THE HUSBAND HUNTERS (36 page)

‘I bet he wasn’t impressed was he?’ I said. I wanted to shake Kaz until her teeth rattled, to try and shake some sense into her.

‘No,’ said Kaz in a small voice. ‘He looked at me as though I’d crawled out from underneath a stone. He told me he never had me down as a shallow airhead, who was only after a guy for his money. I felt about an inch high. I tried to say that it wasn’t like that, but he wouldn’t listen and he walked off.’

‘You can see how it looks from his point of view,’ I said.

‘Like a shallow airhead?’ said Kaz, grimacing.

‘You will never have to go back to McDonald’s ever again,’ I said, trying to cheer her up. Kaz gave a small sigh.

‘I was beginning to like their double cheeseburgers,’ she said, miserably.

I put the phone down. Should the HHC have stepped in and come down harder on Kaz? We could all see that Adam was perfect for her.

‘What am I going to wear?’ Nick’s voice ripped into my thoughts. I swung round irritably.

‘When have you ever bothered about what you look like?’ I asked him in amazement. ‘Why don’t you wear your eighties’ jacket and have done with it. You could always say you misread the invitation and thought it was fancy dress. They might give you a consolation prize for your outfit.’

‘I’ve never apologized or made excuses for that jacket, and I don’t intend to start now,’ said Nick, huffily.

‘Perhaps you should have done,’ I said sniggering. ‘’There must be thousands of people out there who have been mortally offended by that jacket. That’s how wars are started, you know.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. How could my humble jacket start anything as horrendous as a world war,’ said Nick.

‘It’s like the Butterfly Effect,’ I said, knowledgeably. ‘The tiniest thing, that you don’t think is important, can start a ripple that can escalate into something huge.’

I was really getting into it now. I never missed an opportunity to slag off that jacket.

‘Imagine if President Bush was sitting having a cup of coffee and he was watching a news bulletin, where you were taking some press photos at some news event. He saw your jacket and was so appalled by your fashion sense, that it put him in a bad mood. Then minutes later one of his advisors came in and told him about something that had happened in Iraq. In normal circumstances he would have let it wash over him, but because your jacket had put him in a bad mood – perhaps he even used to wear one himself in his younger days and had been horribly bullied because of it – he decided that was it and declared war – and all because of your jacket.’

Nick looked suspiciously at the jacket, which was hanging on the back of his chair. It had all seemed so innocent a few minutes ago. Now there was an air of menace about it.

‘Perhaps it is a bit dated,’ he agreed. ‘I could shop around for something else.’

‘Yesss,’ I did an air punch of victory. It had taken a long time – but that jacket was finally on its way out.

‘It says black tie on this invitation, so I’m going to have to hire a suit,’ carried on Nick.

‘You need to look the part,’ I agreed, taking the invitation off him and pretending to read it.

‘This could be the start of great things for me,’ said Nick. ‘Winning a competition like this could open lots of doors.’

I told the girls about the invitation arriving as we sat at the meeting the evening.

‘I did feel a bit guilty, when I saw his face,’ I admitted. ‘He’s always been desperate to win that competition and has entered it year after year.’

‘I haven’t forgotten standing in the rain at that bloody premiere watching my best dress get soaked,’ said Tash. ‘It will serve Nick right. You were desperate to get an email from Jen – and that didn’t stop him playing his trick on you – and I’ve got an even better idea,’ she added. ‘Offer to pick up his black tie suit for him, and get them to change it at the shop for a size smaller. He will look a right berk turning up at the zoo, with his too-short trousers and jacket.’

I had to laugh. The thought of Nick looking like a comedy penguin in a suit several sizes too small for him was too good to resist.

‘You’re a genius, Tash,’ I said, doing a high five with her across the table.

Kaz had told the girls about finishing with Adam.

‘I can’t believe you ended it, Kaz,’
said Rach. ‘You must be mad. If you don’t want him, I’ll have him,’ she added. ‘I’ve always thought he was gorgeous.’

Kaz shot her a dirty look.

‘I was only joking,’ said Rach, ‘although, I may ask him if he would consider sperm donation. I quite fancy having another baby – and it would be great to have one that looked like him.’

