The Heinie Prize (4 page)

The laundry room is in the basement of the Student Center. I stepped in and saw two long rows of gleaming, white washers and dryers. Kids from all three dorms do their own laundry here.

Of course, I'd never been
near
the laundry room. But how hard could it be to work the machines? Not hard at all if you're a genius like someone I know—namely
me
.

I pulled on a double layer of rubber gloves. I didn't want to catch any germs from Belzer's clothes. It took only a few minutes to toss the stuff into different
machines, soap them up, and get them rolling.

Belzer stood in the doorway, shaking his head and muttering to himself. He couldn't believe that Bernie B. was working for
him
.

But I had no choice. I had to get him cleaned up.
No way
he could be Most Outstanding Fourth Grader with bugs crawling up and down his sleeves.

Time dragged by. I tried to get a poker game going. But there were only two other kids in the laundry room—third graders—and I'd already won all their money.

The washers stopped spinning. I pulled the clean clothes out and stuffed them into dryers. This was a piece of cake.

I tried to picture a
clean
Belzer. But even I don't have that good an imagination!

“Hey, Bernie,” Belzer called, glancing all around. “Where's all my underwear?”

“Take it easy, Belzer,” I said. “It's in that little dryer over there.” I pointed.

“That's not a dryer!” Belzer cried. “It's a microwave oven. For snacks while you wait for your laundry.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, guess what? I just microwaved
your underpants. It
has
to be an improvement—right?”

Belzer let out a groan and pulled open the microwave door. Steam poured out. His underpants were soft and stuck together, like a pile of mashed potatoes.

Okay. So no one's perfect.

I saw Wes Updood come in, so I hurried over to say hi. Wes Updood is Sherman Oaks's friend. But that doesn't stop him from being the coolest guy at Rotten School.

He's so totally beyond cool, no one ever knows what he's talking about. And, dude, does Wes know style! Tonight he had his baggy jeans on backward. And he wore a black vest over his bare chest, also backward. It took me a while to tell which way he was going!

“What's up, Wes?” I called.

He nodded. “Chocolate cupcakes, man,” he said. “With the cream filling. Heat 'em and eat 'em—know where I'm comin' from?”

“Well…yeah,” I said. “Heat 'em and eat 'em. I know.”

“Montreal, man,” he said. We touched knuckles. “Montreal, all day long! No way?
Way!
”

“Way,” I agreed.

What was he TALKING about??

“It's the new white meat, right?” He giggled. Like that was a funny joke.

Then he started to back up to the door. Or maybe he was going forward. I couldn't tell.

“Montreal, everybody!” he called, waving to me. “Montreal till you drop!”

He vanished out the door. I turned—and let out a shout.

Belzer had his head stuck in a dryer door!

How was that
possible
?

I dove across the room. Grabbed Belzer by the shoulders and started to tug.

But before I could pull him out, who should step up behind us? Five guesses—and they're all Mrs. Heinie.

Her eyes bulged from behind her thick glasses. She pressed her hands to her cheeks. “Bernie—!”
she cried. “What on
earth
is happening here?”

I turned away from Belzer and gave her my best, dimpled grin. “Do you see this, Mrs. Heinie?” I said. “Do you see what this brilliant kid is doing?” I slapped Belzer on the back.

Mrs. Heinie squinted harder.

“Belzer is such an outstanding citizen,” I said. “He's watching the
inside
of the dryer to make sure it doesn't catch fire.”

I wiped a tear from my eye. “What a guy,” I said. “He only cares about the safety of others. Genius!”

Mrs. Heinie frowned at me. “Pull him out,” she said. “The genius has turned blue. He isn't breathing.”

I tugged Belzer out of the dryer. Then I jumped up and down on his chest to get him breathing again.

He picked up his head. His eyes rolled around. “Montreal?” he moaned. He dropped down on the linoleum.

Mrs. Heinie shook her head. “Can the genius stand up?”

“Of course he can,” I said. “But he's inspecting the floor for cracks. That's how much he cares about student safety.”

Mrs. H. let out a groan. She started to leave, but I chased after her.

“I know you're thinking about Belzer for the Heinie Prize,” I said. “And I think you've made a good choice.”

We heard a choking sound. We both watched Belzer cough up a sock.

Mrs. Heinie stomped out, laughing at the top of her lungs. “The Heinie Prize for Belzer?” she cried. And then she laughed even harder.

“I put the idea in her head,” I said. “That's the first step, Belzer. She's thinking about you now.”

“Montreal,” he moaned.

I pulled him to his feet. Then I had a brilliant idea.

