The Great Rabbit Revenge Plan (14 page)

All Systems Go!

You could easily take it for a normal breakfast, the Bantelmann breakfast on the following morning. Mum is telling them about her latest idea for improving things around the house, Peter almost knocks his chocolate over, and dad is reading something funny out of the paper. It is not, of course, a normal Bantelmann breakfast, but, astoundingly, no one says a word about the most important thing in the world.

Konrad thinks Dad must have forgotten his promise, but at exactly five minutes to nine he stands up and signals to him.

‘Let's go,' he says. ‘I'll just get the aninal transporter out of the garage. We leave in three minutes.'

Like lightning, Konrad is out and into the hall. Just to be sure, he ties two double knots in his shoelaces. Which is not such a great idea really, because during the course of the day, double-knotted shoelaces get tighter and tighter and start to hurt, and in the evening you can't get them open at all, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Even though it's warm out and doesn't look a bit like rain, Konrad takes his yellow rain jacket with the reflective silver strips off its hook and puts it on. Just in case.

‘Have you got money for the bus?' says Mum.

Bus? What bus? Konrad says nothing, but his face must look like a question mark.

‘How else were you thinking of getting home?' asks Mum.

‘Right,' says Konrad. ‘Right. Bus. Money.'

He nods. He does actually have money. He has two ten euro notes and ten euro coins in a little purse and he's put the purse on a string around his neck. It's under his T-shirt and feels rather cold against his chest. He takes it out and shows it to Mum.

‘Very professional,' says Mum. ‘And do you know our phone number off by heart?'

Konrad says it five times in a row without a mistake.

‘Very well,' says Mum. Then she hunkers down on the floor in front of Konrad and puts her hands on his shoulders. ‘Promise me you won't do anything silly and that you'll be careful.'

‘Yes.' Actually, he's only promising about the being careful part. But Dad has already got the car out, and now is really not the time to be holding a conversation with Mum about not doing anything silly.

Fortunately, Mum accepts his ‘yes'. She gives him a kiss, and then he leaves the house and gets into the car. Unfortunately, he has to sit on one of the awful multicoloured booster seats, because he's still just a kilo too light to sit on a normal seat.

‘Seat belt?' asks Dad.

‘Yes, it's buckled.'

And then they drive slowly through The Dransfeld.

‘Which number exactly?'

‘28b.'

Actually, there was no need to tell him the number, because outside Fridz's house, in the middle of the pavement, is the third attempt at rabbit transportation, which – oh joy! – looks exactly like a normal box. On top of the box is a lamp as big as a coffee machine, which is rotating and giving out a harsh red light. When he sees it, Dad laughs loudly, but then he looks in his rearview mirror and stops laughing.

‘I think we are expected,' he says.

Then he stops at the lit-up box and gets out of the car.

Fridz is standing beside the box. She has plaited her hair, and she's wearing a yellow rucksack on her back.

‘Hi,' she says and puts out her hand. ‘I am Friederike Frenke.'

‘Pleasure,' says Dad. He takes her hand. ‘I am Konrad Bantelmann's father. Is everything ready for the transportation?'

‘Of course,' says Fridz, turning off the rotating lamp. ‘I hope this box won't be too heavy for your vehicle.'

‘I don't think that will be a problem,' says Dad.

And while Fridz is putting the lamp in front of the door of number 28b, he opens the hatchback and lifts the box into the car. There's a rumbling from inside the box.

‘Good heavens!' says Dad. ‘What a weight!'

‘Yes,' says Fridz. ‘It's a so-called prize specimen. Almost ninety-eight kilos when awake. Sleeping, however, seventy-three.'

‘Oh. What's he called, the rabbit?'

‘He's called The Last of the Flemish Giants Who is All Alone in the Hutch.'

Ouch! thinks Konrad on his booster seat.

But Dad only says, ‘A lovely name. Very poetic.'

Then he closes the hatchback, and Fridz sits on Peter's booster seat.

‘Hi,' she says.

‘Hi.'

‘Are we all set?' says Dad.

‘We are.'

‘Roger. Seat belts all buckled?'

‘Buckled.' says Fridz. ‘Ready for take-off.'

And off they go.

