The Goddess Test (20 page)

“Yes,” he said. “I apologize for the way I reacted that morning. I was not angry at you, I was angry—” He stopped, fury briefly contorting his face, but when I blinked, his expression was blank. “It was not your fault. It was a tainted drink, nothing more.”

“Even if I failed, I still love you, you know.” Several seconds passed, and when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything in reply, I closed my eyes and sighed. My body screamed for sleep, and with my mind numb from the loss of my mother, I was sure that any attempt to resist would be lost.

I couldn’t be sure, but as I found the edge of consciousness, his voice reached me, gentle and warm and everything I so badly needed to hear.

“I love you, too.”

For the next week, Henry stayed by my side. Whatever was in the sweet tonic Walter kept pouring down my throat worked, and I spent most of the time asleep. Eventually the nightmares faded, but I still woke up gasping, unable to forget what the freezing water of the river felt like as it closed in around me.

The pain of my mother’s death didn’t dull, but I slowly managed to accept that it would be there for a long time, and wallowing in misery when I was supposed to be healing would only hurt Henry. It would be an insult to the gift she’d given me to ignore what she wanted for me, and the past six months had prepared me for this. They’d given me the chance to say goodbye in a way I would have never been able to do without Henry. Even though it hurt just as much, there was a kind of peace inside of me that wouldn’t have otherwise been there. I held on to the hope that if the council decided to accept me despite what had happened between me and Henry, that I would one day be able to visit her, to talk to her and walk with her again. Death wasn’t the end; Ava was proof of that. But I still mourned her. I still missed her.

I had a steady stream of visitors. At first it was Henry and
Walter, but after I insisted, Ava was allowed into my room as well. The moment she saw me, she flew to the side of my bed, her eyes red and puffy.

“Kate! Oh, God, you’re all right—they said you were okay, but I was afraid they were just saying that ’cause you know how people can be, but you’re really here and awake and oh, my God.”

She wrapped her arms around me so loosely that I could barely tell they were there, but I didn’t care if it hurt a little. I hugged her as tightly as I could and then spent the next thirty seconds paying for it. Pain shot through me, reaching all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes, but it was worth it.

“I’m sorry!” she said, flushing deeply as I gasped. On the other side of the bed, Henry looked worried, but by now he was used to me overexerting myself. As long as my stitches didn’t start to bleed, everything was fine.

“Don’t,” I said once I could talk again. “I wanted to hug you. I am so monumentally sorry for everything. For yelling at you about Theo, for saying all that awful stuff to you—you didn’t deserve it, any of it.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “It doesn’t matter. You were right—I was being an idiot. But you’re alive! You’re going to make it, and I won’t be stuck here without my best friend.” She gave me a look she must’ve intended to be stern, but it made me smile. “You know, none of this would’ve happened if you had let me teach you how to swim.”

“Yeah, you were right on that,” I said, ignoring the part where I’d been stabbed before being thrown into the river. I doubted it’d matter much to Ava. “Tell you what—once Henry says I’m all right, we can find someplace on the grounds and you can teach me how.”

The grin on Ava’s face was more than worth whatever it would cost me to get into the water again.

After she left that afternoon, Henry and I played cards. Even though I was recovering, I was still destroying him, but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he seemed to enjoy having his backside handed to him, and I was more than happy to oblige.

“I’m going to miss you over the summer,” I said after winning my fifth game in a row. “And beating you at Jacks.”

Henry eyed me as he shuffled the deck. “I will miss you as well.” There was a note of finality in his voice that frightened me. I held out hope that the council would understand and see that sleeping together hadn’t been our fault, but had he spent the past week preparing to say goodbye to me?

“Henry?” I said softly. “Can we play pretend for a little while?”

He didn’t look at me. “Of course.”

I took a deep breath. “Can I visit sometime? I mean, I know I’m supposed to be going out and exploring the world, getting an education, passing high school, all of that, but I figured maybe if I wind up staying in Eden, I could stop by every now and then before September.”

Henry hesitated. “I meant to wait until after the meeting with the council to discuss this with you.”

“Discuss what with me?”

“Your freedom.” He looked up at me, and I stilled. “After all you have been through on account of me, I could not possibly ask you to return in the fall, no matter the council’s decision.”

