The Golden Land (23 page)

‘Yes, I do, but those ideas sound wonderful, Jodie. Mark said that Vicki offered to help, too. And, god bless them, so have Mi Mi and Thi. They're such lovely people, and I've known them for such a short time. I know how little time you have, running the preschool, but you have been wonderful. I don't know what we would have done without you. I'm worried, too, that Mark won't get to spend much time with Andrew.'

‘I wouldn't fret about that,' said Jodie gently. ‘He'll bond with him later, don't worry. Your relationship with Andrew is the most important thing now and I think you need to be with the baby for your own peace of mind.'

‘I know. I'm trying to tell myself that Andrew is in limbo land, that he isn't aware of what's going on, like he's still tucked up in the womb.'

‘That's a good idea,' said Jodie. ‘He'll catch up, never fear.'

When Natalie left the hospital the next day, she felt drained. With the other two children, coming home had been joyful. Mark had carried the flowers and presents and she had carried a beautiful baby in her arms. But this time there was nothing to celebrate. Even the flowers from her mother and Steve had died and her arms were empty.

Nevertheless, Charlotte and Adam were thrilled to have their mother home, and expected life to get back to normal. Strangely, when Charlotte asked Natalie about the baby, she did not seem at all put out to hear that he was not coming home yet. She was absorbed in her own world of princesses and ballerinas. But as soon as Natalie headed out the door to drive to Brisbane for the first time, Charlotte burst into tears.

Natalie realised that she needed to explain to Charlotte about her new brother or this would happen each time she left for Brisbane. ‘I'll be home tonight, darling. I'm going up to Brisbane to see your new little brother. He's very tiny and he won't be allowed to come home until he's bigger. Daddy's here to look after you and we can make cupcakes for dessert,' cajoled Natalie. But Charlotte would not be consoled and as Natalie drove away leaving Mark to sort things out she felt very guilty.

The day didn't improve when she got a frantic text message from Mark that Adam wouldn't go down for his nap because he couldn't find his security rug.

I've ripped this house apart
, Mark texted.

Natalie gave him a list of places to look but she could sense his frustration when he wrote back,
I've looked everywhere. He won't go to sleep, won't stop crying and calling for his blanky.

Just cuddle him and hope he settles down, she sent back. The specialist is with Andrew now.

Call me when you can.

When she arrived home Natalie could hear Adam crying even before she opened the door.

‘Mummy,' squealed Charlotte in delight as soon as she saw her. Adam immediately gulped back his tears.

‘How's Andrew?'

‘They say he's doing as well as can be expected, whatever that means.' Natalie's face crumpled and she collapsed onto the sofa as the children scrambled into her lap.

‘He's going to be fine, Nat. You look exhausted, do you want a cup of tea?'

Natalie nodded. ‘Did you find Adam's little blanket?'

‘No. It's been a nightmare. Can't you get a duplicate and hide it? I don't want to go through this drama again,' Mark said, hurriedly scooping the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.

‘I'll look.' Natalie got up and went into Charlotte's bedroom and emerged a few minutes later with the blue blanket. Adam rushed to grab it from her.

‘Where was it?' demanded Mark.

‘In Charlotte's chest of drawers.'

‘I looked there!'

‘In the back.'

‘How did it get in the back?'

‘He sometimes stuffs his toys there.'

The rest of the evening passed with the distraction of dealing with dinner and settling the two children.

‘There's a movie on that you might like,' said Mark as they sat quietly in the lounge room. Natalie looked pale and drawn. This should have been the joyous time of being home with their newborn son, doting on him, discussing who he looked like, and holding him close. Natalie wrapped her arms around herself feeling empty and sad.

She shook her head. ‘You can watch it. Or a game, I don't care.'

‘I'm going to have a beer,' said Mark.

‘I'll have another cup of tea. I'm suddenly so tired,' said Natalie. ‘I think I'll have an early night.'

Before she went to bed she sat at the computer to check her emails.

