The Harder I Fall (6 page)

“Tell me something about you that I don’t know.” I turned to face him.

“I love the show
America’s Funniest Home Videos
. I can’t tell you why, but I always watch it when I can,” he said.

“Really? I don’t think I’ve ever watched that show before.”

“What? Even way back when? I’ve been watching it since I was little.”

“Nope, never. We didn’t have a TV when I was younger, and when I was older, ballet took up all of my time. It’s all that kept me sane.”

“You look alive when you dance. It’s the only time I see you smiling on a regular basis.”

“How often do you watch me dance?” I was curious to hear his answer.

“A lot. I love to watch you move.”

We spent the rest of the night talking and getting to know each other better.

I knew that eventually I would have to tell him about what my dad did, but I didn't want to ruin things before they really started.

“
A
RE YOU SURE YOU WON’T
come home with me for Thanksgiving?” Sadie asked me for the fifth time.

“Yeah, I’m good here. I can dance pretty much nonstop since everyone will be gone. I have a paper due when the break is over, too. I’ll be fine; don’t worry about me.”

“I don’t like you being here alone. It seems depressing.”

“Shut up, it’s not depressing. I like being alone.”

“Fine, but I’m going to call you a lot.” She hugged me tightly.

“You better.”

I helped her carry her stuff out to the cab she insisted on taking instead of having me drive her.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a week then,” she said.

“Bye, have fun!” I waved as she closed the door.

Levi was coming out with his bags as I was walking in. “Hey, I just tried you, but now I know why you didn’t answer.” He dropped his duffel bag and hugged me. “I’m going to miss you while I’m gone.” He kissed my neck.

“I’m going to miss you, too.” I really was, I had gotten so used to him being around.

“I’ll come back as soon as I can, okay?” He tipped my chin up and kissed me.

“Don’t come back early because of me.” I frowned at him.

“I hate you being here alone.”

“Oh gosh, you sound just like Sadie. I’m perfectly fine on my own.”

“I know you are, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. For a moment, I forgot that we were in full view of anyone who happened to walk by. I ran my hands along his back and let him consume me with the fire of his kiss.

Someone behind us cleared their throat and he broke the kiss. “Sorry to interrupt, but we should get going if we want to beat the traffic.” Julian looked apologetic.

“We were just saying goodbye.” I kissed Levi once more and stepped away from him. “Drive safe, okay?”

“Yeah, we will. I’ll call you tonight.”

I walked back inside to my empty dorm room. Layla and Mel had left earlier, and I found myself missing all of them. I had gotten so used to having them with me. They had brought me back to life; I was no longer the ghost I was before.

My ballet bag was sitting by the door. I changed into my leotard and tights and headed out to rehearse. When I got to the studio, I found Caroline doing pirouettes across the floor. It wasn’t part of the routine for the show, but it was beautiful. She had such beautiful lines and a grace I would never achieve.

“That was great,” I said brightly as I dropped my bag on the floor.

“Thanks.” She smiled shyly.

“What’s that from?”

“It’s not from anything. I’m just messing around.”

“It was really beautiful.” I tied on my pointe shoes. “Want to rehearse a bit together?” I asked.

“I would love that.”

We had developed a great routine practicing together. She would watch my solos and tell me what looked off about them, and I would watch hers and do the same. And then we would dance together.

“Are you going home for Thanksgiving?” she asked me after we had finished.

“No, I’m staying here. I don’t feel like driving all the way home. What about you?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m going to leave right after this. I just wanted to get some practice in before I left.”

“You shouldn't be embarrassed about your dancing,” I told her. “You have real talent.”

She blushed. “Yeah?”

“For sure. What I saw before we started was amazing.”

“Thanks. That really means a lot.”

We said our goodbyes at the door, and I expected to enjoy a quiet evening of studying and bad reality TV. Sadie had gotten me into watching all sorts of terrible shows. So I was more than surprised to find Levi sitting at my door reading a book when I got back.

“Um, aren’t you supposed to be halfway to New York by now?” I asked.

“Yeah, I should be, but I’m not. I sent Julian on by himself, called my parents and said there was a change of plans, and here I am, waiting for you.”

I pulled him to his feet and let us both inside. “Make yourself comfortable. I need to get a shower, but I’ll be out soon.” I walked straight back to my room and he plopped down on the couch to read some more.

A whole week of just me and Levi; this should be interesting.

I came out a little while later and he was right where I’d left him. “You look comfy.” I sank down on the couch next to him. He set his book aside and pulled me down on top of him. “There, now I’m comfy.”

I took charge this time and brought my mouth down to his, kissing him and sucking in his lower lip, nipping with my teeth. His hands stroked over my back, pulling me closer to him. The tips of his fingers brushed along the edge of my shirt, nudging the fabric up a bit. My mind was racing, in between enjoying what was happening. I was worried about what he expected to happen, and if I was ready for that or not.

“Levi, wait.” I pulled back and sat up. “I’m not exactly experienced here.”

“Please don't overthink this, Becca. I’m not trying to get into your pants right now. I just want to kiss you.”

“You say that now, but how long are you going to be okay with just kissing?” I looked down at my hands, hating this conversation and wishing I had never started it.

“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’m going to expect sex from you just because we’re dating?” he asked.

“Well, kind of, yeah.”

