The House of Roses (13 page)

“
I'm going to miss you too, Mia,” Rosario whispered.

Fifteen

Colin Thomas sat in the back corner of the Starbucks attached to the Barnes & Noble book store fourteen blocks from his hotel. He'd quickly dropped $150.00 on books about parenting, and he slowly flipped through the first one as he sipped his espresso. It was well into the evening and the bookstore was quiet, as was the coffee shop.

The concierge had given him directions to the store, as Colin had stood patiently waiting.

“
A book lover,” the older gentleman had said, as he quickly jotted the directions on a small slip of paper.

“
I'm adopting a child. I need to read everything I can about it,” Colin had responded, surprised to hear himself make the admission.

Caitlin would have called it “telling the universe”, and wherever she was, he imagined she still did.

“
Tell the universe,” she'd say. “Tell it what you want. I want to write a bestseller,” she'd once said, standing in the front window of her apartment, staring out at a Brooklyn morning.

Not with the shit in that first book,
he thought, and then chastised himself for thinking it.

Sitting in the coffee shop, Colin could hear her words in his head, and they were so loud, and so clear, that he wouldn't have been surprised to turn around and see her standing behind him.

Instinctively, he turned. There was no one behind him. He took his laptop from his briefcase, and opened it on the table in front of him. Quickly he checked his email, but found no response from his lawyer friend.

“
Shit,” he whispered.

Colin knew he faced a lot of legalese in the process of adopting Mia, or at least assuming guardianship, and he doubted any of the books in the bag on the chair beside him would clearly explain the process.
What the hell am I doing? 
He was nearing forty and was a workaholic who didn't have time for a gold fish. He couldn't sustain a relationship for more than a few months, with the exception of Caitlin, and he'd blown that one all to hell. He had no parenting skills, and was about to become a father to a child he barely knew.
What the hell was he doing? 
He checked the laptop again. Still no email. He doubted the email would tell him much about being a father, and suddenly he wasn't sure he could learn how from any book. He supposed he'd have to take it one day at a time. He wanted to call Caitlin, and before he could stop himself, he reached for his phone and flipped it open.
What the hell was he thinking?
  He couldn't just call Cate and ask her for advice about becoming a father. She'd probably hang up on him, with good reason. Even if he were brave enough to call her, which he wasn't, he certainly couldn't open with a line like that. She'd probably reach through the phone and punch him, if such a thing was possible, and for that level of stupidity, it just might be.
Who could he call?
  He punched in the numbers for his answering service, and as he hoped, Caren answered on the first ring. He wondered for a moment if she ever went home.
Hadn't she been there at the crack of dawn?

“
Caren, it's Colin, how are you?” he asked, and he heard her sigh. He knew how she was.

“
I'm here, Colin. Nothing to report,” she replied.

“
That's good to know. Caren, do you ever go home?” he asked, although it was none of his business.

“
I covered for someone this morning. This is my regular shift. Besides, I don't have anything to go home to,” she added, sadly.

“
I'm sorry, Caren.”

“
Yeah, Doc. Me, too. Anyway, what can I do for you?  Did you call her?” she asked, and he chuckled.

“
No, and that's not why I'm calling.”

“
Well, then why don't you tell me why you are, before an emergency springs up on my other line.”

“
I'm not sure how to ask this.”

“
Just ask.”

“
How much do you dislike your job?” he asked, and he could almost picture her expression.

“
What's the scale?” she asked, with a slight laugh.

“
Say, one to ten.”

“
One hundred fifty seven,” she said, and he returned the laugh. “Is this off the record?”

“
Off anyone's but mine. Can we keep it off the record?” he asked.

“
Your secret's safe with me,” she said.

“
Good to know. My secrets aren't usually safe with anyone,” he said. “Caren, I have a patient. Her mother is dying of AIDS. It's happening fast. Her father has also passed from AIDS. The mother has no one, Caren, no one.”

“
How sad,” Caren said sympathetically.

“
I know. This woman's dying wish is to find a home for her daughter. I've offered to adopt her,” Colin said softly. Caren said nothing, and he sat for a moment, listening to the silence. “Caren?”

“
I don't know what to say,” she said in a soft voice.

“
Say what you're thinking.”

“
I'm not sure it's my place.”

“
I just made it your place by telling you my decision and asking for your opinion.”

“
Have you thought this through?” Caren asked.

“
Would it sound crazy if I said I always knew I had some connection to this child?”

“
No. But that being said, are you sure about this?”

“
More sure than I've ever been about anything.”
Except my love for Caitlin.

“
I trust you,” she said, and he smiled. “So, I have to ask why you called me. There must be someone closer to you that you could confide in.”

Not anymore.
“I'm calling because I..., I wondered if you've considered becoming a nanny again?” Colin stammered, anticipating her answer. 

“
Every minute of my life,” she replied, and he felt himself relax.

“
Would you consider working for me?” he asked.

“
Yes. When would you need me, Colin?  I don't love this job, but I'd need to give them a reasonable amount of notice.”

