The Good Apprentice (15 page)
Read The Good Apprentice Online
Authors: Iris Murdoch
‘I didn’t look much like her then. I do much more now. He saw the future. He was a great dominating powerful man, everyone in that room felt his power. I thought he was rather weird.’
‘You mean sexy. I detest dominating powerful men. It’s true I never thought you looked like your sister. Now sometimes you do.’
‘I know I’m just a shadow of her in your life, a substitute, a second-best,’ said Midge. But she didn’t believe this.
‘Don’t provoke me! You’re utterly unlike her, you’re a completely different person.’
‘Yes, but when I was young she was everything and I was nothing.’
‘All right, now she’s nothing and you’re everything. I’ve cast her out of my life and out of my heart too. I can’t love a ghost, I love life not death, flesh not earth. Christ, I think more about Teresa than about Chloe! God rest her soul, she’s
gone
, as if she’d never been. Be content with that and let her be.’
gone
, as if she’d never been. Be content with that and let her be.’
‘Oh I do, I do,’ said Midge, huddling into her silk robe. They were silent, both fearing the wrong word, the wrong move, which would suddenly though only briefly (but they had so little time) set them apart in other perspectives, with other judgments, other possible courses of action. They were there, Midge in her red and purple and Harry heroic in his wild shirt, a long spear of blond hair adorning his open chest, like a king and queen, glowing fateful and majestic in the intense rainy light of the room.
‘I want a weekend,’ said Harry, ‘I must have that.’
‘The next step.’
‘It’s ridiculous, we’ve loved each other for two years, and we’ve never spent two whole consecutive days and nights together. When Thomas goes to that conference in Geneva, we’ll find a hotel — ’
‘It’s too dangerous.’
‘Oh, dangerous! I’m hungry, I’m starving, I want you in my home, I want it to be your home, I want you forever — and now I’m asking you so bloody little. You drive me mad! What does danger matter to us!’
‘You know it matters,’ said Midge. ‘You agreed there should be no letters. You were the one who told me to invent all those old friends I was supposed to be lunching with — ’
‘Yes, but that was at the start. We’ve spent two years getting over the big bang, recovering from the first shock, settling in and realising it’s forever — ’
‘We are well as we are, we could lose each other — ’
‘Midge, darling, we
can’t
lose each other, if there were a showdown I’d just take you away, I’d never let you go back to Thomas and leave me,
never.
So you can dismiss that from your mind!’
can’t
lose each other, if there were a showdown I’d just take you away, I’d never let you go back to Thomas and leave me,
never.
So you can dismiss that from your mind!’
‘Don’t be impatient with me,’ said Midge, looking at him with her painful face. ‘It’s harder for me. We can’t solve this by planning it or just wild decisions. Fate will solve it, and time, a way will be opened, we shall receive a sign — ’
‘OK, so long as we can’t lose! I’m just getting a bit fed up with fate and time!’
‘But we have
good
time,
beautiful
time, the eternal present like you said, and whenever we part we know that we shall meet again, and we can look forward — I’m so happy with looking forward — ’
good
time,
beautiful
time, the eternal present like you said, and whenever we part we know that we shall meet again, and we can look forward — I’m so happy with looking forward — ’
‘My dear heart, stop evading the issue, you know you’re evading it — ’
‘Even if for all our lives we had only what we have now, living quietly together and harming no one — ’
‘Oh
shut up!’
shut up!’
‘I don’t mean this will happen, I just mean we needn’t hurry.’
‘You said that when Meredith went to boarding school we could be more together. Well, he’s going to boarding school in the autumn. And he’s nearly grown up. Isn’t that a sign?’
‘He’s going to boarding school,’ said Midge, ‘and Thomas is talking about leaving London and living in the country!’
‘And giving up his patients and surrendering all that power? He never would. Why should his plans interest us anyway! We’re made for happiness, he isn’t, he belongs to a different race. It’s that ancestral rabbi speaking in that prissy Edinburgh voice. I used to think you married Thomas for security and status and because he was an older man and to get even with Chloe. Now I see you married him for his power.’
