The House of Roses (4 page)

Ella yearned to be with them, but knew she didn't belong. It wasn't her place. She wanted to be there, to experience the miracle of birth with them, and although her heart ached, she thanked God she was able to share their lives, if only as a friend. She felt sorry for Caitlin, and wondered how it was that people were so stubborn about love. They threw it away so easily, like it was nothing. Ella had been in love only once, but the power of that love had sustained her for a lifetime, and she'd held it inside her and it had grown. She had showered her family and friends with it. Her life was full and she was grateful. It was only at night that she longed for more. She'd pass the old armchair in her living room, and imagine her husband dozing quietly. It wasn't meant to be, and as hard as it was sometimes, Ella had accepted it. Her lover had been stolen from her. She hadn't given him up willingly. Again she felt sorry for Caitlin and for Colin, too. She knew they were hurting, and she prayed they'd find their way back to each other. Didn't they realize love was the only thing that truly mattered?  Everything else was just an accessory. Love was the single thing worth fighting for.

T
hree

Rogan and Hannah Goodrich came into the world on October 12
th
, 2008 at 2:13 A.M. and 2:26 A.M. respectively, amidst a sea of medical staff, blood, screaming and sheer terror. It had been the longest night of Caitlin's life, and she suddenly understood why women displayed their hours in labor as though they were a trophy. They were. Caitlin had been in labor for a little more than seven hours, and it had nearly killed her.

“
Mrs. Goodrich,” the night nurse said quietly, and startled, Caitlin opened her eyes. “Would you like to hold your son?”

“
Yes,” Caitlin said, and although she was exhausted, she sat upright and reached for the precious bundle the nurse offered.

“
Hello, Rogan,” Caitlin whispered, as a single tear slid down her cheek. “Welcome to the world, baby,” she added, overwhelmed by emotion. She took his tiny hand in her fingers, and felt the smooth perfection of his skin. She stroked his cheek as another tear fell. He was so tiny and new. This baby and his sister were her miracles, testaments to the love she felt for their father. She'd spent weeks preparing, weeks making changes to her life, afraid of the chaos their births would bring. Suddenly she realized none of that mattered. Nothing, but the child in her arms, and the one she hadn't yet met. She leaned down and gently kissed the baby's head and he stirred just for a moment.

“
I love you,” she whispered, amazed at how much she did. “How is this possible?” Caitlin asked, and the nurse smiled. “How could you love someone this much, someone you don't even know yet?”

“
It's the miracle of being a mother,” the nurse offered, sitting in the chair beside Caitlin's bed.

“
They are a miracle,” Caitlin said, as her mother walked softly into her room, carrying two large teddy bears.

“
Oh my word,” Rita whispered. “Who do we have here?” she asked, and Caitlin looked at her with an enormous smile.

“
This is Rogan,” Caitlin said. “Rogan William Goodrich. Rogan, this is your grandma. Would you like to hold him?” Caitlin asked, and Rita inhaled sharply. She sat on the edge of her daughter's bed, and reached out her arms to take the baby.

“
My God, he's precious,” Rita said, the emotion she was experiencing obvious in the tremble of her voice.

Caitlin said nothing. She simply stared at her mother and the child Rita held in her arms. Suddenly she understood so much more than she ever had. What she hadn't figured out in forty-four years was now as clear as day. This is how her mother felt when she was born. This was how it started, and Caitlin felt the urge to apologize, to tell Rita how sorry she was for never understanding until now. Before she could, a second nurse appeared in the doorway.

“
Can we join this little party?” he asked. He held a tiny baby in a pink blanket, against his choice of nurse's garb, a blue shirt with bright Winnie the Pooh characters. Caitlin felt her eyes fill with fresh tears. Rogan stirred in his grandmother's arms, and let out a sharp cry.

“
Sibling rivalry,” Rita said softly.

The nurse brought Hannah to her mother's bedside, and again Caitlin reached for her child.

