The Immaculate Deception (12 page)

I loved the beast. She couldn’t help that she was a narcissistic bitch. She was still my sister. I wished she could be nice to me. Take an interest in my life. Be proud of my little accomplishments and be concerned if things weren’t going well for me. I just wanted a sister like other people had. Normal families.

I couldn’t let my mother move in with me. Momma would drive me crazy and then I’d be just like the rest of them. That was my big fear. Plus I had stairs and Momma was in her eighties now. And she was kind of lazy about stairs. Always her excuse for letting the laundry back up, she didn’t like jogging up and down the basement stairs.

Okay, what was I doing today? Hmm… I had no idea. Just thinking of cohabitating with Momma blew my mind.
Think, think, Donna, think
. Oh yeah, I needed to take a shower and get dressed, in case the funeral was today.

So I turned the water back on and held my hand under the spray. It warmed up quickly. I stepped in and closed the clear shower curtain. It let lots of light in and the way it draped, the view was opaque. I always got totally drenched first. I closed my eyes and let the warm water run down my hair and face. I adjusted it as hot as it would go. I leaned down and grasped the bottle of shampoo from the shower floor. I knew it was the shampoo bottle without opening my eyes because the lid popped open on the top. The conditioner, in contrast, opened at the bottom. I squirted hydrating curls shampoo into my hand, closed the top and set the bottle down.

I rubbed my hands together and then massaged my scalp. I had shampooed last night but since I didn’t dry it, I might as well start over if I was to look at all presentable. I worked the slithery soft foam through my shoulder-length hair. Suds trickled down my face. I noticed a sensation on my right foot. Something was not right. It felt like…a tongue.

I screamed.

Chapter Five

M
y eyes flew open. Suds seared the corneas. I spotted a hazy brown form crouched down on the other side of the shower curtain. Adrenaline surged through me. I grabbed the left and right edge of the shower curtain and pounced down on it. The curtain ripped right off the rings since I had never bothered snapping them shut because that always hurt my fingers. I flipped over the creature, struggling against its brute strength. I wrapped it up in the curtain. It screamed. A howling primal scream. We rolled around on the cold white ceramic-tiled floor. I immobilized it.

I lay there, wondering what to do next. Then I felt it. On my face. Its tail was wagging.
Its tail was wagging?
I untangled the shower curtain and unrolled a Great Dane. I’d captured a dog. He shook his head, rose up and began licking the water off my face.

I squirmed away from his long pink tongue and scrambled to my feet. He resumed licking them. On closer inspection, make that
she
. Where did Scooby Doo-ette come from? The dog suddenly stopped licking. Her ears perked up. She barked and charged out of my bathroom.

Donna, are you dreaming again?
One way to find out. I only had to walk into my bedroom and if my dream man was sprawled out on my bed, naked and standing at attention… Hopefully he was circumcised. I’d always wanted one that was. Wonder what the difference was, mechanically? Was there some subtle nuance I’d been denied? I turned the shower off and returned to the bedroom.

Mr. Jones wasn’t there. I sighed in disappointment.

Where did the dog come from and where had she gone? I snatched my pink silk bathrobe from the hook behind my closet door and pulled it on. I dripped with water and the fabric clung to my wet body. I tucked my half-soapy hair behind my ears and crept through the house.

I didn’t notice anything unusual. As I stood at the top of the stairs, I heard laughter outside. Feeling a breeze as I descended the oak treads, I clung tight to the turned banister. When I made it to the bottom and peeked around the foyer wall, I realized the front door was wide open. As I shut it, I noticed two little girls out front, petting the dog.

Well, that was a dirty rotten trick, opening my door, uninvited and siccing a dog on me. “Oww!” I glanced down. I had a paper cut on my foot, from a cardstock hangtag. I picked it up.
Jorge’s Cleaning Service
was the advertisement.

