The Girlfriend (Single Wide Female in Love, Book 2) (10 page)

Deeper and deeper I drifted, hoping that I could reach some part of myself that was confident.

As I fought my way toward this peaceful place, I didn’t really notice the sound that surrounded me. It wasn’t until I felt a rush of water against my skin that I opened my eyes. I was confused at first. I wondered if I’d been dreaming. I forgot where I was and why I was there. Water hitting my skin made no sense to me.
 

“Samantha, Samantha, we have to leave the room.”
 

My teacher stood over me, clinging to his towel. I noticed that his skin was dripping wet too. I looked up to see that the sprinklers in the ceiling were spraying water everywhere.
 

“I’m sorry. I must have knocked over one of my candles and slipped into a trance. The fire department is on its way. There’s no danger, but we have to leave the room so that they can evaluate the situation.”
 

I pulled myself to my feet. I was relieved that I’d left my clothes on.
 

“Don’t you have something to put on?”
 

“That’s what caught on fire.” He smiled sheepishly. “I guess the lesson today is to accept my vulnerability.”
 

That word struck me as we hurried out of the room. It was the second time someone had mentioned it to me. As I stood beside him and watched the firefighters march inside, I felt grateful not to be the one wearing a towel. Then I glanced down at my shirt. My white
thin
shirt. I could clearly see my bra—and more—through it.
 

I ducked behind the man who was covering himself with only a towel. Somehow I felt more exposed than he was.

Maybe that was the problem.

I had been through circumstances where I’d been exposed physically due to an accident or other issues, but I’d never willingly exposed myself. Even with Max, we were taking things very slow physically. But it wasn’t just about my physical body. It was also about my heart. I hadn’t exposed that either.

I decided in that moment that I was going to try to be more vulnerable.
 

Making the choice to be more vulnerable opened up an entire new world to me.

Lately, I’d been using all of my energy to prevent myself from being vulnerable. I did what I could to keep from ever leaving myself open to being hurt.

Now I knew that if I wanted to find a way to trust Max, I was going to have to take a risk and expose myself in ways I never considered possible.
 

My fingers flew across the keys, not limited by my insecurities attempting to tuck myself safely away from the words I was writing.

By the time I curled up in bed I’d gotten more work done in a few hours than I had all week. I even fell asleep without having to convince my mind to slow down.

Chapter 22

Before I knew it the alarm clock beside my bed was buzzing. I was reluctant to wake up. Since becoming a writer, I’d let myself sleep and wake when I pleased. An alarm had become a relic of my life as a working stiff. But I’d set it to make sure that I woke up in time for my surfing lesson with Max.

I pulled myself out of bed and half-stumbled into the bathroom after putting my bathing suit on.

All that I’d discovered about vulnerability went right out the window when I looked at myself in the mirror. The thought of Max seeing me in my bathing suit made me cringe. I grabbed a large white nightgown that I’d kept from my larger days. I pulled it on and was satisfied to see that it covered every inch of me. Maybe being exposed was supposed to help me learn to trust, but I wasn’t ready for that exposure to take place in a bathing suit.

I heard a sharp knock on the door and knew that it was Max. I rushed to let him in.

Seeing Max standing there was like taking a breath for the first time.
 

“What are you wearing?” Max did his best to smile but his eyebrow was still raised.
 

“It’s just a cover-up. So I don’t get cold on the way.”
 

“I see.” He tilted his head to the side. “I don’t think you’re in any danger of freezing.” He held his hand out to me. “It’s good to see you. I missed you.”
 

My heart melted at his words. I hugged him and breathed in the scent of his cologne. It hit me then that I had missed him too. I might have been trying to find myself, but Max was a part of all parts of me. I held him so tight that he must have noticed.
 

“As much as I’m enjoying this, we’re going to miss our lesson if we don’t get going. It seemed important to you when you suggested it.”
 

“You’re right.” I took one more deep breath of his scent and then pulled away from him.
 

“You okay, sweetheart?”
 

“I am.”
 

“You would tell me if you weren’t?”
 

“Sure.”
 

He shook his head but he didn’t question me any further. He held the door open for me.

Max’s car was always one of my favorite places to be. I had yet to figure out why. Maybe it was that his radio always seemed to be playing a good song. Or maybe it was because he’d kept the same brand of vanilla air freshener in it since we were in college. I always associated it with a fun place to be. That morning was no different.
 

“I’m really glad you planned this. We haven’t been out on many adventures together lately.”
 

I smiled. “I love getting to spend time with you.”
 

“Do you?” He stared through the windshield.
 

“What do you mean? Of course I do.”
 

 
“I mean, if you think I’m holding you back from success, all you have to do is tell me.”
 

“Oh, Max, I don’t think that at all. I just needed to refocus.”

 
“On something other than me.” He laughed a little. “I can see why you would need to do that.” He turned in to the parking lot beside the beach.
 

“It’s not like that at all, Max, I promise.”
 

He frowned and turned off the car. Then he looked over at me. “Sammy, I get that we’re separate people, we’re going to have separate emotions, and that sometimes you’re going to need some space. I just want to know what’s going on in your head, that’s all. Okay?”
 

“Okay.” I nodded. I almost told him the truth, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We walked down toward the water. The morning air was warm already. Max headed straight for the edge of the water.
 

“Are you going to take that off?” He sunk his feet into the shallow water.
 

“I don’t know. It’s pretty sunny. Maybe I should just leave it on.” I kicked my feet through the sand.
 

“Sammy.” Max’s hands seized my hips. “The only reason I got up this early with a smile on my face was because I knew I would get the chance to see you in a swimsuit.”
 

“Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes.

He tightened his grip on my hips. “What?”
 

