The Girl in the Window (28 page)

He’d made the bed before he left.

It all looked neat.

She hadn’t slept in it, sleeping instead on the couch, sometimes with the television on but the sound turned low.

They would have arrived at the track by now, the horses would be in their stalls. She, Josh and the others would have been settled into their motel room, if things had been normal. But they weren’t.

He might call.

Just the thought sent a shaft of terror through her.

Trying not to think about it, she turned her cell phone off. With all the electronic monitoring equipment at the home, she rarely had it on there, and frequently forgot to turn it back on. Josh would know that.

Tonight she couldn’t bear talking to him, hearing the excitement about the upcoming race, his first since the accident, in his voice.

Curling up on the couch, she wrapped her arms around his pillow, inhaling his scent. She cuddled into it, and fought the fear.

Wolf jumped up beside her and whined softly, his head on her belly.

Beth wept silently, alone in the night.

Josh pocketed his cell phone at the sound of Russ’s knock at the physical therapy room door, glancing out the window at the bright summer morning outside. It was early yet, but there was a lot of preparation to do before the race.

He said nothing to Russ, but it ate at him that Beth hadn’t answered her phone.

For the thousandth time he reminded himself how often she forgot to turn her phone back on when she was working. Somehow the thought didn’t reassure him. A thin thread of fear coursed through him.

It worried him.

For the first time he wasn’t certain Beth would be there when the runners went off.

His first race since the accident.

If Russ noticed anything, he said nothing.

Not even about Beth’s absence.

What was there to say?

It had never occurred to Josh before now that she wouldn’t be there. He knew she loved him, knew she loved Fair, Bella and Adagio, but something was seriously wrong.

Once more, he tried to call her as they arranged for a nurse to wheel him out of the hospital.

Her cell phone rang and rang.

Beth looked at her phone but couldn’t bring herself to answer it, even knowing it would worry Josh when she didn’t. She longed for the sound of his voice, but she feared it, too, feared not hearing it again.

She started to drive, but not in the direction of the racetrack or the home. She was just driving.

They’d be getting prepared, she knew, getting Bella and Fair groomed and ready, checking and rechecking their tack, the bike, doing all the things necessary before a race.

It would be the first race where Josh would be the driver again, as it was his last day in physical therapy.

The thought terrified her.

Beth found that she didn’t know where she was going, it just seemed random until she suddenly found herself at the cemetery where Ruth and Matt were buried.

It had been so strange to look across Matt’s grave to see Ruth’s not so far away.

She brought the car to a stop outside the gates.

For a moment she just looked out across it.

Sunlight dappled grave markers both old and new. It looked lush, green, and peaceful, well-tended.

Turning the car in, she drove until she was close to the first marker. Ruth’s. The first of those she’d loved.

Her parents were here, too, but she didn’t know where their graves were as well as she knew Ruth’s and Matt’s.

Getting out of the car, she snapped Wolf’s leash to his collar and started to walk.

For once he didn’t charge off or tow her, instead he paced sedately at her side. She dropped her hand to his head, ruffled his ears.

The marker wasn’t large, the words on it were simple, just a name, date of birth and death, and an engraved picture of lilies.

It hadn’t been her choice, but that of Ruth’s children. She hadn’t been able to gainsay them, but it hadn’t been her place, not really.

The cement bench nearby, though, had been.

Tears spilled over, ran down her face.

She sat and Wolf laid his big head in her lap.

Lifting her gaze, she looked out across the rolling hills.

Matt was buried here, too, she could see his grave from where she sat. It was just luck. There were only two cemeteries hereabouts.

With a sigh, Beth curled her fingers into Wolf’s fur.

Matt.

“There’s no one else I can talk to,” she said softly to him. “There’s only you and Ruth.”

Everyone else was part of the situation.

Fear bubbled in her blood, her constant companion these days.

“What do I do?” she whispered. “I don’t know what to do.”

She only knew that she couldn’t live with the constant fear.

All she could think about was horses’ legs thrashing and no sign of Chord or Josh among them, of the sound of the bolt striking Chord. Of knowing what it would be to lose him. To lose Josh.

She was so scared.

*****

For the third or fourth time Josh folded up his cell phone, put it in his pocket, and tried not to worry.

“She’ll come,” Russ said.

Josh looked at him, the fear that she wouldn’t eating at him.

“She loves you,” Russ answered simply. “She’ll come.”

