The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse (19 page)

I don’t know what time it was or how much more time I had, but I heard an engine approach. I had been half-asleep at the time, but I was aware of it but then the sound of a car door shutting completely startled me. My neck was killing me as were my feet, so I tried to lean on the pole for some relief.

In the darkness, a figure walked toward me. I straightened to look, and the nearer they got the more I recognized one of the gunmen from the house.

“Is it time?” I asked. “Are you coming to take me back? Have I learned your lessons?”

The gunman didn’t say anything, but got really close in my face.

“Um, hello?” I said. “My neck hurts. I’m really tired. I’m pretty sure I’ve learned my lesson.”

He pulled off his mask, revealing a man with a heavily scarred face. It took me a moment, but I realized that this face belonged to Bruce.

I gasped.

“I thought you were dead,” I said. “How are you not dead?”

“Disappointed?” he asked, annoyed.

“No,” I said. “I thought for sure Darren ate you.”

“I told you,” he said. “I’ve got the networking gift. Once I told him that I was that guy who was in the
Farnsworth Invention
, he let me go. No thanks to you, of course. You just ran off and left me.”

“I didn’t want to stick around and watch you get eaten.”

“Well, now you get to sit and live with it.”

With that, he spun on his heels and walked away.

“Don’t go!” I said. “Don’t go!”

He raised a hand and gave me the finger.

At first, I thought I’d been left to die, but hours later, him and his coworker returned and set me free again. I didn’t say a word as I was exhausted and in so much pain from my head to my feet. So I let them carry me to the van, just letting all my body weight sag just to make it really difficult for them to toss me into the van.

When I returned to the house, I was ushered back into Darren’s presence where Tigerlily had beaten me there.

“She’s a monster!” she said. “I heard from Morning Spring that she killed two boyfriends and a house full of men. She will murder us all.”

Darren looked at me. “Are any of these allegations true?”

“I also heard she likes to steal rolls and medicine from children,” she said.

I was exhausted. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. Every step I took resulted in a thousand stabbing needles in my feet, which made it hard to stand. Bruce had to prop me up on his shoulder.

“First of all,” I said weakly. “No, it’s not true. Secondly, not true. And third and most importantly of all, it’s not true.”

“I have been a critic of the arts for many decades.” Darren folded his hands together. “And I have never seen sarcasm and cynicism so alive and well in an individual who has been through what you have.”

I halfheartedly managed a shrug with my other hand while I maintained balance on Bruce’s shoulder.

“I have to cope.” I coughed. “Something of my past life.”

“
No!
” he said. “You don’t. And don’t infect my other wives, either.”

“I’m not a wife?” I asked. “I don’t get the chance to reject you?”

Darren winced. “You’re not my type,” he said. “But you’re missing the point. I hope you’ve learned your lesson. We’re all monsters. I won’t judge as I have no room to.”

I nodded. I didn’t feel good at all.

Tigerlily angrily lunged for me, but Darren’s guards stopped her.

“She brings death on all of us!” she yelled. “She’ll kill me and then come for you!”

Darren shrugged. “So what do I do with you?”

“I’d like to lay down in a fetal position, please.” As I said that I looked outside. I don’t know why, maybe something caught my eye. It happened to be at the time I saw a gang of monsters, all with torches in their hands. Ordinarily, I’d be full of fear. This time I wasn’t scared.

* * *

Since I wasn’t one of Darren’s wives, I wasn’t allowed to have an actual bedroom to lie down in, but I was allowed to rest on a set of pillows in the broom closet for a few hours. I was fully prepared to enjoy it when Bruce came and ruined everything as usual.

He shook me awake. “Verdell?” he whispered.

I rolled over. “Just let me sleep. You and your new buddies can kill me in the morning.”

“You’re just jealous that I finally have a career and you don’t.”

“This is not a career,” I said, sitting up. “You are a lackey who doesn’t get to show his face.”

“Well, neither Darren nor I have any desire to marry you.”

“I don’t see anyone voting for you for homecoming queen, either.”

Bruce took a deep breath. “This is not the way to behave. We are both grown adults. One of us just hasn’t admitted that they were wrong yet.”

“Get bent and let me sleep.”

Bruce slammed the door in my face. I happily got comfortable again. In the distance I heard a far off explosion. I sat up, tense and at attention.

“What was that?” I heard Darren’s lilting voice ask.

“Nothing,” Bruce said.

