The Giving Season (18 page)

Jessy folded her arms tightly over her chest, looking as if she were trying to hold herself together. “You understand why I have to do this, don’t you?”

Michael studied her for a few moments, slowly shaking his head. “No,” he finally said, voice little more than a whisper. “But it’s your choice to make. You know how I feel.”

Jessy half-smiled at that, the gesture completely humorless. “That’s part of the problem, isn’t it?”

Michael took a deep breath, one hand gripping the doorknob. He wasn’t quite able to make himself leave just yet. Not without one last gambit.

“The kids are going to miss the hell out of you,” he said quietly.

“I’ll miss them, too.” Jessy felt her eyes burning again and looked up to the ceiling, fighting the tears away. “Don’t do this, Michael.”

“Do what?”

“Don’t try to use the kids.”

“I’m not—” Michael caught the frustration in his voice and stopped himself. “What am I supposed to tell them tomorrow?” he asked in a more tempered tone. “What do I tell them when they ask where you’re going—or
why
you’re going?”

Jessy shook her head, digging a hand through her hair as she turned away from him. “I don’t know.”

“It’s almost time to put them to bed,” Michael said quietly, opening the door again. “If you want to cancel your cab, I’ll drive you out to town tonight. You might want to spend a little time with the kids—since tomorrow—”

Michael’s voice trailed away when he realized that Jessy wasn’t going to turn back to him again. With a faint nod he ducked out of the room, closing the door quietly.

Jessy waited until she heard the click of the latch before she finally allowed herself to cry.

Jessy held out as long as she could.
Then the sounds of Ben and Marie’s laughter got the best of her and she peeked out into the hallway, towards the bathroom. Michael stood in the doorway, a towel slung over his shoulder as he refereed a waterfight between Ben and Marie. He smiled, but Jessy could see that it was forced. If he felt half as bad as she felt, smiling was the last thing he felt like doing.

“Okay,” Michael said and stepped into the bathroom. His voice carried into the hallway. “Now how about trying this again—and using some toothpaste this time?”

Jessy stepped out of her bedroom, regretting each step she took but helpless to stop herself. Rationally, she knew that helping Michael put the kids to bed would only make things harder for herself. She’d feel like she was being drawn into the family, accepted into their lives, and then tomorrow morning would come and she’d climb onto that bus and feel like she was leaving her heart behind. Time spent with Michael and the kids would only end up hurting her in the long run.

But she wasn’t listening to rationality. She was listening to the sound of Ben and Marie splashing water at each other as Michael struggled to see that they brushed their teeth. She was listening to the sound of Libby’s muffled laughter as she huddled in her room with the phone. She was listening to the sound of Lyssa’s voice as she sang Christmas songs off-tune and rustled wrapping paper downstairs.

She was listening to all the things she knew she’d miss once she was on her own again. Was it so wrong for her to want to enjoy them just a little longer?

Jessy leaned against the door frame, smiling despite herself as she watched Michael kneel down beside Ben and gently wipe toothpaste foam from the boy’s mouth. He did the same for Marie, who immediately burbled out another chinful as she giggled. Laughing, Michael covered her face with the towel and pulled her into a bearhug.

“You guys have the hygiene of piglets,” he said as he pulled Ben into the embrace, lifting him under one arm and Marie under the other. They immediately began oinking. Jessy laughed and quickly covered her mouth with her hand. She’d hoped to sneak away unnoticed.

Too late.

“Hey,” Michael said, grinning as he hefted the kids under his arms and got them giggling again. For a moment, it was as though nothing had happened between them. Jessy was more than willing to leave it at that.

“Hi,” she said softly, still smiling. “You look like you could use some help.”

“Always.” He tipped her a quick wink and then looked to Ben and Marie. “You two rugrats ready for bed?”

“No!” They yelled in unison.

Michael grinned at Jessy again. “Told you. I need help.”

“Then maybe I’d better stick around for a while.”