‘Rach, can you pass the wine?’ I interrupted her. It was tactless, going on about Adam like that. Kaz’s face was now like thunder.

‘I never imagined it would hurt so much,’ Kaz admitted a few minutes later. ‘When I think about him with anyone else, it makes me want to commit murder.’

Rach had got off pretty lightly a few minutes ago. I must remind her not to mention Adam as a sperm donor ever again.

‘Well, don’t do anything rash,’ I said. ‘You’ve already been in court once this year.’

‘What do you mean – like cut off his willy or something?’ Kaz gave a fleeting grin. ‘I could end up as the Cheshire Lorena Bobbitt.’

‘Lorena who?’ asked Soph, who was too young to have heard about the infamous case of Lorena Bobbitt, who cut off her husband’s penis with a knife as he slept. ‘God that’s awful,’ she said, when we had filled her in on the gory details. ‘Kaz don’t do that, even if he does start seeing someone else. That poor Mr Bobbitt – what happened?’

‘They sewed it back on,’ said Tash. ‘And he didn’t end up doing too badly. Apparently after the operation, he started up a music band and they called themselves The Severed Parts.’

‘That wouldn’t be a bad idea,’ mused Kaz. ‘I could cut off Adam’s privates and he could start a boy band on the back of it, and become rich and famous. He would be eternally grateful to me for making him a star.’

‘I can think of an easier path to true love,’ I said dryly. ‘I wouldn’t risk it, Kaz. It may not end up quite as happy ever after as that.’

I was surprised to even get the minutes through the following morning – but I had to hand it to her – even though Kaz was nursing a broken heart, she had still managed to type out the minutes.

PROGRESS REPORTS.

* Kaz is now officially single. Adam has been announced as strictly off limits to all other HHC members – even as a potential sperm donor. (Again, this was Kaz pulling rank with the minutes – perhaps we ought to think about giving the task to someone else. I was seriously worried about the level of violence Kaz seemed to be prepared to go to stop Adam seeing anyone else. She was looking at Lorena Bobbitt as some sort of heroine figure. Perhaps I ought to invite her round and invite her to chop up carrots for a casserole. It might release some of her anger.)

* Bee to offer to pick up Nick’s suit. (Tash told me not to be too eager, or else he will smell a rat. It will be a revelation to see Nick in a proper suit after years of being subjected to his wardrobe malfunctions – even if it will be two sizes too small.)

* Tash showed us her sixteen stitches, which had been taken out by the doctor. For some reason she was strangely proud of them and produced a small plastic bottle out of her handbag with the stitches in, looking like a pile of dead ants. ‘This is the price of true love,’ she had said dramatically, handing round the bottle for us all to ooh over.

* Rach reported that she had set up her voodoo doll website and she’d already had her first order. (She was selling them for £19.99, which personally I thought was outrageously expensive, especially as it didn’t include any pins. It did seem a bit of a strange new business for Rach to have set up. Rach said that it was a normal thing for new mums to sit knitting at night. I pointed out that they usually knitted bootees and hats, not ghastly dolls that looked like extras for a horror film.)

.

* Kaz to take an advert out in The Times to find a rich man. (I was glad that I was no longer in the man desert on my own, but I knew that we needed to try and find her someone else. The Times advert was Tash’s idea, and I had to admit, it was pure genius. I don’t know why none of us had thought of it before. It would be the answer to Kaz’s problems. If she advertised to find a rich man, then she could cut out all the no-hopers on the way to finding true love. There were bound to be loads of single bankers and stockbrokers who read The Times.

I’d never known Kaz so miserable before. There was nothing that I could do to cheer her up. Even when I suggested a trip to Karen Millen to see the new season’s stock, I was met with a lukewarm ‘okay.’

I didn’t want her to sit moping, so the following Saturday I dragged her out to the shops. I wanted to buy a new dress that I’d seen in a magazine. Dresses in magazines always look fabulous on the models, but it’s different when you try to squeeze your lumps and bumps into them. I’ve lost count of the times when I’ve rushed out excitedly, to buy something I’d seen in Closer or Heat, and ended up looking like a bag of spuds. That’s why I wanted Kaz there. She was as blunt as a spoon and always told me if I looked crap.

