The Guide to Getting It On (2 page)

Ignorance remains this book’s archenemy; the desire to know more about sex, its friend.

Paul Joannides, Psy.D.

Technology

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Cover Graphic Consultant : Rose Reed/Newport Lazerquick

Copy Editing : David Hoffert

eBook Conversion Guru : Ron Bilodeau

Occasional Typographical Issues

We are one of America’s smallest presses producing one of the world’s biggest and best books on sex. Every resource we have is spent on keeping this book as up-to-date as possible and helping it to evolve as technology and culture evolve. Unfortunately, this creates an environment where typos can thrive. Hard as we try to catch them, some get by. For this we apologize.

If you find a typo and would like to tell us about it, please use the contact form at
www.Guide2Getting.com
. Be sure to include the page number. People who do this are often surprised when they hear from the author. It’s our way of saying thanks.

CHAPTER

1

Goofy Foot Philosophy of Sex

E
ach of the lovers you have in life will want something different from you. Some will want you to touch them between their legs, others will want you to touch their soul. This book tries to help you with both. It encourages you to explore dimensions of sexuality that people usually aren’t told about—from the emotional part of getting naked together to why a guy who takes his penis too seriously might have trouble pleasing his sweetheart. It covers subjects like hand jobs and heart throbs, kisses above and below the waist, friendship, and sex in alternative relationships.

But more important than anything you’ll ever read about sex is our Goofy Foot Philosophy:

It doesn’t matter what you’ve got in your pants if there is nothing in your brain to connect it to.

Do With It What You Want

Since this is a book about sex, it makes sense to begin with a definition of what sex is. But trying to define sex is like trying to insert a diaphragm: just when you think you’ve got it in, the thing turns ninja on you. Here are a few things to consider if you are trying to define
sex:

• People think of intercourse as the ultimate sex act, the real thing–
  ipsum fuctum.
  But if intercourse is the ultimate act, then why can making out or holding hands be sweeter and more meaningful at times?
  
• Almost all sex acts can be painful, obnoxious, or boring if you aren’t doing them with someone who turns you on. Does this mean that the mental part of sex is more important than the physical part?
  
• Why does one couple find a particular sex act to be highly erotic while another couple finds the same act to be disgusting?
  
• A person has sex and an orgasm with a partner of many years, but the sex doesn’t feel particularly exciting. The next afternoon he or she nearly bursts with feelings of excitement after catching the brief but intense gaze of a sexy stranger. How can a brief glance from a stranger take your breath away more than sex with a long-term lover?
  
• You are getting a physical exam. You are naked and your genitals are being touched. Neither you nor the examiner is aware of any sexual excitement. However, if you were naked and being touched in this way after a romantic night out, it might be incredibly sexual. How much do we rely on the context of a situation to tell us what’s sexual and what isn’t?
  
• How can a song, car, or piece of clothing be sexy?
  

Needless to say, we have given up on trying to pin a tail of definition on the big donkey of sex. It seems that any definition of sex needs to fit who you are as an individual as well as what your particular situation is. Instead of pretending to know what that might be, consider this:

Learning about sex and intimacy is a lifelong adventure. Even with years of experience, we still blow it on occasion. The best we can do in the pages that follow is to tell you what we wish we had known about sex many years ago. Do with it what you want.

Morality & What’s in Your Pants

In much of America we still try to equate morality with whether you keep your pants on. We also associate morality with religion. But the truth is, there are Christians, atheists, Jews, and Muslims who are moral people and there are Christians, atheists, Jews, and Muslims who are immoral people. The same is true for people who are sexually active and for those who aren’t. Morality, from this Guide’s perspective, is respecting and caring for your fellow human beings. It has little to do with the way you enjoy your sexuality, unless what you do breaks a special trust or violates the rights of others.

Hmmm. A Book on Sex

Consider the books on sex that were written between 1830 and today. Some of these books gave a girl a psychiatric diagnosis if she masturbated or wanted to be on top, while the theories about male sexuality could be contradictory and bizarre. Today’s sex books make all sorts of claims as well. Yet the writers of these books consider themselves to be paragons of reason and truth. So, please keep two things in mind: that books on sex don’t often pass the test of time and this is a book on sex.

While there are plenty of sexual traditions, there are no Ten Commandments of Sex. Sex books are merely a reflection of the time and culture that spawn them. Sexual fashion will change many times between now and when you are a resident of the old folks’ home.