“Well, keep it down. Trying to write a manifesto here.”

“Sorry.”

I repositioned myself for comfort until Bruce came back.

“Listen to me,” he said. “I broke up with you. I could easily kick you out of here.”

“Do it,” I said. “Or just ignore me. I don’t care.”

“Just acknowledge that you thought my acting was a joke.”

“It was. Now go.”

“You’re a bitch.” He shut the door.

I tried to get comfortable again over the outside voices.

I heard a man speak. “Who keeps slamming doors around here?”

“That was me,” said Bruce. “Sorry, I just let it go a little hard.”

“Knock it off, would you? Some of us are trying to create a new history.”

“You’re right. Won’t do it again.”

“Seriously.”

I closed my eyes again, but not before Bruce gently opened the door.

“You knew I was on the way up and you came here to ruin everything for me,” he said after the third time of bursting in on my nap. “I’m not going to let you do it. Darren trusts me far over you.”

I sat up. “Damn it, Bruce!” I said. “Quit being so insecure. I would have totally bought that you were someone to be intimidated by had you not opened your mouth and ruined everything. If I’ve learned anything about this Apocalypse, it’s that I wished I was part of the third that died. That way I would have never had to deal with you or the downward spiral of stupidity that’s happening constantly. Also, I would have never learned how undesirable I am. Seriously, no one wants to marry me? None of my family wants to find me?”

“Now who’s insecure?” Bruce asked. “I ought to carry you around the room and yell out every time you’ve embarrassed me in public.”

“What’s that going to prove?” I asked, my voice rising to a new volume. “That you’re whiny and can’t let anything go? Here’s something to hold on to then—you’re the biggest complainer the world’s ever seen. And no one cared about your play.”

He folded his arms. “Which one?”

“Any of them!” I shouted.

Just then there was a huge explosion. It rocked the house and sent the furniture rocking. I stepped out of the closet, my anger at him and every other man who had abandoned me along the way had made me feel.

“You’re all jerks,” I shouted as I tried to talk over the commotion of the panic that set in. “You just use me, then pass me on to someone else in exchange for something stupid. You may have escaped being eaten, but I had to move on to the next level of hell by myself because you couldn’t survive on your own.”

Another explosion and this one set a fire to the front entryway. Darren’s disciples gasped and pointed at me. One of the girls was almost hysterical

“Tigerlily was right!” she said. “This girl is a monster!”

Mountain Spring, also known as Priscilla, shook her head at me. “I knew,” she said. “I always know.”

“I know who you are, Priscilla,” I said. “I remember standing up for you. I could have taken the easy way out and just pledged allegiance to the weirdest war lord, but I didn’t. I hope you’re real proud of yourself. Frankly, I thought you were dead.”

Darren’s disciples bowed down before me.

“Please don’t hurt us,” they started to chant. “Please don’t hurt us.”

Even Bruce looked afraid. “I thought it was just a fluke,” he said. “But maybe you killed me, after all.”

“Do you hear yourself?” I asked.

Darren came out of his study. “Why the racket?” he asked. “My work is far more important than anything—” He stopped and noticed the entryway. “Someone want to explain why my house is on fire?”

A steady rise of hysterics rose through the house.

“What do we do? What do we do?”

Darren had wrapped his silken robe around himself and suddenly got a panicked look on his face as he turned around and raced upstairs. “My manifesto!” he exclaimed. “I can’t leave it behind.”

Bruce pointed a finger in my face. “This is your fault,” he said. “You’ve brought this onto us.”

“You brought it on yourself,” I said. “And they’ll be much worse if we don’t get out of here.”

The fire burned fast and spread into more rooms. I grabbed a hold of Tatiana and Prairie Rose, and we burst out the window together, rolling down the hill.

“This is still a great networking opportunity!” Bruce shouted over the flames. “I am making smart career moves!”

“Someone help me find my after dinner slippers!” Darren called out. “I have to pack my going away valise!”

It was chaos, and I didn’t see much through the billows of smoke. The fire raged out of control and took a few houses with it, including the commune, which I only spent a few short days in. But I know Bruce died inside in it. And the reason I know is because the next day we found two charred bodies. One sitting next to a child’s desk, the other holding the remnants of slippers. I don’t know what happened to the other gunman. Part of me likes to think he ran off into the woods and found freedom, sitting in a cave naked somewhere, drawing pictures of Bruce’s stupid face.

