The Grand Ballast (19 page)

Kilroy replaced the glass. Picked up the
bagel and bit into it. Chewed for a while. “I don’t believe he’s
going to die.”

Bode held the frying pan handle tight. “Why
not?”

“
Truly, I think the
sickness is mostly in his mind.” Kilroy brushed crumbs into a
napkin. “When I make him see that, he will fuel his own
miracle.”

So that was it. Kilroy was obsessed with
Driscoll because he believed he could cure him. How very like
Kilroy. How foolish and deluded and almost, in some strange way,
admirable.

Bode grinned. “Well, maybe you can.”

Kilroy stared at him. “Don’t mock me,
please, Bode. I can’t stand when you do that.”

Bode’s grin slipped. “I’m not mocking you.
I’m just trying to be nice. You’re driving me crazy, the way you go
on about him.”

Kilroy shrugged. “You brought him up.”

They remained still for a moment, the two of
them, balanced on a wire. Waiting to see if the other would shake
it.

Bode turned away first. Scooped the eggs
onto a plate.

OBSESSION

When Bode arrived in the
equipment car the fourth morning at Moat & Rankle to bring
Valen breakfast,
Kilroy was in the car. He
was leaning over Valen, speaking softly. Valen jerked twice on the
chain, trying to swipe at Kilroy with his free hand. Bode strained
to catch Kilroy’s words, his heart thudding. Valen didn’t look
injured, but Bode looked around for something to use as a weapon,
if it came to that.

“
I could help you do it,”
Kilroy murmured. “If you’d let me.”

Bode froze.
Do what?

No answer from
Valen.

Kilroy’s voice rose
slightly. “I would do it however you asked.” In the flickering
lantern light, their shadows shifted on the wall. “You deserve the
death you want.”

Bode gripped the
doorframe, furious and lost. Kilroy was offering Valen exactly what
Valen had said he wanted. “…
Help me finish
my fucking act.”

Bode swallowed.
No. You don’t get to have him.

Kilroy glanced up and saw Bode there. Looked
back at Valen. “Ah. You have a visitor. Bode could help you too. He
has some experience in the area of ushering souls from this world
to the next.”

Bode couldn’t move. He knew Kilroy was
baiting him; knew Valen had no real reason to care about Bode’s
history or future. But there was still terror in the idea of Valen
knowing what he’d done. Why he was here.

He fled to the coffin car, climbing into his
coffin and pulling the grate shut.

Kilroy’s going to try to use Valen to hurt
you.

He and Kilroy had moved
like this for years now—circling each other, keeping secrets and
loving each other’s sickness. Every dance of theirs was dangerous.
They waltzed on a glass bridge with no walls and darkness all
around them, Bode waiting for the moment Kilroy would let go and
send him spinning over the edge into nothingness.

So I’ll hold on. I’ll hold
on and hold on and hold on.

A moment later, he heard someone enter the
car. He thought it was Kilroy and tensed, prepared for a
confrontation. Instead, something creaked and a shadow fell over
him.

“
I know what’s happened.”
Sibyata crawled up on the grate of his coffin like a giant,
horrible spider and peered down at him. She was wearing black
leggings and a ragged black leotard. “I was watching,
yesterdaaaay.”

“
Go away.”

“
K was gonna feed you to
his new dog. But the dog wouldn’t eat you. I saw it
all.”

Bode’s stomach
clenched.
What
had
she seen exactly? Had she heard Bode’s promise to Valen?

“
Pack it in, pack it out.
Oh-oh-oh, Kilroy skins you every time he looks at you. But you were
once his baby, waddn’t you?” She clasped the bars and pushed her
lips between them. “Waddn’t you his baby, baby?”

“
Never,” he said
sharply.

“
Aw, angel-y thing. I
didn’t mean nothing by it. I think you’re lovely.” She rolled over
and lay on her back on the grate, blocking out what little light he
had. “What a shame he sees opportunity where he arrr-oughta see
loveliness. Arr-oughta, arr-oughta. Tuh, tuh, tuh…” She let one arm
dangle through the bars, brushing Bode’s chest. “When you’re free…”
Her voice pitched and drifted like a ship on a rough sea. “There’s
a man you might find for me. He once thought I was
lovely.”