Long-distance friends were being supportive on her Facebook page and there were lovely email messages from Mi Mi and Thi, who said Thomas had offered to come round and help in her garden, if she needed it. It was nice to know that she was not alone and that her friends were concerned for her and baby Andrew.

The next day Jodie called in on her way home from work, glad to find Natalie at home.

‘How're things? You look tired. Mark, too.'

‘We aren't sleeping well,' said Natalie.

‘I can imagine. It's a lot of stress,' agreed Jodie.

‘But thank you for all your help,' said Natalie quickly. ‘Want a coffee?'

‘I just popped in and I don't want to put you to any trouble. How does Mark like being a full-time at-home dad?'

‘He's coping okay,' said Natalie, smiling. ‘It's hard for all of us right now.'

‘I just wanted to bring you a little present. I saw these and thought they were so cute.'

She handed Natalie a small parcel wrapped in blue tissue with a card. Natalie opened the card and read what Jodie had written: ‘Hi, Andrew, and welcome! We're looking forward to meeting you and playing together.' It was signed Jodie, and her children had written their names in crayon. Natalie's eyes filled with tears as she unwrapped a pair of tiny blue sneakers with stars on their toes.

‘Oh, Jodie. They're adorable. They'll swim on him for a long time yet, even though they're so little. It's his first present! It's not like when I had the other two. It's almost as though people are too afraid to give me anything in case … I know that sounds crazy and I suppose that I can sort of understand it, but it makes me think that they see him as a non-person, just waiting to see what'll happen. You are so, so sweet. You don't know what this means to me,' said Natalie, reaching out to hug her friend.

‘I think I do,' said Jodie.

Two days later, with her breasts feeling taut and leaking painfully, Natalie drove back to the hospital and went to the unit where Andrew was being monitored. He was still in a humidicrib and hooked up to a drip. He was dressed and wrapped in a cotton blanket. His colour was good and, although his breathing was raspy, it didn't seem as laboured as it had been, nor did he struggle so much with each intake of breath.

‘How are you my darling little boy?' She put her hand through the opening and gently caressed him with her fingers.

A nurse came over to Natalie. ‘I'm Karen, I'm in charge of Andrew today.' She smiled. ‘Would you like to hold him for a minute?'

‘Yes, yes,' breathed Natalie.

Tenderly Andrew was lifted from the humidicrib and placed in Natalie's arms for the first time. She stroked his cheek, marvelling at his perfect little features and hands, although initially the lightness and smallness of him shocked her. Then he wiggled, seeming to make himself comfortable, and opened his eyes and looked straight at her. In that moment Natalie felt overwhelming love for her son. Bonding with him was not ever going to be a problem now.

‘My brave boy. What a trip you've had. It's going to be fine.' She looked at the nurse. ‘My milk is leaking. I'd love to be able to feed him.'

‘He's not strong enough to suck yet. But we'll get you to express your milk and he can have it by tube. Maybe, when he's stronger, you can try breastfeeding. Let's see how he goes. The doctors are pleased with his progress,' she said.

For Natalie, holding her son in her arms, nothing else mattered but this moment.

Days passed, and Mark and Natalie had the hospital routine down pat. Mark managed Charlotte and Adam during the day. Natalie knew that he didn't keep the house in the same clean state as she did, but she didn't criticise the mess. Some evenings Mark liked to go up to the Mater after Natalie had arrived home. He told Natalie how much he loved his little son and enjoyed holding him, even if just for a few minutes.

Natalie had been going to the Mater hospital for more than two weeks and was taking a morning tea break in the cafeteria. From her bag she pulled out the mail that she'd grabbed from the letterbox and started to go through it. Putting the bills to one side, she eagerly opened the blue envelope from Burma addressed to her in Princess Aye Aye's elegant handwriting.

Dear Mrs Cutler,

I thank you for your generous and beautiful letter. Thank you for your heartfelt expression of sympathy for the tragic and sad news of the death and hurt inflicted on our people. It is prudent I do not say more in this letter.

