The Heart of Memory (33 page)

She plated the food and ate as she tried to envision their future.
Was
there a future for them? The life they’d been living — more business partners than lovers—was not appealing. She didn’t want that life back. And now that she knew who Shaun really was, she wasn’t so sure she wanted him, anyway. If he did what he needed to do, showed he was willing to change—maybe she’d concede to giving it another try. But would they ever be able to go back to how they had been before A&A had transformed them from lovers to coworkers?

The longer she pondered, the clearer things became, and after she finished eating she made a stop at Shaun’s office before calling Tabitha about her idea.

“Just to put your mind at ease — I don’t want a divorce.”

The fact that he looked so shocked broke her heart. “You don’t? Why not?”

“I don’t think it’s what God would want.”

The look intensified. “You actually care what God wants?”

“Well, not exactly—but I don’t want to make any decisions I might regret. And I think I would regret that.”

He smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

She smiled back. “Yeah. Me too.”

J
ESSIE TOOK A BITE OF
her apple and keyed in the URL of the
Colorado Springs Gazette’s
website, then clicked on their job listings. She couldn’t handle the bookstore for much longer, not with all the comments she heard from customers when they saw Savannah’s books on the shelves. The other staff hadn’t been too bad, though Torrie had been standoffish for the last week or so. Jessie tried not to care, but it wasn’t working. She needed a change.

She still hadn’t seen her mother since coming home from Angie’s house. She’d run into her father, to whom she had refused to talk before locking herself in her bedroom and falling asleep. She’d woken just an hour later, but the nap had done her good. She hadn’t been ready to take on all the questions of her future, but she had felt ready to take a small step. The job search felt doable.

A knock, then a call of “Jessie?” broke her concentration. Her mother. The walls went up once again around her heart. “Come in.”

Savannah’s face held a look of cautiousness, of apprehension. Not expressions she was used to seeing on her mother. “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” she said, sounding truly concerned that Jessie may have been in the middle of something important. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. That alright?”

“Um—yeah, sure.”

Savannah sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry about last night. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Thanks for letting us know you were alright; we were getting worried.”

Jessie felt a twinge of guilt. “Yeah … I’m sorry I ran out like that.”

“That’s alright; you needed your space.”

Jessie smiled a bit at the echo of Gayle’s words. “Yeah, I did.”

Savannah pulled the ends of her sweater over her hands as her demeanor seemed to shift to one of almost nervousness. “Listen, I wanted to propose something. It—it might sound sort of weird, but just hear me out, okay?”

“Okay.” She was curious despite herself.

“Okay, so … I told you about the Refuge, and Tabitha and Aniyah, and all that … they’ve really helped me, and Tabitha has a really amazing program there. I know we haven’t talked a ton about everything that’s happened lately, or about the things your dad did, so for all I know you’re handling things really well. But, even though you’re an incredibly strong and smart young woman, I know you’ve been hit with a lot of big stuff lately, and I thought it might be helpful for you — if you wanted to, that is — to come to The Refuge with me for a while.”

Jessie hadn’t known what to expect, but this wouldn’t have even been on the list. “What? Seriously?”

“You wouldn’t have to go to the sessions if you didn’t want to— if it just didn’t seem like something that was going to be helpful, no one would make you participate. So, if nothing else, it would be a vacation, and heaven knows you need one.”

She had to smile at that. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

“No expectations, no pressure — just an opportunity to commiserate with some people who can relate to what you’re going through, in their own way, and who might be able to give you some insights. And I promise you’ll have your privacy. I won’t go to the sessions that you go to, so you don’t feel like you have to censor yourself. Heck, we don’t even have to talk while we’re there; you’ll have your own room and everything. I talked it over with Tabitha and she’s totally fine with it all.”

Jessie slowly tilted her chair back, thinking. “Wow. That’s … that’s quite an offer.”

“You don’t have to answer right now, either.” Savannah stood, her hands popping out of the sleeves. “Let me know what you decide. And like I said, no pressure.” She gave Jessie a quick hug, then left her to her thoughts.

Jessie watched the door close, feeling like she was in a dream. Had her mother really just apologized, affirmed Jessie’s fragile emotional state, and then actually managed to offer help without making it sound condescending? If that was the result of her time at The Refuge, then that alone was a reason to go.

But even if it wasn’t, she had to admit the opportunity sounded amazing. The vacation aspect alone was enough to make her want to pack her bags. But to be able to finally dump all her frustrations and anger and grief over the events of the last few years and get some help in sorting through and dealing with it—it was almost too good to be true.

So what do you think?
She stared at the computer and took another bite of her apple. A warmth grew in her heart as she imagined the place her mother had told her about the night before. She finished her apple, closed out the classifieds, and picked up her cell phone and dialed. “Hey Torrie, it’s Jess. Look, I’m really sorry to spring this on you, but it looks like I’m going to have to resign. I can probably give you another week, but then I’m … well, I’m going away for a while.”

She couldn’t help the smile that stretched across her face.

T
HE HOUSE WAS SILENT, BUT
for the first time in months, the silence didn’t weigh on Shaun like a suffocating blanket. With his secrets spilled, he could breathe more easily, stand up a little straighter, even though the future was a gaping hole of uncertainty. All that was left now was to apologize.