“
Oh, Mom,” Caitlin said, staring into her daughter's eyes. “She's awake,” she added, as she showered kisses on the tiny face. “She's so small,” Caitlin said with amazement. “How can she be so small?” she asked, with a hint of fear in her voice.

“
She's fine, just petite,” the nurse said, as he turned to leave. “She's perfect,” he added. “Congratulations.”

Both nurses left quietly, leaving Caitlin and her mother alone with the babies. Hannah had fallen asleep in Caitlin's arms, and Rogan slept snuggled against his grandmother's chest.

“
She's beautiful,” Rita said. “What's her name?”

“
Hannah Margaret,” Caitlin said, gazing adoringly at the baby.

“
Margaret,” Rita said, sounding wistful.

Caitlin looked at her mother, in time to see sadness flash in her eyes. “After Grandma,” she said.

“
She would have loved that,” Rita whispered, and Caitlin reached for her mother's hand and squeezed it warmly. “I'm proud of you, Caitlin,” Rita said softly. “Thank you for letting me be here. I know I wasn't always the greatest mother.”

“
You were a great friend to me, Mom. Sometimes I just needed you to be my mom. Like last night. You were really there for me.”

“
I just wanted you to love me, Caitlin.”

“
I did. I do. Sometimes I felt like your mother. Do you understand what I mean?” Caitlin asked, and Rita nodded. “You were so........., I don't know....., all over the place. Daddy worked so much, and you were always in the shop. Sometimes I felt like I had to be the one to figure everything out.”

“
Oh God, Cate. I never meant to make you feel that way. Is that what happened to us?”

“
I don't know. I'm too tired to think right now. What do I do now, Mom?”

Caitlin looked again at her daughter and at her son who slept snuggled against his grandmother. Rita followed her gaze.

“
Now everything changes,” Rita said. “You'll learn to be a mother. Are you going to call him, Cate?” she asked softly, and Caitlin felt the buried sadness that brought with it a physical pain.

“
I should,” Caitlin replied. “I will.”

“
He deserves to know,”  Rita said.

“
He does,” Caitlin agreed. He did. These miracles were part of him, and no matter what he felt for their mother, he deserved to know. Caitlin looked at her mother, who smiled gently, so unlike her normal unruly manner. The tender moments they'd shared throughout the night seemed to have softened Rita Hollings, if only temporarily. Caitlin was grateful to her for staying by her side and she'd never have survived the past few hours without her. Still she felt sadness and loss, as it was Colin she'd needed by her side. It was his tears that should have mixed with hers as they both watched their babies come into the world. It was his hand she'd wanted to hold as the pain tore her apart. It was him she wanted. Always him. Only him.

“
Oh God, Mom. I miss him so much,” Caitlin said, the sob she'd held back finally tearing free.

“
I know, baby,” Rita said, taking her daughter in her arms, as much as was possible.

Caitlin sobbed for a long time, as Rita rubbed her back. The babies slept tucked between them, and the two women sat holding one another in the dark room. Caitlin had stopped crying, but her heart was filled and broken all at once, the combination of emotions enough to steal the breath from her.

F
our

Rosario Mariposa sat quietly listening to her daughter's even breathing. Six year old Mia slept soundly, completely unaware of how much her life was about to change. Tears slid down Rosario's cheeks, and occasionally she lifted her hand to wipe them away. Her arm felt heavy and tired, much like her entire body, as she lifted it to quiet a sob with her fist. She was thirty-three years old, she shouldn't feel like this. Her body was ravaged, worn out, destroyed by a disease with no cure. But her mind was still sharp and aware, too aware, and it was this awareness that hurt the most. She had known her body was dying, and a little more than a day before, her doctor had confirmed it. She'd been diagnosed with AIDS two years before and had lived for four years with HIV inside her like a terrorist waiting to strike. It had been an endless battle, one she was not going to win.