Birth Control and Beyond

This book talks about everything from scruffy sex rodents to things you can do to make a rubber feel right. Hopefully, this will help you avoid things like unwanted pregnancies and an early funeral. In the meantime, it might be helpful to remember that just about anything in this world that’s worth doing will kill you if you’re stupid about it. Having sex can be far less risky than driving on the freeway or even driving across town. It just depends on how smart you are about sex and how badly you drive.

How It Fits In

Back when your mother was in school, she couldn’t sneak a phone between her legs during a lecture, snap a picture of her pre-mom crotch, and send it to one of your potential fathers with CU2NITE, Wet4U or IWSN.

Although today’s technology is more interesting than ever before, the reasons why people have sex are pretty much the same. Love and infatuation still top the list, but satisfying basic human passions and having fun are also frequent motivators. People also have sex to make babies, to make money, or to help them feel more desirable and less lonely.

Sex with the same person can mean different things at different times. Early in a relationship, it might excite you and rev you up; later it might be a source of comfort and calm. In most relationships, there will be times when the sex is boring or when it makes you feel more distant than close.

For those of you who are younger, people sometimes refer to matters of the ‘tween and teen heart as puppy love and treat them with disrespect. That’s silly. The most powerful feelings in life are often puppy love. Cherish them. As for having sex with your puppy love, far be it from this Guide to say yes or no. It might be wonderful but, then again, it might not. Just be aware that there’s usually more to a good carnal experience than the hydraulics of sticking hard into wet. For some people, what separates good sex from bad are intangibles like fun, friendship, love, and caring.

As you get older, your expectations about sex may change. If you just turned 17, getting laid in and of itself can be a huge thing. But by the time you turn 34, you’ll have more experience under your belt. By then you might want your sex life to take you some place different than when you were younger. Perhaps you will be searching for different qualities in a partner as well. Hopefully, you will want sex to be special no matter what your age.

A Red Flag — Matters of the Heart

Some sexual relationships are mostly physical. Others are physical and emotional. Keeping it just physical is not an ability that everyone has or wants. But trying to make it emotional when it’s not seldom works either. Sometimes it depends on your situation and where you are in life, other times it’s a matter of chemistry.

The emotions that accompany sexual relationships can be magical, enchanting, and wonderful. Then again they can be really awful. A cherished relationship can fizzle and go flat, leaving you empty or in agony. It can cause you so much heartache that you might wish you were dead. The tears can pour from a place so deep that you’ll wonder if they will ever stop.

Fortunately, lovemaking can also be a way of working through fears and uncertainty, as well as a place for growth, forgiveness, fun, and friendship. If you make it a priority and keep working at it, sex can help you be more present, honest, and alive with yourself and your partner.

No Assumptions Here

Most of us make assumptions about the sex lives and relationships of other people. Consider Tim, a quiet, college-aged computer geek, and Jake, a well-liked 27-year-old shortstop on his company’s baseball team. Tim is bicep-challenged while Jake looks like he just leapt from the pages of
Men’s Health.
Yet Tim-the-geek has a creative and fulfilling sex life with his girlfriend, while Jake-the-hunk lives in fear that someone will discover his sex life consists of watching porn online with his hand between his legs.

This book is just as much for Tim and his girlfriend as it is for Jake. It makes no assumptions other than you are curious about sex and might want to enjoy it even more.

Charts, Graphs and Sex Surveys

There are no charts or graphs in this book. If you are the type who insists on having such things, consider this: how do you graph the value of a loving glance or a heartfelt hug? Yet try to enjoy sex in a relationship without them. Rather than assuming which graph is best for you, this Guide tries to accommodate a full range of sexual tastes and beliefs, be they conservative, eclectic or kinky. Are any of us just one or the other?

This book also avoids the latest in popular surveys, such as one recently done by a large news organization. This study found that the top seven traits women find most important in a male partner are humor, intelligence, honesty, kindness, values, communication skills, and dependability. That sounds fine, until you realize that things like “loves me,” “shares my interests,” “exciting sex partner,” and “acceptable to parents and friends” were not on the list of desirable characteristics that women could check. And while the attractiveness of a partner’s teeth came in 16th out of 23 on this study, do you believe that “attractive teeth” would have been ranked that low if the study had been funded by a company that makes dental products?

Final Beginning Note

Most people would probably agree that sex is best when it’s honest, caring, and fun. The same should be true for books on sex. Hopefully, you will find The Guide’s attempt at explaining love and sex to be honest and true, with a colossal amount of respect for anyone who reads it.