The Haunting Within (2 page)

3

Debbie stood watching her two small children as they sat on the floor of the hall-way in their modest terrace house pulling on their shoes, Aiden taking longer than Lisa who had mastered the art of tying shoe laces long ago, and she felt a stab of guilt like a knife through her heart. They were so young and innocent.

Please don’t let him treat my babies the way he did me
she prayed silently to a God she wasn’t even sure if she believed in as she looked at her precious children in front of her. She wished with all her heart that she didn’t have to take them with her, but there was no-one to have them while she went on her own. She had no idea where their father was. He left when she was pregnant with Aiden and as far as she knew he was living somewhere in Holland with his new wife of just eighteen. She remembered all too well the morning she arrived home after taking Lisa to nursery to find all of John’s clothes gone and a note on the table weighted down by his wedding ring that simply read ‘Sorry’. She had never heard from him since. It was his friend who had told her where he was and who he was with. The weight of her heavily pregnant bump was nothing compared to the weight of his betrayal. How he could just turn his back on her and his family, she had no idea. Then, in her eyes it always had been easier for men to walk away than women. He didn’t even know he had a son. She gave birth with her friend by her side and, so it seemed, all the burdens of the world on her narrow shoulders. But the first time she gazed into Aiden’s tiny face, her resolve strengthened and she vowed never to let any other man in to her life, and more importantly, the lives of her children.

As she recalled that heart-breaking day she felt the familiar ache in her chest and the sting in her eyes as the flood of fresh tears threatened to flow. She quickly took control again before Lisa and Aiden saw her crying.

She held their coats to her nose, taking in their scent that lingered in traces, deep rooted in the fibres of their coats from the all the times they had worn them. She felt so sad. No, she felt absolutely wretched. It was as though it would be the last time they would ever smell like this again before they went to the house and became tainted with the rancidness of fear and hate. She remembered fondly how, when they were babies she would sneak into their rooms at night and gently lift them from their cots, careful not to disturb the sleeping bundles and then she would stand there with them cradled in her arms smelling their wonderful smells and breathing them in, so deep it seemed as though her lungs would burst, just as her heart threatened to with all the love she felt for them. Debbie knew that for her and for every other mother on earth that was worth her weight in gold that there was no greater smell than that of her own child. From the very first moment she had held both of her children she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would be able to pick them out of a room full of babies while she wore a blind-fold. The smell of a child to the mother is so strong and distinguished that the mother remembers the smell for the rest of her life, at least that’s how Debbie thought of it.

She smiled at the thought of her cherished memories of Lisa and Aiden as babies while she set about helping them into their coats. Watching them step out of the front door into the fresh air with their hair blowing slightly in the breeze was a picture that Debbie would never forget. He could take a lot from her but never her memories.

Once again though, anguish took precedence over anything else as she followed them to the car.

4

As they piled into the car Debbie smiled and tried to keep everything as normal as possible. She hoped that her smile didn’t look as fake as it felt. If the children picked up on it they didn’t let on. Sometimes she had to remind herself that they were still kids because they were wise beyond their years. Lisa was nine going on nineteen according to the way she spoke. She was a proper girl’s girl; everything to do with boys was disgusting and that included her younger brother too, although she adored him still. And as for seven year old Aiden, he was top of his class in everything and Debbie couldn’t have been more proud of either of them. They were both adored by the teachers and children alike in school and the teachers often praised Debbie on how well she has done to bring up two wonderful, polite children. They were both very popular and had many friends. People seemed drawn to them and their easy-going natures.

Aiden’s first day at school was so different to Lisa’s, but then again, so was his personality. Lisa was very shy and quiet. Unlike her little brother, she hated being muddy and dirty. Everyone said she was a proper little lady, and she was. She enjoyed playing with her dollies and having pretend tea parties with them. Debbie would often sit and play tea parties with Lisa and then sit for hours and comb her long blonde hair. When Lisa was a baby she had a comfort blanket, not really a blanket but a rag of blue velvet. She hardly ever went anywhere without her “baba” as she called it. She would sleep with it pressed against her tiny smooth, plump cheek and every once in a while she would rub it along her nose. There was many a night when Debbie had just sat at Lisa bedside and watched her daughter sleeping. Debbie knew there was nothing else on this earth more heart-warming and enjoyable than watching your child sleep. Seeing their faces so peaceful and hearing their faint breathing. It was a memory she would treasure forever.

The recollections of their first day at school came back vividly. She saw in her mind Lisa standing at the front door that morning in her smart new uniform of thick black tights and charcoal grey pinafore with a navy blue cardigan and black shoes. She had looked so pretty with her hair tied in pigtails done with navy ribbons to match her uniform. She had a tissue rolled up and tucked up the sleeve of her cardigan, just in case she needed it. She looked so tiny, too little for school. Debbie wished she didn’t have to take her but of course she had no choice. Lisa smiled up at her mummy with the excitement only a child can possess as they made their way to school. At the door to the classroom she was fine, if a little reluctant. She gripped Debbie’s hand tightly, all the time her eyes roaming around the classroom and the sea of new faces staring at her. Her teacher was a lovely elderly lady who took an instant shine to Lisa. Debbie could sense the nervousness in her little girl but she didn’t see the anguish that was to come when it was time for her to go leave her there. Lisa sobbed and begged her to take her home, to not leave her there, to stay with her, anything as long as it meant she could be with her. Debbie felt so guilty as she said goodbye to her baby who stood looking forlorn holding the teachers hand. She had cried on the way home, not caring that strangers were looking at her. She had cried when she got home, floods of tears wracking her body as her chest heaved from the intensity. She gave in and phoned the school an hour after getting home to see how Lisa was and she was told she was fine and there was nothing to worry about. But still she didn’t stop worrying. She worried and waited, clock watching, until it was time to go and pick up her little girl. The thought of doing it again the next day was almost too much to bear. It took a while but finally Lisa settled into school and the mornings became easier as she became happier and more confident in herself and her new surroundings and the fact that Debbie would always be there to pick her up.