We were walking along the high street, when Kaz stopped in her tracks.

‘
It’s him,’ she hissed. ‘Over there.’ Adam was looking in the window of a nearby bookshop. Kaz’s eyes narrowed. ‘Who the hell is with him?’ There was a stunning blonde girl by his side. He said something to her, and she gave a tinkling laugh, and flicked her blond hair back over one shoulder.

I couldn’t exactly say to Kaz, ‘Cheer up – she’s not a patch on you. He’s obviously settled for second best,’ as that clearly wasn’t the case. The girl looked like she’d stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. She wore a cream, belted coat and black, high boots.

I mumbled something lame that sounded like, ‘It might not be Adam,’ and tried to pull her into a nearby coffee shop.

‘Bee, this is serious,’ she hissed at me, pulling her arm back. ‘We need to follow him.’ I groaned. Hadn’t we had enough of stalking ex-boyfriends to last a lifetime? It always ended in heartache.

Kaz was determined; I had to run to keep up with her as she crossed over the road about twenty steps behind them. I was praying that Adam wouldn’t see us. It would be so humiliating.

They stopped outside a newsagents stand. Blonde Gorgeous Girlfriend said something to Adam. He laughed and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close and kissing the side of her cheek.

That was too much for Kaz. Before I could stop her, she leapt forward and confronted Adam.

‘It didn’t take you very long, did it?’ she cried, her eyes blazing. ‘I can’t believe you’ve replaced me that quickly.’

I hung back, wanting the floor to swallow me up. A couple of people had stopped walking past and were staring at Kaz, but she seemed oblivious.

‘I’m glad I’ve seen what you are really like now,’ blazed on Kaz. ‘I’ve not been able to sleep or eat for thinking about you. I wish I hadn’t bothered now.’

‘Kaz, please,’ said Adam, but Kaz interrupted him.

‘And where did you pick up this latest piece – or don’t I want to know?’

‘Kaz,’ Adam’s voice was louder now and more insistent. Adam’s girlfriend was looking at him with amazement. She was probably wondering where on earth he knew this raving loony from.

‘This is my sister, Jessica,’ said Adam. Kaz stood there gaping, her mouth opening and closing but no words coming out.

‘I’ll leave you to sort this one out, little bro,’ said Jessica, and picking up a newspaper from the stand, she went inside the shop to pay.

‘I’m so sorry,’ mumbled Kaz. ‘I didn’t realize she was your sister.’

‘But what if she wasn’t?’ said Adam. ‘You had no right to have a go at me like that. It was you who dumped me, if you remember. I’m a free agent now.’

Kaz looked at him and her eyes filled with tears. Jessica walked back out of the shop. She looked sympathetically at Kaz, and then linked her arm with Adam and they turned to walk off.

I put my arm round Kaz. She had tears running down her face.

‘I can’t do this, Bee,’ she said. She started running towards Adam. ‘Wait,’ she called, and he turned round in surprise. Kaz slithered to a halt in front of him. ‘Sod the money and my stupid hang-ups. I can’t live without you,’ she said. ‘Will you forgive me, can we start again?’

Adam looked unsure. He got his wallet out of his pocket and opened it to show Kaz it was empty. ‘I really don’t have any money, you know,’ he said.

‘I don’t care,’ cried Kaz. ‘I’ll go to McDonald’s every night if necessary and live in a tent, as long as it’s with you.’

Someone in the crowd murmured, ‘Aaaah.’ There must have been fifty people gathered, watching the scene on the pavement now.

‘Are you absolutely sure?’ asked Adam, taking her face in his hands and looking deep into her eyes.

‘I’ve never been surer,’ murmured Kaz, and he bent his head and kissed her. Several people in the crowd clapped. ‘Get a room,’ some lout shouted as he cycled past, but Kaz and Adam were oblivious, and I had to dig in my pocket for a tissue. This was the second time in a matter of weeks that this had happened – but I was thrilled for Kaz.