I locked the door and threw on the deadbolt. I couldn’t believe I forgot to lock up. Oh my God, hopefully Jorge hadn’t tried the knob and opened it.
Was he in here?
I fumbled with the locks. I yanked the door open and lurched outside. Scooby Doo-ette barked at me.

I asked the girls, “Did you see a man go into my house?”

They shrugged their shoulders and continued petting the barking dog.

“
How long has my door been open? All night?”

Scooby Doo-ette took off after a motorcycle. The oldest girl, about six or so, said, “I dunno.” She and her younger companion chased after the dog.

I’m not going back in there until I know where Jorge is.
I paced the sidewalk and looked around. A Fairfax County Police cruiser was parked in the driveway across the street.
Good, the cop is home.
I tugged my silk belt tight and scurried over. I glanced over my shoulder as I climbed the red brick stairs to his stoop. I pressed the button for the doorbell.

I started to run my hands through my hair but they got stuck in a soapy tangle. My pulse quickened.
Oh God, I must look like…

A sleepy bald man, dressed only in red silk boxer shorts, yanked the door open.

He didn’t say anything. Neither did I. I was staring at his fly. It gaped partway open.

Finally he said, “Can I help you?”

“
Um…I was in the shower, a dog came in, I chased her out and discovered my front door was open. There was a hangtag on the floor, Jorge’s Cleaning Service. I’m so afraid he’s in my house.” I turned and pointed to it.

He pivoted back into his house and grabbed a handy firearm. “Wait here. Get in my house. I’ll check it out.” He scrambled past me, down his red brick stairs, across the black-blue asphalt street and then up my brown brick stairs.

I stepped inside his house and shut the door. A white candle flickered on the table in the hallway. A photograph of an elderly woman, a pair of pink plastic ladies eyeglasses and a set of false teeth were positioned on little gold pedestals surrounding the candle. This was some sort of shrine. Perhaps to his mother? Okay, this was freaky. I stepped back outside, made sure his door was unlocked, pulled it shut and roosted on his stoop, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. I waited and waited. The letter carrier buzzed by in her Jeep. Two cars came, three went.
Oh no, Jorge has the cop…

My neighborly cop came out of my house and marched over to me. “He’s not in there. No one is. I checked every room, the basement and the attic. Did you lock your door last night?”

“
I dunno. Maybe not.”

“
Well, mine blows open once or twice a month, always when I have the kids for the weekend. The girls don’t shut it all the way. You have to push on it after you shut it to make sure it clasps the lock.” He smiled. “It’s safe to go and finish your shower. Be careful of the big puddle on the floor. I slipped in it.”

“
Oh I’m so sorry.”

He tucked his gun in the back waistband of his boxers. “It’s all right. I needed to wake up anyhow. My name’s Dick Fiddler.” He stuck his…hand out.

I tried not to giggle as I limply shook it. “Donna. Donna Payne. Thanks so much, Officer. If ever I can repay you I will.”

“
I’d like to take you out to a concert sometime… But I guess your boyfriend wouldn’t like that too much.”

What boyfriend?
“Huh?” I pulled my robe tighter. This guy was nice and brave and a cop and all but, eww, he wasn’t my type.

“
Well, if you guys break up and if I’m not seeing anyone at the time and then maybe we can get together? Since you like clean-cut guys and all…”

“
Um…I need to wash the shampoo outa my hair before it sets like cement.” I hurried down Officer Dick’s steps, across Spyglass Street, up my steps and into my house. I slammed the door and shoved hard until it clicked. After locking it, I hurried upstairs.
My boyfriend? Since I like clean-cut guys and all? What was this cop talking about?
Oh…it must be Ashley. She must have a boyfriend and the cop had seen him a time or two, coming and going. So she liked clean-cut guys. I grinned, finally learning something about her.

I wiped up the puddle in the bathroom with a purple towel and wrung it in the separate soaking tub. I shook it out and hung it horizontally over the side to dry. I picked up the shower curtain. Full of brown dog fur. Plus the ring holes were ripped. I wadded it up and shoved it in the raspberry-colored wastebasket. I grabbed the bottle of conditioner, my turquoise washcloth and a bar of soap. I headed into the hall bathroom.

