The Healers Apprentice (31 page)

Today was also Rose’s birthday. Frau Geruscha gave her a new pair of gloves and had the cook bake her an apple cake. Her father came to wish her a joyful day before heading out to his work in the forest.

“Thank you, Father.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and he smiled.

A pang went through her at her father’s attempt to act as though everything was normal between them. She should have already gone to him and thanked him for taking her in, should tell him she appreciated him, and that he was a good father. But she hesitated and the opportunity was gone.

In the afternoon someone knocked at Frau Geruscha’s door. Rose opened it to find Duke Wilhelm standing before her.

“Good afternoon, Rose.”

She recovered her composure, curtsied, and stepped back to let him enter. “Your Grace.”

Duke Wilhelm winced, then gave her his one-sided grin. “How are you, Rose?”

“I am well.” Rose tried not to betray her nervousness, but she seemed to have lost all grace herself as she jerked the door closed and fidgeted with the beads hanging from her waist. She wasn’t sure why she felt so breathless. He was the same man, except for the fact that he was now the duke.

She finally remembered the appropriate words for the situation. “I want you to know how grieved I am about your father’s death. May God rest his soul.” Rose solemnly bowed and crossed herself.

“Thank you. Will you sit with me?” He swept his hand toward the wooden bench against the wall.

Rose sat and Duke Wilhelm took the space beside her. He looked away then brought his gaze back to her face. He shook his head and said softly, “You’re so beautiful.”

Rose felt turned to stone. What did he mean? How could he say such an improper thing?

“Good afternoon, Your Grace.”

Rose jumped. Frau Geruscha appeared from the storage room and smiled warmly at Duke Wilhelm.

Good. She didn’t hear him.

“Good afternoon, Frau Geruscha.” He stood and nodded to her but did not move away from Rose, even though his nearness to her should have drawn a frown at least from Frau Geruscha. Surely she wasn’t afraid of offending “the duke.”

“Let me say that I’m so sorry about your father,” Frau Geruscha said. “Is your mother well?”

“Yes, I thank you, as well as can be expected.”

She motioned with her hand. “Rose will take your cloak for you.”

Rose jumped up so quickly she bumped the bench and almost knocked it over. Duke Wilhelm unfastened his wool cloak and swept it off his shoulders, revealing a purple doublet over matching hose. His sleeves were white with intricate gold embroidery—clothes fit for a duke. He let Rose take his cloak and hang it on a peg on the wall.

“Well, I have a lot of work to do upstairs. I’ll be back down in half an hour.”

Rose stared after Frau Geruscha. What work could she have to do upstairs? And why was she leaving Rose alone with Duke Wilhelm, announcing to them that they had a full half hour of privacy? The woman was clearly going daft.

She turned to Duke Wilhelm. Remembering his last words to her, she blushed, trying to think why he would say such a thing.

“I need to speak with you, Rose. Will you sit with me?” he asked again.

Alarm welled up inside her. Could he mean to make some horrific proposal similar to Lord Rupert’s? Rose swallowed, trying to control her rising panic. But what choice did she have but to sit and listen? No one ever refused the duke anything. So she sat back down, clasping her hands together until her knuckles turned white.

He sat beside her and leaned forward, his forehead creasing as though in concentration. Then he clenched his fist on his knee and stood up, pacing the room. Even Wolfie lifted his head and stared with one ear cocked.

What was the matter with him? She opened her mouth to break the silence but he spoke first.

“Rose, do you remember when you took care of my leg, when I was gored by the wild boar?” He came closer then sat down again beside her.

“Yes, of course.”

“Well, I must confess to you that ever since that day…I’ve been struggling…with myself.” He suddenly stood again and strode across the floor, his hands clasped behind his back.

Rose hardly dared to breathe as she waited to hear what he would say next.

He glanced at her from the other side of the room then paced some more. “You’ve always talked to me as if I were a real human
being and not the son of a duke. You’re genuine, gentle, and good.” He stopped and stared out the window. “I tried not to think about you. I even told God I would never touch you again after the ball when we danced together.” He turned his head to look at her. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to watch over you and protect you. I hated to think about you with Rupert, but I thought at least he would take care of you. But now—” He crossed the floor and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his.

