The Healing (2 page)

“You mustn’t say such things. Your kinner need you now more than ever.”

Samuel lowered his gaze to the porch floor. “They needed their
mamm
, and I can’t take care of them without her.”

“You don’t have to, Samuel. God will see you through this. With the help of your family and friends, you’ll make it.”

Samuel rose to his feet, trying hard not to let the fear and loneliness he felt at the very core of his soul overtake him. “I can’t talk about this right now. I need to be alone.” Taking the porch steps two at a time, he hurried into the yard. He was halfway to the barn when his older brother, Norman, stepped up to him. “Are you okay, Samuel?”

“How can I be okay when Elsie’s gone?” Just saying those words were hard enough, making him wish it was all just a horrible dream.

Norman’s brown eyes became glassy as he put his hand on Samuel’s shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You have to accept her death as God’s will. It’s the only way you’ll get through this.”

Samuel’s face heated, despite the chilly air. “What would you know about it? Your
fraa’s
not dead!” He shrugged Norman’s hand away and stormed across the yard. It was easy for Norman to say such words when he’d never experienced the pain of losing his wife. Yet Samuel knew that his brother meant well, and if the tables were turned, he’d probably have tried to offer comfort to him in much the same way.

As Samuel moved on, he heard his brothers Jake and Titus, who stood outside the barn, talking about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.

“I wish I could stay and join you for the holiday,” Titus said, “but we have a lot of orders that need to be filled in the woodshop before Christmas, so Suzanne, Allen, and I will have to head back to Kentucky tomorrow morning.”

“It’s good you could come for the funeral,” Jake said. “I’m sure it made it easier for Samuel to have his whole family here.”

My whole family’s not here. Elsie was my family, and she’s not here
. Samuel’s fingers clenched as he hurried his steps. When he entered the barn moments later, he was greeted by the soft nicker of the horses in their stalls. He dropped to a seat on a bale of straw and stared vacantly at Elsie’s horse, Dolly, standing in one of the stalls, her head hanging over the gate. Did the mare know Elsie was gone? Did she miss her, too? He’d have to sell the horse now. If he kept the mare, he’d think of Elsie and be reminded that she would never hitch Dolly to the buggy again. Every waking hour, his thoughts were like a roller coaster, reflecting back over the ten years they’d been married. He wasn’t ready to let go—he wanted to think about nothing but the memories they’d made together. But then his thinking would jump ahead, trying to imagine his life without Elsie. It was too much, too hard to grasp. For the last three days, he’d been falling into a fitful sleep at night, and finally, when he succumbed to exhaustion, it would be dawn. Mornings, he found, were the worst: his mind came to full alert, yet he still felt fatigued when he forced himself out of bed. He’d pace the floor, a million questions swimming in his head, wondering,
Where do I go from here? Will I always feel this restless and unsure?

Halting his thoughts, Samuel noticed several pieces of hay falling through cracks in the loft above and was reminded of all the chores he had to catch up on. His pitchfork lay on the floor, where he’d dropped it the day he’d heard his children’s screams that their mamm had fallen down the stairs.

A cat sprang down from the loft, and Samuel jumped. Purring softly, it rubbed its side against Samuel’s legs. Elsie loved their cats, and they knew it. “Here, kitty, kitty” was all she had to yell, and the critters would come running, knowing their bowls had been filled. To Samuel, they were just plain old barn cats, good for only one thing—to keep the mice down. Elsie, though, loved all the farm animals and had a special way with them.

The barn door squeaked open and then clicked shut. Samuel looked up and saw Titus step inside. “I saw you come in here,” Titus said. “I wanted to talk to you alone and thought this might be a good time.”

“What’d you want to say?” Samuel asked. Truly, he just wanted to sit by himself for a spell, without interruption, but he didn’t want to be rude—especially when his brother had come all the way from Kentucky to attend Elsie’s funeral.

