The Gods Themselves (12 page)

Losten looked pleased. "Good! The curiosity is useful, the fear useless. Your inner development is excellent, Odeen, and remember it is only your inner development that counts in the important things. Our help to you is marginal. Since you want to know, it is easy to tell you that the unoccupied caverns are truly unoccupied. They are empty. There is nothing in them but the unimportant things left behind in times past."

"Left behind by whom, Hard-sir?" Odeen felt uneasily compelled to use the honorific whenever he was too obviously in the presence of knowledge he lacked that the other had.

"By those who occupied them in times past. There was a time thousands of cycles ago when there were many thousands of Hard Ones and millions of Soft Ones. There are fewer of us now than there were in the past, Odeen. Nowadays there are not quite three hundred Hard Ones and fewer than ten thousand Soft Ones."

"Why?" said Odeen, shocked. .(Only three_ hundred Hard Ones left. This was surely an open admission that Hard Ones passed on, but this was not the time to think of that.)

"Because energy is diminishing. The Sun is cooling. It .becomes harder in every cycle to give birth and to live."

(Well, then, did not that mean the Hard Ones gave birth, too? And did it mean that the Hard Ones depended on the Sun for food, too, and not on rocks? Odeen filed the thought away and dismissed it for now.)

"Will this continue?" Odeen asked.

"The Sun must dwindle to an end, Odeen, and someday give no food."

"Does that mean that all of us, the Hard Ones and the Soft Ones, too, will pass on?"

"What else can it mean?"

"We can't all pass on. If we need energy and the Sun is coming to an end, we must find other sources. Other stars."

"But," Odeen, all the stars are coming to an end. The Universe is coming to an end."

"If the stars come to an end, is there no food elsewhere? No other source of energy?"

"No, all the energy-sources in all the Universe are coming to an end."

Odeen considered that rebelliously, then said, "Then other Universes. We can't give up just because the Universe does." He was palpitating as he said it. He had expanded with quite unforgivable discourtesy until he had swelled translucently into a size distinctly larger than the Hard One.

But Losten merely expressed extreme pleasure. He said, "Wonderful, my left-dear. The others must hear of this."

Odeen had collapsed to normal size in mingled embarrassment and pleasure at hearing himself addressed as "left-dear," a phrase he had never heard anyone use to him—except Tritt, of course.

It had not been very long after that that Liston himself had brought them Dua. Odeen had wondered, idly, if there had been any connection, but after a while wonder burned itself out. Tritt had repeated so often that it was his own approach to Losten that had brought them Dua, that Odeen gave up thinking about it. It was too confusing.

But now he was coming to Losten again. A long time had passed since those earlier days when he first learned that the Universe was coming to an end and that (as it turned out) the Hard Ones were resolutely laboring to live on anyway. He himself had become adept in many fields and Losten confessed that in physics there was little he could any longer teach Odeen that a Soft One could profitably learn. And there were other young Rationals to take in hand, so he did not see Losten as frequently as he once did.

Odeen found Losten with two half-grown Rationals in the Radiation Chamber. Losten saw him at once through the glass and came out, closing the door carefully behind him.

"My left-dear," he said, holding out his limbs in a gesture of friendship (so that Odeen, as so often in the past, experienced a perverse desire to touch, but controlled it). "How are you?"

"I did not mean to interrupt, Losten-sir."

"Interrupt? Those two will get along perfectly well by themselves for a time. They are probably glad to see me go, for I am sure I weary them with over-much talk."

"Nonsense," said Odeen. "You always fascinated me and I'm sure you fascinate them."

"Well, well. It is good of you to say so. I see you frequently in the library, and I hear from others that you do well in your advanced courses, and that makes me miss my best student. How is Tritt? Is he as Parentally stubborn in his ways as ever?"

"More stubborn every day. He gives strength to the triad."

"And Dua?"

"Dua? I have come— She is very unusual, you know."

Losten nodded, "Yes, I know that." His expression was one that Odeen had grown to associate with melancholy.

Odeen waited a moment, then decided to tackle the matter directly. He said, "Losten-sir, was she brought to us, to Tritt and myself, just because she was unusual?"