As you know, the kammavaca was given to my greataunt, the Princess Tipi Si, for safekeeping and the family has always been dismayed that her circumstances forced her to sell it, although I cannot blame her for that. I am not sure exactly why this particular kammavaca was of such great significance to King Thibaw, but it has always been known in my family that it was important. So I am very pleased by your very generous and kind promise to fulfil the wish of your great-great-uncle and see its safe return to my family. It shows me that you have the same high principles as Andrew Hancock.

Times are not easy in our country, but we all hold the hope that life will one day gives us the freedoms for which we pray at the feet of the Great One.

I send you my deepest thanks and look forward to the day when King Thibaw's kammavaca returns to Burma. Thank you for your kindness.

With metta and heartfelt thanks,

Aye Aye, former princess of Burma

‘Oh, Uncle Andrew, I do hope you're proud of me,' whispered Natalie.

She folded the letter and, feeling calmer and stronger than she had since the birth of Andrew, she finished her tea and returned to the vigil at her baby's side.

M
ARK WAS SETTLING INTO
a routine. The novelty of being at home with the children all the time had worn off and things had become easier. Each morning Natalie kissed them all goodbye after breakfast and headed out the door to drive to Brisbane in Mark's old work ute. She was home in the early evening to help Mark cope with lateafternoon tiredness, tantrums over toys and the juggling act of getting the dinner ready, bathtime and bed.

Mark, working in the kitchen, had revised his ideas about its renovation as he saw the more practical aspects of functioning in a space with small children. He realised that cooking utensils needed to be in easy reach, while childproof food storage was important and child-safe cupboards were paramount. He still took Charlotte and Adam to their favourite play centre, although infrequently, as he was now watching every dollar. Natalie's friends there had taken him under their collective wing and occasionally asked him for his opinion on whatever specific child-rearing issue was being discussed. Often Mark was the one asked to help with a problem stroller or to lift a child down from the top of the slippery dip when they changed their mind about going down the slide. He listened and sometimes joined in the women's discussions about local issues, sport and politics. He was pleased when they gave him hints for meals and snacks or recommended suitable children's books and DVDs.

Being part of this group was a far cry from the onedimensional working world at the mine where conversation was pretty much work-related. Even at mealtimes, Mark had found that not many of his co-workers wanted to sit and chat at length or in depth about other subjects. The easy warmth of Natalie's friends made him feel both welcome and supported.

‘Has the doctor given you any idea how much longer before we can bring Andrew home?' Mark asked Natalie one night. ‘I told human resources today I was going to need more time off.'

‘I think a few more weeks. He's gaining weight slowly. I tried breastfeeding him again today but he's still not strong enough to suck properly, so they'll continue tube feeding. The staff said it was going to be a slow process. But he's hanging in there. There are little improvements every day,' said Natalie. ‘I know it's hard, but what can we do?'

‘I haven't seen him for a couple of days. I'd like to go up sometime today and see his doctors as well,' said Mark. ‘Vicki offered to help out if we needed her. Maybe she could watch the kids after preschool and you and I could go up together. Or if you want a day off, I can take your milk up.'

‘No, I'll come with you. I like to feed him myself. So if it's okay with Vicki to mind the kids, we could go up to see Andrew together.'

Later that day at the hospital, the medical staff told them both that, although Andrew was improving, he was still struggling with some breathing problems. When the doctors left, Natalie and Mark sat quietly, Andrew resting in Mark's arms. Natalie gently stroked his tiny head. ‘When I hold Andrew now he seems more of a real person. I just feel overwhelmed with love for him. And not just him, Nat, but for you, Charlotte and Adam, too,' said Mark as Andrew wriggled and gave a little cry.

Mark was quiet on the way home. Natalie knew that he was concerned that Andrew's recovery was still a long haul. They were both worried about keeping their family functioning, the costs of preschool and other activities were mounting, not to mention the petrol to drive the ute up and down to Brisbane every day. They knew that Mark had to get back to work because their savings were running out fast.