“Belzer,” I said, “stay here and wash all your clothes. Everything you own. Don't leave until everything is clean.”

“Everything?” he murmured.

“Everything,” I said. “I'm going to help you, Belzer. You'll see!”

I hurried away to find Flora and Fauna, the Peevish twins.

I hurried to the girls' dorm to find Flora Peevish and her twin sister, Fauna. They hang out a lot with Sherman Oaks, but I didn't care about that tonight. I was desperate.

I found them in their dorm's Commons Room watching Japanese sumo wrestling on TV with a bunch of other girls. The girls were all jumping up and down on the couches, cheering and shouting.

The Peevish twins are kinda cute. They're short and thin and have straight, brown hair, brown eyes, and tiny, turned-up noses that look like elf noses.

They're identical twins and they share their clothes. The only way to tell them apart is to ask them who they are.

One of them gave me a nice greeting: “Beat it. No boys!”

I pointed to the huge dudes in diapers wrestling on TV. “How can you watch those guys?” I asked.

“We think they're cute,” she answered.

“Awesome,” I said. “You know Belzer, right? You think he's cute, too?”

She stuck her finger down her throat and gagged herself.

“Is that a yes or a no?” I asked.

“Ucccck,” her sister said.

One of the fat wrestlers got slammed hard on his back. The girls all clapped and cheered.

I turned to Fauna. “Be honest. What do you think of Belzer?” I asked.

She groaned. “He's like a piece of something you pull out from between your toes.”

“So, you have a crush on him?” I said.

“Uccccck.”

On TV, the diaper dudes were falling on each
other. The girls cheered and shrieked.

I pulled the Peevish twins into the hall. “Look. I need your help,” I said. “I'm doing a science experiment. For extra credit in Mr. Boring's class.”

“I know what it is,” Flora said. “It's about the plant and insect life that grow on Belzer's body. Right?”

I pinched her cheek. “I can tell you have a crush on him!” I said. “I can see your eyes light up when I mention his name.”

“Sick,” she muttered.

“Ucccck,” Fauna said.

I was winning them over.

“What's the experiment?” Fauna asked. “Why do you need us?”

“I need you to pretend to have
major
crushes on Belzer,” I said.

“I'd rather eat cow plop,” Flora said.

“Sign me up for that,” Fauna said.

I laughed. “Ha-ha-ha. Belzer
loves
girls with a sense of humor!”

“I'm not joking,” Flora said. “Bring me the cow plop. I'll show you.”

“It's just
pretend
,” I said. “Just
pretend
you both
have a crush on him. It's an experiment. To build up his confidence. To see if it'll make him change.”

“No way,” Fauna said, turning up her already-turned-up nose. “Not even pretend.”

“I sat next to Belzer at the movies,” Flora said, “and he picked his nose the entire time.”

“He scratched himself, too,” her sister added. “Flora, did you forget how he kept scratching himself while he picked his nose?”

“Give the guy a break,” I said. “He was nervous sitting with you two. He always gets nervous when he's sitting with the two hottest girls in school.”

“I could hear his stomach growling,” Fauna said. “It sounded like he had a cat trapped in there. He burped up some of his lunch and then he
ate
it.”

“Ucccck,” Flora said.

“Double ucccck,” Fauna said.

“How about if I bribe you?” I asked.

They stared at me. “What's the bribe?”

“Two six-packs of Foamy Root Beer,” I said.

Their eyes lit up. “Two six-packs?” Fauna asked.

I knew they don't drink it. They use it for shampoo because it's so foamy.

“Okay. What do we have to do?” Flora asked.

“Follow me,” I said. “Belzer is in the laundry room. Just go in there and make a big fuss over the guy.”

“How long do we have to flirt with him?” Fauna asked.

“Give him fifteen minutes. Can you do it?” I asked.

“Ten minutes,” Fauna said.

We settled on twelve.

We followed the path across the Great Lawn to the Student Center. A bright half-moon lit up the sky, and a million stars twinkled down on us.

I knew this would help Belzer a lot. Help build his confidence. And I'd make sure to get word to Mrs. Heinie about how popular Belzer was with the girls—because he was so
outstanding
.

The twins followed me through the back door and down the steps to the laundry room. We walked into the bright lights. And gazed at the two rows of washers and dryers.

And then all three of us gasped. Flora and Fauna
opened their mouths—and let out deafening SCREAMS.

Belzer stood there TOTALLY NAKED.

“Belzer? What are you DOING?” I cried.

He shrugged. “Bernie, you told me to wash ALL my clothes!”