I tried to hide my hurt, but there was a flash in his eyes that made it clear he noticed. “You don’t want me to come back?”

“If I had my way, you would never leave. But that was not our bargain—and more than that, you have endured a great many hardships because of me. I do not wish to further make your life miserable by forcing you to return. So I am offering you your freedom, no matter what the council decides. Your permanent freedom.”

It took me several seconds to understand what he was saying. He wanted me here, but he felt guilty—because of what? Because of what Calliope did? “But I want to come back,” I blurted, the thought of never seeing him again making my heart race. Maybe he didn’t get it, but Eden Manor was all I had left. “What am I supposed to do if you don’t let me come back? You and Ava and Ella and Sofia and—and—”

I faltered, too choked up to continue, and wiped my eyes. Abandoning his cards, Henry brushed the back of his hand against my cheek. “If you wish to come back, then I would like that very much. It is your choice to make, and that you would choose staying here over living your life…I cannot tell you what that means to me.”

“But I
am
living my life,” I said miserably. “And I can live my life with you, too. Just because it’s a little unconventional doesn’t mean it isn’t as good as everything else that’s out there. Better, even. Tons better.”

He hesitated. “You are very kind, and it means the world to me that you think that. But if I may say this and hope you do not take it to be any sort of slight…you were not living, Kate. Not with me and not in the real world. You were waiting for your mother to die, and now that that has happened—”

“Now that she’s gone, the only thing I have left is this place, and the only person I have left is you,” I said. “It’ll take more than a knife-wielding murderer to make me give you up.”

Instead of fighting me on it, his face broke out into the first real smile I’d seen from him since I’d died. “Good, then the feeling is mutual.” He held up the deck of cards. “Shall we? I hear the sixth time is the charm.”

I rolled my eyes. “Maybe you’ll win when hell freezes over.”

He raised an eyebrow. “That could easily be arranged.”

When the council convened the day before the spring equinox, I still wasn’t healed enough to walk on my own. It took both Ava and Ella to help me dress, and by the time we were done, I was so exhausted that I wanted to crawl back into bed.

“Maybe they could wait another day,” said Ava, biting her lip as she eyed me. I sat in the armchair Henry usually occupied, cradling my head in my hands.

“No,” I said with a grimace. “I’m fine. Just give me a minute, would you?”

They’d forced me to wear a white dress, and I was too afraid of popping a stitch to move. The only good thing about these injuries was that a corset was out of the question, but that meant there was very little padding between the fabric and my bandages. One wrong move and I’d be standing in front of the council with my chest covered in blood.

“Would you like me to fetch Henry?” said Ella. She was still keeping her distance from Ava, but since the river incident, she seemed to be making an effort to tolerate her. It probably didn’t help that Theo and Ava were back together again, but Ella was putting on a brave face. I had to give her credit for that.

“No need,” said a deep voice. I pulled my face away from my
hands enough to see Henry standing in the doorway. “Girls, you are dismissed.”

They scattered quickly, although Ava paused to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Good luck,” she whispered, and then she was gone.

Henry was by my side before I could sit up straight. “Are you well?”

“I feel like I’m going to puke.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “As do I.” He offered me a hand and I took it, relying on him for balance as I stood. There was no way I was going to make it all the way to the ballroom, where the meeting would be held.

“Do I have to wear shoes?” I said, glancing at the heels Ava had picked out for me.

“Your gown is long enough that the hem should hide your bare feet,” said Henry. He hesitated, then said in a low voice, “Kate, are you sure?”

“Sure I don’t want to wear shoes? Yes. I can barely walk.”

“No, I mean—are you certain that you do not wish to take me up on my offer?”

Never seeing Henry again or returning to Eden. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less. “Positive,” I said, leaning against him. “If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late. I’m not exactly in any shape to be sprinting down the hallway.”

“Do not worry about that.” He brushed his warm fingertips against my cheek. “You understand the consequences of passing and failing?”

“If I fail, I go back to the real world with my memory wiped.” And Henry would fade into nothingness. “If I succeed, I hang out here with you for six months a year.”

