The Hitwoman and the Neurotic Witness (8 page)

“Besides,” he continued. “I’d rather sit down here than listen to Loretta and Templeton’s afternoon delight adventures.”

I winced, suddenly feeling sorry for the guy and understanding why the mundane task held so much appeal. “Sorry about that.”

Griswald shook his head. “No need. Someone should be happy.”

The clatter of footsteps hurrying down the stairs announced Susan’s arrival before she breezed into the room with an indignant huff. “The makers of Viagra are responsible for the downfall of modern society.”

Griswald chuckled.

I nodded sympathetically.

“Do you have any idea how long they’ve been at it?” Susan asked.

“I’d rather not,” I muttered. Desperate to change the direction of the conversation I told her, “My friend Armani is coming over around eight.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I couldn’t very well tell Susan that she was trying to figure out whether or not Gypsy was really able to communicate with the spirit world.

“You know we have a full house,” Susan complained. “And that friend of Zeke’s….” She rolled her eyes, signaling her displeasure.

“Armani’s coming to visit, not to stay,” I assured her.

Sinking into a chair, she frowned. “I don’t know how you all expect me to keep up. I’m only one person.”

Unused to hearing her complain, a surge of worry shot through me. “What’s wrong? If you need help, just tell me what you need done and I’ll take care of it for you.”

Her expression softened. “I know you will, Margaret. It’s just that it’s all been so much…”

“I know. I know,” I soothed, realizing that while I might have been able to take my father’s escape from prison, Paul’s attempt to kill me, and my apartment being blown to smithereens in stride, not everyone could. That stress, coupled with the sudden influx of guests, was obviously too much for her to handle. “I’ll tell Armani to come by another time.”

Susan shook her head. “It’s not that…have you spoken to Marlene?”

“I don’t think she was up when I went to work and I just got home,” I said slowly. “She was smoking in her room. Smoking!” Susan practically screeched.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Griswald flinch, but he was wise enough to remain silent.

“She probably just forgot the rules,” I said.

“But she’s a smoker!” Susan wailed, as though she thought that was the equivalent of being a serial killer.

I bit the inside of my cheek, resisting the urge to point out that since Marlene had spent who-knows-how-many-years working as a prostitute that she’d probably picked up more than one vice Susan wouldn’t approve of. Instead I said, “I’ll talk to her.”

“And tell her she can’t leave her dirty dishes in the sink.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Your mother likes Armani,” Susan said.

“Huh?” I asked, the change of conversation giving me whiplash.

“Your mother met Armani at Alice’s wedding,” my aunt explained to me slowly as though I were mentally deficient. “She liked her.”

Deciding the safest response was to say nothing at all, I nodded.

“You should have her come over,” Susan decided.

“I thought you said—” I began.

“I think the dog wants to be let inside,” Griswald interrupted. He raised his eyebrows at me, which seemed to indicate that I should escape while I was still in possession of some of my sanity.

Nodding my thanks, I practically ran from the room.

I let DeeDee into the basement through the cellar storm doors just so I wouldn’t have to risk another run-in with Susan. The moment we stepped inside, I realized I hadn’t made a clean getaway.

“It’s about time,” God complained from the shadows. “You left me here all alone with nothing to keep me entertained. I almost died of boredom.”

“Poor thing,” I said sarcastically. “How did you ever manage to survive?”

“Sleep,” DeeDee panted.

The lizard stuck his tongue out at her. “Hush, beast.”

“You slept all day?” I asked.

“There was nothing, absolutely nothing, else to do,” God declared haughtily.

“I’ll make you a deal,” I told the lizard. “I’ll turn on the TV to whatever you want to watch, if you’ll let me nap for an hour.”

“Tired Maggie?” DeeDee asked.

“Exhausted,” I confessed without exaggeration. I hadn’t gotten a decent night’s sleep in almost a week.

“E!” God said.

“Does that mean you agree?” I asked, confused.

“E!”

I frowned at him. “You’re going to have to give me more than a letter to go on.”

“I want to watch E! Entertainment Television, you moron,” God thundered.

“Why?” I asked, shuffling toward the remote control.

“Letter!” DeeDee barked excitedly. “Letter Y.”