Looking up, Josh could see Mary in the stands. Tyler was with them helping out, especially with Beth gone.

No one asked, but everyone noticed.

Following Josh’s glance, Russ found Mary.

That was a new thing for Russ, to have someone there for him. It felt good. He knew, too, how much Beth’s absence hurt Josh.

But he had faith.

Josh closed his hand around the cell phone in his pocket tightly.

Looking at Russ, Josh wished he could be so sure.

As much as he knew Beth loved him, he also understood how fragile she was, and how strong.

Now that he knew what had happened, he understood what was going on inside her. He knew her fear. Knew it for what it was. He just didn’t know a way to resolve it.

He loved racing, even loved the risk of it.

If she couldn’t live with it, though…

*****

The sun beat down on Beth’s shoulders, already astonishingly warm. It would be hot later, but at that moment the sky was cloudless and blue. The forecast called for thundershowers late in the day.

Beth’s throat went tight at the memory of the smell of hay.

Sighing, she shook her head and looked at the headstone, thinking of the woman who’d been the closest thing to a real mother lying beneath it and looked across the hill to that other gravestone.

Matt’s.

“What do I do?” she asked.

For the first time in ages Matt’s face came to her as clear as a bell, and she nearly wept.

Matt, his familiar round face with his warm smile and bright dark eyes. She could almost feel him there, as if he sat beside her, looking at her. His hand covered hers, if only in her imagination. She just needed him so much. She was torn.

You love him
.

Matt’s voice, Matt’s presence.

Yes.

It felt like a betrayal, thinking of him, but she did. She loved Josh as she’d loved Matt.

Her heart twisted even as her throat tightened.
I’m sorry
.

The chuckle rolled out of him even as he shook his head.

Babe, it’s okay
, he said, softly,
I know you still love me. And I still love you. That will never change. I’m still in here, aren’t I?

She almost see him lay his hand on the place over her heart.

Yes,
she said.

Will I ever leave?

Slowly Beth shook her head, seeing his face in memory.
No.

Ruth was there, too, half sitting on Matt’s headstone, looking at her with her wise eyes and shaking her head.

Love doesn’t stop with dying
, she said, with a glance at Matt for affirmation.
You don’t stop loving the ones who go on. They stay with you forever.

And it doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else
, Matt added, gently.
We all have room in our hearts for others.

Beth ducked her head, looked out across the sunlit hills.

Life is about risks
, Ruth said.
There’s only one path to go, Beth. Forward. The past is done, you can’t live there with us. We’re gone
.

“I’m know,” Beth whispered. “I’m afraid.”

She hesitated, then gave voice to her fear.

“I don’t want to lose him, too.”

And then there was Matt, his voice soft.
I know
.

Ruth nodded.

“He could die,” Beth said.

There are no guarantees in life
, Ruth said.
He might. We did
.

She could almost feel Matt brush her hair back over her shoulder as he used to do.

It was an accident, Beth
, he said, gently.
My death was just a stupid accident. I was walking along the road. The driver was drunk. A random accident. Ruth died of cancer.

We all die of something
, Ruth said.

It’s living that matters
, Matt added.
You can’t live our dream, but you can live your own, and his.

“How do I stop being afraid?” Beth asked.

Ruth barked out a chuckle.
Oh, baby, if only I knew the answer to that!

Think of the love, not the fear
, Matt said.
If you’d known that I was going to die, would you not have loved me? Would you have given up what we had? Do you regret it?

The thought was piercing.

“No,” she whispered.

There’s your answer
, Ruth said.
The truth is, you can live in it or with it. The first time will be the hardest, watching him race, but it will get easier each time.

“Matt,” she said, feeling them fade.

Babe
, he said gently.
You can’t lose me. I’m a part of you now and I always will be. I’ll always be right here.

For a moment she could almost feel his lips on her forehead.

It’s not about one or the other, love
, he said.
I always told you that you had a right to be happy and you do.

You can do this, sweetie
, Ruth said.
You can.

The question you have to ask yourself
, Matt said,
is, do you love him more than the fear
?

It was getting close to post time and Josh was beginning to give up on the idea that Beth was coming. Resigned, he pulled on his protective gear, especially the vest that had likely saved his life in that last race, as uncomfortable as it was to wear. Russ helped make sure it was settled properly in place. Once he was racing Josh would hardly notice it any more than he would notice the heat.