The Green Flash (52 page)

Summit turned over his notes as if he was cooking them on a slow fire.

‘Those as I see them are the facts. In arriving at a verdict I must ask myself one or two questions. It is fully admitted that Sir David stabbed his wife in the throat with his sword. Now, whenever any person does an act which without ordinary precautions is or may be dangerous to human life he is bound to employ reasonable precautions in doing it. If he does not, and if death results from his criminal misconduct in failing to take these ordinary precautions, then he is guilty of manslaughter. Did Sir David so behave?'

Summit had problems clearing his voice. Then he said: ‘Now we have evidence that, irrespective of any good or ill will which existed between the contestants, both wore the fencing masks and protective clothing which are the standard equipment of the Amateur Fencing Association. In the thrust and counter-thrust of such a contest neither good will nor ill will should have made any difference.' He paused and then said in a hurry as if anxious to get away: ‘The fatal blow was struck in a proper manner, and in accordance with the rules of the sport. In my view, no criminal misconduct took place. I record a verdict of Death by Misadventure.'

Shona put out a hand as if to touch me, and then withdrew it.

‘I should add,' said Mr Summit grimly, ‘a rider that fencing safety equipment should be carefully overhauled, and if necessary the protective clothing strengthened. This may be only the second fatal accident to occur in England, in a sport with an excellent safety record, but someone died from a similar accident on the Continent two years ago, and I would like to feel that this tragedy may serve some purpose if it alerts the authorities to the dangers that can exist.'

III

When I left the court I was too punch-drunk to think clearly about anything; but later it occurred to me to remember that I had gone to the inquest intent on saying everything that was on my mind – to come out with it all, so far as that was possible; but then these two men stalking into the witness box and trying to frame me with their exaggerations and distortions had brought out a combative instinct that I guess is not solely the property of awkward types like me. If anything was ever counter-productive I suppose it was the evidence of Messrs Parker and Houseman.

I

It's odd how sounds can make you listen to the silences. And it's odd how many tell-tale sounds there are in a silent flat. Worse than Wester Craig in a thunderstorm. Because here there are no ancestors to curse you or haunt you but only the curses and ghosts you've created for yourself. Some men are only half made; they've got this underlying conviction that nature has slipped up in their manufacture, and because they're like that their only real purpose is breaking whatever their hand touches. I was such a type. The history of my life was a history of disaster. Wherever I'd gone I'd left a trail behind me like a poisonous snail. No one who knew me was the better for knowing me; in fact everyone notably worse. Even Shona you could hardly say had benefited. The firm had certainly prospered, but she had broken with her husband and they had been estranged when he died. She was looking unwell now and rather lost. Not quite the imperious, austere, beautiful, mysterious Russian dame I'd first set my sights on at the Rowtons' cocktail party. The change wasn't all my doing; Father Time had chipped in with a heavy hand; but I wasn't blameless.

Goodbye to the Leases; we'd not had much to say to each other all along; nothing to
be
said. But just at the last minute Mrs Lease murmured: ‘She loved you dearly, David, you know that, I'm sure.' Bit of a stab that, under your guard; you think you've got all your protective clothing on and the sword slips through the gap between the bib and the collar, right into the jugular.

Later a stout elderly chap turned up who said he was Lady Abden's lawyer and told me that Erica had not made a new will since her marriage, so legally it was as if she had died intestate. This meant that I was the main legatee, but – he hurried on – it was unlikely that Miss Lease, Lady Abden, had left a great amount of money of her own, living as she had almost entirely on the very large monthly allowance made her by her father, and living, by all accounts, up to the full limits of that allowance. There would be some money, of course, and the jewellery and personal effects.

‘I want none of it,' I said harshly. ‘Make what arrangements you can, and if you'll see what she wanted done with her money in her will –'

‘The one she made when she was twenty-one –'

‘Whenever. See that it's disposed of in that way. If you need me to sign things, let me know as soon as you can.'

‘Very well, Sir David.' He looked a bit surprised. Had he thought I'd bumped my wife off for the sake of the cash?