They're hardly out of The Dransfeld, when Fridz pokes Konrad in the ribs. It hurts. What's wrong with her now? But Konrad clenches his teeth and says nothing.

Fridz says nothing either. Instead, she pokes him again, although not so hard this time, and she pulls a face that means, ‘Super!' or maybe, ‘Well done!' She's wriggling about on her booster seat, as if someone had scattered itching powder inside her tiger-striped trousers.

So this is what it's like to be praised by Fridz – it's not exactly generous praise; you couldn't call it that. All the same, Konrad thinks maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all to get involved in this adventure.

Now they're on the road that goes into town. Outside the supermarket, someone is pushing a long row of trolleys across the car park, and at the petrol station, someone is
standing on a ladder to change the price of the petrol.

Look,' says Konrad. ‘Is the petrol going up or down in price?'

‘What a question!' Fridz taps her forehead to show how wise she is. ‘Things only ever get dearer. Nothing ever gets cheaper. Everyone knows that. And so should you.'

Once again, Konrad says nothing. He doesn't look ahead, either, so that he doesn't have to meet Dad's eyes in the rearview mirror.

Another rumbling comes from the rabbit box.

‘Your passenger is getting restless,' says Dad.

‘Not to worry. Everything under control.' Fridz pulls a carrot out of her rucksack and holds it up. ‘Special carrot. Soaked in Rescue Remedy. Calming and relaxing. I'll give it to him now.'

And she unbuckles her seat belt, turns around to the boot space and somehow manages to stick the carrot into the box. Anyway, a moment later the sound of rabbit teeth on carrot is to be heard.

‘Good grief !' says Dad. ‘Very professional.'

They drive on for a bit in silence. The traffic is getting heavier and nearly every traffic light is red. Then they get caught behind a bin lorry, with a bin stuck in it. The bin men are banging on the bin with their fists and are shouting so loudly that they can hear it in the car.

‘Very unprofessional,' says Fridz, and Dad turns the radio on.

They're nearly there now. Through the big roundabout and they're into Berliner Strasse.

‘Next stop, Gerhard's toy shop,' says Dad. ‘Passengers with special luggage, stand by!'

‘All set,' says Fridz as Dad turns into a parking spot.

‘Exit right, please!'

They both get out, and Dad puts the rabbit box on the pavement. ‘Good luck, then!' he says and he pats Konrad on the head as he passes him. He has his hand on the car door handle.

Mad! thinks Konrad. Another few seconds and the tricky bit will be over, and Dad actually hasn't asked another thing!

But then Dad lets go of the car door and comes towards him. ‘I've just thought of something,' he says.

Right. He has probably thought of asking Fridz who's supposed to be getting this rabbit and why. Konrad feels as if someone has spilt hot cocoa all over his insides. But Dad only pulls his tiny new folding mobile phone out of his pocket and gives it to Konrad.

‘Here,' he says. ‘You know how to use it. Just in case anything goes wrong, you can ring Mum on this. Okay?'

‘Okay,' says Konrad casually, putting the mobile in his pocket.

Dad drives off. He just gives a little wave, and off he goes.

Konrad watches until the blue Passat disappears in the traffic.

‘Things are looking bad for you,' says Fridz, who is sitting on the box and rooting about in her rucksack.

‘What?'

‘Divorce, I mean. Your father is very nice. And being nice is a definite indicator when it comes to divorce. I'd say it's more like three all.'

‘You're nuts!' This time it's Konrad who taps his forehead and makes that drilling motion that means the other person is definitely loopy. ‘How could being nice mean you are likely to get divorced?'

‘Well,' says Fridz. ‘If
I
like him, goodness knows who else might feel the same way about him.'

‘Like who?'

‘Ach, you dumb cluck,' says Fridz, fluttering her eyelashes. ‘Other women of course. And if loads of other women think he is nice, then he could very easily go off with one of them.'

‘I hate you!' Konrad can't help saying it. It just insisted on being said.

Fridz gets up off the box and puts her rucksack on. ‘That's great,' she says. ‘Means we'll be together for ages.'

She takes a step towards Konrad and, before he can do a thing about it, he's been kissed by her again. For the third time. This time in the middle of the pavement on Berliner Strasse – and smack on the lips.