I turned the knob all the way toward me. The water was hot instantly. It figured, why couldn’t the master bathroom be closer to the water heater? I stepped into the tub and shower combo and guided the beach-motif curtain shut. It felt good to stand under the hot spray again.

I tried to picture dating the cop. Eww, no I couldn’t. Okay, so I could get past that he was wrinkled, bald and had a woolly back. But I’d gotten a big glimpse at his hairy
Harrys
and eww! They were pink with purple polka dots. Honest. Eww!

I decided to focus on today. I’d call Arlington and find out when the service was scheduled for. Gosh, hopefully I wouldn’t miss the funeral if it was first thing this morning. This Washington rush hour traffic was exasperating.

After applying hair conditioner and washing my body and then rinsing the conditioner out, I toweled off as I stepped inside my walk-in closet. I quickly dressed in a dark blue pinstriped skirt suit, with a white blouse. I shoved my feet into navy pumps and then hurried into the bathroom. I combed through my hair, applied lipstick and mascara. I clasped on a strand of pearls and matching earrings. I grabbed my big tortoiseshell barrette, a matching blue purse to complete the outfit and trotted downstairs.

I tiptoed and stretched up to the top shelf of the kitchen cabinet over the phone. Grasping the Virginia phone book, I yanked it down. I let the cabinet door bang shut and then thumbed through the pages. I found the listing for Arlington National Cemetery and called them.

They hadn’t heard of my Nathan Lucifer Payne, born in 1914, served in the Army Air Corps during World War Two. Honorably discharged. Nope. Well, they didn’t doubt there once was such a man, it was just they didn’t have him scheduled for burial.

So I flipped back through the book and found the listing for Acme Funeral Home. The discount, no-frills alternative, so their ads said. Sure this was where Tammy had his body sent. Frugal as she was with her dwindling inheritance. I called.

A bubbly lady answered, “Acme, this is Penny, how may I help you?”

“
Hi, this is Donna Payne. My father is being…is with you…um, he’s to be buried and I called Arlington and they didn’t have him scheduled this week. I was wondering if you—”

Penny interrupted. “Dr. Nathan Payne?”

I sighed in relief. Good, she was on top of things. “Yes, that’s right.”

“
He’s done.”

“
Okay good… Whaddaya mean he’s
done
?”

“
He was a turn and burn.”

“
I don’t understand.”

“
I’m sorry, hon, I mean he was brought to us and cremated within a few hours of his arrival. Just like his other daughter instructed. She is stunning and when I found out she was a personal trainer, she gave me a card for a free trial—”

I dropped the phone onto the counter and threw my hands up on my cheeks.
Oh my God!
I couldn’t believe that witch did this! I picked the phone back up. Penny was still talking.

“
She didn’t leave an address to send the ashes. Do you want them, hon?”

Do I want the ashes? Oh my God! No. Eww! Too creepy. But they’re Daddy’s ashes. And Daddy wanted a proper Christian burial, with the military honors he deserved, at Arlington National Cemetery. Oh my God!

I hung up on her. I had to. I didn’t have an answer. Not one I could speak out loud and not be ashamed of.

The phone rang to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”. I cringed. Then I realized I might as well pick it up. Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if it were Daddy calling to torment me from the hereafter. So I timidly answered. “Hello?”

“
Oh-Donna, Perry here. I’m at Dad’s house with the estate tax assessor. He is putting wildly inflated values on their flea market junk. You’ve gotta get over here and do something—”

“
Perry, do you know that Tammy had Daddy cremated?”

“
What?”

“
I just called Arlington and they didn’t have him scheduled for burial. So I called the funeral home. You know, the one they used for Pap-paw. Acme. The lady said Tammy had him burned up the same day he passed on.” Tears of anger trekked down my cheeks.

I heard Perry’s voice cracking.