The Gospel According to the Son (16 page)

I took the cup, and offered thanks to the Lord, and poured our wine, and recalled other nights when we had drunk together and had felt as if all were one, and things hidden would be revealed. Now, indeed, was much revealed. The wine made me feel near my Father, and I looked upon Him as if He were a great king. Indeed, for these few breaths, my fear of Him was less than my love; I felt close to His long labors. He had sought to bring order to the chaos our people had made. How hard He had worked, and how often He had fallen into rage and sent us into exile for our sins. Yet even as He had scattered us, so had He brought us back. He had sought to forgive us no matter how we had despoiled His Creation. Could I now tell these twelve men at this table that God would come, and soon, to save us? I could not give them such a certainty. For I knew that we Israelites were a scattered and sinful people who would prefer, doubtless, not to be saved but judged. For we were so vain as to believe that we would pass judgment.

Like a soldier loyal yet weary, I said to myself, "0 Lord, help my unbelief."

And as I gave them to drink, I said: "This is my blood, which is shed for you and for many."

Whereupon, as I tasted the sorrow of the grapes that had been crushed to make this wine, I told them: "I will drink no more wine until I drink it in the Kingdom of God." The Kingdom of God seemed near.

My apostles stirred. One said: "How can a prophet give his flesh to eat and his blood to drink?"

I said: "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you will have no life. But he who will eat my flesh and drink my blood will have eternal life. I will raise him up on the last day. He will dwell in me and I in him."

I heard much muttering. Judas spoke out: "This is a hard saying. Who can hear it?"

I answered: "Have I not chosen you? Are you not my twelve?" And I resisted what I was ready to say next, but then I said it: "And among your twelve, is not one of you a devil?" I said this with certainty. Did I not feel the boundless sorrow of the Lord? I said: "One of you shall betray me. Woe to him. It would have been good if he had never been born."

Such a man must be close to me, as close as my own sins and my own fatigue, for now I felt grief for this man. If he would betray me, his suffering would be greater than mine.

Yet with such thoughts I grew stronger. For strength always came to me when I was enriched by compassion.

I arose from supper and laid aside my garments, and with a loincloth I girded myself. Then I poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of each disciple.

When I came to Peter, he said: "You shall not wash one foot or the other."

I replied, "If I do not, you can be no part of me."

Peter answered, "Then not only my feet, Lord, but my hands and my head."

Some of their feet were clean, and others' stank of the alleys of Jerusalem; still, I knew whose limbs were brave and which men were ready to flee. So when I was done with bathing all twelve, I said: "In time to come, wash one another's feet as I have washed yours."

But the same thought kept repeating itself: "One of you will betray me." I must even have spoken these words aloud, for now Simon Peter asked, "Lord, who is it?"

I answered: "He is the one to whom I shall give a sop."

And a little later, lowering my bread into the wine, I handed this piece to Judas Iscariot. Much passed between us. And not the least of it was the conversation we had had before we set out for Jerusalem.

Judas' dark eyes grew luminous with the glow of false faith we offer when we wish to hide what we feel. Yet I told myself he was, after all, loyal. Just so much did I wish to believe in him. For I could understand how men could have faith but be faithless. Therefore I said to Judas, "What you will do, do quickly." Even if I did know, I did not, just so much did I love himùso, I said it tenderly. No other man at the table understood; some could have thought I sent him out with a blessing. I had clasped him by the shoulder. And he went out. The night was dark.

I was as moved as if I were ready to walk again upon the water in the Sea of Galilee.

I said, "A new commandment I give to you: Love one another as I have loved you. By this alone shall others know that you are my disciples. For soon I must go, and where I go, you cannot come."

Peter said: "Lord, where do you go?"

I answered: "You cannot follow me now. Only afterward will you be able."

