THE HUSBAND HUNTERS (18 page)

He pulled at the scar on his arm. It came off in a clean sweep, leaving his arm perfectly healthy underneath.

‘Gotcha!’ he said, dangling the scar in front of my face. I snatched at it. It felt rubbery in my hands. It was a fake scar. Nick was grinning at me.

‘I had you going there,’ he teased. I thought of the split second when I’d looked at him with lust in my eyes, and I knew he’d clocked it. I felt hot with shame. How could I have ever thought Nick looked like Indiana Jones. He was just a washed up old hairy photographer. Yuk.

I threw the scar at him and it plopped into his coffee, spilling hot drops over his trousers.

‘Ouch,’ he said, rubbing at the spots.

‘It serves you right,’ I screeched at him. ‘Fancy letting me think you had fought a lion. I might have known that it was all a joke - you couldn’t fight a flea and win.’ And with that I got up from my chair and swept out the side door into the ladies. That was twice in two weeks that I’d swept out the office. It instantly made me feel better.

Kaz and Rach fell about laughing when I told them about Nick’s fake scar later on. I’d met them for a coffee after work at Saleros.

‘It's a good joke Bee, don’t take it so much to heart,’ Kaz had said when she had stopped laughing so hard.

‘He made me feel stupid,’ I complained, giving my coffee a stir. ‘For one moment, it had changed my opinion of him, and I thought he was a bit attractive for once. And I’m sure he caught me giving him a split second lustful look.’

‘Well Indiana Jones is very attractive,’ admitted Kaz. ‘There is something very sexy about a man who squashes killer spiders with his bare hands and looks like he hasn’t washed for a week. Kind of rough and ready,’ she added.

‘I know, and that’s what took me by surprise,’ I said. ‘And for him to see me looking at him like that was plain humiliating.’

‘He probably never saw the look,’ consoled Rach.

‘Oh yes he did,’ I said, darkly. ‘And now he’s got one up on me. And another thing. Why was I jealous for a split second when he told me Claire had gone on holiday with him? I didn’t even slightly fancy him then as he hadn’t yet told me about the lion.’

‘Well that’s understandable,’ said Rach. ‘You were moaning on holiday about feeling too old to go clubbing, and saying we should be holidaying individually with husbands by now. Then you see Claire doing what you think we should be doing. That’s why you were jealous - of what she was doing, not who she was doing it with.’

‘Yes you’re right,’ I said in relief. Thank God I didn’t harbour a secret passion for Nick that I hadn’t known about. That would be just disastrous.

I had something to ask Rach.

‘Did you ever make that appointment for us to get latex masks fitted?’ I asked her, as we walked out of Saleros.

‘I rang and the woman said we could come in anytime. Why?’ she asked.

‘I fancy having mine done as soon as possible,’ I said. ‘I wanted to go and watch Paul’s house for a couple of days, to see if he was seeing anyone else, to see if that was the reason why he stood me up.’

Being stood up by Paul was still preying on my mind. And I wanted to get some answers. If I watched his house for a few days, then I might get some closure.

‘I don’t want him to recognise me, so I thought what a good idea the masks would be,’ I added.

‘You said we would all look like we were off to rob a bank a few weeks ago,’ pointed out Kaz.

‘I know, but I didn’t have a real reason to wear one then,’ I said crossly. ‘With one of these, I could actually walk past Paul and hopefully he wouldn’t even know it was me.’

‘I’ll ring the woman and see if she can fit us in tomorrow,’ promised Rach. ‘I’ve always wanted to walk around in a disguise, like a spy.’

‘Paul will probably take one look at you and think ‘what’s that mad cow doing in a mask’ and ring the police,’ Kaz pointed out.

‘I won’t be walking past him,’ I said. ‘I’ll be in a car across the road. I only want to watch his house, not punch him in the face.’ Admittedly that was quite a nice thought - as satisfying as the thought of Nick getting eaten by a lion.

Rach rang me excitedly the next day. It was a Saturday and she had managed to get us an appointment that afternoon for all five of us at the latex mask company.