The lizard twitched his tail, signaling his annoyance. “That’s what I get for teaching her the alphabet. Just turn on the channel so that I can keep up with the Kardashians.”

“Who?” I asked.

My reptilian companion stared at me, “Do you live under a rock?”

“I’m a busy woman,” I said defensively.

“The Kardashians…they’re like American royalty.”

“Like the Kennedys?” I turned on the television.

“No, no!” The little guy actually stamped his foot. “They haven’t held public office, or been convicted of crimes, or been assassinated.”

“So what makes them royalty?” I asked, scrolling through the channels.

“E!” DeeDee woofed helpfully.

“Wrong, beast,” God said with a smug flick of his tail. “It all started with a sex tape.”

Dropping the remote beside the set, I went and took a nap on the couch.

~#~

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty,” a man whispered, gently shaking my shoulder.

I smiled before I opened my eyes. I’d been dreaming about Patrick, and here he was. I sighed my contentment.

Except when I focused on his features, I realized it wasn’t Patrick hovering over me.

“Aaaaaah!” I screamed, shoving the man.

Stumbling away, barely able to remain upright, he said, “Easy, Maggie. No one’s going to hurt you.”

Struggling to sit up, I glared at him. “What the hell are you doing?”

Zeke raised his hands defensively. “Susan asked me to wake you. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Why didn’t you just knock?”

“I did, but you were out cold.” Straightening, Zeke lowered his hands and watched me carefully.

“Snoring,” DeeDee confirmed on a quiet whine.

“What the hell kind of watch dog are you?” I asked.

Cocking her head, she looked at Zeke. “Dangerous?” Jumping to her feet, she snarled softly at him.

Poor Zeke froze.

“No, he’s not dangerous,” I told the dog.

Relaxing, she lay back down.

“I’m trying to watch my program,” God yelled. “Can you keep it down?”

Zeke turned his head in the direction of the squeaking noise.

“It’s the lizard,” I offered as explanation.

“Okay.” He slid a nervous gaze toward the Doberman. “I really didn’t mean to startle you. It’s just that Susan’s on a tear and she asked me to get you.”

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I stood up. “What’s bothering her now?”

“Her boyfriends don’t like each other.”

I blinked, certain I’d heard him wrong. “Say that again.”

“Her boyfriends aren’t playing nice.”

“
Boyfriends
? Plural?”

Amusement flashed in his eyes. “You haven’t noticed?”

“I know she’s dating Bob. We met him at Alice’s wedding.”

Zeke nodded. “The Marshal has the hots for her too.”

The idea that two men were besotted with my uptight, overbearing aunt was too much for me. I sank back down onto the couch. “You’re kidding.”

Zeke chuckled. “Can you think of any other reason why a man would spend an afternoon polishing silver?”

“He told me he found it satisfying.”

Giving the dog a wide berth, Zeke sat down beside me. “Do you remember the time when we were still in school and the local radio station was giving away Chris Isaak tickets and we stayed up all night trying to win them even though we had exams the next day?”

I nodded slowly, the memory distant and blurry.

“I can’t name a single Isaak song. I was just trying to win them to make you happy. I imagine Griswald was fussing with the silver for the same reason.”

“I didn’t know.” I felt more than a twinge of guilt as I remembered that I’d always believed Zeke had been competing with me to win the tickets, not trying to win them for me.

“And I don’t think Susan knows,” Zeke said. “She probably has no idea why the two guys are up there circling each other like caged dogs.”

“Dogs?” DeeDee panted.

“No offense,” Zeke quickly told the mutt.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Time to get lost!” God yelled from his spot in front of the television.

“Almost eight,” Zeke replied.

“Armani will be here any minute,” I said, slowly getting to my feet again.

“I like her.”

“So does my mom,” I muttered. “Is Gypsy here?”

Zeke’s expression grew solemn. “Why?”

His change of mood piqued my curiosity. “What’s the deal with you two?”

He stared at me for a long moment. “She’s got a job to do. I’m here to make sure she does her job.”

“What kind of job?”

He shook his head. “The kind you’re better off not knowing about.”

“Are you in trouble, Zeke?”

Something that looked a lot like self-doubt flickered in his eyes for the briefest of moments before he flashed his mega-watt smile. “Of course not.”