She paused.

“
You might tell him,” she
went on, “that this is what I think of life an’ everything.” She
farted. Bode jumped slightly, then stilled, resisting an almost
hysterical urge to laugh. Sibyata did laugh, her low, gurgling
chuckle. “You hear people say, ‘What does it all mean?’ And I think
it means fart.”

He shot his hand upward, clawing at her
back. She only laughed and arched, like he was tickling her. “Is
this you asking me to dance?”

“
Get out,” he
said.

“
I think it’s nice he wants
to keep you all locked up and his own. Maybe it’s just his way of
being sweet on you.”

If he wanted to keep me, he had a chance
years ago. All he had to do was ask.

Not even
ask—
answer.

“
Go away.”

She sat up. “Since you asked so nicely.” Her
bony ass cheeks were split by a bar of the grate. There was a hole
in the seat of her leggings, and bruised flesh spilled out.

She hopped up, and then she was gone.

***

That night, LJ was feverish again. Anything he
drank, he threw up immediately. He was badly dehydrated, and Bode
didn’t know what to do besides cool him down by wetting some rags
that Kayak had been using as a pillow in his coffin.

Kilroy was nowhere to be found.

Finally, Bode went to Lein’s car. Lein was buried in
his nest of trash, only his backside sticking out. Bode threatened,
cajoled. Begged. But Lein refused to go for a doctor. Finally, Bode
made a decision. He’d go into town himself.

He stepped outside and stood there shivering in the
weak silver light of the moon. He thought, as he often did, about
running. Reminded himself he wasn’t allowed to do that until he had
LJ and Valen with him.

As started off from the rail yard, he met
Kilroy.

Who was staggering.

“
Bode!” Kilroy called cheerfully,
giving an exaggerated wave. “Just who I…wann-ed to see.”

“
Are you drunk?” Bode asked
him.

Kilroy never drank more than the
occasional whiskey. Never seemed to do much in the towns where they
performed except meet with potential sponsors and sit down
with
The Rustler
for brief interviews. He never accompanied them to bars or
clubs.

“
Yes!” Kilroy sounded delighted.
“I’ve been to town. I’ve sampled the good liquids. And now I’m
back.”

Bode caught Kilroy as he stumbled
into him. For an instant, the weight of Kilroy’s body was so
familiar that Bode was whisked back to a time when he’d
wanted
this weight in his
arms, when he’d loved the smell and feel and taste of this man.
Grief seemed to suck every trace of silver light from the night
around them.

“
Okay, okay,” Bode murmured. “Let
me help you to your car.” As he put an arm around

Kilroy’s waist, he tried to feel for the key ring
under the red tailcoat. Listened for a telltale jingle. Heard
nothing.

“
Bode, I feel
strange
.” Kilroy hobbled up the
wooden stairs.

“
Lean on me. Do you have your
keys?”

Kilroy drew the key ring from his jacket pocket.

Now
, Bode
thought. While he’s drunk, distracted, just fucking hit him and
take the keys.

“
Here—” Bode reached for the ring.
Kilroy pulled away and stuck a silver key in the lock. Turned
it.

“
There.” Kilroy pocketed the keys
again, the motion surprisingly smooth.

And if Kilroy yelled for help? If Lein came running?
This could be his only chance. Act too rashly and he’d fuck it up.
Act to slowly and he’d lose it.

He followed Kilroy inside.

Kilroy sat on the bed and scrubbed his forehead. “My
goodness. What was I thinking?”

“
Do you feel okay?”

Kilroy glanced up, his skin flushed, his mouth
hanging slightly open. “I don’t know.”

“
I’ll get you some water.” Bode
headed to the bathroom. He didn’t know how it was possible to feel
so frightened and steady at the same time.

“
Here’s what we should do,” he
said, returning and offering Kilroy a small mug of water. “We
should stay in Moat & Rankle tonight, instead of traveling on.
One more night here won’t kill us.”

Kilroy nodded. “Won’t kill us.”

“
We stay here, and you get some
sleep. We also need a doctor to come take care of LJ.”

“
LJ!” Kilroy laughed. “LJ is very,
very toothless.”

“
Kilroy. This is important. Can you
call Mr. Lein in here?”