One morning Mark was watching Adam and Charlotte at the playground. A small boy tried to push in front of Adam at the slippery dip and Adam objected. During the ensuing scuffle Mark's phone rang.

‘Hello—Calm down, Adam, it's your turn next. Charlotte, hold your skirt up, otherwise you're going to trip up the steps. Sorry, who is this? Oh, right, yes.' Watching Charlotte in her long skirt Mark wished he'd insisted on her wearing something more practical to play in. He was only partly listening to the voice of a woman from the mine's human resources unit.

‘I'm sorry, I'm with my children. Could you run that past me again?' As he listened, the colour drained from his face. ‘But you can't do that. I have a family to support. My son is very ill in hospital,' he started to explain. He could not believe what this woman was telling him. Then he stopped speaking and slowly rubbed his eyes. ‘I see. Yes. I understand, but it all seems very unfair to me.'

‘Daddy, Daddy, look at me!' Charlotte squealed as she slid down the slide.

But Mark found it hard to smile and appear enthusiastic as he absorbed this latest blow. The mine management had undertaken some redundancies and his position was one of those that had gone. He no longer had a job.

He didn't break the news to Natalie for several days, praying that he would find work quickly. But without a date for Andrew's release from hospital and no immediate offers of work, he had to tell her.

When the children were asleep, Mark asked Natalie to sit down and said, ‘Nat, we have to talk about where we're going from here. How we're going to manage.' He looked distracted and concerned.

‘Andrew is doing okay. At least now we know he will be coming home, even if not exactly when,' said Natalie.

‘I know, it's wonderful. But, darling, it's not going to be that easy.'

‘I know it's been hard for you,' began Natalie. ‘But once he's home, I'll manage the three of them when you go back to the mine. I know I will.'

‘Natalie, I haven't got a job to go back to,' blurted out Mark.

Natalie looked at him incredulously. ‘What do you mean?'

‘The mine let me go. They did a round of redundancies and my job was one of them.'

‘That is so unfair! How could they do that with everything we're going through?'

‘I know, Nat, but that's business, I guess. No place for sentiment. They just do what is best for the company and the investors. It had nothing to do with my being off work. It was just a coincidence.'

‘Mark, what are we going to do? What about a redundancy payout? Will you get anything?'

Mark shook his head. ‘I don't think so. I wasn't there very long. Not a full year. And I've used up my holiday pay.'

Natalie was struggling with this news. ‘Well, maybe losing the mining job's a blessing. You can get a job here, locally. Not as much money but it will be great to have you based here again,' she said, sounding almost relieved. ‘Especially when we bring little Andrew home.'

‘Nat, I've been asking around, and the building industry on the coast is quite depressed at present. There don't seem to be any jobs going.'

‘What about your mates? Tony and the others?' she asked in alarm.

‘I've been asking. Things are tight. My mates all say that if anything comes up, they'll keep me in mind,' he added. ‘I'll start looking further afield.'

‘Are there any mining jobs going?' she asked, feeling slightly desperate.

‘I'm looking, but there doesn't seem to be anything right now. I guess with the downturn here, more tradies are applying to go out west. And, anyway, what can I promise companies when I don't know how long it will be before I can start?'

Natalie's mind was whirling. She was trying to think laterally, trying to stem her rising panic. ‘Mark, you're such a good electrician, you've never had trouble getting work before.'

‘I know, but it seems that times are tougher than they've been and it might take a while to get a job. Even a FIFO one. But what do we do in the meantime? We've used up our immediate savings and the mortgage won't wait.'

‘Then we have to use the savings we've put aside for the major renovations. I know that I had my heart set on doing them, but I understand that we can't.'

‘You're sure? I know how much you want to fix this place up.'

‘We can't do it without an income, so we'll just have to bite the bullet till you get work.'

Natalie was surprised by how easy the decision was but she knew it was only a short-term solution to their problems. She remained deeply concerned about their financial and future prospects and she knew Mark was, too.