As for myself, Tatiana and Prairie Rose, we ventured down the hill and watched the house go down. Neither of them wanted to save it, and I think Tatiana got real pleasure from watching it burn.

She had a huge smile on her face. “Thank god I won’t have to spend another night with that guy. I’m sure our child would have been allergic to everything. That’s not the Messiah I’m going to vote for.”

We spent the night curled under a bush and shivered in the cold, but in the morning, there was group of ferocious-looking women who had us cornered. All but their leader wore ski masks.

“Rise and shine, monsters!” the leader said. “The fire didn’t get you, but we finally did.”

WE WERE
BLINDFOLDED
and taken somewhere on the outskirts of town to some ramshackle ranch that hadn’t been kept up in years. The ride was bumpy and cold as we sat in the back of a pickup truck that barreled down the highway. Prairie Rose cried the entire time, yelling Darren’s name. Tatiana was like a rock. I stayed silent as did Tatiana. I felt her lack of emotion, which seemed like the best line of defense, especially in light of Prairie Rose’s hysterics.

“Before anything gets weird or tragic,” I heard Tatiana yell over the high-speed wind. “You should know my real name is Tatiana. I know I used to have a dog and before the Incident I was in school part time getting my accounting degree and I really hated my supervisor.” I heard a rustling coming from the side. “I know you can’t see it, but I’m holding a piece of paper. It’s one of our pros and cons lists. It’s the one where you were on the fence on Bruce.”

“Really?” I asked. “You still have that?”

“Um,” she said. “I did. It just blew out of my hand.”

I smiled. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“My name is Mary,” I heard Prairie Rose choke out. “I used to have three dogs that our Lord gave away. People used to call me Brittany. Our Lord never said he loved me.”

“It’s not important now,” Tatiana said.

“How is it you’re Mary, but also Brittany?” I asked. “I’m a little confused.”

“I like fruit on the bottom yogurt,” she said. “I liked the upstairs closet of the Lord’s house where I used to sleep.”

“You’ll have to find another closet to enjoy sleeping in,” Tatiana said. “If I could hand you a self-help book or one of those mantra tapes I would, but it’s not going to happen, so I suggest you just up and deal now.”

Brittany, aka Mary aka Prairie Rose, continued to sob.

“Hey, Verdell,” Tatiana said. “In case this is the last time we ever have human contact before we get impaled by something from everyday life. I don’t think you and I ever really connected.”

“Tatiana,” I said as I carefully thought through my words as I spoke them into darkness. “You know me. Maybe we never talked about our hopes and dreams, but you know me. We worked at a large corporation, doing nothing important, and I isolated myself from every worthwhile relationship possible, but making pros and cons lists and making fun of people like Robert and our supervisors with you was the highlight of my day.” I took a deep breath. “And here we are, the end of the world, and I have nothing to show for it.”

There was a silence before Brittany started sobbing all over again. “Maybe our Lord will be okay. And then he’ll come and live with us and we’ll be a happy family again, putting us all to work.”

“For the love of everything,” Tatiana said. “Keep some control over that kind of crap. You’ve been brainwashed. I don’t know where we’re going, but at least we’re somewhat free from that egomaniac.”

“It’s true,” I said. “If I’m learning anything about this journey, it’s that every new place is just an opportunity to be stronger.”

“I know you broke one of the gunmen down,” she said. “I know you were incredibly patient with the world’s most annoying person—”

“Tigerlily?”

“Robert.”

“Ah, yes,” I said. “He’s really not that bad.”

I felt a twinge of heartstrings that made me realized I missed him.

“Totally,” she said. “And think about it, Darren didn’t want to touch you, but he wanted you in his house. Do you know how jealous I am of that?”

“This whole Apocalypse,” I shouted over the loud passing air. “Not one man wanted me. Not even two ex-boyfriends, not the four nerds looking online for girls, not the strip club I managed and not the crazed art critic looking to birth the Messiah. It’s a little disheartening.”

“Well, to each his own then,” Tatiana said.

We rode in silence before a harsh truth overcame me.

“I don’t have any friends,” I said.

“Excuse me?” Tatiana asked.

“Friends,” I said. “I thought I had some before the whole world fell apart, but it turns out I don’t. You would think that in all this suffering and learning to survive I would have bonded with at least one person…”

“Not true,” she said. “We were friends. Why would you say that?”

“You didn’t remember me.” I let my voice trail off. “And now I’ve made myself incredibly sad.”