Titus took a seat on the bale of straw next to Samuel. “I’m real sorry about Elsie. It was a shock to hear that she’d died, and I know you and the kinner are really going to miss her.” His dark brown eyes looked as sorrowful as the somber expression on his face.

Samuel, not trusting his voice, could only nod.

They sat for several minutes in silence until Titus spoke again. “If you ever feel the need for a change, I want you to know that you’d be welcome in Kentucky. I’d be pleased to have you stay with me for as long as you want.”

“Me moving from here won’t bring Elsie back.” Samuel knew he sounded bitter, but he couldn’t help it.

“ ’Course not, but it would give you a new start. Maybe that’s what you need.” Titus leaned closer to Samuel. “Moving to Kentucky helped my wounded heart to heal after Phoebe and I broke up.”

Samuel shrugged. “I’ll give it some thought, but right now I just need to be alone.” He couldn’t imagine how moving to Kentucky could help his broken heart. Besides, his situation wasn’t anything like Titus’s.

“Okay, I’ll head back to the house now, but remember, brother, I love you.” Titus gave Samuel’s arm a light tap and slipped quietly from the barn.

Dolly whinnied, and Samuel’s vision blurred from the tears burning his eyes.
Oh, Elsie, I’ll never love anyone but you. Sweet Elsie, I’ll always miss you
. He lowered his head into his hands and let the tears flow freely.

Pembroke, Kentucky

As Esther Beiler stood beside her mother at the counter near the front of their store, she sensed that something was wrong. Mom had been acting kind of strange all morning, as though a heavy burden lay on her heart. Esther had been tempted to ask what was wrong but figured if Mom wanted to talk about it, she would. Besides, they’d been busy with customers all morning.

“How long does Dad plan to be in Hopkinsville today?” Esther asked as she reached for a tablet and pen to start a list of supplies they needed for the store.

“Just long enough to run a few errands.” Mom’s dark brown eyes looked lifeless, as though she hadn’t been getting enough sleep, and Esther couldn’t help but notice the dark circles beneath her eyes.

The bell above the front door jingled, and Verna Yoder entered the store. “Brr …” she said, stepping up to the counter. “It’s downright cold out there today. Bet it won’t be long until we see some snow.”

“I hope not.” Mom shook her head. “I’m just not ready for
windere
yet.”

“Well, like it or not, Dinah, winter’s on the way. I can feel it in my bones.” Verna rubbed her hands briskly over her arms, hidden beneath her black woolen shawl.

“Have you heard anything from Suzanne since she and Titus left for Pennsylvania?” Esther asked, curious to know when her best friend might be coming home.

Verna gave a nod. “She called when they first got there, and then I discovered another message from her this afternoon.”

“How are things going for Samuel and his family?” Mom asked.

“Not so well,” Verna replied. “Suzanne said Samuel’s taking his wife’s death pretty hard, which of course is to be expected. The poor man didn’t even want to talk to most of the folks who’d come to the house after Elsie’s funeral. Suzanne said Titus was going to suggest that Samuel and his kinner move here.”

“What? After just losing his fraa?” Mom clicked her tongue noisily. “I’m surprised Titus would even suggest such a thing.”

“I’m sure he meant well,” Esther was quick to say. “He probably thought it would be good for Samuel to get a new start—go someplace where there aren’t so many painful memories.” Esther didn’t know why she felt the need to defend Titus. It wasn’t like he was her boyfriend or anything. The short time they’d courted after Titus had first moved to Kentucky hadn’t amounted to anything more than friendship. Now he planned to marry Suzanne, which made Esther happy, because she knew Suzanne and Titus were very much in love and seemed well-suited for each other.

“I think it might be good for Titus’s brother to move to Kentucky,” Verna said. “Look how well Titus has done here. Everyone can see how happy he and my daughter are when they’re together.”

“You do have a point,” Mom said. “Guess we’ll just have to see whether Samuel accepts Titus’s invitation, and if he does, only time will tell how well it will go.”

Verna smiled. “Well, I’d best get what I came here for.” She turned and headed down the aisle where the cleaning supplies were kept.

