The Hidden Years (65 page)

'She died moments later…'

Sage discovered that her eyes were wet with tears. Without
even thinking about what she was doing, she opened her arms and they
embraced, hugging one another, gently rocking together as they
communicated in mutual female understanding.

'And that's not all,' Faye told her shakily when they had
disengaged themselves.

She couldn't quite meet Sage's eyes.

'I'm sure this will shock you—it certainly
shocks me…but I've got to tell you, because although it was
really quite dreadful, in a way it was the most wonderful, magical
thing that's ever happened to me.

'After my mother died, I just walked out of the hospital
and kept on walking, for miles and miles… I ended up on the
beach, watching the tide… feeling its ebb and flow like a
tide inside my body.

'There was a man there—not young, not old, a
very ordinary kind of nondescript man playing with his dog. He must
have thought I looked suicidal or something because he came up to me
after a while and asked me if I was all right.

'I told him that I was, but—I don't know
why—I started to cry.

'He insisted on staying with me, talking to me…
I told him my mother had just died. He had a flask of coffee with him
and he poured me a cup. He said he knew what it was like, that his wife
had died of cancer earlier in the year… He told me that they
had no children and that the dog had been hers. He lived in
Fellingham— he was a teacher, he told me. He asked me if I'd
like to go back to his house with him. Not for any kind of sexual
reason, I swear. He was simply being kind. He knew what it was like,
you see, the shock of death, the void it leaves, the feeling of
instability and insecurity.

'Because I wasn't ready to come back here I went with him.

'It was a nice house, small and well kept; there were
photographs of his wife in the sitting-room—and although the
house was immaculate I could tell it was empty in some way.

'He told me that since her death he'd moved out of their
bedroom because he couldn't endure sleeping in their bed on his
own… I don't know what came over me, Sage, I really
don't… But I looked at him, and without even knowing I was
going to say it I suddenly heard myself asking him if he'd like to make
love with me…'

Her face went pink, her eyes darkening. 'I shouldn't be
telling you any of this. It's—'

'You should be telling me,' Sage contradicted gently, 'and
I'm not shocked. How did he respond? Did he make love to you?'

'Well, yes… yes… he did…
I think he was rather taken aback at first… I didn't tell
him anything, not about myself, not about David, but it was as though
in some way he understood that it wasn't simply a matter of a bored
housewife looking for a sexual adventure… It was as though
in some way he had been sent to me, if you know what I
mean…' She gave Sage a defiant, shame-faced look. 'I suppose
you think I'm making that up just to excuse myself?'

'No. No. I don't… You're not promiscuous, Faye.
You don't need to tell me that.'

'No… sexually I must be the most inexperienced
forty-one-year-old there is—or at least I was…'

Again a blush tinged her skin. 'Well, I don't know very
much about men. As I've said, he was very ordinary—the kind
of man you'd never really pay much attention to, and I certainly don't
have the experience to make comparisons, judgements, but…'
She broke off. her blush deepening.

'It was good?' Sage guessed delightedly.

'Good?' Faye grinned at her. 'It was… it was
wonderful. I'd never dreamed… never known… never
imagined…'

Wisely Sage said nothing to her about the heightening
effects strong emotion could have on a woman's sexual responsiveness,
nothing about the fact that Faye had already inadvertently told her
that she was in a state of euphoria, and said gently, instead, 'I'm
glad for you, Faye. Will you be seeing him again?'

Instantly Faye looked shocked. 'Oh, no…it was
nothing like that. We both said, both agreed… He said it was
the first time since…since his wife. Oh, but, Sage, he was
so tender, so caring, so…so knowing somehow of everything I
needed. He made me feel… He made me feel like a woman. For
the first time in my life I realised what sexual desire was like. It
was as though something clicked into place. As though a missing piece
of me was suddenly there. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, I
wanted…

'When he touched my breasts, kissed them…
instead of feeling revulsion and horror I felt pleasure, joy. Instead
of only wanting him to touch me in the darkness, I felt proud of my
body. I wanted him to see it. I wanted…' she shook her head
'… I wanted so many things I'd never even wanted to think
about, never mind experience. I didn't feel at all as though I was
betraying David, as though I was doing something dirty or wrong. It
didn't matter that he was a stranger, that I didn't love him or he me.
It was as though… as though for both of us it was a true
celebration of life. Yes, that was it— it was as though after
years of deprivation, of hunger, I had been given a banquet filled with
things to tempt and please me… as though I was being given a
gift devised especially for me.'