I thought off and on about Alison up in her north-west fastnesses but made no attempt to get in contact with her. What was there to say? I asked the exchange to disconnect the number of the Knightsbridge flat. The flotation of Shona Ltd could go ahead without the benefit of my invaluable advice. Most of the time I didn't answer the doorbell, knowing it would only be some weasel-faced reporter, pretending to sympathize but trying to cash in on the fact that I might still have a retrospective and scurrilous news value. I'd pushed several out already.

But inevitably Shona came and inevitably she got me to let her in.

Not a woman given to hesitation in the ordinary way, but hesitant now.

She said: ‘Well, David, it is over.'

‘Over?'

‘Yes. In so far as it can be.'

‘You did your bit, didn't you,' I said harshly.

‘I lied so that the truth would be more evident.'

‘What particular truth is that?'

‘That is was accidental, that it
was
death from misadventure, that you had no intention
whatsoever
of injuring her.'

‘Why are you so sure?'

‘Because I know you too well.'

‘That's the oldest cry in the world, isn't it? ‘‘ I know him, so I know he didn't do it.'' Ask Hitler's mother.'

She came into the room and untied her scarf, drooped it on a chair. ‘Are you telling me that you intended to kill her?'

‘No … Well, I don't
know
… there was a moment of sheer bloody rage when I wouldn't give way.'

‘You have moments of anger – not rage, anger. I have seen them before. How many have you had in your whole life – half a dozen?'

‘Many more than that.'

‘So it could be said, if you wished to argue that way, that two have proved fatal. One when you were a terrified child, one when protective clothing proved faulty. In both cases you were being goaded, had your back to a wall. It is something to be lived with – outgrown.'

‘What's the point?'

‘Because there is so much in you that is too good to lose.'

‘Don't make me cry.'

She shrugged. ‘Why should you not believe it? Because you have got into this mental habit of self-criticism, of self-blame.'

I laughed harshly again. ‘Self-blame? Brother, that'll be the day!'

‘Well, is it not so? Of course it is! You grew up with frozen emotions. In these last years they have become partly thawed out. Circulation is very painful when it returns, even to frozen fingers. As a child I knew it often! How much more so when it is to a whole personality!'

I poured myself a stiff whisky and then put it down untouched. ‘Not long ago you were accusing me of not responding to Erica!'

‘And you did not. But you respond to me!'

‘As I do to Alison,' I said. It was a bitchy remark, but I felt turned inside out, wishing I could vomit my life away.

‘So … May I have a drink?'

‘Why not?'

She busied with bottles and stoppers and syphons.

‘So you will marry her?'

I didn't answer. My voice had gone.

‘The flotation is well under way now, David. We had to go ahead without your participation and advice. The final date for subscribing will be Friday week. If you never enter our House again you will be a rich man.'

‘Thanks.'

‘So there is nothing to stop you entering into your inheritance in Scotland with enough money to maintain it in reasonable style.'

‘Thanks.'

‘And marrying Alison or some other fecund young woman who can give you all the heirs you require.'

‘D'you suppose –' I stopped and she waited – and waited. I knew she wasn't going to let me get away with a half-finished sentence, so in the end I went on. ‘D'you suppose I'm tumbling over myself to perpetuate the Abden line? Drunkards, liars, cheats, killers …?'

‘I think you stand as fair a chance as anyone of producing a normal child. There are drunkards, liars, cheats and killers everywhere. Do not be so conceited for your family: the Abdens do not have a monopoly! I doubt if they even have a higher proportion in your family than anyone else.'

No response to that. She stood erect in the middle of the room, left hand holding the elbow that held her glass. I prowled around the room, a prisoner wanting to get out.

‘You don't look well,' I said. ‘ What's wrong with you?'

‘With me?' She blinked. ‘Nothing. I have had these liver attacks all my life. As you know. In the old days I used to hide away until they were past; I hated people seeing me at less than my best. Now … I don't so much care.'

‘There are plenty of other lovers in the world besides me.'

‘Oh, that I
well
know … But you happen to be the one that matters.'

‘Pity.'