“For eternity, unless you wish to end your life,” said Henry.
“You will forever stay as you are today, and you will be granted immortality by the council. It is not an easy thing, immortality. You will form connections with mortals, and you will live well beyond their lifetimes. There will never be an end. Your life will be continuous, and eventually you will lose touch with humanity. You will forget what it was to be alive.”

The thought of forever was daunting—it took away the one certainty in life, and that was death. But what good did dying bring? All it brought was pain, and I’d had enough of that to last me the next thousand lifetimes or so.

“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing my best friend is already dead, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” he said dully. “You are quite lucky.”

“No one ever said this was going to be easy,” I said. “I know that.”

“Indeed,” he said, his eyes focused on something I couldn’t see. “And you do understand that success also means that you and I will be married?”

I didn’t know if the shiver that ran down my spine was out of excitement or nerves. “Yeah, I sort of picked up on that. You don’t mind, do you? I mean, I know it’s a little fast and all.”

He cracked a smile. “No, I do not mind. Do you?”

Did I? I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s wife or queen, but it meant I would get to keep him. He’d said that I would be free to be with others and live my own life during my six months away if I wanted, and while I couldn’t imagine finding anyone who could compare to him, it helped alleviate the feeling of being trapped. I shook my head. “Just as long as you don’t make me wear a dress for the ceremony.”

Henry gave me a look. “Why do you believe you are dressed in white?”

“Oh.” I made a face. “That’s not very fair, you know.”

“Yes, I know.” He wrapped his arm around me, the weight of it familiar and comforting. “Now we must leave, else we truly will be late. Close your eyes.”

I did as I was told, wishing my stomach would stop doing somersaults long enough for me to get through this without ruining my gown. When I opened them, we were in the ballroom. It was empty, except for fourteen magnificent thrones arranged in a circle, all from the ball in September. Each was unique: some were made of wood, and others of stone, silver or gold. One looked like it was even made out of branches and vines, but I couldn’t get close enough to get a good look.

Waiting for me in the center was a padded stool. We appeared only a few feet away from it, and Henry helped me to it and didn’t let go of my hand until I was settled. “Comfortable?” he said.

I nodded, and he pressed his lips to my forehead for a lingering moment. “No matter what happens, I will always be there for you, even if you do not remember who I am.”

As his eyes searched mine, I forced a small smile, too nervous to really try. Beneath me the lace of the cushion was irritating, but I didn’t trust myself to move. “There’s no way they could make me forget you,” I said. “No matter what they do to me.”

I saw a glimpse of the sadness in his eyes before he looked away and stepped back. “I will see you shortly,” he said. “Do not move.”

I blinked, and he was gone. I examined the thrones to keep me busy, trying to figure out what the owners might be like. The largest one, looking like it was shaped out of glass, sat directly in front of me. Seeing all fourteen circled around me
made my heart pound and my palms sweat, and I fought to keep myself as calm as I could. Instead I looked around, trying to figure out which one belonged to James. Not the one made of seashells. Silver or gold, perhaps, or maybe the one that glowed like an ember.

Thinking about James gave me a headache, so instead I closed my eyes. This was it. There were no more chances and nothing I could do to change the council’s mind. The thought was strangely comforting, knowing that whatever they’d had in store for me was over. For better or for worse, I’d survived. Barely.

But my mother hadn’t, and losing her darkened everything I did now. It felt wrong to be here knowing she was alone. She was the most important thing in my life, and to think about something other than missing her—it felt like a betrayal. I hadn’t moved on, not after only a week, and I was afraid she thought I had.

It was stupid and I knew it—this was what she’d wanted for me, wasn’t it? Would she still be proud of me if I failed? Would she still have given her life for mine if she’d known it wouldn’t do any good?

Of course she would have. She loved me just as much as I loved her. Death didn’t change that, and neither did failure. But I would pass if I could, if I had any chances left. For her and for Henry.

The sound of faint yelling pulled me away from my thoughts. A door on the left side of the ballroom burst open, and Henry stormed inside.

“No,” he said, anger saturating his voice. “I made her a promise, and I have no intention of breaking it.”

“It was not your promise to make.” I tried to see the owner
of the second voice, but he was blocked by a throne that looked as if it were full of water. “She is one of us, and she will stay.”