The Heaven I Found In Hell (43 page)

"I never knew you were like that, Ri," I said. "I actually thought you were an angel."

"Am I not one?" she asked, battering her eyelashes to annoy me.

Nathan and I, in unison, let out a grunt, and that made Anthony laugh, and Riley feign a look of hurt. Before we could continue our little, insignificant conversation, the sliding doors of our room opened, and in came a server. He asked us what we wanted, and before I could have second thoughts, I ordered pasta, Pesto to be exact. Riley and Anthony ordered two meals, and decided to just share while Nathan, who I knew had a very large appetite beneath his six-pack, ordered his own starter, main course, and dessert which was going to follow after we had eaten our full meals.

"Damn, Nate," I said, looking at him with enlarged eyes. "You're a pig, just like any other guy."

I stuck my tongue out at him, and in return, he circled my neck with his arms to be able to pull my head closer to his body. He gave me a noogie, and continued doing so, as I tried to escape from his powerful arms. In the end, he let go, looking disappointed because I wanted to set myself free from his grip.

"What? So you don't love me anymore?" he asked, teasing.

Riley and Anthony, who were already used to arguments among Nathan and me, just simply smiled at us before they entered their own little world. I only spoke to Nathan, and Riley to Anthony, and it was only when the food arrived did we realize that people were seated across us. Before forking our food, we prayed, set the napkins on our laps, and took small sips from our glasses.

"The food here is great," I said, smiling widely after I had tried my pasta.

"Yes, and it's pretty fattening too," Nathan replied, as he flashed me a mischievous smile.

I immediately gave him a serious look before I told him to keep quiet. He saw my disappointed look, and quickly, he became guilty. He kept asking me what he said wrong, while I continued to look away. The couple in front of us pretended to not mind us, but after a few minutes, they couldn't help it. All three of them were now asking me what Nathan had said wrong. I told them the truth.

"I'm suddenly full," I said, and as emotional as I was, I felt like I was about to cry.

"I was just joking," Nathan said, sounding hurt. "You should've known that."

I tried to look away, but everything was too late. He saw the tear that escaped my eye, as it fell onto my cheeks. Riley and Anthony, scared that they might say something that would sadden me even more, decided to just keep their mouths shut. They looked very concerned for me, but honestly, looks of pity weren't going to make me feel better, losing weight would.

"I knew you were joking," I said in reply. "But that was a topic that's damn important to me."

"I know," he answered, slicing his pizza into squares.

"Then why were you making fun of me?" I asked, but was interrupted.

"He wasn't!"

I turned to Riley, who immediately shut up when I gave her a stern look. I wanted to leave. I knew I was acting like an ass when I shouldn't. None of them knew about my insecurities and that was because I had never told them anything. I suddenly felt bad, but what could I do? I had to eat, had to finish my food, had to pretend everything was alright.

"I'm sorry. It's just because," I said, slightly stuttering. "It's because I'm fat."

I heard Riley gasp, while Nathan, seated beside me, took my hand in his as he continuously rubbed it up-and-down, up-and-down on his lap. I looked down at my half-empty plate, and suddenly, I felt teary-eyed. Not long after, I was crying.

"I don't know what to do. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I'm a mess," I said, degrading myself more with every second passing. "I fucked up."

Nathan took me in his arms, and hugged me. He tried to comfort me, but the hurt was already there. I didn't want to be like this. I was showing my weakness in front of my friends. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I didn't want to depend on anyone, but I knew how hopeless I was. I needed Nathan. I needed friends.

"I'm so sorry guys," I said, hugging Nathan even tighter. "I just don't know how I'm going to deal with modeling anymore. I never had this kind of problem. I was able to control myself before..."

"Eat when you want to eat," my boyfriend told me. "Don't restrict yourself."

I leaned on his shoulder, and tried to finish the last of my Pesto. After at least fifteen minutes, I was finally stuffed, but still a little sad. Everyone around me now knew how weak I was. I wasn't just a supermodel anymore. I was one with a disorder. Gayer now, since I apparently said my thoughts out loud.

"Alex!" Nathan said in a slightly loud voice. "Don't think like that."

I looked up at him, and slowly raised my eyebrow.

"Huh?"

"You're freaking me out," he admitted and now, he looked really worried.

I didn't know if I was just fantasizing or what, but my boyfriend looked like he was about to cry. I didn't expect this night to go like this. I wanted a fun day with my friends, but it was I who didn't let that happen. Now, I felt even worse.

"I am?" I asked, sounding very clueless at the moment.

"Alex, if you're joking, it's definitely not funny anymore," he answered, loosening his grip on me. "Stop it."

"We're already done, but we plan on getting a couple slices of cake," Riley answered, looking at me with eyes full of curiosity.

I wanted to be alone with her, and I needed to tell her everything since I was starting to feel bad for leaving her in the dark. I knew she was surprised that I was hiding so much, and I didn't want her to think that I didn't trust her. I did, but not about my fears.