I didn’t believe him, but I was too conscious of all the secrets that I was keeping to call him on the fib.

“Susan left a plate of dinner for you in the fridge. You should go nuke it.”

“Dinner?” DeeDee panted, leaping to her feet.

Zeke jumped away from her.

“Relax,” I told him. “She’s just hungry.”

“I don’t want her taking a bite out of me,” he teased nervously.

DeeDee gave him a long considering look before barking, “Meat!”

I chuckled at the look of terror on Zeke’s face. It was a good thing he couldn’t understand the dog. “Let’s see what Susan wants to feed you,” I said, ushering her upstairs and waving for him to follow us.

“I’m going to check on Gypsy,” Zeke declared, rushing up the stairs toward the bedrooms.

He hadn’t been exaggerating about the tension. I sensed it the moment I stepped into the dining room. Bob and the marshal were studiously ignoring each other while Aunt Leslie prattled on about seeing a bunny at the side of the road.

I eyed her carefully, trying to determine whether she was high again, or just being her usual air-headed self.

“Is that you, Maggie?” Leslie asked, staring right at me.

I turned and peered at the empty spot behind where I stood. “I think so.”

Both of Susan’s love interests chuckled.

“Is that your dog?” Leslie asked like she’d never set eyes on the Doberman before.

Deciding that she must be higher than the Empire State Building, I chose to humor her. “Yes, she is.”

Confused, the dog cocked her head and asked in her breathy, bimbo-y voice. “Crazy?”

“High,” I answered.

“Hi?” the dog repeated. “Bye?”

“Go see if you can get Susan to feed you,” I said, shooing her toward the kitchen.

A mutt on a mission, she trotted away.

“Obedient dog,” Bob said.

I smiled at the builder. I liked the simple, honest man and thought he was a good match for my demanding aunt. Plus he didn’t have the power to arrest my hired-gun butt so I thought he was a better long-term match. “She’s selectively obedient.”

“Aren’t we all?” he joked. “Susan said to tell you to have a seat. She’s heating a plate for you. Chicken Cording something.”

“Chicken Cordon Blue,” Griswald corrected.

Bob ignored him. “She told me your friend Armani is going to be here.”

I nodded, slipping into a chair.

“I like her,” Bob said.

“Everyone does,” I muttered.

“Do I like her?” Leslie asked. She was studying her reflection in the shiny silver punch bowl on the sideboard like she’d never seen herself before.

“Like who?” Susan asked, plunking a steaming plate in front of me.

“Armani,” Bob supplied.

“Everyone likes Armani,” Susan snapped.

I looked down at the chicken, ham, and melted Swiss and my stomach roiled traitorously. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Nonsense.” Susan waved her hand at me like I was a pesky fly. “Eat.”

Susan has never understood my aversion to Swiss cheese, but just the sight of it is enough to make me want to toss my cookies.

Thankfully the FBI saved me from having to refuse her culinary creation.

“I’m starving,” Aaron Griswald said as he strode into the room.

I wordlessly handed him my plate.

He dug into it with gusto, without even bothering to sit down.

“Animals eat standing at troughs,” his brother reminded him disdainfully.

The FBI agent glared at the U.S. Marshal. The marshal scowled back. Neither blinked. Neither moved.

Aaron swallowed his mouthful of food. Without taking his eyes off his brother he said, “This is delicious.”

“At least
someone
appreciates my cooking,” Susan said.

“I appreciate it, honey,” Bob assured her.

Breaking eye contact with his sibling, Marshal Griswald flashed her a grateful smile. “As do I.”

Susan beamed.

I pulled out a chair for the younger Griswald, indicating he should sit. He did so, but seemed hesitant to relinquish his hold on the plate of food.

“Do I like you?” Leslie asked.

Startled, the FBI agent put the plate down with a clatter. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

“This is Susan’s sister, Leslie,” Griswald said by way of introduction.

“Hello.” Aaron nodded a polite greeting.

“Does everyone like you?” Leslie asked.

“Not him,” Aaron said, inclining his head in the direction of his brother.

“I thought you were going to talk to her.” Susan arched her eyebrows at me to better convey her displeasure at my failure to control her sister.

“I thought you wanted me to talk to Marlene,” I countered.

“Have you?” Susan asked.