The words carried more meaning than she’d intended, but Michael let it pass. His smile slanted slightly as he nodded. “Yeah— maybe you’d better.”

Without saying anything more, Michael turned his attention back to the kids, carrying them down the hall to their bedroom as Jessy followed. Ben and Marie giggled almost deliriously as Michael pretended to lose his grip and drop them.

“Okay, munchkins—end of the road,” Michael said as he entered their bedroom, depositing Ben on his bed with a bounce.

“Can I brush your hair?” Marie asked, grabbing a pink plastic brush from her nightstand.  “Please, Daddy?”

Michael glanced to Jessy—who arched an eyebrow and smiled faintly—and then nodded, grinning, to Marie. “Okay, sweetpea. Scooch down.”

Marie did as told, tucking her feet beneath her flannel gown as Michael sat cross-legged in front of her. She began to gently brush his thick black hair, careful not to pull or tangle. She carefully clipped plastic pink bow-shaped barrettes into his hair, making tiny ponytails that stood at end all over his head. Jessy covered her smile with her hand as Michael patiently endured.

“Might as well come on in,” Michael said and smiled at Jessy. “You’re making me nervous standing there in the doorway.”

Jessy’s own smile slid away as she cleared her throat. “I, uh—I really should be getting to bed. I just wanted to say goodnight—“

“Will you stay and tell us a story?” Ben asked.

Michael saw the indecision in Jessy’s eyes. She wavered for a moment, then stepped into the bedroom, moving awkwardly as she sat on the edge of Ben’s bed. Ben was immediately hanging onto her shoulders, arms wrapped around her neck.

“What’s the matter, Jessy?” Marie asked, frowning faintly. “You look sad.”

Jessy helplessly glanced to Michael, who raised his eyebrows but remained silent. No help there, although it was hard to take him seriously with so many pink bows in his hair.

“I’m not—sad,” she said, trying an unconvincing smile. “I’m just sleepy. It’s past my bedtime.”

Ben swung around her shoulders and plopped into her lap. “Do you want Daddy to tell you a bedtime story, too? He’s real good at it.”

Jessy’s smile softened as she gazed at Ben, and then to Michael and Marie. “I’m sure he is.”

“Or he can sing to you,” Marie said, leaning against Michael’s back. He reached back to wrap his arms around her and lifted her over his head and onto his legs as she giggled.

“He sings, too?” Jessy’s gaze held Michael’s a moment longer, her smile growing a little stronger.

“Yeah,” Marie said and nodded. “But he doesn’t sing real good.”

“Thanks a lot, chatterbox.” Michael growled and planted a sloppy kiss against Marie’s neck, grinning as she laughed. “Now help me get these bows out of my hair before I get to feeling too pretty.”

“Are you going to write to Santa Claus?” Ben asked, drawing her attention away from Michael as he and Marie began taking out the barrettes. “Daddy says that if we write a letter to Santa, he might come see us before Christmas.”

“Wow.” Jessy smiled and widened her eyes. “What are you going to ask Santa to bring you?”

Ben’s eyes grew solemn. “It’s a secret,” he said quietly, glancing over to Marie, whose expression mirrored her brother’s.

“But you’re going to tell Santa in your letters, aren’t you?” Jessy asked, quickly smiling at Michael. He ruffled a hand through his previously styled hair and shrugged.

“Uh-huh—but he can’t tell
anybody.
”

“Ah—I see,” Jessy nodded sagely. “What about Rudolph? Can Santa tell him?”

Ben considered it a moment and then grinned. “Yeah, but only because Rudolph can’t talk and tell anybody else.”

“Okay, guys,” Michael said, scooting back to lean against the headboard of Marie’s bed. Marie immediately curled up beside him. “Story time. What’s it going to be tonight? Book or made-up?”

“Made-up!” Marie said and looked up at Jessy. “Come on, Jessy. Sit with me.”