After weeks of travelling up to Brisbane each day, Natalie finally conceded that she needed a day to herself and Mark went to Brisbane to visit Andrew on his own. She sent Charlotte and Adam to preschool as usual although she didn't know how much longer they would be able to afford it. Natalie decided to make the most of having the time to drive into the hinterland to see Thi. When she arrived, Thomas was in Thi's front garden planting some herbs.

‘Natalie! What a nice surprise! I've come to see Thi and now she's got me gardening. Her husband is away at present so I'm happy to lend a hand. Come in. She didn't tell me she was expecting you.'

‘She doesn't know. I just decided to go for a drive while the kids are in preschool. I need a bit of a break.'

‘Yes, I have heard that it's been very difficult for you,' said Thomas. ‘How is your little Andrew? Let us go and make some English tea. Thi has made some biscuits. She'll be back shortly.'

‘She's certainly a multitalented cook. Do you know how the markets are going?' said Natalie.

‘Very well, Thi tells me,' said Thomas laughing. ‘This weather, good rain, lots of sunshine, has been good for the gardeners. I'm sure she'll make you take home some fresh vegetables and fruit, and of course some flowers. How is your husband?'

‘He's good but it's been an adjustment looking after the house and the children. I've been spending every day at the hospital in Brisbane. But today he's sitting with Andrew, so while I have a couple of hours to myself I decided to drive out here. We hope the baby will be coming home in a few weeks.'

‘That's wonderful news!' exclaimed Thi, coming into the kitchen and giving Natalie a hug. ‘You look tired, but it's wonderful to see you.'

‘Yes, I feel tired, but I thought a trip to the lovely countryside out here, and to see you, would be good for me. Bit spur of the moment, I hope you don't mind.'

‘Of course not! Bring the children next time.'

‘I will. They would enjoy it. Thi, it seems ages since I've seen you. Before the Saffron Revolution.'

‘Such a terrible thing. You saw footage of it on TV? I spoke to Mi Mi yesterday. There are some awful stories coming out. The monks, as well as the ordinary people, have lost their rights under military rule. The military can arrest and kill anyone at any time. There is no law in our country. They arrested the monks and people for praying for the wellbeing of others.' Thi shook her head. ‘Some of the monasteries are still surrounded by soldiers so that the monks can't go out and demonstrate, but neither can they go on their morning rounds with their alms bowls asking for food.'

‘I saw some photos in the paper of some of the monks marching with their bowls upside down. What does that mean?' asked Natalie.

‘The monks hold the moral and spiritual authority in Burma, even though the country is ruled by the military, so the junta has always tried to establish its credibility and legitimacy by acknowledging the monks' religious position. By holding their bowls upside down, the monks were symbolically rejecting alms from the military, and excommunicating the soldiers from the spirituality that is the core of Burmese life,' explained Thi.

‘So the monks were trying to make the point without confrontation?' said Natalie.

‘Except, of course, with the junta that is impossible,' said Thomas sadly. ‘These demonstrations will have ramifications for a long time to come.'

‘They said on the news that people were protesting because fuel prices went up very sharply,' said Natalie.

‘Oh, the craziness of the generals. They have no idea how to run Burma's economy except to benefit themselves. Do you know that they stole land from poor farmers in order to start building a new capital city called Naypyidaw? Burma doesn't need a new expensive capital in the middle of nowhere,' added Thi.

‘Perhaps this Saffron Revolution has lit a small fire in the hearts of people outside Burma,' said Thomas.

‘I was really shocked and upset at what I saw on TV, and now, from what you say, what I saw was only a small part of the protests,' said Natalie. ‘In fact, I was so moved I wanted to help in some way. Mi Mi told me that she knows Princess Aye Aye, King Thibaw's granddaughter, and so I decided to return my kammavaca to her. I think that it should be back in Burma with its rightful owners, so, I'm completing Uncle Andrew's original mission and that feels important, too.'

Thi put down her cup and reached out to cover Natalie's hand with hers. ‘That is a very special gesture. It will mean a lot to people in Burma when they hear about it.'

While they talked some more, Natalie felt herself relaxing for the first time in many weeks.