“Oh, Max, you don’t have to pretend that you find my body appealing in a swimsuit.” I shook my head.
 

“Samantha!” He sighed and tugged me close to him. “Is that what this cover-up is all about? Do you think I don’t adore every inch of you? I mean, seriously, Sammy, what have we been doing for a year if you really don’t think I find you attractive?”
 

“I just feel uncomfortable in only a swimsuit.”

“You should never feel uncomfortable around me, Sammy. I adore you. You’re gorgeous.”
 

“I’d be gorgeous if I was a size two.” I started to turn away from him.

He turned me back toward him by pivoting my hips.
 

“That’s true, you would be. You would also be gorgeous at a size twenty-eight—just like you’re gorgeous now.” He sighed with frustration. “I don’t understand why that’s so hard for you to believe.”
 

“You forget, Max. I’ve seen the women that you’ve dated. None of them were my size—not even Stephanie.”
 

“You’re bringing up Stephanie now?” Max’s eyes narrowed. “Fine, you saw the women I dated. I saw the men you dated. None of them looked just like me. So what? Were you not attracted to any of them?”
 

I frowned. He had a point. It always aggravated me when he had a point. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
 

“Why? Because you’ve decided that I can’t possibly be attracted to you? Is that what you really believe, Sammy?” He lifted his hands from my hips to my waist and, as if he could see the hesitation in my eyes, he shook his head. “No, I want a real answer this time. Is that what’s been going on with you? You think I’m not attracted to you? Because we both agreed to take things slow, and I’ve tried to be respectful of that.”
 

“I know. No, it’s not what I believe.”
 

“Then prove it.”
 

“How?”
 

“Take it off. Right now. I want to see your beautiful body. That’s why I skipped my coffee this morning.”

Chapter 23

I laughed, but Max’s expression was stern. I could tell that he wanted me to do what he asked. I just wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to do it. There were joggers on the beach. Not to mention the surf instructor, who was heading toward us. He looked like he had never eaten a carb in his life, or met a weight he couldn’t lift. Yet Max wanted me to pull the cover-up off in front of him and all these other people?
 

“Maybe we should just go. This was a bad idea.”
 

“No. Sammy, you just told me that you believed I was attracted to you. Don’t you know how proud I am to be with you? Don’t you think I want to show you off now and then? I mean, I know that’s a chauvinistic thing to say, but it’s the truth. Don’t you believe that?”
 

I lowered my eyes. I absolutely did not believe it. Most of the time I figured that Max just loved my personality so much that he could overlook my body. The idea of his wanting to show me off never even crossed my mind.
 

“Please, Sammy. After all the hard work you’ve done, you should be so proud of yourself. I loved you a bucket list ago, I love you just as much now. But I feel like you’re hiding yourself from me.”
 

I looked out at the swimmers in the water, then back at Max. To him, it was a simple thing that he was asking from me, but for me, it was akin to moving a mountain. He was right, though. I had worked very hard on building my confidence. A few months before, I would have already been playing in the water with him. But since he hadn’t proposed, all of my insecurities had come back up.
 

“I’m not hiding.” I looked into his eyes. “I love you, Max.”
 

“Then take this off.” He grabbed the hem of the cover-up, but he didn’t lift it. Instead, he took my hand and guided it to the hem. “I’m not going to watch you hide yourself when you should be proud of your beauty. Plus, I was looking forward to putting sunscreen on your back.”
 

I had to laugh a little at his crooked smile. Max always knew how to break the tension for me and put me at ease. I took a deep breath of the sea air. I remembered that in order to trust, I was going to have to be vulnerable.

I tugged the hem of the cover-up up along my body and started to tug it off. At least I tried to. I couldn’t quite get it past my shoulders, and had somehow gotten my elbows wedged in. As I wiggled in an attempt to free myself I heard Max trying not to laugh. Then I felt his hands freeing me from my cover-up cocoon. When he finally got it off, he tossed it into the sand.
 

“Beautiful.” He smiled at me. I noticed that he took the time to appreciate every aspect of my figure. I’d have thought I would be mortified by his looking so intently at me. Instead, I felt like a work of art. He looked at me with such love in his eyes, that I remembered it was possible to love my body exactly the way it was.
 

“You two ready to head out?”
 

The surf instructor had walked up, and I hadn’t even noticed him. The joggers still jogged. The swimmers still swam. But I didn’t care. Max looked at me with so much affection that I wondered if he might try to cancel the lesson after all.
 

“We’re ready.” Max took my hand in his. “We just need a minute to apply sunscreen.”
 

The instant Max started rubbing sunscreen on to my back, all of my regret about taking my cover-up off vanished. He massaged my shoulders a little when he was finished.
 

“I think I did a good job.”
 

“My turn?” I grabbed the tube from him.
 

“Oh yeah, slather it on. I’ve been stuck in the office way too long. I don’t want to get crispy.”
 

I savored the opportunity to apply sunscreen to Max. He had a bunch of little freckles along his shoulder blades. I’d seen him shirtless plenty of times. He always kept himself fit, but I didn’t care about that. My favorite part of his body were those little freckles. I lost myself in the sweeping motion as I coated his back.
 

“Guys, we only have an hour!”
 

The instructor’s voice jolted me out of the relaxed state I’d settled into.
 

“Don’t stop.” Max glanced over his shoulder at me.
 

“Max, we have the class.”
 

“Ah, fine.” He sighed.

I kissed his cheek. I didn’t even care that he tasted like sunscreen. I was certain that our day together was going to be magical.
 

The instructor took some time with us to teach us about the board. On the sand he showed us how we should climb on the board and how to stand up.
 

“You guys have this. Why don’t you take one out on the water and you can take turns practicing?”