Ben leapt off Jessy’s lap and crawled up to nestle beside Michael, so Jessy rose and sat at the foot of Marie’s bed.

“No,” Marie said impatiently. “Up
here.”

Jessy sighed in mock exasperation, drawing a few giggles from them, and moved to Marie’s side of the bed. “I don’t think there’s enough room for me.”

“Sure there is,” Michael said, scooping both Ben and Marie onto his outstretched legs. “That’s what laps were invented for.”

Jessy smiled reluctantly and stretched out beside Michael, their legs touching from hip to ankle. Marie settled comfortably atop their legs as Michael slipped one arm around Ben and the other around Marie and Jessy.

“No fair,” Jessy murmured.

Michael grinned. “Who said we were playing fair?”

Marie twisted to look up at Michael. “Can I play?”

“No, sweetie.” Michael glanced to Jessy over Marie’s blonde head, his smile quirking slightly. “This is a grown-up game.”

Ben tugged at Michael’s flannel shirt. “The
story,
Daddy!”

“Huh? Oh, right—the story.” Michael smiled to Jessy once more, then gave his attention to the kids again. “Let’s see—once upon a time, in a far-away land, there lived a beautiful girl—”

“But she was really a princess,” Marie said, smiling dreamily. “A beautiful princess.”

“But she didn’t know she was a princess,” Michael continued. “She lived in a huge stone castle with her guardian, all alone except for—” His voice trailed away, waiting for Ben or Marie to interject their ideas.

“A pet dragon,” Ben said, smiling shyly at Jessy. “A baby dragon with wings and feathers.”

Michael chuckled. “Okay—a baby dragon it is. One day she was sitting at the window of her room and she saw an evil ogre running towards the castle. The ogre liked to frighten her, so before he could scare her again, the princess escaped by braiding her long, long hair and climbing down the castle wall.”

Marie frowned faintly. “Daddy, that’s from Rapunzel.”

“Rapunzel was the princess’s cousin,” Jessy said, smiling as she glanced at Michael and then to Marie. “Taught her everything she knows about hair climbing.”

“So the princess and her dragon escaped,” Michael said. “They ran into the huge forest that surrounded the castle, and even though the princess was afraid of the evil ogre, she was very brave. She kept going until one night a storm made her take shelter.”

Startled by the story’s suddenly all too familiar turn, Jessy looked at Michael. Ben and Marie’s heads were nestled against his chest, and as he raised his gaze to hers, she felt a sudden flood of sadness. She didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay with Michael and his children more than anything in the world.

But she couldn’t. This was exactly the reason why she
had
to go. She couldn’t take this away from Michael and his kids.

“Then what happened?” Marie murmured sleepily.

“Well—” Michael kept gazing at Jessy, never looking away as he spoke. “The princess met a lonely old man who had room in his cottage. She was afraid to stop running, just in case the evil ogre found her, but she was so very tired and lonely that she decided to wait out the storm with the old man.”

Ben raised his head. “But was the old man really the evil ogre in disguise and she had to karate chop his neck?”

Michael laughed as he shook his head. “No—but that was what the princess was afraid of. She was afraid that everyone was like the evil ogre—and so she was afraid to trust anyone.”

“Except for Al,” Marie said and smiled.

“Al?” Michael asked. “Who’s Al?”

“The baby dragon.”

“Ah.” Michael pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and continued the story. “So the princess stayed with the old man for a few days, and when the storm finally passed, he told her that he knew of an enchanted land where she could hide from the ogre and live without being afraid. It took some talking into, but the princess finally agreed to go—but only for a few days. She would stay until the full moon, but then she had to leave.”

“Or she’d turn into a pumpkin!” Ben said and giggled.

Laughing, Michael kissed the top of Ben’s head. “That’s another story, Benny-boy.”

“So what happened?” Marie asked, then yawned ferociously. “Did she go with him?”