“I’m sorry,” Tatiana said. “I was worried you’d get killed. There’s also a possibility that I may have been brainwashed. Distancing yourself isn’t always the best option.”

Suddenly, the blindfold was jerked off my face and Tatiana gave me a kind, sympathetic smile.

”I worked my hands free,” she said as she showed me. “Your story isn’t over. It’s just beginning in fact. I don’t know where we’re headed, but I feel pretty confident in calling you my friend.”

I smiled back at her.

“And you can’t tell me in all this time you’ve spent glomming off others, you haven’t formed at least one bond?” she asked. “Someone out there you kind of miss?”

Robert, I thought. Kind of miss that guy.

“Maybe,” I said. “I’ll get back to you.”

“I get it,” she said. “You join up with one group and don’t know if they’re going to be dead in the morning, if they’re going to trade you in for a box of Pop-Tarts or if you’re going to have to chase after another group because Jon Hamm is leading it.”

She folded her hands and looked out into the horizon. “Don’t beat yourself up because there’s a lot of shallow soil out there.”

Once at the ranch, we were pulled out of the truck and dragged inside, then plopped down onto the gritty floor with the blindfolds ripped off our faces. I looked around the room and saw a rustic-looking living room with an old threadbare and stained couch that looked like it used to be white. We finally got a good look at our captors, and I realized they were just four women, one of them being Rachel, two of them girls from Costco.

“How did?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”

Rachel smiled. “Batman came and bought a ticket, but she didn’t want a show.”

She nodded and opened her eyes wide. “She wanted us to join her cool club for awesome people.”

I gasped. “Batman’s here?” I asked. “I’m going to finally figure out what the hell everyone’s been talking about. I didn’t make her up, did I?”

“You got her,” said a woman lounging on a broken-down leather recliner. She wore all black, had a cool leather patch over one eye and seemed bored by everything going on around her.

“You seem so familiar that this is crazy,” I said. “I wore a Batman shirt once and everyone went nuts talking about you.”

She shrugged. “Well, of course. You broke into my car and stole my Wheat Thins.”

I snapped my fingers. “Yes! Of course! Stephanie, was it?”

“It’s Batman.”

“So what do you all do here?” Tatiana asked. “Are we an official thing? Do we have a purpose?”

Stephanie held up her hand.

“And what’s with the patch?” I said. “Did something happen?”

“You’re not going to do something weird with our bodies are you?” Tatiana asked, her voice soft and halting.

Stephanie shifted the eye patch so it so it covered more of her eye. “Do you think it looks better on the right or left side?” she said, turning her head. “I feel like it’s a little bit more badass on the right side.”

“Your confidence pulls it off,” I said. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“We’re still working on a name,” Stephanie said as she stood and stepped forward. She was tall, wore leather and scratched her eye under the patch. “So if you think of anything, let us know.”

“We’re bringing chaos to the Apocalypse, yo!” one of the other girls yelled. She did a weird jiggly dance that I found awkward and smacked of trying too hard.

I shook my head a little as did the rest of the gang.

“Not now, JB,” said Batman. “Although I liked your passion.”

JB sat on the floor with the rest of us.

Stephanie pointed at me. “You’re that fire girl,” she said. “The one who kills men who betray her and harasses little kids.”

“For the last time,” I said, annoyed. “I haven’t killed anyone. Any death that happened around me was purely coincidental. And that kid was stealing from me. Standing up for yourself is apparently a one-way ticket to rumors town.”

“I wouldn’t be so modest,” Tatiana said. “She blew up the house that held our Lord Darren Warren and all his disciples.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Stephanie said. “I’m not criticizing you at all. The very opposite.” The tribe cheered, and Stephanie slapped me on the back hard. “That was us,” she said. “So let’s not get too braggy.”

“No worries,” I said. “I had no intention. That’s really not me. Secondly, I don’t agree with this kind of behavior.”

Brittany started to gently sob.

Stephanie knelt next to me and stared at me hard with her one eye. “At least you recognize. And what kind of behavior?”

“Arson,” I said. “It’s kind of violent.”

She stared at me in uncomfortable silence.

“It’s just not my kind of thing,” I said. “But that’s just me. Judeo Christian ethics and all.” I waved away my own awkwardness. “You probably have some well researched reasoning, though…”

“If there’s a better way to make a point, I’d like to hear it,” Stephanie said. “Look at what we can do with few. Now with all of us we can take care of any force that comes against us.”