'A gift that might perhaps have consequences,' Sage
pressed gently.

Faye frowned and then shook her head. 'A child?
No… He had already told me that he was infertile—
that was why they had no family. He had a low sperm-count.' Now that
she had started talking, confiding, she was finding it impossible to
stop.

'The things he did for me,' she said breathlessly, her
eyes glowing like a child discovering Christmas for the first time.
'The things I did for him…'

Sage laughed. Sex held no embarrassments or surprises for
her. She felt no disgust, no shock, only pleasure and happiness for
Faye and a little gentle amusement at her sister-in-law's new-found
enthusiasm—plus, if she was honest, more than a small amount
of envy. Not of Faye's lover, but of her joy, her innocence. They made
her feel jaded, used, regretful that the kind of joy radiating from
Faye was something she had never known or ever would know. No matter
what Faye did, she would always have that look of awed innocence about
her, that sweetly feminine aura of mystery so very different from her
own potent sexual allure.

'Tell me about them,' she invited, sensing that that was
exactly what Faye wanted to do… that she wanted to relive
what had happened and that in telling her about it she could do so. It
was no sordid or voyeuristic impulse that made her invite Faye's
confidences. After all, Faye could hardly tell her anything she had not
already experienced for herself. No, it was simply that she wanted to
reach out and help her, to give her something… to make this
special time even more special for her.

'Well, once he had got over his shock, he looked at me and
said quietly, "I didn't bring you here to have sex with you, you know,
but if you're sure…" '

'I told him that I was. We went upstairs… I
don't know what I expected, really, I just knew it was something I had
to do. When we were in the bedroom he put his arms round me and started
to kiss me. I hadn't expected that…

'It was nice. He was very gentle… very slow. He
told me how lovely I was, how happy I was making him, and then he
started to undress me… I'd thought I'd have to take off my
own clothes and his but he wouldn't let me. It was as though in some
way he knew. I felt so safe with him, Sage, so free, so completely
myself. I knew it was something I was doing for myself and not for him,
and that made me feel very strong, very powerful.'

Sage dipped her head, smiling wryly to herself. How well
she had once known that feeling. But not with Daniel. Never with
Daniel… With him she had felt vulnerable, afraid, weak.

'When he touched my breasts, well, it felt… Oh,
I don't know… I just wanted him to go on stroking me. We
were on the bed then, lying down… He kissed my throat and
then my breasts, first one and then the other, so slowly that it was
like being lapped in warm water.

'And then suddenly, so quickly that I hardly knew what was
happening, I wanted him to be less gentle with me, to…' She
broke off, flushing, avoiding Sage's eyes.

'I know what you mean,' Sage told her easily. 'It's a
strange feeling, isn't it—but a pretty nice one?' she added
with a grin.

Faye gave her a relieved look.

'Yes…yes…and he seemed to realise
how I felt, what I wanted because he… Oh, Sage, he made me
ache so much inside. I'd never realised, never felt… It was
as though I could almost feel something inside me softening and
opening… Before—with David—well, he was
always gentle, but it was always uncomfortable, never really easy, if
you know what I mean, but when
he
touched me,
just with his fingers at first, it was as though he'd touched a secret
lock…'

She sounded so amazed, so wondering that Sage had to
smile. Privately she had already decided that Faye's stranger sounded a
very accomplished lover indeed and had quite obviously known how to
arouse a woman, but she kept these thoughts to herself. If Faye wanted
or needed to believe that his touch had been invested with a special
magic, then so be it. She for one didn't want to do a single thing that
would cast the lightest shadow over Faye's joy.