“Yes, she did,” Michael said softly, looking to Jessy again. “And she found that she was very happy in that enchanted place. The old man became her very best friend in the whole world, and she never wanted to leave.”

“Was she in love with him?” Marie asked quietly.

Michael hesitated, half-smiling at Jessy. “Maybe—but the princess didn’t believe in true love. Even though she had bushels and bushels of love to give, she didn’t believe that anyone could love her.”

Jessy shifted uncomfortably. “Michael—”

“But the old man did,” Marie said. “He fell in love with the princess because she was beautiful and nice and kind.”

“And when the evil ogre tried to kidnap the princess,” Ben added, “the old man turned into a monster!”

“No, silly,” Marie shook her head impatiently. “The princess kissed the old man and he turned into a prince.”

Ben pouted. “I like monsters better than that old mushy stuff.”

Michael laughed, giving them both kisses, and then smiled to Jessy again. She could hardly bear to see the tenderness, the affection, in his eyes. It made her all too aware of what she was leaving behind.

“How does the story end, Daddy?” Marie asked, tilting her head back to look up to Michael. “Do they live happily ever after and have lots of babies and stuff?”

“Lots of babies?” Michael’s smile curled in surprise. “Where did you get
that?”

Marie smiled. “I dunno. Do they?”

Michael took a deep breath and slowly released it, looking from Marie to Jessy again. “I don’t know,” he said quietly, raising his brows questioningly to Jessy.
“Do
they?”

Jessy felt her heart catch between beats.
Don’t do this to me,
she thought, closing her eyes so the kids wouldn’t see her sudden tears. She swallowed hard, unable to speak without betraying herself.

Michael, thankfully, let it go.

“Okay, guys,” he said, smiling again. “Let’s finish the story tomorrow night.”

“Will you tell the story tomorrow, Jessy?” Ben asked, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles.  “Tell us about your pet dinosaur?”

Jessy managed a wan smile. Who knew where she’d be tomorrow night at this time? “We’ll see, Ben.”

Ben frowned, sensing her sadness, but before he could speak, Michael gave him a squeeze. “Jump back in bed, Benny-boy, and I’ll tuck you in.”

“Sing us a song, Daddy,” Marie said, smiling up to Michael in a way that Jessy knew he would not be able to resist. “Please!”

Michael studied Jessy for a moment, trying to read her thoughts, all too aware of the pain in her eyes. He hated hurting her like this, but it was the only way he could make her want to stay. Until she believed him when he said there was no reason for her to go, he would have to show her everything she would miss. 

Even though seeing her struggle to hide her tears tore him up inside.

“Okay,” Michael finally said, managing to smile back at Marie. “If Ben will get the guitar—”

Ben was off his lap in an instant, darting across the room to the closet. He returned with the guitar and Michael crawled to the foot of the bed, leaving Marie and Ben to curl up beside Jessy. She hesitated only a fraction of an instant before slipping her arms around them, resting her cheek against Marie’s soft curls.

Michael strummed the guitar, then sang “Do-Re-Mi” in a purposely awful voice. Ben and Marie laughed as he cracked and yodeled and chortled. Jessy smiled faintly, but despite his best efforts, that terrible sadness remained in her eyes.

“Frank taught me how to play, but he only knew three chords.” Michael demonstrated quickly and smiled. “Musical genius doesn’t exactly run in the family.”

“Sing like Jiminy Cricket, Daddy!” Ben shouted.

“Yeah,” Marie said, shifting so she could look up to Jessy. “Daddy sings the wish song real pretty.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that—” Michael lowered his head in playful ‘aw-shucks’ shyness. He looked up to Jessy and winked, then began strumming the guitar again, the random notes suddenly familiar. It was the same song he had hummed for her on that first night together, when her fever had risen so frighteningly high and he’d soothed her fears.