“Stephanie—” I started.

“Batman.”

“And we’re sticking with the name Batman?” I asked.

She unzipped her leather jacket and revealed a Batman t-shirt.

She shook her head. “It’s just good branding. And I know—I was in marketing before the Incident.”

“Didn’t I give you that name?” I asked. “That night when your UCLA buddy was going to kill me over a box of Wheat Thins.”

“Ideas belong to everybody,” she snapped

Tatiana and I nodded simultaneously. “Smart,” I said, hoping to appease her.

Stephanie’s face instantly brightened as her mood changed. She stretched out her hand. “We’ve been looking for you. We’re mighty impressed with your portfolio, ma’am.”

I sighed heavily. “You should know I haven’t actually killed anyone,” I said. “If there is one thing in this new society, I’m thankful I do not have to explain this in a court of law right now.”

She crouched to my level. “You think we like it when people assume that when we start fires and burn places down that we’re just out to kill them too?” She stopped and thought about what she said. “Now that I say that out loud, I can kind of see where they might get that impression.”

“Do you?” I asked.

She nodded. “The point is, that’s not what we’re about at all. We’re just trying to rescue women in bad situations. We’re trying to teach others survival skills. Like, real survival skills. What we’ve been ingrained with is absolutely useless.”

Everyone nodded.

“Like, why am I monitoring my credit score when I should learn how to build a canoe?” she asked. “Or do my own dentistry?”

JB stepped forward. “I can say that those two years at the Fashion Institute did come in handy. Because I made everyone’s uniforms.”

“So what’s your real name again?” Rachel asked.

“Stephanie,” I said.

“Batman,” said our new leader.

“No,” I said. “She meant your actual name.”

“I knew what she meant.” The leader’s face grew very serious. “It’s Batman.”

“Before the Incident.”

Stephanie shrugged. “I’m giving a very clear and concise answer.”

I nodded. “We’ll just call you Batman then.”

Tatiana gave me a look. Brittany’s tears had dried and she looked at her as if one would watch a big sister get ready for the prom.

“I think she’s wonderful,” she whispered into my ear.

“Of course you do,” I said.

“Where are we? Didn’t you used to have a dog?” I asked.

Stephanie and her minions took us on a tour around the ranch and its grounds. It was dilapidated, but the plumbing still worked, albeit flakey, and there was a pretty friendly dog that let me pet it. Its tail slowly wagged when I scratched behind his ears. It was such a simple joy, but something I missed, and I felt an outpouring of love for that dog. I bent down after we were shown the weapons underground cellar and scratched all over his body. One of the girls stopped and watched it.

“Maybe it doesn’t matter to you,” she said. “But that dog has some kind of skin virus. We don’t allow it inside.”

I stood. “Good to know.”

I immediately went to the nearest sink and scrubbed my hands for a good ten minutes fully enjoying the fact I could wash them.

The grounds themselves were pretty desolate and I saw a few obscene things spray painted around, but overall, it was nice. JB mentioned that it happened to have once housed a serial killer commune at one point, but she wasn’t one hundred percent sure on that.

I passed by the bathroom and went to use it, but JB stopped me.

“You don’t want to use that,” she said. “It doesn’t work.”

“So what are we doing?”

JB smiled with hesitancy. “Do you know what composting is?” She pointed outside.

I took a deep breath. “Oh, I don’t…I don’t know…”

“Guess you’re just going to have to learn!” she chirped.

I took another glance through the window and saw odd spray painted symbols.

“JB,” I said. “What’s the deal with that weird graffiti?”

She seemed uncomfortable. “Before the Incident, this was the hideout for the Paper Tiger Gang.”

“Isn’t that that cult that was trying to build a spaceship out of other people’s house pets?”

She seemed uneasy. “We don’t like to talk about it.”

With that she walked away.

I toyed with getting confirmation on that urban legend, but in the argument for sleeping at night, I decided against it. It was away from the city, and it didn’t seem as if I had to fear of those roving gangs, given that I had been accepted into one that was just misunderstood.

At night, we gathered in the main room of the house. There was a broken down couch with one good cushion and an old Navajo blanket, so we took turns all sitting on them for comfort. It felt civilized so I didn’t mind so much. Getting splinters and tiny rocks in my backside didn’t seem so bad knowing that my turn with the cushion and blanket were always coming.