The House of Roses (48 page)

Caitlin was amazed to feel tears sliding down her cheeks. For nearly a day, she had separated herself from the pain, and had thought of life, and pushed ideas of death aside. The next day would be difficult, and it would be impossible not to think of death, while gathered together to say goodbye to the woman they had all loved.

“
Mommy is gonna go call Daddy now. I'll be back and we'll get ready to go,” Caitlin whispered. She touched Hannah's tiny cheek, then Rogan's, and neither baby stirred.

Rita and Maria were chatting at the kitchen table when Caitlin returned a moment later.

“
Your wine is on the counter. Make sure you brush your teeth before we go, Cate. I don't want us going in there smelling like drunks,” Rita said, and Caitlin noticed they each had a glass of wine.

“
We're going to end up in a church basement telling our life stories to perfect strangers if we're not careful,” Caitlin said, as she brought the wine glass to her lips.

“
It's just for now,” Rita said.

“
Wine, beer, margaritas, what's next?  Liquor bottles hidden in little paper bags?” Caitlin asked.

“
I like churches. The architecture is always so lovely,” Maria said.

“
You're not helping,” Caitlin said.

“
And you're procrastinating. Go call him,” Maria demanded, and Caitlin sighed.

“
Okay. Mom, can I smoke?  Can I just have one?”

“
Jeez, is there a Smokers Anonymous?” Maria asked.

“
Ask my mother, she'd know.”

“
Do you want this or not?” Rita said.

“
Thanks,” Caitlin said, reaching for the cigarette before heading to the porch. “Chicken,” she whispered to herself, as she took a seat in her mother's chair.

She dialed the numbers to Colin's cell phone. It rang once, then again, and Caitlin exhaled and prepared to leave a message. He answered on the third ring.
Shit!

“
Dr. Thomas,” Colin said, and Caitlin inhaled sharply.

“
Hi,” Caitlin said. “It's Caitlin.”

“
Cate?  Hi. Hello. How are you?”

“
I'm okay. How are you?”

“
Tough day. Rosario died this morning.”

“
Oh, Colin. I'm sorry. How is her little girl?”

“
She's doing pretty well. She's watching
Finding Nemo
with our nanny.”

“
You have a nanny?” Caitlin asked incredulously.

“
I do. I planned for this as well as I could. I'm sorry about your friend, Cate. Rita told me what happened.”

“
Thank you, Colin. Are you okay?”

“
I'm doing as well as I can.” 
I can't tell her I know. Not like this.
“Caitlin, I'd really like to see you. Can I see you?” Colin asked, and Caitlin was surprised to hear something that sounded like desperation in his voice.

“
I'd like that. It's a hard week.”

“
It's been rough here, too.”

“
I wish you were here, Colin.”

“
I wish I was too, Cate. God, I've missed you. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have left.”

“
I made mistakes, too,” she admitted.

“
Can we fix them?” he asked gently.

“
I'd like to try.”

“
I'd like that, too,” he said.

Caitlin lit the cigarette with a shaking hand.

“
What was that?” he asked.

“
A lighter. I lit a candle on the porch,” she lied.
No more lies.
“And a cigarette.”

“
You smoke?”

“
No. I took one from Rita. I was scared to call you.”

“
I was scared you wouldn't.”

“
I'm glad I did.”

“
So am I. Call me again soon?” Colin asked.

“
I will.”

“
Good. I love you, Caitlin, and I'm not saying that because I'd sad, or scared, which I'm both. I really do love you. I never stopped.”

“
Me either.”

“
Say it.”

“
Say it?”

“
Say you love me. I need to hear it, Cate.”

“
I love you, Colin.”

“
Thank you. Keep your chin up. I'll talk to you soon.”

“
Bye.”

“
Bye, Cate.”

“
I said it,” Caitlin whispered. “I said it, Ella. I'm keeping my promise.”

***

“
Who was that, Papa?” Mia asked, and Colin jumped. He hadn't heard her come into the kitchen.

“
The lady we met at the festival.”

“
The blond haired lady?”

“
That's her.”

“
She likes you.”

“
You think so?” Colin asked, amazed to be having the conversation with a six year old child.

“
Yeah. Girls know stuff like this.”

“
Oh yeah?”

“
Yeah. I liked a boy.”

“
How'd that go, Mia?” Colin asked. Caren had come into the kitchen, and stood smiling at them from the doorway.

“
He barfed in the lunchroom one day. That was gross.”

“
I'll bet.”

“
I'm hungry,” Mia said, changing the subject, for which Colin was grateful. He hardly knew how to be a father, but he was confident he shouldn't be discussing his love life with such a young child. “Papa, I'm hungry!” Mia repeated.

“
Oh, right. Sorry, pumpkin,” Colin stammered. “What would you like to eat?”

“
Pizza. I'll ask........,” Mia trailed off, and started to cry. “I forgot,” she whimpered, and Colin knelt and took her in his arms.

“
It's okay.”

“
I miss Mama.”

“
I know, sweetheart.”

“
You're sure she's okay?” Mia asked, as tears welled in her beautiful eyes.

“
She's okay now,” Colin reassured her.

