The Happiness Trap (7 page)

Keep in mind that the defusion techniques we’ve covered so far are like those inflatable armbands young children use in swimming pools: once you can swim, you don’t need them anymore. The idea is that later on, as you incorporate the other ideas within this book, you can defuse your thoughts without giving them too much attention; you can be thoroughly engaged in your work, a conversation, or any other meaningful activity, and when an unhelpful thought pops into your head you can instantly see it for what it is, and let it come and go without it distracting you.

This will be much clearer after the next chapter, in which we explore an immensely powerful aspect of human consciousness, a resource within us that has been so overlooked by western society that there isn’t even a common word for it in the English language.

But don’t turn the page straightaway. Why not wait a few days before reading on, and in the meantime practise your defusion skills? And if your mind says, ‘It’s all too hard; I can’t be bothered’, simply thank it.

Have you ever noticed some strange or disturbing thought pop into your head and wondered, ‘Where did that come from?’ Have you ever been chided for not paying attention and said, ‘Sorry, I was somewhere else’? Do you ever suddenly realise that your mind has ‘wandered’?

If we look more closely at these expressions, we can see that they point to something rather curious. Where
did
that thought come from? And where
did
it go? And if you were ‘somewhere else’, then where were you? And how did you get back from there?

ACT answers these questions by teaching you to recognise two different parts of yourself: the ‘thinking self’ and the ‘observing self’. The thinking self is the part of you that thinks, plans, judges, compares, creates, imagines, visualises, analyses, remembers, day dreams and fantasises. A more common name for it is ‘the mind’. Popular psychological approaches such as positive thinking, cognitive therapy, creative visualisation, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming all focus on controlling the way your thinking self operates. This is all great in theory and it appeals to our commonsense, but as we have seen, the thinking self is just not that easy to control. (Again, it’s not that we have
no
control—after all, throughout this book we look at many ways to think more effectively—it’s just that we have much less control than the ‘experts’ would have us believe.)

The observing self is fundamentally different from the thinking self. The observing self doesn’t think; it is the part of you that is responsible for focus, attention and awareness. While it can observe or pay attention to your thoughts, it can’t produce them. Whereas the thinking self thinks about your experience, the observing self
registers
your experience directly.

For example, if you are playing baseball, cricket or tennis and you are truly focused, then all your attention is riveted on that ball coming towards you. This is your observing self at work. You are not
thinking
about the ball; you are
observing
it.

Now, suppose thoughts start popping into your head like, ‘I hope my grip is correct’, ‘I’d better make this a good hit’ or ‘Wow, that ball is moving fast!’ That is your thinking self at work. And of course, such thoughts can often be distracting. If your observing self pays too much attention to those thoughts, then it is no longer focused on the ball, and your performance will be impaired. (How often have you been focused on a task, only to be distracted by a thought such as, ‘I hope I don’t screw this up!’?)

Or suppose you’re watching a magnificent sunset. There are moments when all you are doing is looking at it. Your mind is quiet; there are no thoughts running through your head, you’re simply registering the many colours of the spectacle before you. This is your observing self at work: observing, not thinking.

Then your thinking self kicks in: ‘Wow, look at all those colours! This reminds me of that sunset we saw on holiday last year. I wish I had my camera. It’s so beautiful; this looks like something out of a movie.’ The more attention your observing self pays to the running commentary of the thinking self, the more you lose direct contact with that sunset.

Although we all understand words such as ‘awareness’, ‘focus’ and ‘attention’, most of us in the western world have little or no concept of the observing self. As a result, there is no common word for it in the English language. We only have the word ‘mind’, which is generally used to denote both the thinking self and the observing self, without distinguishing between the two. To reduce confusion, whenever I use the word ‘mind’ in this book, I am referring only to the thinking self. When I use terms like ‘attention’, ‘awareness’, ‘observing’, ‘noticing’ and ‘direct experience’, I’m referring to various aspects of the observing self. As this book progresses, you will learn how to tune in and use this amazingly potent part of you. Let’s begin right now with a simple exercise.