‘Yes,' she agreed. ‘A pity … Of course the firm will go on now without you – without even me, I suspect, though there is then the risk of its being taken over by infidels. For a few years yet I think it is safe.'

I said: ‘It would have been better if you'd not picked me up out of my particular gutter and let the firm run on in the old way, as John always wanted.'

‘Better? Who for? I do not regret it. Why should one fret about past choices? Life is too short for looking back. Besides … what we had together was so
rich
while it lasted. I do not regret having loved you: it gave my life a deeper channel. You cannot say it had no effect upon you!'

‘It went too deep for my petrified emotional life.'

‘If that is a joke then let it stay as a joke … Will you promise me one thing?'

‘What?'

‘Let this tragedy distance itself from you for a few months before you make any rash decision or wanton move. You have always hated yourself. Now you hate yourself more than ever. But it will pass – some of it will pass. I want you to promise to do nothing – irrevocable before you have given yourself time.'

‘Can't promise,' I said. ‘I'll do my best.'

‘Well,' she said after a moment, ‘ keep to that if you can. Perhaps for us this is goodbye.'

I put my hand on her steady shoulder but did not speak. She blinked and shook her head. ‘Now I must learn to live without you. Perhaps the hardest part is already past. Still it is difficult. Still I will try.'

II

Darkest hour before the dawn? It's a load of old rubbish. But the next hour certainly was in competition for the proud title. Couldn't settle, couldn't rest. Couldn't eat or drink.

Oddly enough, suicide – which Shona was hinting her fears of – had never been a front runner. Perhaps the Abdens have some sort of stamina which enables them to endure the various hells they make for themselves. Perhaps it's egoism, if you boil it down to the barest truth. Egoism is a built-in survival kit; without it you're apt to perish and die. With it you just
wish
you were dead.

I thought of a lot of boring old things. What to do from now on? Go to the US for a bit, as I'd thought of doing once before? Try Vienna and look up Trudi Baumgarten? Go and be a navvy somewhere, working on a building site, sweat the evil humours out of my system? Return to Scotland and Alison?

The one thing I disliked most of all was my own company, yet there was no one else's company I could see myself keeping. I lifted the telephone up and found it was still gently purring. In the old days you were cut off even without asking. I rang Derek and suggested we should meet somewhere. He sounded hesitant and a bit startled.

‘Shall I come round?' he said.

‘God, no. Anything to get out of this place. What about the pub we went to once near your flat?'

‘The Lamb and Flag? Yes, if you must.'

‘What d'you mean, if I must?'

‘Well it's – er – it's a trifle noisy, isn't it, dear?'

‘Suggest somewhere else.'

There was a longish pause. ‘No,' he said, ‘that'll do, I suppose. The food is fairish, I remember.'

‘OK. See you at eight.'

I picked up the Ferrari at five, its splendid throttle roar completely restored, parked near the flats until seven thirty and then drove across London to the Lamb and Flag.

Derek was waiting for me at the door of the saloon bar. He looked seedy and shifty, and I wondered why I'd come. No one went more quickly up and down in his circumstances than Derek. When he had money it went through his fingers like sand. I wondered what his love life was at present and hoped I'd not have to hear.

We went in and ordered steaks and talked about Erica. And then I realized why I'd come; it was for just that reason. There was no one else. I couldn't discuss her with Shona in the same way; and with her parents not at all. Derek was my oldest friend; we'd kept in a sort of contact for fifteen years.

I'm usually tight about the mouth, but I suppose it had to open sometime. You don't realize till you start talking that you are just going to go on and on. Often over the same ground, asking myself questions as well as asking him, half answering them before he did. I got near to bringing Alison into it, but just held my tongue on that. Otherwise it was the history of my life for the last twelve months in seven reels with barely a commercial break. I suppose it did me good like nothing else since Erica's death. Now and again the old headshrinker and his couch are useful. Or Aunt Helen's Catholic priest. Or even a tall thin elegant ramshackle pansy with his bookmaker's smile and his sham-innocent faded blue eyes that have become shifty over the years.