“
I understand, Caren. Well.........,” he said, uncertain of how to respond.

“
I asked that, didn't I?” Caren said, through a slight groan.

“
It's okay. I would have asked the same thing,” Colin said. “I would think you'd need to start fairly soon. I can work around your schedule, and I have a lot of time coming if I need to take it. Doctor Burns is the mother's physician. He told her just this past Friday that she'd have to be hospitalized soon. There isn't anyplace else for her daughter to go when that happens.”

“
I'm still not sure what to say. Are you sure about this?  I don't mean to sound cavalier about this woman's situation, or her little girl, but I can't just quit this job.”

“
I understand, Caren. I'm sure. I've made my decision.”

“
Okay. I'll talk to the service. Why don't you call me when you get back.”

“
I will. You think I'm nuts, don't you?”

“
I think it's unusual.”

“
It's an unusual situation.”

“
Aren't you crossing the line?” Caren asked, choosing her words carefully.

“
I've already crossed it with this one. I don't quite get it myself, Caren, but something is telling me I have to do this, as if everything in my life has led me to this place so I can be here for this little girl,” he said.

He was surprised by his own words, and more than anything he wanted to call Caitlin and tell her what he was doing. Colin heard a distinct ringing, the sudden noise interrupting his thoughts.

“
Colin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My other line is ringing.”

“
Okay, Caren, and thank you. I'll call you as soon as I know more. Remember, this is all off the record,” he reminded her, although this time he suspected he didn't have to ask.

“
Off the record. Have a good night, Colin. I'll talk to you soon. I'm proud of you,” she added, and Colin heard her disconnect the call.

He set the phone aside, and picked up his espresso. He was proud of himself. Although he hated the reason why it was all happening, he couldn't help but smile. He felt confident he was a good doctor, but he suddenly felt as though he was more than that. For the first time in a long time, he felt like a good man. He felt at peace with his decision, although he was terrified. He thought of Rosario, imagined her fear, and felt the familiar pain of heartbreak. He would be a good father, for Mia, and for her mother, whose only concern as she faced death was for the child she'd leave behind.

He sat quietly, pondering his life as he rarely did. He'd always felt his life had purpose, but suddenly he felt as though his life had meaning. Meaning was more important.

Sixteen

Caitlin Goodrich stood at the window looking out at the clear morning. Liz Parker had slept in the ICU waiting room. Rita, who had been back and forth to the ICU a dozen times, finally dozed in a chair beside Caitlin's bed. The nurses had brought the babies thirty minutes before, and Rita had not stirred. The room was filled with the soft sound of the television, Rita's rhythmic breathing, and an occasional coo from the twins who slept peacefully in their tiny beds. Miraculously Ella Simons had survived the night, and Caitlin paused for a moment and closed her eyes, silently thanking God for the small miracle that had been bestowed upon them.

“
Cate, what time is it?” Rita asked, and Caitlin turned with a start.

“
It's just before 8:00,” Caitlin whispered.

“
I can't remember what time I came back.”

“
Just past 6:00.”

“
Were you up?”

“
No, but I heard you come in.”

“
Have you heard anything from Liz?” Rita asked, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“
Yes. Ella is still hanging on.”

“
Oh, thank God,” Rita said, standing and stretching. She massaged her left shoulder with her right hand, and winced against the tension that had settled there. It had not been an easy few days.

“
I just did,” Caitlin said softly, as Hannah awoke with a sharp cry.

“
May I?” Rita asked, crossing the room to stand beside the tiny crib.

“
Of course, Grandma,” Caitlin said, smiling at Rita. “Mom?” Caitlin said, and Rita felt her pulse quicken. She knew what was coming.

“
Hmm?” Rita said, sitting down with the baby.

“
What's going on?”

“
With what, Cate?”

“
Don't be coy.”

“
Sorry,” Rita said, showering the baby's tiny face with kisses.

“
Mom, come on,” Caitlin began. “Is something going on with you and Liz, or with Ella?”

“
Well, obviously,” Rita said, sounding slightly annoyed. She hoped the annoyance in her voice would quiet the fear she was certain her daughter could hear there.

“
Something other than the obvious,” Caitlin said, sitting on the bed, her eyes never leaving Rita's face.

“
Something happened a long time ago, Cate.”

“
And this has something to do with me?” Caitlin asked.

“
In a roundabout way,” Rita said, sounding more casual than she felt.

“
Mom, jeez. Could you be more vague?” Caitlin asked with a scowl.

“
Probably, now that you mention it.”

“
Oh, you infuriate me!” Caitlin barked, as her doctor walked into the room.

“
How's everyone?” he asked, and Caitlin smiled.

“
We're good,” she said, and he returned the smile.

“
And the breastfeeding, how is that going?” he asked.

“
Not that well. I'm not sure who's not getting it, me or them,” Caitlin responded.

“
Well, let me send the nurse in later on, and we can talk about some formula alternatives, if you're more comfortable with that. I think these guys are ready to go home,” he added, and Caitlin gasped.

“
Go home?” she said, sounding frightened.