Rach and I were the only ones who were excited about it. Rach because of her mad delusions at being a top spy, and me because of my crazed obsession to find out why Paul had stood me up.

The others were less interested, and Tash was worried that the rubber used to make the mould of our faces was going to get in her hair.

A few hours later we all trooped into the grey corrugated iron building on an industrial site out of town. It didn’t look very impressive, I thought. I hope the masks will be a bit more professional looking - we didn’t want to end up looking like gargoyles on acid.

A woman came out of the side door and came up to us smiling. She shook our hands.

‘I’m Lena,’ she said. ‘I’ll be making your masks today.’ She shook our hands one by one as we introduced ourselves.

‘What are you needing the masks for - do you all belong to a local theatre company?’ she asked.

‘No, we...’ I kicked Rach on the ankle and hurriedly interrupted her.

‘Yes we’ve got a production coming up and we need them for that,’ I said. I didn’t want this woman to know what we really wanted them for. That we were a bunch of sad girls who needed masks to go stalking ex boyfriends who have stood us up.

She’d probably call the local hospital and get us all sectioned for being completely mad. Either that or she would look at us with such pity it would be embarrassing. I didn’t know which would be worse.

‘What production are you doing?’ asked Lena, curiously. ‘I did drama at university, so I know quite a lot of plays.’ I looked at her blankly. Oh my God what should I say?

‘Oh...erm...erm. It’s actually this thing that.......well it’s some modern one, you won’t know it,’ I said quickly, desperately looking around at the others for some support.

‘It has been written by one of our colleagues,’ added Tash. ‘It’s about five girls who all change their identities,’ she added lamely.

‘Oh that sounds good,’ said Lena, politely. ‘Anyway here we are.’ She opened a side door and let us into a studio. It was full of clay heads. It was quite spooky, and I was glad that broad daylight was streaming through the skylight.

Tash was the first to go. She sat in the chair and Lena carefully secured her hair back with a wide Alice band. Some special cream was rubbed into her face to stop the latex sticking as it was put on with a wide paint brush.

Whilst Tash was being done, Lena’s assistant Max started on me. The cream being rubbed into my face was quite pleasant - rather like having a facial. But the liquid rubber was then painted over my face.

‘Close your eyes,’ instructed Max, starting to paint over my eyelids with big strokes. I had to close my mouth too and that was painted over, the only two holes were left in my nostrils for me to breathe. Then it started to get hot. I could feel the panic rising in my throat and my heart began to thump in my chest.

I’ve always dreaded going in one of those tube scanner things at hospital, and this felt much worse. I had this horrible desire to open my eyes, but I knew I couldn’t. It was like being tortured.

This had better be worth it, I thought through gritted teeth, trying to calm my breathing. I need to spot Paul with Claudia Schiffer after all this. The liquid rubber took five minutes to apply then special bandages to strengthen the mould were put on and I had to lie still for another 15 minutes whilst they dried.

It took every ounce of self determination not to panic and start clawing at the mask. Lie back and think of something nice, I instructed myself, picturing a beautiful beach in the Caribbean. Anywhere but in this hot airless studio being suffocated by a rubber mask. And we couldn’t call out to each other either. I could hear Kaz and Rach talking at the side of the room, but I couldn’t join in.

After what seemed like an eternity, Max peeled the mask back and I started to take huge gulps of air. I’ll never take being able to see and speak for granted again. As I struggled down from the chair, with Max looking at me with a puzzled expression, I took a quick look around. None of the other girls seemed to be panicking. Kaz was now having hers done, and she looked relaxed, like she was having a spa treatment.

‘That was great, really soothing, said Tash, taking off her Alice band. ‘When they were painting the rubber onto my face, I could feel myself falling asleep.’ She went over to the mirror. ‘And there’s not even a tiny bit gone into my hair either,’ she said, examining her fringe. ‘Brilliant.’