He wasn’t so naïve as to think that would then be the end of it. He knew serious consequences still lay ahead of him. But the hopelessness that had clawed at his soul and driven him to consider suicide was gone, and even the worst-case scenarios didn’t scare him as much as they once had. It was hard to believe he’d been that desperate. He thanked God for the hundredth time for saving him from himself.

Before him on the desk laid a list of names. Each of the A&A staff was there, as were Nick and Pastor John. He picked up his pen and hesitated a moment before adding Carlie to the end. His eyes narrowed as he put down the pen, but he didn’t scratch her name out like he wanted to. He knew in his heart Savannah was right.

He turned to his computer and began to type. He knew he ought to apologize to everyone face-to-face, and he still planned to do that, but not without some assistance. He outlined what his apology would cover, then began to write the script which would keep him from babbling and trying to defend himself. This wasn’t a way for him to justify his actions, as much as he wanted to. This was a way to try to mend the bridges he’d burned the day he’d locked the door on A&A’s office for the last time.

Rough draft complete, he stood to distance himself from the fallout of his pride and took a moment to wander the small space of his office. Soon he’d need to start paring down to the essentials, sacrificing the tokens of success that lined his bookshelves and walls for the sake of his family. They’d put the house on the market next month and sell what possessions they could to knock down some of the medical debt that still hung over them. It felt good to have a plan, even if the plan meant giving up so many of the things that had fed his sense of self-worth and security—or required him to place himself at the feet of those he had wronged and ask for their forgiveness. That part of the plan hurt. But with God’s help — and only because of God’s help—he’d do it.

A sudden throb in his head made him wince. He looked at the clock and groaned. More time had passed than he had realized. He took one last look at the computer screen, replaced a vague statement of wrongdoing with a flat-out, unadorned, stark admission of guilt, then shut down the machine and went to bed.

S
HAUN,
J
ESSIE, AND
S
AVANNAH SPENT
the next few days packing up their most prized possessions and stashing the boxes in the garage. They filled their cars with whatever didn’t make the cut and brought the donations to the Springs Rescue Mission. Shaun made an appointment with a Realtor to have the house listed as soon as possible. Then, three days after Thanksgiving, Savannah and Jessie boarded a plane for Georgia.

Jessie stared out the window at the vast stretches of farmland that filled her view out the plane’s window. “I can’t believe I’m finally flying somewhere.”

“Someday we’ll make sure to fly over the Rockies. There’s a view for you.”

“I can’t believe you did this all the time.”

Savannah chuckled. “Me neither.”

She began to flip through her magazine, though her mind was elsewhere. The next few months would bring chaos and uncertainty as the house hopefully sold and they tried to determine where to settle down. She wasn’t tied to Colorado, and Jessie had confided that she was happy to be getting out as well. Shaun hadn’t spoken much on the subject. He didn’t think it appropriate to express an opinion since it was his fault they didn’t have much choice. She had tried to reassure him that selling their home of twenty years and moving on to new things was an exciting adventure, but he hadn’t bought it. Surely once their debts were paid off he’d be in a better frame of mind.

When they arrived at The Refuge, Jessie’s first words were, “Oh wow, look at the orchard.”

Savannah slowed as they neared the house, giving Jessie a longer look. “It’s a great place to go for a good think. Just don’t run through there. Lots of rocks and holes for your foot to catch.”

Jessie grinned. “Do you speak from experience?”

“Sadly, yes.”

She pulled the rental car to the back of the building, parking it alongside the passenger van. “I volunteered you as manual labor to Tabitha in exchange for room and board. You’ll be painting the garage.”

Jessie laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“Okay, maybe not. She did say plenty of things needed to be done, so you could either help me in the kitchen or tackle her To Do list.”

“I don’t have your cooking skills.”

“I’m sure if you really tried—” Savannah stopped herself as Jessie’s face clouded. “I mean, if you were interested, I’m sure you’d do great. I’d love to teach you what I know. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay, too.”

Jessie raised an eyebrow, looking wary. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes.”

Jessie nodded. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

They brought their bags into the house. The doors to the group therapy room were closed, a meeting likely in session. “Wait here,” she said. “I’ll see if I can find Tabitha.”

She went to Tabitha’s office, but she wasn’t there. An envelope with her name on it sat in the middle of the empty desk, however.

Welcome back! You and Jessie are in rooms 3 and 5. I’m off campus until 3, but will come find you when I’m back. I have a proposition for you.

Tabs

Savannah folded the letter and put it in her pocket. A proposition? That sounded intriguing.

She led Jessie upstairs, then took possession of her old room. She unpacked, then went to Jessie’s room to see if she needed anything. She’d put her things away already and was sitting at the window seat with a ball of green yarn and a few inches of a project hanging off the end of a red crochet hook. Savannah gaped. “You crochet? Since when?”

Jessie looked sheepish. “Adam’s mom taught me.”

Savannah took a breath. “Ah.” Then she smiled. “Will you teach me?”

Jessie grinned. “Seriously?”

“I’ve never tried anything like that. But I’d like to learn.”

“I thought you hated doing crafty stuff like this.”

“Well, yes, I did. I think because that kind of thing was always foisted on me by my mother, as though I couldn’t possibly be a proper woman if I didn’t know how to make things by hand. But I’ll bet it’s relaxing.”

“When I don’t forget how to do a stitch, yes.”

Savannah nodded. “Yes, I definitely want to try.”