"I'll wait," I said in a voice that was barely heard. "I'm really full."

"No, you're not."

"I am, Nath."

He let out a sigh, his breath tickling the side of my face nearest to his, and after doing so, he let go of me, and finished the last of his food. He would look at me from time to time, and I noticed he looked at my waist more often than my face. With that, I knew what he was thinking, feeling, and wondering, and I realized how much disappointment I was causing him. I suddenly wanted everything, tonight to be better, and so, I leaned closer to him, whispering into his ear.

"I'm so sorry Nathan. I didn't want this to happen."

He turned to me, kissed my forehead, and comforted me in return.

"I know. Just remember I'm always here."

I nodded.

"I love you too much, Alex."

Today was the day before the Winter Formal, and the buzz about it was like wildfire going around school. Almost everyone had dates, and a little few were going to it stag, but I couldn't miss the opportunity of a fun night, a fun dance. I wanted my first Formal to be better than my first ever dance. I didn't want any fights, arguments, teasing ones excluded of course, or any kind of action that would make me sad. I wanted to have fun with my friends, and with my boyfriend, but before that could happen, I needed something to wear, and it resulted in Kendra, Riley, Cindy, and me to go to a shopping center to look for the funkiest designer gowns.

The mall was crowded, and from time to time we'd pass by a few of our school mates, but I doubted they were here to go dress-shopping. I was talking to some of my other friends about the dance yesterday, and almost all of them had bought their things already. The four of us had gone through the racks of Bebe, Banana Republic, Gucci, and Armani, and were now making our way to BCBG. We entered the shop, and went our separate ways. I headed over to the more colorful section of the store, and squealed in excitement when I came face to face with a zebra-print gown. It was very 'showy,' but I immediately loved it. I took the dress off the rack before I headed over to the changing rooms. I entered one stall, and after, stripped off. After a few minutes, I stepped out, and squeals escaped my friends' mouths. They look excited, simply admiring the black and white gown I was wearing.

"You better get that. Like seriously," Cindy said, as she walked around me, observing every inch of the cloth that covered my body. "It's so pretty!"

"Ditto," came Kendra's agreement.

I twirled around again and again, as I continuously looked at the full-length mirror in front of me. I loved the dress. For real. But did it look too informal?

"I don't know," I said, my voice full uncertainty. "It's not something you'd wear to a formal."

"And how would you know?" Riley asked mischievous smile included. "You've never been to one."

The comment may have sounded blunt and hurtful, but I took it is a compliment, a casual thing. I was dying to go buy and pay for the dress, but I also wanted to look pretty and not out of place when the night came. I, lacking self-control as always, followed my instincts and immediately paid for the dress. It was expensive, but it wasn't like I cared about the cost. I earned my own money, and I didn't need to depend on my parents, though they're a big help.

"Where else do you guys want to go?" I asked the three when I had gotten my bag.

We left the store, and deciding on our next move, we stood outside it, thinking of where else we could lead our feet to. After a few minutes of feet tapping and eyebrows furrowing, Riley said she wanted to go to Versace, and so we did. What greeted us was a big poster of me displayed on the front window of the shop, but that wasn't the reason why their jaws dropped. It was because I was posing with this male model, in a beach background, topless. My breasts were pressed against his bare chest. He had each of his hands on each side of my waists while mine ran a hand through his hair decorated with a little bit of sand. The picture was in black and white. It was humongous. But most of all, what would Nathan say?

"You go topless?" Riley asked, her face expressing her extremely shocked state.

She looked at me in incredulity, and all I could do was shrug my shoulders. I raised one of my eyebrows up at her before I gave her, "It's not my first time, really."

Riley looked at Kendra and Cindy who didn't look alarmed at all, and asked them why they had such placid faces.

"She's a supermodel," was Cindy's very simple answer. "Isn't that what they do?"

"Why are you acting so paranoid anyway?" Kendra asked my best friend, as they looked at each other with questioning faces.

We were now inside Versace, but none of us separated from the group since it'd be rude if any of us did. I waited for someone to speak up, but when neither of them did, I said, "Is there something Ri?"

"Yeah," she answered almost immediately. "What will my brother say?"

"Nathan doesn't need to know about this," came Cindy's reply, and for once, I was agreeing more with Cindy than with my best friend.

"I'm done."

I stared at her retreating figure, and felt that my jaw was going to drop any minute. I looked at her surprised and slightly annoyed with her sudden mood swing, but it wasn't like she saw how confused I was. He back faced us, her form thinning with every step she took farther away from us. When she was completely gone from our sight, silence fell upon us, and it was as if today's shopping spree had gone down the drain. We didn't feel as energetic as we did only a second ago. We were all questioning our actions and Riley's sudden interrogation. My topless picture floated inside my brain. What would Nathan say?