It was the song Jessy had always associated with one of her best memories of being a little girl—the first time she had gone to the movies with her parents. She had been fascinated by the story of the little wooden boy who became real, and the Jiminy Cricket song, “When You Wish Upon A Star,” had been her favorite song in the world.

Michael began to sing softly, his voice a pleasant tenor, sweetly hopeful and plaintive all at once as he sang of dreams coming true. He kept his gaze on Jessy, singing only to her.

And suddenly it was almost too much to bear. With Ben and Marie cuddled against her so close, she felt warm and safe, even loved. They were falling asleep against her, their heads nestled into her shoulders, lulled by the softness of Michael’s voice as he sang. She stroked their silky hair, closing her eyes for a moment as she felt the steady rise and fall of their breathing, as their warmth seeped into her and made her realize what she had been missing for so long.

She’d realized a long time ago that she would more than likely never have children, even though she had longed for someone to love and protect ever since she was a young girl. As the years passed and she grew to understand reality and her place in the world, she understood that the likelihood of her ever becoming a mother grew slimmer with each passing year. She wanted the entire package— loving husband included—and could not settle for anything less.

But now, with Ben and Marie and Libby, she felt as if fate had decided to play a cruel joke on her. The kids trusted her, loved her with that open, boundless love that only children could give. Being here, with Michael and his family, was everything she had ever wanted—but it was only an illusion. Despite her feelings for the children, even her feelings for Michael, she knew that she was only filling in for Ann. This was Ann’s family, not hers.

Michael’s song faded into silence. For a moment, Jessy kept her eyes closed, listening to the howl of the wind just outside the window, the soft tapping of snow against the glass. She had never felt so warm, so safe, in her life. She realized at that moment that she had to try to remember every last little detail, right down to the scent of baby shampoo in Marie and Ben’s hair. She knew that this sense of security, of absolute rightness with the world, would probably never come to her again, except in memories. They would be all that remained.

“They’re asleep,” Michael said softly.

Jessy opened her eyes, blinking back her tears as she tried a half-smile. “So are my arms.”

Michael said nothing as he put down the guitar and gently picked Ben up, tucking him carefully into his own bed. He pulled the bright dinosaur sheets and blanket up to the boy’s chin, pausing a moment to lightly touch Ben’s cheek and kiss his forehead.

Something inside Jessy twisted. She hadn’t known she could hurt any more than she’d already hurt.

Michael came back to Marie’s bed and lifted her from Jessy’s arm. Jessy stood and pulled down the covers as he eased Marie back against the pillows. Jessy helped him tuck her in and Michael looked up to her with a smile.

“Thanks,” he whispered. “Two’s better than one when it comes to this.”

Jessy managed a half-hearted smile as Michael leaned over and kissed Marie’s brow. Marie stirred, eyes fluttering as her gaze found Jessy.

“Jessy—” she murmured sleepily.

Jessy knelt beside the bed, smiling as she brushed a few curls from Marie’s eyes. “Right here, sweetie.”

“Do you want to know what I want for Christmas?”

Jessy glanced to Michael, then back to Marie again. “I’d like to know, honey. What do you want for Christmas?”

Marie slowly smiled, eyes already closing again as she struggled to stay awake. “I want you to stay forever and ever and be our other mommy.”

Jessy felt as if a sledgehammer had slammed into her stomach. She recovered swiftly, smiling again as she kissed Marie’s cheek.

“Well, sweetie—” she began, voice shaky.

“Why don’t you ask Santa Claus about it in your letter,” Michael said quietly, flashing a quick smile to Jessy as he leaned in to give Marie another kiss. “Now go to sleep, jellybean.”

“G’night, Daddy,” Marie whispered, turning onto her side as she gave into sleep again. “’Night, Jessy.”

Jessy smiled sadly and touched Marie’s cheek, brushing the hair away from her eyes. Then she slowly rose, keeping her gaze averted from Michael’s. She took a deep breath, then managed to look at him again.

And before he could speak, she turned away, hurrying out of the room without looking back.