“
Mr. Lein is a good dog. Yes! Yes!”
The yesses came out like barks. Kilroy tried to whistle. Succeeded
only in spitting. “Mr. Lein! Mr.
Lein
, I’m home! Come in here.” He
swung his legs onto the bed and lay back against the
pillows.

It seemed like an eternity before Mr. Lein arrived.
In that time, Kilroy played with Bode’s hair and mumbled, “I’m a
worm. They all think I’m a worm…”

“
What?” Mr. Lein snapped as he
entered. He caught sight of Bode standing beside Kilroy’s bed.
“What d’you want?”

“
We’re staying here tonight.” Bode
told him. “Call a doctor for LJ.”

Mr. Lein coughed out an incredulous laugh and said
to Kilroy, “I don’t take orders from this pissant.” He was rubbing
two crushed soda cans against his thighs.

“
Get a doctor,” Bode repeated.
“Now.”

“
For God’s sake, Lein, listen to
him!” Kilroy shouted. “Get a doctor!” He looked at Bode and shook
his head with an appalled chuckle, hooking his thumb toward Mr.
Lein. “Do you believe this joker, Bode?” His voice trailed off into
a whisper. “I don’t believe him.”

“
You really want me to get a
doctor?” Lein demanded, looking at Kilroy.

“
Yes! Yes, get a doctor. For poor,
toothless LJ with his skin in flames.”

Lein’s gaze met Bode’s, and he glowered a moment.
Then, like a shadow shifting, his expression changed to a
worshipful rage, as though he might sink to his knees in front of
Bode but loathe himself for it forever. He turned and left.

Bode approached the bed again. “Do you want out of
your clothes?”

Kilroy laughed. “If you’ll get out of yours.”

Bode reached down and started to undo the buttons of
Kilroy’s jacket. He had to act quickly. While Lein was preoccupied.
“Shift up,” he murmured, sliding the jacket from Kilroy’s
shoulders.

Kilroy lifted his upper body. His breath was warm
and even against Bode’s arm as Bode helped him out of the garment.
Bode could hear the keys jingling in the pocket. He folded the
jacket and set it on the bed. Went to work on the buttons of
Kilroy’s dress shirt. As Bode eased the shirt open, he stopped.
Focused on Kilroy’s chest. Freckles below the collarbone. Coarse
blond hair around the nipples. Age had taken away some of the
definition in Kilroy’s muscles, but Bode still recognized this
flesh, this shape, the rise and fall of this chest. If he put his
hand to the skin, he’d know the heartbeat.

Bode was surprised to see a droplet of water hit
Kilroy’s stomach. Kilroy seemed to notice it too. He looked up.
“Are you crying?” He sounded awed.

Bode ran one finger under Kilroy’s red-rimmed left
eye. “No. You are.”

Kilroy put his own hand up to cheek. He choked out a
laugh. “So I am.” He shifted to help Bode remove his shirt. He
sighed; his eyes tracked back and forth across the ceiling. The wet
tracks glimmered on his cheeks. “No one has done this for me in a
very long time.”

Bode’s throat was tight. “You won’t even remember
this tomorrow.”

“
I will.” Kilroy said with
certainty. “I’m not so stupid. I will remember this. I’m a little
drunk, but not much.”

Bode took the folded jacket and shirt and walked
toward the desk, his back to Kilroy. As he walked, he attempted to
pull the key ring out of the jacket pocket without making a sound.
Ms. Rasmund said most dancers slowed down at the parts of the dance
they were afraid of. The trick was to move with confidence into
those uncomfortable parts. Revel in them when you got there. Fail
boldly, if you were going to fail at all.

“
I’m a worm,” Kilroy said behind
him. “That’s why people poison me—because I’m in their garden and
they think I’m ugly, but they don’t understand all that I do for
the earth. Would you poison the soil to poison a worm? Would you
poison the whole ground because the slimy parts are
unappealing?”

“
Shh.” Bode set the jacket and
shirt on the desk. Drew the keys another half inch out of the
pocket. “Stop talking.” He glanced over his shoulder. “You sound
sick when you talk like that.”

“
Something’s very wrong inside of
me. I’ve been able to feel it since I was—” Kilroy leveled his hand
and held it lower than the mattress. “Just small.”