Close your eyes for one minute and simply notice what your mind does. Stay on the lookout for any thoughts or images, as if you were a wildlife photographer waiting for an exotic animal to emerge from the undergrowth. If no thoughts or images appear, keep watching; sooner or later they will show themselves—I guarantee it. Notice where those thoughts or images seem to be located: in front of you, above you, behind you, to one side of you, or within you? Once you’ve done this for a minute, open your eyes again.

That’s all there is to it. So read through these instructions once again; then put down the book and give it a go.

What you experienced were two distinct processes going on. First there was the process of thinking—in other words, some thoughts or images appeared. Then there was the process of observing; that is, you were able to notice or observe those thoughts and images. It’s important to experience the distinction between thinking and observing, because as the book goes on, we’ll be using each process in different ways. So just try the above exercise once more. Close your eyes for about a minute, notice what thoughts or images appear, and notice where they seem to be located.

Hopefully, this little exercise gave you a sense of distance between you and your thoughts: thoughts and images appeared, then disappeared again, and you were able to notice them come and go. Another way of putting this is that your thinking self produced some thoughts, and your observing self observed them.

Our thinking self is a bit like a radio, constantly playing in the background. Most of the time it’s the
Radio Doom and Gloom Show,
broadcasting negative stories 24 hours a day. It reminds us of bad things from the past, it warns us of bad things to come in the future and it gives us regular updates on everything that’s wrong with us. Once in a while it broadcasts something useful or cheerful, but not too often. So if we’re constantly tuned in to this radio, listening to it intently and, worse, believing everything we hear, then we have a sure-fire recipe for stress and misery.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to switch off this radio. Even Zen masters are unable to achieve such a feat. Sometimes the radio will stop of its own accord for a few seconds (or even—very rarely—for a few minutes). But we just don’t have the power to make it stop (unless we short-circuit it with drugs, alcohol or brain surgery). In fact, generally speaking, the more we try to make this radio stop, the louder it plays.

But there is an alternative approach. Have you ever had a radio playing in the background, but you were so intent on what you were doing that you didn’t really listen to it? You could hear the radio playing, but you weren’t paying attention to it. In practising defusion skills, we are ultimately aiming to do precisely that with our thoughts. Once we know that thoughts are just bits of language, we can treat them like background noise—we can let them come and go without focusing on them and without being bothered by them. This is best exemplified by the Thanking Your Mind technique (see Chapter 5): an unpleasant thought appears, but instead of focusing on it, you simply acknowledge its presence, thank your mind, and return your attention to what you’re doing.

So here’s what we’re aiming for with all these defusion skills:

This is very different from approaches such as positive thinking, which are like airing a second radio show,
Radio Happy and Cheerful,
alongside
Radio Doom and Gloom,
in the hope of drowning it out. It’s pretty hard to stay focused on what you’re doing when you have two radios playing different tunes in the background.

Notice, too, that letting the radio play on without giving it much attention is very different from actively trying to ignore it. Have you ever heard a radio playing and tried not to listen to it? What happened? The more you tried
not
to hear it, the more it bothered you, right?

The ability to let thoughts come and go in the background while you keep your attention on what you are doing is very useful. Suppose you’re in a social situation and your mind is saying, ‘I’m so boring! I have nothing to say. I wish I could go home!’ It’s hard to have a good conversation if you’re giving all your attention to those thoughts. Similarly, suppose you’re learning to drive and your thinking self is saying, ‘I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I’m going to crash!’ It’s hard to drive well if your observing self is focused on those thoughts rather than on the road. The following technique will teach you how to let your thoughts ‘pass on by’ while you keep your attention on what you’re doing.