“
Can I still have pizza?”

“
Sure. Want to go out?”

“
No. Can we have pizza here and watch the talking fish again?”

“
More fish?” Colin groaned, and Mia giggled. She was going to be okay. They would get her through this, one moment at a time, and then one day at a time. Whatever it took, whatever she needed, they would do it. It was about Mia now.

“
I like that movie. Papa, are you listening?” Mia asked, interrupting Colin's thoughts.

“
Yes, I was just thinking. We have other movies, sweetheart. Do you want to try a different one?” Colin asked.

“
No. I like that one.”

“
I guess we're eating fish and watching pizza,” Colin said playfully, having successfully survived another difficult moment.

“
Papa, that's wrong!” Mia said, giggling, and whispering loudly in his ear. “We're not eating the fish, we're eating the pizza!”

“
Works out nicer for the fish,” Caren said, looking impressed.

Fifty-three

The lobby of the funeral parlor was dimly lit. The first thing Caitlin noticed was the ugly carpet, and then the depressing music.

“
No wonder people cry here,” Rita said, mirroring her daughter's thoughts.

Liz and Howie Parker had already arrived, and Liz hugged Rita, while Howie walked toward Caitlin.

“
Cate,” he said, taking her into an embrace. Caitlin smiled into his shoulder. He was predictable, and it was comforting.

“
Hi, Howie. How are you guys doing?”

“
Fair,” he said, stepping back and kissing Caitlin's cheek. He glanced at the twins. “Precious,” he whispered, and Caitlin smiled again.

“
Thank you,” Caitlin said.

“
Cate?” Rita said, and Caitlin turned. “It's time.”

“
I'll stay out here with the twins,” Maria said. Caitlin noticed that Nathan held tightly to Maria's hand. They had become what one might consider a couple. They had yet to have their first date.

“
How's Erica?” Caitlin whispered.

“
She's not doing well. She's coming with Becca and her mom. I said it was okay. ”

“
I'm sorry, Nathan.”

“
Yeah, Caitlin. So am I.”

“
Cate!” Rita said. “Honey, please.”

“
Okay, Mom.”

Nathan leaned over to kiss Maria's cheek, and he whispered something in her ear. Maria didn't smile, she simply touched his cheek, and nodded.

“
Come on, Cate,” Nathan said, taking her hand in his.

Rita stood in front of them, and when she reached her hand back, Caitlin took it and squeezed it warmly. They had each distanced themselves from grief in the past couple of days, but the time to face their heartbreak had come. The funeral director opened the double doors, and slowly the family of Ella Simons padded into the room toward her coffin.

The first ten seconds went well, until Liz began to sob. Her husband held her against his side, and she seemed to stumble as she stared into the face of her sister.

“
I kept telling myself it wasn't real. I kept thinking they got it wrong,” Liz said through her tears. The only response was soft whimpers, and Caitlin was grateful when Nathan moved to Rita's side, and put his arm around her. In all her life, Caitlin had never seen her mother more broken.

“
Oh, my sweet Ella,” Rita wailed.

Caitlin said nothing, she just stood, shaking, the tears streaming down her face. Nathan wept openly, and made no effort to conceal his sorrow. It was horrible, gut wrenching, and Caitlin played the words over and over in her mind. How would a writer describe such a scene? 

The family was broken. No words were spoken, and the quiet room became a symphony of sorrow.

The family of Ella Simons stood weeping for ten minutes. No one spoke. They were each lost in their thoughts, in the recesses of their minds, as they alternately remembered Ella Simons, and contemplated a life without her.

Caitlin looked at her mother, who stood demurely in a plain black dress. The old trench coat had been passed off to the attendant, and now hung on a wooden hanger, hidden behind a sliding door, in the lobby. Rita had even done her hair, and Caitlin wondered if Ella suddenly came to life, sat up in the cherry box and looked around, would she even recognize her best friend?  Caitlin laughed, without meaning to, and everyone looked at her. “I'm sorry,” she whispered, feeling shame and guilt.

“
It's quite all right,” Nathan said, coming to her rescue, and her side. “Care to share this memory or thought that made you laugh through your tears?” Nathan asked, as everyone waited.

“
I don't know if I should.”

“
Please. I'm sick of crying. I'm a grown man, and I've carried on like a sad little boy for days. If you've come up with something funny, please tell me,” Nathan nearly begged.

“
I was just thinking that Ella wouldn't recognize my mother. You look beautiful, Mom.”

“
Thank you, Cate......., I think.”

“
I could see her coming toward me with a wad of Kleenex saying, 'Noonie, your nose is running,” Nathan said, and his mother smiled.

“
It is,” Liz whispered, and Nathan wiped it on the tissue he held in his fist.

“
I could hear her voice in my head saying, 'Rita, look at you, you've combed your hair,” Rita added, with a weak smile.

They heard a sound near the door, and everyone turned. The funeral director had opened the doors, and Caitlin saw the stroller and heard Rogan fussing.

“
I wasn't sure what to do with him. He's pretty upset,” Maria said, looking guilty.

“
It's okay. Bring them in,” Liz said, and her husband nodded at her side.