Of course, John was no help to her. No support whatsoever. He didn’t understand, never missed Lisa like she did. For her it was like a constant physical ache in her chest. When she tried explaining that to John he mocked her, said she was exaggerating but she wasn’t. She knew how she felt and it hurt her being away from her baby girl. John just got on with it like nothing was different. She didn’t like thinking of him. He was an unspoken chapter of her life. The tears she shed when he left were for herself and her children. Not for him. Never for him. He was a means to an end as far as she was concerned. She had gotten all she wanted from him. It just galled her that yet another supposedly dependable man in her life was proven to be anything but. Anyway, she wouldn’t let him encroach on the memories of
her
children.                                                        

Aiden on the other hand was completely different. The very first day he almost pulled her to school so eager was he to get there and explore and have an adventure. At the classroom door Debbie held her breath waiting for the onslaught of emotion from her youngest child but it never came. He bounded into the classroom looking back only to shout “See you later mummy” before joining in with a group of children who were playing with a puzzle. With his ease of separation from her came a new emotion. Although relieved she couldn’t help but feel sad that he didn’t mind being away from her. She missed him terribly for the first few weeks. It just wasn’t the same not having him running round the house playing superman and jumping off chairs and getting under her feet constantly.

Aiden enjoyed collecting different types of leaves and sticking them into his scrap book at home. He was always coming home from school or from playing out with his pockets stuffed full with leaves and stones. The amount of times Debbie had to throw his school uniform in the wash and get it dried and ironed before the next day! She was always telling him to be careful not to get dirty, but, as always, he would see something “really great!” in the playground or park and just
have
to fetch it home. He was so inquisitive and energetic. It amazed her that he loved life so much. Children had the ability most adults lacked, and that was to find pleasure in the most simple of things. Since the tender age of two, he had never been able to resist clawing through dirt and touching every pebble in sight because he loved the smoothness of one and the roughness of another. The older he got, the more interested he became in the outside world. He begged Debbie to buy him the weekly magazines about nature and wildlife from the shop and he had built up quite a collection. He wasn’t a greedy child and he would often sacrifice his sweeties on the way home from school just so he could have the latest installment of his beloved magazine. He would take it home and bury his nose in it, taking in all the facts he could find, then he would take it into the garden and look for the spiders it described, or the flowers he had read about. He would be out there for hours at a time just investigating the natural wonders his own back garden had to offer.

The older he got the further his expeditions would take him. Now at the age of seven he was allowed to go to the park just down the road from them but he would rarely go to play on the swings and the slides; he would go to look for strange creatures and new plants he had never seen before. He
had
to touch. She learned very early on in his life to make sure she
always
checked his pockets before washing his clothes. A proper little boy, he would often tear a hole in the knee of his trousers and Debbie would be up late into the night sewing them for him. He hardly ever tore his school clothes though, she now noticed. It was like he knew she wanted him to look presentable for school so he tried his hardest to be careful, not that there weren’t a few accidents though. His fingernails were always dirty with mud and she would have to give him a good scrub every night in the bath before putting him to bed clean and fresh, knowing he wouldn’t stay that way for long. But that was how little boys were supposed to be.

They could not have been more different. Lisa hated getting dirty and if any of her clothes were ruined she would get very upset. She hated when her brother would chase her round the house with a spider or a worm in his hands. But they had such tender moments together which far outweighed the bad.

5

The car was silent as they started their long journey to visit their grandfather. Debbie tried making small talk with the children to break the tension she felt.

After a while Lisa asked the question that had needed to be asked all morning. “Why are we going to see granddad now mummy if we’ve never been before?”

“You must always remember to call him grandfather; never granddad!” said Debbie as they turned from the smooth surfaces of the city roads and on to the harsh, unforgiving tarmac of the motor-way. Speeding over the uneven surface she immediately scalded herself for sounding so harsh. “I’m sorry darling. Mummy didn’t mean to shout at you, it’s just so important that we try our hardest to keep your grandfather happy, okay?” she had to raise her voice to be heard as the tyres raced over the noisy road.

“Okay mummy” they chorused innocently from the back seat.

“We have to go today because your grandmother, my mum has gone to heaven now and we need to be with your grandfather for a little while in case he needs us for anything. You must be very good while we’re there and sit quietly. Only speak when someone speaks to you and always be polite. We shouldn’t be there for too long and on the way home we’ll stop and get ice cream!” she smiled in the mirror at her children with more enthusiasm than she felt.

Silent in the backseat, Lisa contemplated her mother’s words and when she spoke it was with a quiet voice full of sadness “Are you upset your mummy has gone to heaven?”

A little taken aback by this, Debbie chose her words carefully. “Yes sweetheart, I’m very upset, but when you’re grown up there are times when you need to try and not be as sad as you feel”. Seemingly satisfied with this reply Lisa sat back and resumed staring out of the window.             

God she really hated this but not half as much as she hated herself for putting two young and naïve innocents into this awful situation. One thought constantly flitted through Debbie’s mind as she drove them into the nightmare - what kind of mother would put her own children at risk? What kind of mother would take away their childhood innocence - an innocence every child has the right to - just as hers was taken away all those years ago?
             

As hard as she tried she couldn’t muster enough courage to turn back and leave the horrible old man to live and cope alone with his grief - if he had enough heart to grieve at all. He didn’t deserve the company of her children; he didn’t even deserve to lay eyes on them and that was the plan - that he would never see them. Up until now the plan was a success; if only she was strong enough to tell him to go to hell.