Take ten deep breaths, as slowly as possible. (You may prefer to do this with your eyes closed.) Now focus on the rise and fall of your rib cage, and the air moving in and out of your lungs. Notice the sensations as the air flows in: your chest rising, your shoulders lifting, your lungs expanding. Notice what you feel as the air flows out: your chest falling, your shoulders dropping, the breath leaving your nostrils. Focus on completely emptying your lungs. Push out every last bit of air, feeling your lungs deflate, and pause for a moment before breathing in again. As you breathe in, notice how your tummy gently pushes outward.

Now let any thoughts and images come and go in the background, as if they were cars passing by outside your house. When a new thought or image appears, briefly acknowledge its presence, as if you were nodding at a passing motorist. As you do this, keep your attention on the breath, following the air, as it flows in and out of your lungs. You may find it helpful to silently say to yourself, ‘Thinking’, whenever a thought or image appears. Many people find this helps them to acknowledge and let go of the thought. Give it a go and if it’s helpful, keep doing it.

From time to time a thought will capture your attention; it will ‘hook you’ and ‘carry you away’, so that you lose track of the exercise. The moment you realise you’ve been hooked, take a second to notice what distracted you; then gently ‘unhook’ yourself and refocus on your breathing.

Now read through the instructions once more, then put the book down and give this a go.

How did you go? Most people get hooked up and carried away by their thoughts several times during that exercise. This is how thoughts typically affect us: they reel us in, pulling our attention away from what we’re doing. (So although we may say that our mind wanders, this is not accurate. In reality, it’s our attention that wanders.)

By regularly practising this technique, you will learn three important skills:

When practising this technique, notice the distinction between your thinking self and your observing self. (The observing self focuses on the breath, while the thinking self chatters away in the background.) Notice also that this is an acceptance strategy, not a control strategy. We aren’t trying to change, avoid or get rid of unwanted thoughts; we’re simply allowing them to be there, to come and go as they please.

Fortunately, this is an easy technique to practise, because you can do it anytime, anywhere. Therefore aim to practise this exercise throughout the day while you’re stuck at traffic lights, waiting in line at a store, while you’re on hold on the telephone, waiting for someone to get ready, during television commercial breaks, when you’re having your morning tea or coffee, and in bed last thing at night or before you get up. Basically, try it anytime you have a moment to spare. (If you don’t have time for the full ten breaths, even three or four can be useful.) In particular, try it anytime you realise that you’re all caught up in your thoughts.

Remember when you’re doing this technique, it doesn’t matter how many times you get hooked. Each time you notice it and unhook yourself, you’re getting more proficient at a valuable skill.

When doing this technique, let go of any expectations; simply notice what effect it has when you do it. Many people find it quite relaxing, but please don’t regard it as a relaxation technique. When relaxation occurs, remember, it’s merely a beneficial byproduct, not the main aim. (Obviously, enjoy it when it does occur, but don’t come to expect it, or sooner or later you’re bound to be disappointed.)

I’ve designed the above brief exercises for busy people who say they ‘don’t have enough time in the day’ to do formal defusion practice. However, ‘not enough time’ is just another story. So here’s a challenge for you: if you really want to get good at this, then as well as doing all those brief exercises, put aside five minutes twice a day to practise focusing on your breath. For example, you may do five minutes first thing in the morning and five minutes during your lunchbreak. During these times, keep your attention totally on your breath, while letting your thoughts come and go in the background; and each time you notice your attention has wandered, gently bring it back. Also, if you haven’t already tried it, then try silently saying to yourself, ‘Thinking’, whenever a thought or image appears. Some people find this very helpful as a way of acknowledging the thinking process without getting caught up in it. (However, if you don’t find it helpful, then don’t bother with it.)

Defusion skills are essential for escaping the happiness trap. If you can see your thoughts for what they are—just words—and let them come and go without focusing on them, then you can put your time and energy into more important things, such as taking action to create the life you want. Your mind will never stop telling you unpleasant stories (at least, not for long)—that’s just what minds do. So let’s be realistic. The fact is, you will get hooked up and reeled in by these stories again and again.