The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (10 page)

This early cave painting suggests that the FSM might have tried to interfere with aboriginal hunters in an effort to get them to eat more pasta. Ultimately, He succeeded, only to see the aborigines establish a worldwide chain of mediocre steakhouses
.

The pharaohs sought protection from the FSM in the afterlife. In spite of their wealth, it appears that they’re still waiting
.

The Great Wall of China, one of the few man-made objects that can be seen from the heavens, is suspected to be a tribute to the FSM
.

Originally misidentified as cracks, this partial pedimental sculpture of the FSM reveals that Western civilization was founded on a deep reverence for Pastafarianism
.

Somehow Michelangelo snuck this one past the pope. Since then it has gone on to become one of the most commonly downloaded pieces of art ever produced
.

When Ben Franklin described electricity as “a Noodly power cast down to earth,” he was more correct than people realized
.

Intimidated by the FSM’s great intellect, the Founding Fathers decided to include a clear separation between church and state. They wouldn’t even let Him sign their declaration and had His image painted over in the final portrait.

Sometimes the FSM has to interfere in the misguided affairs of man. Here He encourages Douglas MacArthur to accept the Japanese surrender after World War II. (In the background, several pirates can be seen standing at attention.)

Einstein secretly consults the FSM, who reiterates that He indeed does not play dice with the universe
.

You didn’t think NASA got us there all on their own, did you?

Q: What sort of pasta is the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of? Wheat? Semolina?

A: There’s some debate about this—Western culture contending He is wheat-based, while in the East they believe He’s made of rice or buckwheat. We don’t know the truth, and maybe we’re not meant to.

Q: Why do modern-day Pirates, sports teams called “Pirates,” and Pirate costumes not affect global weather, given that there is a statistically significant link between Pirate numbers and global temperature?

A: Calling oneself a Pirate, or dressing up as one, does not make one a true Pirate; it takes much more. In what way are modern-day “Pirates,” with their speedboats and machine guns, similar to the fun-loving adventurous buccaneers from history? How can sports teams, with their obsession over rules and regulations, claim to embody the mischievous spirit of the Pirate?

Dressing up as a Pirate comes closer, and we can sometimes see an effect on weather. Halloween Pirates, for example, are at least trying to emulate true Pirate behavior, sometimes with important details such as wenches and grog. We can see solid evidence that they are indeed making a difference on weather patterns; the several months following Halloween are always colder than the several preceding it—just as the Pirates-temperature causal relationship predicts.

Talk Like a Pirate Day (
www.talklikeapirate.com
) is another good example of how acting like a Pirate can influence the weather. Every September 19, millions, if not thousands, of people communicate in Pirate-speak, a subtle nod to their Creator, and a
conscientious effort to curb global warming. And with great success. Since its creation several years ago, the temperature on September 19 each year has been colder than on the day I picked scientifically at random—July 10—without exception. Just a coincidence? Unlikely.

Q: How do you reconcile the glaring inconsistencies and contradictions in the FSM religion?

A: First, all of these seeming flaws were carefully put in place, by Him, to test His followers’ faith. Second, a certain amount of inconsistency is necessary for a religion to become widespread—for example, Christianity, Islam, and so on.

Q: If the FSM is benevolent, why do bad things happen to good people?

A: They may have angered Him, or it could be that He is too busy, or indifferent for whatever reason, to get involved. He works in mysterious ways that we are not always able to understand.