Sometime later after Verna had left the store, Mom turned to Esther and said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What is it?” Esther questioned.

“I spoke with Dan’s wife this morning.” Deep wrinkles formed across Mom’s forehead. “Dan and Sarah have put off telling us for as long as they could, but she admitted to me that your brother’s been having some health problems lately, and after numerous tests, they’ve learned that the reason for his unusual symptoms is because he has multiple sclerosis.”

Esther gasped. “That’s
baremlich
!”

“I agree. In some cases it can be a terrible thing, and from what I understand, the symptoms are often quite different for most people. Because Dan is so fatigued and suffering from such a loss of balance, he won’t be able to keep his stands going at the two farmer’s markets in Lancaster County.” Mom drew in a quick breath. “So after talking with your
daed
about this, we’ve decided to sell the store and move to Strasburg so we can help out.”

Esther’s mouth dropped open. “After all these years of living here, you’re moving back to Pennsylvania?”

Mom nodded. “Dan and Sarah need our help, and since we’ve had experience running our store, we ought to be able to handle the stands Dan has at Green Dragon and Root’s Farmer’s Market. Being in Pennsylvania will also put us closer to your brother James and his family, since their home in Lykens is only a few hours from Dan’s.”

Esther leaned heavily against the counter, feeling the need for support. It was bad enough that her older brother was ill, but if Mom and Dad sold the store and moved back to Pennsylvania, would they expect her to go with them?

A
s Esther began washing the breakfast dishes, she glanced at the calendar on the wall to her right. It didn’t seem possible, but Thanksgiving was over and Christmas was less than a month away.

It will be a difficult Christmas for our family this year,
she thought
. For Dan and Sarah because Dan’s health is failing; for Mom, Dad, and me because we’re all worried about Dan and because giving up the store will be hard for my folks; and for me, too, since I’ll no longer have a job
.

Tears welled in Esther’s eyes and dribbled onto her cheeks. She’d never been one to give in to self-pity, but then she’d never felt so burdened.

A knock on the back door brought Esther’s thoughts to a halt. When she opened it, she was pleased to see her friend Suzanne Yoder.

“Brr … It’s sure cold this morning,” Suzanne said as she stepped into the house and removed her black outer bonnet.

“I think winter’s on its way.” Esther led the way to the warm and cozy kitchen.

“Maybe we’ll have a white Christmas.” Suzanne’s blue eyes twinkled, and a wisp of her pretty auburn hair peeked out from under her white head covering. It was in sharp contrast to Esther’s dark hair.

Esther handed Suzanne a cup of tea. “Maybe this will warm you up.”

“
Danki
.” Suzanne set the cup on the table, removed her black woolen shawl, and took a seat. “I haven’t talked to you for a while. How are things going?”

“Not so well. Mom talked to my sister-in-law Sarah last week, and we learned that Dan has MS. Due to his loss of balance and extreme fatigue, he’s not able to work like he did before, so my folks are planning to move to Strasburg to help out.”

Suzanne’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry to hear that—sorry about Dan, and sorry to hear that you’ll be moving.”

Esther shook her head. “I’m not going with them.”

“They’re leaving you to run the store by yourself?”

“No, they’re selling it to Aaron and Nettie Martin, the Mennonite couple who moved here last month. I’ll be staying here at the house, but I’ll have to find some other job to support myself.”

“Are your folks okay with that? I would think they’d want you to move with them.”

“They do want that, but when I explained that I want to stay here with my friends in the place I love, they finally agreed.” Esther sighed. “Now I just need to find a job.”

Suzanne took a sip of tea. “Maybe Ethan Zook will marry you, and then you won’t have to worry about finding a job.”

Esther’s eyebrows shot up. “Ethan Zook? Why would you think he’d be interested in marrying me?”

“You’re a good cook, and he likes to eat, so—”

Esther held up her hand. “I’m not the least bit interested in Ethan, and I doubt he sees me as anything more than a friend.”