He laughed. “Seriously, I’m not looking for that right now. Sex complicates things. I would never pressure you into something you weren’t ready for. I’m not even sure I’m ready for it at this point.”

“Are all guys like you?” I asked.

“No, most guys have the opposite point of view. It’s not to say that I don’t want to have sex with you, because I really do. But I can wait.”

“When I said inexperienced, that was an understatement. You were my first kiss; I had never even held a boy’s hand before this.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

“It’s true. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or really even wanted one. You’ve changed so much in me in the short time we’ve known each other.”

“I don’t care about the past, I only want to know you now.”

There are things about me that you don’t know.”

“Right, there are things about me you don’t know either. It’s half the fun of being in a relationship with someone. Finding out all of the little things that make you who you are.”

I shook my head, “this isn’t about the foods I dislike, or my favorite boyband.”

“Try me, do I look like I scare easily?”

I took a deep breath and told him all about my drunk mom, and what happened with my dad, and how I had basically raised my younger brother because our mom was always passed out or on the way to it.

“Wow, I don’t really know what to say,” he said when I was done. “That is a really shitty way to grow up. I’m so sorry you had to witness something like that.” He hugged me.

I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders; now that he knew everything, I was really free. Levi kissed me again, and this time I didn’t pull away. I let myself go and I melted into him.

L
EVI AND
I
SPENT
T
HANKSGIVING
in my dorm room, eating fast food and watching movies on Netflix. I couldn’t remember a better day in my life.

“Hey, your phone’s buzzing.” Levi tossed it to me. I frowned when I saw who it was.

“Hi, Mom.” I turned away from him.

“Rebecca, I’m really sad you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving.”

“Don’t start.”

“Chad really misses you.” The mention of his name was a dagger in my heart. The one part of home that I would always miss.

“I miss him, too, but it didn’t make sense for me to drive all the way home for a week.”

“Will you at least be home for Christmas?” I could hear the ice clinking in her drink and the slight slur in her words.

“I’ll think about it. Can I talk to Chad?” I just wanted this conversation to end.

“He’s not here.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know; he said he was going out or to someone’s house or something.”

I could feel my blood begin to boil; this is exactly what I had been afraid would happen when I left. She could never be bothered to keep track of us, or make sure we were eating or had clothes to wear. “Do you even care that he’s not home with you today? Most moms would want to spend the holiday with their children.”

“Hey, don't get that sass mouth with me, Rebecca. I called you, didn’t I?”

“I don’t have time for you or your excuses today. Tell Chad to call me when he gets home.” I hung up before she could respond. I was so sick of her crap, and my heart hurt knowing that Chad had no one today. The guilt I had been running from all along settled in on my shoulders like a lead coat, weighing me down.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until Levi sat next to me and handed me a tissue. “Is everything okay?”

“No.”

“What can I do to help?” He enveloped me in his arms.

“Nothing, I just feel so guilty. Chad has no one today. My mom is already drunk and it’s not even noon over there. She doesn't even know where he is; she just said he went out. I should never have left.”

“Don’t say that. You have to live your life, too. And if Chad is half as smart as you, he’s probably spending the day with his friends rather than your mom.”

Levi didn’t understand what it was like for us. We didn’t have many friends. Chad at least had one or two good friends, but for the most part, we stuck close to each other. There are some people who are not meant to be parents, and my mom was one of them. She’d never cared for us; when Frannie died, I never saw her cry once, except when they were arresting my dad. She was more upset about losing him than her daughter.

“I can’t think about her any more today. She has taken up too much of my heart and soul for too long. She won’t ever be who I need her to be, and even if she could change, it’s far too late now to repair the damage she’s done.”

Levi nodded, but he looked like he had something else to say.

“Go on, then.” I motioned for him to say it.

“No, I just feel bad that you’re so upset.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just, no, it’s nothing.” He turned his attention back to the television, ending whatever conversation was about to start. I spent the rest of the day trying not to think about Chad, and trying not to wonder about what Levi had been about to say.

I was woken up late that night by Chad’s call. My neck hurt from sleeping on the couch, Levi was still out on the couch opposite me.

“Becca? Did I wake you?” he asked.

“Chad? It’s late; what are you doing up?” I was relieved to hear his voice.

“Um, here’s the thing. I sort of got arrested, but Mom won't bail me out.”

I sat up and looked at the clock; it was 3:00 am where I was, so it was midnight back home.

“You’re what?” I shouted into the phone.

“Hey, calm down. Please, can you just bail me out?”

“How am I supposed to do that, Chad? I’m across the country; it’s not like I can just hop in the car.”

“I don’t know, Becs, but please figure it out. Mom says even if she had the money she won't help. She says I get what I deserve.”

My heart was breaking, listening to my fifteen-year-old brother sound so scared and dejected. “Where are you?” I scrubbed my hand over my face.

Levi watched me from where he lay on the couch as I frantically scribbled information down on a piece of scrap paper.

“Hang in there, okay? I’m going to see what I can do from my end. I can’t promise anything. I don’t even know what your bail is or what needs to happen.”

“Thanks, Becs. I’m so sorry.”

“I know you're sorry. What did you do?”

He sighed. “I got busted with drugs.”

“Drugs? Since when have you been mixed up with drugs? I haven't been gone for that long.”

“I don’t need a lecture right now. I feel bad enough.”

“Look, I love you, okay? I’m not going to lecture you now, but you can bet your ass you’ll get one later.”