'And… And he didn't just touch me…'
Faye told her breathlessly. 'He…' She broke off, her face
suddenly red, her breathing accelerated as she twisted restlessly on
the bed.

'Oral sex can be pretty special,' Sage supplied
matter-of-factly for her.

Faye gave her a thankful half-relieved, half-triumphant
look, her eyes suddenly shy, her mouth quivering a little as it curled
up at the corners with remembered pleasure.

'Sage, it felt so good. I had no idea… I just
wanted it to go on and on, but then when it did, suddenly…
suddenly it wasn't enough and I wanted…' She gave a tiny
shudder, closing her eyes as she whispered huskily, 'For the first time
in my life, the very first time, I realised what it was that makes sex
so important, so…so powerful. I couldn't believe what was
happening… couldn't believe that I could actually feel like
that, could actually feel such pleasure…

'And afterwards, oh, Sage, he made love to me all over
again, only this time he showed me how to please him, to give him the
same pleasure he had given me, and when it happened again…'
She shuddered again.

'When I left we both knew that we'd never meet again, that
it would never happen again. It was as though we were fated to
meet—as though…' She swallowed nervously and
huskily.

'Don't laugh at me or judge me. I'm not trying to make
excuses for myself, but when I left him I felt as though it was David's
way of rewarding me for forgiving my mother.'

Or nature's way of reacting to the removal of a burden
which must have been an intolerable weight for far too many years? Sage
wondered wisely, but she kept this thought to herself. Who was she to
question what was obviously for Faye a deeply held belief? And the last
thing she wanted to do was to mar her sister-in-law's release from the
kind of bondage that made Sage feel sick with disgust and hatred for
the man who had degraded and hurt her, imposing it on her.

'You aren't shocked, disgusted…?'

'On the contrary, I think I'm rather envious,' Sage told
her wryly. 'You didn't happen to make a note of this wonderman's
address, did you?' she asked mischievously.

Faye gave her a round-eyed look and then, realising that
Sage was trying to lighten the emotional mood, laughed herself and
shook her head. 'No…nor do I intend to make a habit of
having sex with strangers…'

'I'm very pleased to hear it,' Sage told her drily. 'After
all, if it's sex you want, as I've already said, I suspect Mother's
very dishy surgeon would be only too pleased to partner you…
In fact, I suspect he's more than half in love with you already. He
certainly seemed most concerned about you when he rang here.'

'Oh, he saw me in Fellingham the last time I visited my
mother in the home. He tried to question me, to talk to me, but I was
in such a state that I was rather unpleasant to him, poor
man…'

'Mmm… well, I'm sure he'd be only too pleased
to allow you to make amends for it, if you wanted to.'

She said it half expecting to hear the embarrassed, stiff
repudiation she would have heard from the old Faye, but to her surprise
and amusement instead Faye seemed to be digesting her comment rather
thoughtfully.

'He seemed quite nice,' she said eventually.

'Very nice,' Sage agreed, straight-faced.

'Oh, Sage, we oughtn't to be thinking like
this… not with Liz…' She broke off, shaking her
head. 'I feel so confused about everything at the moment…'

'I'm not surprised,' Sage acknowledged. 'And as for
Mother, I'm sure she'd be the first to tell you that doing the right
thing for yourself is far more important than paying lip-service to
convention. She knows you love her, Faye—she knows how much you care. The fact that
you and I are sitting here laughing doesn't mean that both of us aren't
thinking about her, aren't willing her to survive, and to suggest that
she might think it is an insult to her…'

Sage saw the curious look Faye gave her and turned her
head away defensively and then explained huskily, 'It's the diaries.
They're making me see her in so many different
ways—as… as a woman rather than as a mother, if
you know what I mean…' She hesitated, groping for the right
words to explain her own confusion in the discovery that her mother,
the woman she had always privately thought of as cold and withdrawn,
was in fact the very opposite.
Why
had she
misjudged her so badly? Was it because of their relationship, or was it
because her mother had deliberately fostered that belief? If so, why?
Why had she wanted to drive a wedge between them, to ensure almost from
her childhood that they would never be close?