Losten said, "Would you be surprised? You are very unusual yourself, Odeen, and you have told me on a number of occasions that Tritt is."

"Yes," said Odeen, with conviction. "He is."

"Then oughtn't your triad include an unusual Emotional?"

"There are many ways of being unusual," said Odeen, thoughtfully. "In some ways, Dua's odd ways displease Tritt and worry me. May I consult you?"

"Always."

"She is not fond of—of melting."

Losten listened gravely; to all appearances unembarrassed.

Odeen went on. "She is fond of melting when we melt, that is, but it is not always easy to persuade her to do so."

Losten said, "How does Tritt feel about melting? I mean, aside from the immediate pleasure of the act? What does it mean to him besides pleasure?"

"The children, of course," said Odeen. "I like them and Dua likes them, too, but Tritt is the Parental. Do you understand that?" (It suddenly seemed to Odeen that Losten couldn't possibly understand all the subtleties of the triad.)

"I try to understand," said Losten. "It seems to me, then, that Tritt gets more out of melting than melting alone. And how about yourself? What do you get out of it besides the pleasure?"

Odeen considered. "I think you know that A kind of mental stimulation."

"Yes, I know that, but I want to make sure
you
know. I want to make sure you haven't forgotten. You have told me often that when you come out of a period of melting, with its odd loss of time—during which I admit I sometimes didn't see you for rather long periods—that suddenly you found yourself understanding many things that had seemed obscure before."

"It was as though my mind remained active in the interval," said Odeen. "It was as though there was time which, even though I was unaware of its passing and unconscious of my existence, was necessary to me; during which I could think more deeply and intensely, without the distraction of the less intellectual side of life."

"Yes," agreed Losten, "and you'd come back with a quantum-jump in understanding. It is a common thing among you Rationals, though I must admit no one improved in such great jumps as you did. I honestly think no Rational in history did so."

"Really?" said Odeen, trying not to seem unduly elated.

"On the other hand, I may be wrong"—and Losten seemed slightly amused at the other's sudden loss of shimmer—"but never mind that. The point is that you, like Tritt, get something out of the melt beside the melt itself."

"Yes. Most certainly."

"And what does Dua get out of the melt besides the melt?"

There was a long pause. "I don't know," said Odeen.

"Have you never asked her?"

"Never."

"But then," said Losten, "if all she gets out of a melt is the melt, and if you and Tritt get out of it the melt plus something else, why should she be as eager for it as you two are?"

"Other Emotionals don't seem to require—" began Odeen, defensively.

"Other Emotionals aren't like Dua. You've told me that often enough and, I think, with satisfaction."

Odeen felt ashamed. "I had thought it might be something else."

"What might that be?"

"It's hard to explain. We know each other in the triad; we sense each other; in some ways, all three of us are part of a single individual. A misty individual that comes and goes. Mostly it's unconscious. If we think about it with too great a concentration, we lose it, so we can never get real detail. We—" Odeen stopped rather hopelessly. "It's hard to explain the triad to someone—"

"Nevertheless, I am trying to understand. You think you have caught a portion of Dua's inner mind; something she has tried to keep secret, is that it?"

"I'm not sure. It is the vaguest impression, sensed with a corner of my mind just now and then."

"Well?"

"I sometimes think Dua doesn't want to have a baby-Emotional."

Losten looked at him gravely. "You only have two children so far, I think. A little-left and a little-right."

"Yes, only two. The Emotional is difficult to initiate, you know."

"I know."

"And Dua will not trouble to absorb the necessary energy. Or even try to. She has any number of reasons but I can't believe any of them. It seems to me that for some reason she just doesn't want an Emotional. For myself—if Dua really didn't want one for a while—well, I would let her have her way. But Tritt is a Parental, and he wants one; he must have one; and somehow I can't disappoint Tritt, not even for Dua."

"If Dua had some rational cause for not wanting to initiate an Emotional, would that make a difference with you?"

"With me, certainly, but not with Tritt. He doesn't understand such things."

"But would you labor to keep him patient?"

"Yes, I would, for as long as I could."

Losten said, "Has it occurred to you that hardly any Soft Ones"—here he hesitated as though searching for a word and then he used the customary Soft-One phrase— "ever pass on before the children are born—all three, with the baby-Emotional last."