“
It's worse, isn't it?” she'd asked the doctor, her voice very small.

“
Yes,” he'd answered. “You'll need to be hospitalized if your count gets any lower,” the doctor had said softly, not quite meeting his patient's eyes.

“
For how long?” Rosario had asked, certain of the answer.

For a moment the two sat in silence, the doctor with the bad news, and the patient who knew it was coming. Rosario had fought to maintain control, and had conjured up a courage she didn't know she had.

“
I won't be leaving this time, will I?” she asked the doctor who could not meet her eyes. When he finally made eye contact, she wasn't sure what she saw there. Defeat? Resolution?  Or simply sadness?

“
No,” he had said softly, “this is probably it. I'm sorry,” he added before looking away. The pain he saw in her eyes was more than he could bear.

Rosario panicked, not for herself, but for her precious daughter who was unaware that her life would soon be changed forever. Mia – Rosario's treasure, her motivation, her reason for living – would be an orphan.

“
What about Mia?” she'd asked softly.

“
You'll want to get your affairs in order,” the doctor had said. It was almost an idiotic statement, and as Rosario looked at him, she suspected he knew it.

“
My affairs,” Rosario had repeated. “Right, get my affairs in order. Explain to my six year old daughter that she's going to be an orphan. How do you think that's going to go, Doctor?  Any expert advice on that one?” she'd asked.

“
I'm sorry, Rosario. But we've known all along the outlook was poor.”

She had known, but still hoped for a miracle. She believed in miracles. Perhaps a cure for her condition would be discovered tomorrow, or the next day. Rosario couldn't give up. She was a fighter. She had to be. Mia needed her.

But the look on Doctor Burns' face told her that the disease had ravaged her body so much that even if they found a cure, it wouldn't be enough.

“
I'm sorry, Doctor,” Rosario had said meekly. “I know you've done everything you can.”

Doctor Burns had squeezed her hand for a long moment, and then nearly as an afterthought, he'd bent and gently kissed her cheek.

“
Godspeed, Rosario,” he'd whispered, and as demurely as possible, she'd turned and left his office.

“
Oh, God, please no!  I need more time,” Rosario said in her daughter's dimly lit bedroom. Only then did the full weight of the situation hit her. The tears that had been falling erupted and she began to sob uncontrollably.

“
Mama,” Mia said softly. “What's wrong, Mama?” the child asked. Rosario crept through the darkness to her bedside.

“
It's okay. Mama had a bad dream,” Rosario whispered, wishing it were true.

“
Do you want to sleep with me, Mama?” the little girl asked, and Rosario tried to steady herself. She was approaching hysteria.

“
Yes, my precious. Yes, I do,” she whispered back after she had regained sufficient composure. Rosario climbed into the bed beside the child she loved more than her own life.

“
Don't lay on Marvin,” Mia warned, her voice thick with sleep, and Rosario gently picked up the love-worn bear and pulled it to to her. “I love you, Mama,” Mia whispered, as her eyes fluttered closed.

“
I love you too, baby,” Rosario said. She laid for a long time in the dark as her tears continued to fall. Finally, as dawn approached, Rosario slept, holding tightly to her daughter and the old bear.

***

Colin Thomas rose from his bed aching and exhausted. He had slept, but fitfully, and for just a couple of hours.

“
Shit!” he shouted, after taking a step, and banging his toe on his open suitcase. He suppressed the urge to kick the luggage and sat on the edge of his bed. He'd dreamed of Caitlin, his dreams so vivid, that at four o'clock in the morning he'd woken suddenly, certain she'd be at his side. He'd called her name, and reached for her, and the ache he felt when he realized he had merely dreamed her was very real. He hated that he had to go away, hated the damn conventions that took him from his patients and his life. Lately he'd hated his life, but in the early hours of the night before, he'd made a decision. He knew what he wanted, and it was time for him to try to go back in time and get it.