Rose’s spine stiffened in surprise. Her heart raced at the fervor in his eyes.

“I love you, Rose, and I’ve figured out a way for us to be wed.”

Strange inklings of dread mingled with a surge of hope. She stared at him, wondering if she was dreaming again. She’d dreamed about marrying him so many times.

“In three weeks my betrothed is coming here, to the castle. But Rose, I can’t marry her. I tried to believe that I could love her, and I’m sure I could have had I not met you. But knowing you, Rose, loving you as I do, I can’t possibly marry someone else. So I came up with a plan.” He took a deep breath, still clutching her hands between his. “I will abdicate all my rights as the eldest son to Rupert, and he will marry Lady Salomea. We will switch places as it were, and I will inherit his manor and he will be ruler of Hagenheim.”

Rose took in his eager, expectant look, which softened to one of heart-rending tenderness. He bowed over her hands and began kissing her fingers, one by one.

“No.” Rose shook her head slowly.

Duke Wilhelm stopped. He raised his head and stared, waiting, looking painfully patient.

“We can’t.” Rose’s chest felt hollow, her heart dead and still. Her shoulders became almost too heavy to hold up. She shook her head again. “You can’t.”

His eyes grew big. “Everyone will say I’m insane, but I don’t care, Rose. Is it insane to marry the girl I love? A girl with golden brown hair, with gifts of beauty and goodness and storytelling?”

“No.” She shook her head again. “I can’t let you do it.” Unable to bear the betrayed look in his eyes, she looked away. “You would regret it…regret me.” Pain welled up inside her as she listened to her own words.
Please don’t hate me.

“No, Rose, no.” He sounded angry.

“You are the responsible one. Your brother is not half the leader you are. You know that. You would begin to realize you had made a mistake, and you would resent me.” She met his gaze. “I couldn’t bear that.”

“I could never resent you.”

Rose spoke softly. “One day you will be glad you took your rightful place and married Lady Salomea to protect your people. Duty is important to you, as it should be, and God will bless you for your sacrifices.”

“Rose, please.” He bowed his head and squeezed her hands.

O God
,
help me.
The pain twisted inside her like a knife. Her heart was wrenched from her chest. Was Lord Hamlin hurting like this?
I don’t want to hurt him.
But it would hurt him more, in the grand scheme of his life, if she accepted his proposal now.

He slowly raised his head and looked into her eyes. “Do you love me, Rose?”

Rose squeezed her eyes shut against the raw hope in his gaze. “Please don’t ask me that.”

“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away.”

She bit her lip. “I can’t.”

He pulled on her hands, as though to make her open her eyes and look at him again. “Tell me the truth, then. Say you love me.”

She couldn’t lie to him, staring into his beautiful dark eyes, but it wasn’t right to tell him she loved him when he was going to marry someone else.

“Can you truthfully say you don’t love me?” He squeezed her hands so hard it hurt. “Rose! Answer me.”

She choked back a sob. “All right. I love you. I never loved Rupert. Only, always you.”

He smiled, his eyes brightening. He bowed his head again, pressing his lips against her knuckles.

Her heart leapt, coming alive again at the tender touch of his lips. “But I can’t let you give up your birthright for me.” The words ached in her throat as she said them, and tears slipped down her face. “It would be wrong.”

He lifted his head. “What’s so wrong about it?” His brows lowered. “Rose, listen to me. Trust me. Our love will make everything right.”

The pleading tone in his voice intensified the ache in her heart. “You love honor. You need respect and a sense of pride in fulfilling your
duty toward your people. If you gave that up for me…I want you to fulfill your duty and be happy.”

“Can’t you let me be the judge of what I love and need—of what will make me happy?” He reached up with one hand and gently wiped the tears from her cheeks.

His tender touch broke her heart. She could let him convince her, accept what he was saying and ignore what her head was telling her. She would fall into a haven of bliss if she only let herself tell him
Yes.
He would hold her and kiss her and smile. She could make him happy.