"Yes, I know." Odeen wondered how Losten could possibly think him ignorant of so elementary a bit of knowledge.

"Then the birth of a baby-Emotional is equivalent to the coming of time to pass on."

"Usually, not till the Emotional is old enough—"

"But the time for passing on will be coming. Might it not be that Dua does not want to pass on?"

"How can that be, Losten? When the time comes to pass on, it is as when the time comes to melt. How can you not want to?" (Hard Ones didn't melt; perhaps they didn't understand.)

"Suppose Dua simply wants never to pass on? What would you then say?"

"Why, that we
must
pass on eventually. If Dua merely wants to delay the last baby, I might humor her and even persuade Tritt to, perhaps. If she wants never to have it— that simply cannot be allowed."

"Why so?"

Odeen paused to think it out. "I can't say, Losten-sir, but I know we must pass on. I know it more and feel it more with each cycle, and sometimes I almost think I understand why."

"You are a philosopher, I sometimes think, Odeen," said Losten dryly. "Let's consider. By the time the third baby comes and grows, Tritt will have had all his children and can look forward to passing on after a fulfilled life. You yourself will have had the satisfaction of much learning and you, too, can pass on after a fulfilled life. But Dua?"

"I don’t
know"
said Odeen, wretchedly. "Other Emotionals cling together all lifelong and seem to get some pleasure out of chattering with each other. Dua, however, will not do that."

"Well, she is unusual. Is there nothing she likes?"

"She likes to listen to me talk about my work," mumbled Odeen.

Losten said, "Well, don't be ashamed of that, Odeen. Every Rational talks about his work to his right and his mid. You all pretend you don't, but you all do."

Odeen said, "But Dua
listens,
Losten-sir."

"I'm quite sure she does. Not like other Emotionals. And does it ever seem to you that she understands rather better after a melt?"

"Yes, I have noticed that at times. I didn't particularly pay any attention, though—"

"Because you are sure Emotionals can't really understand these things. But there seems to be considerable of the Rational in Dua."

(Odeen looked up at Losten with sudden consternation. Once Dua had told him of her childhood unhappiness; only once; of the shrill calls of the other Emotionals; of the filthy name they had called her—Left-Em. Had Losten heard of that, somehow? . . . But he was only looking calmly at Odeen.)

Odeen said, "I have sometimes thought that, too." Then he burst out, "I am
proud
of her for that,"

"Nothing wrong with that," said Losten. "Why not tell her so?
And
if she likes to pamper the Rationalness in herself, why not let her? Teach her what you know more intensively. Answer her questions. Will it disgrace your triad to do that?"

"I don't care if it does.... And why should it, anyway? Tritt will think it a waste of time, but I'll handle him."

"Explain to him that if Dua gets more out of life and a truer sense of fulfillment, she might not have the fear of passing on that she now has and might be more ready to have a baby-Emotional."

It was as though an enormous feeling of impending disaster had been lifted from Odeen. He said, hurriedly, "You're right. I feel you're right. Losten-sir, you understand so much. With you leading the Hard Ones, how can we fail to continue succeeding in the other-Universe project?"

"With me?" Losten was amused. "You forget it is Estwald who is guiding us now. He is the real hero of the project. It would be nowhere without him."

"Oh, yes," said Odeen, momentarily discomfited. He had never yet seen Estwald. In fact, he had not yet met a Soft One who had actually met him though some reported having seen him in the distance now and then. Estwald was a new Hard One; new, at least, in the sense that when Odeen had been young, he had never heard him mentioned. Didn't that mean that Estwald was a young Hard One, had been a child Hard One when Odeen had been a child Soft One?

But never mind that. Right now, Odeen wanted to get back home. He couldn't touch Losten in gratitude, but he could thank him again and then hasten away joyfully.

There was a selfish component to his joy. It was not just the distant prospect of the baby-Emotional and the thought of Tritt's pleasure. It was not even the thought of Dua's fulfillment. What counted with him at this very moment was the immediate gleeful prospect ahead. He was going to be able to teach. No other Rational could feel the pleasure of so doing, he was sure, for no other Rational could possibly have an Emotional like Dua as part of the triad.