Midge made a dismissive gesture but said nothing. Her face was calmer now and she looked upon him with large gentle loving eyes.
‘Midge, oh my sweetheart, my angel, I love you so much, I feel your kisses all the time, all our touchings, all our joys, are about me like a net, I nearly swooned with desire during that dinner party, when I sit alone at home and think about you I could bite my hands off. You said wait and we’ve waited, we must think now, we must
think
about how to do ourselves justice, do our love justice, and be really together and really happy — oh such happiness, Midge, it’s
possible
, it’s
near,
we have only to stretch out our hands …’
think
about how to do ourselves justice, do our love justice, and be really together and really happy — oh such happiness, Midge, it’s
possible
, it’s
near,
we have only to stretch out our hands …’
Midge turned away her face which for a moment wore a look of evasive hunted irritation which Harry knew and dreaded. She smoothed her cheeks and brow with soothing hands. ‘We said once that if Thomas ever found out we’d have to stop.’
‘You said that once, on the second day, even then you didn’t believe it!’
‘You said it was a precious compact, and if we could just have what we have now and belong faithfully to each other we’d be in paradise.’
‘I said that to persuade you, and you know that I did!’
‘I thought you rather liked the secrecy. You said once that our getting away with it was what was so wonderful.’
‘If I said that, which I don’t remember, I spoke like a vulgar fool, I
never
thought that. Why do you
argue
so, you keep bringing up these little hurtful stupid lists of objections — ’
never
thought that. Why do you
argue
so, you keep bringing up these little hurtful stupid lists of objections — ’
‘Perhaps I want you to clear them all away. I want to hear you say it’ll be all right.’
‘My darling, it’ll be all right. Just trust me and let me
lead.
You keep talking about things being dangerous — yes, Thomas
could
find out, and we must be prepared, and now we
can
be prepared. It’s time to nerve ourselves to see the
necessity
of being really and openly together. We’ll look back and think we were crazy to live like a couple of frightened animals in a hole! You know how much I hate it. You’re thinking about Meredith, but Meredith will be all right, he’s such a calm grown-up child, and he loves me, I think he loves me more than he loves Thomas. You said I was his hero. Thomas is a cold fish, he’ll survive anything, he may even get satisfaction out of pretending to be a victim! He’s fey and elvish and secretive, and he’s so dignified, there’s no fun in him. And he’s getting old, you must feel it, you must see it now, the romance of the older man is over. You say he hates social life, and wants to stop at home and read, and doesn’t talk to you.
We
talk all the time, we
get on
with each other, we make each other exist, we give each other more being. You never really got on with him, you just pretended to. You admired him, you revered him. He’s never regarded you as a real person, he’s never
known
you, he’s superior, he directs you, he pities you — ’
lead.
You keep talking about things being dangerous — yes, Thomas
could
find out, and we must be prepared, and now we
can
be prepared. It’s time to nerve ourselves to see the
necessity
of being really and openly together. We’ll look back and think we were crazy to live like a couple of frightened animals in a hole! You know how much I hate it. You’re thinking about Meredith, but Meredith will be all right, he’s such a calm grown-up child, and he loves me, I think he loves me more than he loves Thomas. You said I was his hero. Thomas is a cold fish, he’ll survive anything, he may even get satisfaction out of pretending to be a victim! He’s fey and elvish and secretive, and he’s so dignified, there’s no fun in him. And he’s getting old, you must feel it, you must see it now, the romance of the older man is over. You say he hates social life, and wants to stop at home and read, and doesn’t talk to you.
We
talk all the time, we
get on
with each other, we make each other exist, we give each other more being. You never really got on with him, you just pretended to. You admired him, you revered him. He’s never regarded you as a real person, he’s never
known
you, he’s superior, he directs you, he pities you — ’
‘I couldn’t bear a scandal,’ said Midge, who had put on a vague faraway look during Harry’s speech.