Peter said: "Lord, let me follow now. I will lay down my life for you. I am ready to go with you into prison and into death." He believed it. He was certain that he could never fail me. Even the best of warriors can grow so fond of his deeds that he begins to think he is as large as he wishes to be. But he is not. He can still be blind to himself. I said: "This day, even on this night, before the cock crows once, thou shalt deny me thrice."

He spoke vehemently: "I will not deny you. Not in any way." And the others spoke the same words.

I said: "Are there swords among us?"

43

When there was no reply, I said, "Let the man who has no sword sell his garment and buy one."

Then they confessed. "Lord, here are two swords," they said, and two of them brought forth short swords, whereupon Peter took one.

I said: "It will be enough." But I wondered. Would twelve legions of angels be enough?

The apostle Thomas now asked: "Lord, how can we know the way?" He was simple, and I had to repeat the same words many times for him to understand. So I said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father except by me." But it was late, and he was not the only one who did not know.

Whereupon Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father."

I told him: "Believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me."

Now I saw as never before that if they did not believe this, they would be without power to do any works. I told them: "Know only that you must love one another as I have loved you."

Never had I felt more love for them, or more compassion for their weakness. So many perils were waiting. "Know," I said, "that I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves. Try then to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves. But beware of men. For they will deliver you to their councils and, because of me, they will scourge you and subject you to evil judgment by governors and kings. Yet take no thought of what you must say, for it will be given to you in that hour of trial. It is not you who will speak but the Spirit of your Father." (To that, I could bear witness.)

These words brought fear to many of them. But then, few are ready to seek greater faith by climbing upward, ever upward, against their fear. So I added: "Be not afraid, my friends, of those who kill the body; fear rather Him who has the power to cast you into hell. Fear Him."

Now they might understand at last the fear that lay beneath all other fear: Would they see that death was not the end but the beginning? The joys or the agonies to come would surpass all that they had known before. Had I accomplished this muchùthat they would no longer keep from looking upon the face of death in the hope that thereby a harsh verdict might be avoided?

I knew that all I had told them was true but for one thing. I had said: "Love one another as I have loved you." Yet my love had been mixed with anger.

So I would tell them what must always be true: "Greater love," I said, "no man can have than this, that he lay down his life for his friend. I tell you again: Love one another. You must."

I spoke as if I had already left them. I believed it. Yet I also believed that I would never leave them. I would be with them tomorrow.

I looked at my apostles, and some were ugly and some were misshapen of body; some were misshapen of nose; the hands of many were thick and broken; the legs of others were crooked. Yet they were not only my followers but my friends. I would love them. "They will persecute me," I said. "They will persecute you. And all these things they will do to you because of me. For if I had not told them of their sins, they would not have had to know that they sinned. Now there is no cloak for their evil."

I heard a roaring in the wilderness, and it was far from my ear even if it was inside my ear. The rage of the Devil was immense. If the Pharisees were now without a cloak for their sin, then the Devil might lose his harvest.

"The time shall come," I said to my people, "when whoever will look to kill you will think that he does service to God. Wars shall be waged in God's name that will profit the Devil."

If I was feeling the sorrow that I might not live to see my disciples for even one more evening, still it was necessary that I say: "Your unhappiness shall turn to joy. For you will come to know yourselves, and then you will see that you are also the sons of the living Father."

I wanted this to be true for now and for eternity, but I also knew that my Father's heart was heavier in this hour than my own. Again, I did not dare to wonder whether I had failed in the larger part of my ministry. Instead, I lifted my eyes and prayed, "Father, give back to me the glory that I had with You before the world was." And it gave me great hope to think that He had been with me from the beginning, and even before the beginning. Might that give me strength in the trials to come?

"Father," I said, "if I am no longer to be in this world, my men are still here and I have given them Your Word. So I pray that You will take them into Yourself and keep them from the evil of others. As You, Father, are in me and I in You, may they also be in Us, and be One with Us. And then the world will believe that You have sent me. The glory which You have given to me I would give to them so that they may be One even as We are One, I in them and You in me."