Konrad is speechless. People often think they are speechless and they go right on talking, but Konrad really cannot say a word.

‘So,' says Fridz. ‘Phase one successfully completed. Now for phase two: pulling the wool over the eyes of the victim. Let's go – this is your handle, take it!'

Still speechless, Konrad takes hold of the handle and together they carry the box along Berliner Strasse.

‘Are we there yet?' asks Fridz after a few metres, in a silly, childish voice.

‘You should know.' Oh! Well, at least the speechlessness has passed.

‘I do know. Just there – where it says “Oller's Fashions”. That's it. That's where the sneaky snake works.'

Another twenty metres and the pair of them are at the door of the clothes shop.

‘What if she sees the box?' asks Konrad.

‘She won't. She works on the second floor, and she's far too stupid to be looking out of the window.'

Konrad sits on the box.

‘Good luck, so,' he says.

But Fridz doesn't go into the shop. She just looks thoughtfully at the ground. ‘Why don't you come with me?' she says at last.

‘Why? Are you scared?'

Fridz rolls her eyes. ‘Rubbish! It's just that it would look better if you were with me, more convincing. You really can look thick, you know.'

‘But what about the box? We can't leave it on the street.'

Now Fridz looks even more thoughtful. ‘No, that's right, we can't. Let's just carry it in, and we'll hide it until we're ready to go.'

‘Hide it? Where?'

But Fridz has already caught hold of one handle, and Konrad has no choice but to take the other one, and to carry the box into Oller's shop.

Oh my, he thinks.

When they get inside, a shop assistant looks straight at them. But she seems bored, and she looks away again. Two children with a large box – that's nothing to worry about.

‘There, at the back,' says Fridz.

She's pointing at a circular clothes stand on which there are women's trousers on special offer, and they're hanging almost down to the floor.

‘Is anyone looking?'

No, no one's looking. Fridz parts the trousers with one hand, as if she is opening a curtain, and together they push the box through. The clothes stand looks a bit lopsided now, but Fridz thinks it'll do.

‘Ingenious,' she says.

Konrad doesn't agree. There are a few things he'd like to say, but it's all happening so fast. They're up the escalator now to the second floor.

‘Men's department,' says Fridz. ‘It's typical that this bimbo works in the men's department, isn't it?'

Konrad has no opinion.

In the men's department, a young man is pushing a rack of overcoats along a passageway.

‘Ah,' says Fridz. She stands in the middle of the aisle, so that the young man with the coats has to stop. ‘Super. Are these the new colours for autumn?' Fridz takes a sleeve and holds it up. ‘A deep chocolate brown and a kind of wholemeal grey. Very nice, very smart.'

‘Can you let me get by, please, kiddo?' says the young man.

‘Of course, kiddo,' says Fridz. ‘If you will just tell me
where I can find the senior saleswoman, Fräulein Kristine Ahlberger.'

‘Frau Ahlberger is the manageress in the casual and young fashions department,' says the young man. ‘Over there, near the lift.'

‘Humblest thanks.'

Fridz takes Konrad by the arm. ‘Watch this,' she says softly into his ear. ‘Look sad and say nothing. Can you manage that much?'

Konrad nods. More skulduggery! And the day is not over yet.

In the casual and young fashions department the new jeans are being piled up on a table. Two men are doing the piling-up, and a woman with very short blonde hair is watching.

Fridz takes Konrad by the hand and goes up to the woman, with Konrad trailing half a pace behind her.

‘Hi, Krissi,' says Fridz in a tearful voice.

‘Friederike!' says the woman. ‘What a surprise! What are you doing here?'

Fridz starts to cry on the spot. Konrad feels his hand getting damp and cold in hers. It must feel like a dead frog. But Fridz doesn't let it go. Instead, she squeezes it hard. And a tear falls from her left eye down her face to her chin.

‘Oh, Friederike,' says the woman, ‘what's wrong with you?'

The two jeans-pilers look over, and the woman takes Fridz by the shoulder and moves her a bit away from the display table, with Konrad still in tow.

‘Tell me, please, what's happened?' asks the woman.

‘I –,' says Fridz, ‘I –' But she can't get a word out for sobs. Instead, she weeps a second tear, this one out of her right eye.