‘That’s a paltry reply, refusing so great, so perfect a happiness for fear of a scandal! Everyone does such things these days, there’s no such thing as scandal. We must live with the truth of our emotions. A love like ours is self-justifying. Believe in it, give yourself to it. A love like ours is rare, it’s a marvel upon earth.’
‘Yes, I know. My darling.’
‘Well then — why prefer what’s hollow to what’s real? That’s hypocrisy, keeping up appearances, bowing to conventions, letting all the real love disappear out of life. Our love is the truth, the concrete, the real, what opposes it is abstract and false. We must follow our hearts, that’s what’s true, the truth of our whole being.
Sex
is true, Midge, you’ve recognised it and we’ve proved it.’
Sex
is true, Midge, you’ve recognised it and we’ve proved it.’
‘Yes. You don’t believe we should try and be good like Stuart thinks!’
‘You’re joking. What Stuart wants is not only false, it’s senseless, it’s an unintelligible fake, one can’t think in that degree of detail about morals. Life is a whole, it must be lived as a whole, abstract good and bad are just fictions. We must live in our own concrete realised truth and that’s got to include what we deeply desire, what fulfils us and gives us joy.
That’s
the good life, not everyone is capable of it, not everyone has the courage. We are, and we have.’
That’s
the good life, not everyone is capable of it, not everyone has the courage. We are, and we have.’
‘I think I’ll dress,’ said Midge. She looked at her watch, then squatted to find her shoes. She peeled off her silk robe and found her petticoat. Harry groaned. He put his whisky down carefully on the chest of drawers. She went on, ‘Yes, I know. But I — you spoke about a net that you lived in — what I live in is lies — wherever I reach out my hand I touch a network of lies.’
‘Well, don’t tell
me
that! You know what I want, openness and truth and you, absolutely and forever! You say this is wonderful now, just picture it without the lies! I hate lying and creeping about being afraid of being found out!
I
don’t want it to be like this, it’s contrary to my nature, you make me do things contrary to my nature and I
hate
it, I feel demeaned and demoralised, I want to be myself, with you, right out in the open. You want to have it all ways, to love and enjoy me and yet to torment me with abstract morality!’
me
that! You know what I want, openness and truth and you, absolutely and forever! You say this is wonderful now, just picture it without the lies! I hate lying and creeping about being afraid of being found out!
I
don’t want it to be like this, it’s contrary to my nature, you make me do things contrary to my nature and I
hate
it, I feel demeaned and demoralised, I want to be myself, with you, right out in the open. You want to have it all ways, to love and enjoy me and yet to torment me with abstract morality!’
‘I’m sorry — ’
‘And you’re the one who once said “my motto is anything goes”!’
‘I remember that. Perhaps I was trying to please you by saying
your
motto.’
your
motto.’
‘You do me less than justice.’
‘I know, you have your philosophy.’
‘Midge, you drive me mad! What’s the problem? You said that when you’re with me Thomas doesn’t exist, so all you’ve got to do is be with me all the time.’
‘I had a bad dream.’
‘You said that
this
was the only genuine independent creative thing you’d ever done in your whole life, so why don’t you complete it? Why do you hack at it all the time? You know I won’t leave you, you are safe in my heart, it doesn’t matter what you do. So is it all just to hurt me?’
this
was the only genuine independent creative thing you’d ever done in your whole life, so why don’t you complete it? Why do you hack at it all the time? You know I won’t leave you, you are safe in my heart, it doesn’t matter what you do. So is it all just to hurt me?’
‘I saw a man on a white horse passing and looking so balefully towards me as if he would kill me. He looked into my eyes. Then he went on. I’ve had that dream before.’
‘You’d better ask your husband what it means. It was probably him:.He’s the cause of all the trouble!’
‘You used to like him, you used to admire him.’
‘I still do. Do you think I enjoy deceiving him, and finding myself cursing him? You have a talent for saying things which are both hurtful and ridiculous.’
‘I can’t think why you love me.’
‘Oh
God!
My life rests on your love. I love you deeply and tenderly as if we’ve long long been happily married.’
God!