She looked down and tried to ignore the way he was looking at her, the feel of his fingers on her cheek.
O God
,
help me. Help me.

She thought of her mother, the pain her resentment and lack of love had caused her. All her life Rose had longed for someone to love her, striven to earn her mother’s approval. What had it gained her besides pain and disappointment? No, she couldn’t let her desire for Wilhelm’s love cause her—and him—so much pain.

“Your resentment would hurt me too much.” She stared down at him, kneeling in front of her. How would it feel to run her fingers through his dark hair? Would it be soft or coarse? Would he gaze at her with passion in his eyes? Would he kiss her? She would not find out.

She forced herself to continue. “If God wants us to be together, then he will make a way for us. I don’t want to go against his will, not again. I tried to force my will on God once, thinking I knew what was best for me. But it seems to be God’s will that you marry your betrothed. If we try to force something else to happen, God will not bless it. Even now God has the power to change our future, and if your marriage to Lady Salomea is not to be, then God will prevent it.”

Duke Wilhelm bowed his head. He was still and silent for a long time. What was he thinking? Her chest felt hollow and empty. How she wanted to comfort him. Why didn’t he speak?

Finally, his grip on her hands loosened. He released her and stood up, avoiding her eyes. “I’ll try to stop loving you, Rose, but I’ll always be your friend…if you should ever need me.”

“It’s better if I go away.” Rose whispered the words then wished she had kept the information to herself.

“Go? Go where?”

“I know not.” She shook her head and decided not to tell him her plan to go with the Meistersingers. He might try to stop her. And it
wasn’t a lie. If she went with them, she didn’t know where she would be going.

“Please don’t go, not because of me. Stay here with Frau Geruscha. Please.”

Tears stung Rose’s eyes again. She wanted to beg him to understand what a failure she was at her work with Frau Geruscha. She had to leave. And her leaving would spare him pain. He could learn to love his new wife without her around. But she saw the tears glistening in his eyes and stopped herself.

He leaned over her. “I vow I will never do anything again to…Only please don’t go.”

Rose clasped her hands and stared into his eyes, loving him, drinking in his love for her, for the last time.

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me. Farewell, Rose. God be with you.” He strode to the door and retrieved his cloak. He walked out without looking back.

The pain in her chest was so intense, she wondered if she was dying. She bent over, pressing her hands to her throat, which ached from holding back tears. She could still feel his lips on her fingers.

He loves me.
A castoff foundling raised by a woodcutter.
He was willing to give up everything for me
,
and what did I tell him? No.

She sank to her knees on the floor. “O God, what have I done? I’ve broken my heart and his too. I’m so unsure now.”

Maybe she should run after him. Surely their love would be enough. How did she know he would resent her? That was just her fear making her think that. Wilhelm was too good a person to resent her. He loved her. Hadn’t he proved it, being willing to give up his title and responsibilities to his brother?

She could catch up to him before he got far. She would throw her arms around him and wipe that half-angry, pained expression off his face with a kiss. She would tell him she’d changed her mind. That she loved him too much to give him up, that she’d always wanted his love, that she couldn’t live without it. His eyes would light up with joy and he’d sweep her into his arms.

“God, help me. Don’t make me give him up. I need him.” She began to sob, the stone floor digging into her knees. Her chest throbbed with pain.

She couldn’t give him up, not after everything he was willing to give up for her. She needed his love. And he needed her too. What if
his betrothed was a cruel, heartless woman who wouldn’t love him and who’d treat him badly?

“O God, I want him. Please don’t take him away from me.”

Maybe God wanted her to go after him, find him, and tell him she’d made a mistake, but no. The thought gave her a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She had done the right thing. She had released him to do his duty, the thing that would bring him honor and peace of mind.

She rested her forehead against the cold stone floor. “O God, did I do the right thing?”

Yes.

Rose couldn’t exactly say she’d
heard
the word, but it was there, in her mind. Had she imagined it? Was it from God? She remembered someone in the Bible asking for a sign.