I could feel the love of God. Such love was like an animal of heavenly beauty. Its eyes glowed in my heart.

As these prayers echoed within my chest, so did I know that I must go again to the Temple even if it was the night of the third day. And I must go with these questions in my heart. If they were heavy, so must I carry them as my burden.

I set out.

With every step my legs grew heavier. When we came to Gethsemane, I said to my disciples, "Sit here. I will pray."

I chose Peter and James and John to come with me and began to mount the small hill to the garden of Gethsemane. It was as if my limbs belonged to another and could hardly stir.

"Keep watch," I said. I hardly knew why, but I said to Peter, "Do not enter into temptation." My soul was sorrowful unto death.

Then I went forward to where they could not see me, and fell to the ground. I prayed that this hour might pass.

44

I wanted to live in less terror. Sweat was on my brow, and heavy, like drops of blood. I said, "Father, take this cup from me." Yet I knew that the cup of misery would not pass; the pit was bottomless. Suddenly I was afraid of my Father for I was full of pity for myself. I said to Him: "It is not what I will but what You will."

When I made my way down to the three I had left behind, they were sleeping. I said: "Peter, could you not watch for an hour?" By his face, I knew that he was imbued with his own terror and it was as large as mine. For what does a strong man do in the hour of his cowardice but fall into sleep? Yet once again Peter swore loyalty to me, and said he would stand guard. "The spirit may be ready," I told him, "but the flesh is weak."

I went off to pray by myself in the garden. And the odor of betrayal was in the flowers. Even in the flowers. When I returned to the other three, they were asleep. Again they had fallen asleep.

I said, "It is enough. The hour is come."

As I spoke, Judas came toward us. With him were Temple Guards and Roman soldiers. He marched straightaway to me and said, "Master, Master," and he kissed me on the mouth. It was then that I knew he loved me too, and more than he could ever have believed.

By no more than half, however, did he love me. His lips were burning with fever. He must have said to the guards: "He whom I will kiss speaks as the Messiah." He could have said no less than that, for they came forward at once to lay hands on me. Peter then drew his sword and struck a servant of the High Priest on his ear. That poor fellow's ear turned raw with blood. I said to this servant, "Suffer no further." And touched his ear and healed him. I asked his nameùMalchus. The Roman soldiers were silent and did not come to aid Malchus because he was a Jew, but then they also drew back because I had healed a wound.

I said to the Temple Guards: "Have you come to find a thief?"

Hearing this speech, they seized me, and James and John fled. Even Peter was gone. So were the Roman soldiers.

I suffered these Temple Guards to lead me away.

45

They took me to the house of Caiaphas, the High Priest, and it was a large house. At the other end of a long hall, a fire had been kindled, and there, followers of the High Priest sat together. I could see that Peter, having stolen after me, now sat among them warming himself by the fire.

The men who held me put a blindfold over my eyes. And as soon as that was done, one of these fellows slapped me on the face. Then several said: "Tell us who struck you. Prophesy!"

Another, whom I could not see, left his spit on my cheek.

Then came the priests and the elders and some of the council of the Sanhedrin. I knew false witnesses would accompany them. Soon, two men told the High Priest that I had said, "I will destroy this Temple, and within three days I will build another." Yet they did not agree on whether I had said I would use my own hands or would rebuild the Temple without hands.

Caiaphas, the High Priest, now ordered my blindfold to be removed. He was a tall man, and his white beard was worthy of a prophet. He stood in the midst of the others and asked gently: "Will you reply to my questions?"

I did not answer. My silence must have seemed insolent, for this High Priest Caiaphas then said: "I adjure you by the Living God to tell us whether you are Christ, the Son of God, our Messiah."

He had adjured me. I could not swear a false oath to the High Priest of my people; no, not even if I was the Son of God and thereby, by half, superior to any priest. So I said, "I am what you say." These words might as well have come from the sky. They seemed far away from me even as I said them.