My life rests on your love. I love you deeply and tenderly as if we’ve long long been happily married.’
‘Good.’
‘Midge — !’
‘I know, my darling. But I can’t hear you say it often enough. Forgive my — forgive me. It’s time you went home. Look, the rain has stopped. I shall cry when you’re gone. Then I shall tidy this room and do my nails and make myself up a new face. Just give me your hand, your poor burnt hand, I’ll be gentle with it.’
‘What about my poor burnt heart? God how it hurts me to leave you. Kiss me and kiss me, there can never be enough kisses in the world, give me my food or I shall die of love.’
‘How beautiful you look, my lovely dear animal, my love — Harry in majesty!’
‘Cry God for Harry, England, and St George!’
‘There now, go. I wish I could help Edward. I’d so like to.’
‘Leave him alone. He’s got enough troubles without falling in love with you!’
God, why do we have to suffer so, thought Harry, as he walked along holding up his handsome blond head with such an air of calm authority and pride that people turned to look after him. He looked like an ambassador. Why can’t we be happy as we ought to be and could be, it’s an inch away. I love her perfectly, she loves me perfectly, yet I’m in hell, and she’s in hell. Why does it have to be? Why can’t I make her strong enough? Yet she is strong, maddeningly so sometimes, when she uses her strength against me. And why do I have to play this part which I so detest, sitting at Thomas’s table and trying not to look at his wife? Harry was well aware, in these negative conversations with Midge, of the deliberate far-sighted cunning with which he diminished Thomas, Thomas as old, Thomas as cold, Thomas as joyless and dull, watching as he did so hawklike for the tiniest signs of her impatience with her husband, her spite against him as the cause of her woe and the obstacle to her happiness. He would unravel Midge from Thomas, deftly and patiently undo him from her world, invent for her a past in which Thomas did not exist. For her to be able to make the break contempt, even hatred of her husband would be needed, would at least certainly be helpful: a terrible truth at which Harry tried to look calmly. So I am capable of cruelty, he thought, as well as treachery. And then, he wondered as he often did, whatever would Thomas do if he knew, or rather, as he corrected himself, what will he do when he knows? The man was a bit fey. A fierce primitive Scotsman with a dirk? A masochistic Jew? A fierce unforgiving scheming Jew? With Midge, Harry always pictured Thomas as weak, kindly, likely to accept a
fait accompli
with resignation, even perhaps with relief. Midge was afraid of her husband. This was something they never discussed. Harry carefully concealed the fact that he was afraid of him too: an unpredictable and dangerous man whom, this was the turn of the screw, Harry admired and loved. It was a part of what he sometimes thought of as his punishment that he had to live with this incompatible esteem, and refrain from expressing it to his beloved in any terms of praise. Thus he moved like a dancer between a steadying assurance that their secret life could continue, and the envisaging of its felicitous and inevitable end in a liberation into happiness and truth, between calming her into present enjoyment, and working her, edging her, startling her into a grasp of the future. When would he force it all into the open and carry Midge away in his troika? When would the moment come when, if all else failed, he could make her his wife by threatening to leave her? It was still too early for that. But the pressure must be kept up. The weekend. The love nest. Step by step, and each step inevitable.
fait accompli
with resignation, even perhaps with relief. Midge was afraid of her husband. This was something they never discussed. Harry carefully concealed the fact that he was afraid of him too: an unpredictable and dangerous man whom, this was the turn of the screw, Harry admired and loved. It was a part of what he sometimes thought of as his punishment that he had to live with this incompatible esteem, and refrain from expressing it to his beloved in any terms of praise. Thus he moved like a dancer between a steadying assurance that their secret life could continue, and the envisaging of its felicitous and inevitable end in a liberation into happiness and truth, between calming her into present enjoyment, and working her, edging her, startling her into a grasp of the future. When would he force it all into the open and carry Midge away in his troika? When would the moment come when, if all else failed, he could make her his wife by threatening to leave her? It was still too early for that. But the pressure must be kept up. The weekend. The love nest. Step by step, and each step inevitable.
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