We had to wait another hour before the masks were ready, so we sat in Lena’s office drinking cups of coffee. And I must admit when Lena brought them out, all that torture had been worth it. We screamed with laughter when we put them on. Lena had altered our facial characteristics slightly, so we didn’t look like ourselves. Rach had tried to persuade her to make her nose smaller, but as Lena pointed out, her own nose needed to fit into the mask, so it wouldn’t fit properly. Rach had pouted in disappointment - I think she had thought it could be an alternative to plastic surgery. I was thrilled with my mask - Paul would never recognise me with this on. I could stand right outside his gate and he would walk straight past me. I had to agree with Rach. There was a certain thrill to wearing a disguise.

I hung the latex mask up when I got home, on the back of my door above my dressing gown, and sat on my bed looking at it. It did look quite odd really. I got up and put it on my dressing table instead. I didn’t want to wake up in the night and think there was someone hanging on the back of my door. That would be really freaky.

‘What are you doing for dinner?’ Scarlett asked, coming into my bedroom. She saw the mask on my dressing table and her eyes widened. ‘Is that a gimp mask?’ she asked. ‘I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing Bee.’

‘I’m not,’ I said crossly, shoving the mask in my underwear drawer. I didn’t want Scarlett to know I was planning to stalk Paul for a few days. I decided to give her the drama excuse thing too. ‘Tash’s friend is putting on a play and wants me to be in it, and I’ve got to wear it.’ She looked at me as if she didn’t quite believe me.

‘But you’ve never been into drama Bee,’ she said. ‘I’ve known you for years and you can’t act your way out of a paper bag.’

‘I can,’ I said, glaring at her. It was turning into a stand-off. ‘I was in Alice in Wonderland once, as a flower.’

‘How old were you then?’ Scarlett said, trying not to laugh.

‘I was eight, but the teacher said I was really good,’ I added, lamely. Scarlett stood up.

‘Well let me know when you’ve been nominated for an Oscar,’ she said. ‘In the meantime, do you want any tea?’

***

‘
I nearly choked when you were telling Lena about our supposed forthcoming production,’ said Soph to Tash, as we sat in the restaurant two days later for the meeting.

‘I thought it sounded very plausible, ‘ said Tash. ‘It was much better than telling her why we really needed them. Although I’m dammed sure I’m never going to be using mine to stalk a boyfriend.’

‘You might need it some day, you never know,’ I said.

‘I’m more likely to be in a play where five girls change their identities, than use it to stalk anyone,’ said Tash, adamantly.

‘Anyway Bee, when are you going to be stalking Paul?’ asked Kaz.

‘Not until next week. Scarlett mentioned he was away on a conference this week, so I’ll have to do it when he gets back. I haven’t decided when yet. Who’s going to come with me?’ I asked, looking around the table. ‘Soph?’

Soph dropped her eyes.

‘I can’t,’ she mumbled, looking down at the table.

‘Why not?’ I asked.

‘I’m really busy that week,’ she said. ‘I’ve got meetings at work and I’ve got to do loads of planning for them. ‘ She still wouldn’t look at me. I shrugged, and looked at Rach.

‘I thought you’d never ask,’ she said, grinning. ‘Count me in.’

‘OK, but just the masks. No hideous long overcoats and orange scarves this time,’ I told her, firmly.

‘Anyway the purpose of today’s meeting is to draft the e-mail to Jennifer Anniston,’ interrupted Kaz, banging her pen on the table for some order. ‘How do we plan to start it off?’ she said, looking around at us all.

‘We’ve got to be careful,’ I said. ‘We don’t want to go charging in like a herd of elephants and make her feel like she wants to slit her wrists over her disastrous love life.’

‘Yes, but we’ve got to point out the obvious to her,’ said Tash. ‘Brad has been all cosy for the last few years with Angelina, whilst Jen has been marooned on a desert love island. He’s playing happy families whilst she is left alone. She’s got to get it sorted,’ she added firmly. ‘No messing around.’ Eventually, after much arguing and discussion we agreed on the following e-mail.

Dear Jen.

You don’t know any of us, but we are five girls from Cheshire, UK, who have set up a club called The Husband Hunters to try and find ourselves a husband. We haven’t had much luck ourselves, and our love lives, have in short, like yours, been disastrous. So we are letting our friends help us find husbands - and we think that would be a really good idea for you to try it too.