The Girl I Last Loved (21 page)

I nodded and she went running. A few minutes later Kasam came. She was wearing a yellow plain saree. The whole thing wasn’t giving a positive vibe. On finding me, her expression got bitter. She said something in that little girl’s ear and marched towards me.

“Let’s go outside,” she said in a whispering voice.

Still confused, I followed her.

When we were standing in her garden, I finally managed to ask “What’s going on?”

“You can’t just come in here and ask what’s going on?” she said in a fury.

I stood in silence but my eyes were still asking the same.

“I am getting married,” she announced.

I wasn’t able to believe what I just heard.

“You are what…?” I repeated.

She didn’t say any further.

“Are you nuts?” I yelled.

She didn’t reply.

“Listen Kasam, all this is a big mistake. I accept I screwed big time the other day at my place, but that doesn’t mean you will get back at me like this.”

“Wow Akash! Everything is about you, isn’t it? I am not getting married to get back at you. I am tired of this lonely life and people asking me when will I be getting married. So now I am!”

“Then marry me. I love you. Forgive me,” I don’t know where I was headed but my words were not in my control.

“Do you? Do you really love me?” she questioned.

I looked into her eyes.

“Akash, try loving yourself first, then love someone else. You were never confident enough to accept my love for you. Even if I love you indefinitely, you will reject it. I will respect you but you won’t feel it because of your self-created shell. You keep me on such a high pedestal – I don’t want that. The other day I was just a girl who loved you and was asking for your love in return. You weren’t able to give me that,” she almost yelled and then controlled herself.

“But I am here now and I am repetitively telling you that I love you.”

“
Aaj meri haldi hai
,” she said in a low tone.

I breathed in, gripped her hands in mine and said, “Listen. I was wrong. I let go of a million moments to tell how I feel about you. But today, if you go forward with this decision, I am sorry to say you will ruin what we have. You will be wrong. So don’t do this.”

“I can live with someone knowing that he doesn’t love me but I can’t live with someone who makes me feel he loves me but still lacks the courage to directly say it in words. I will be waiting for you to say so… I will love you but you will distance yourself from me, thinking you don’t deserve my love. With Utsav, I knew what I was going to have. With you I will have expectations and that will kill me,” she screamed.

I left her hand.

“You are marrying Utsav, the one guy who ruined your life?”

She didn’t add anything. I pressed my forehead and then I just lost it.

“You know what Kasam? Your problem is you think you can invent happiness. All these years you have been doing so. Singing in trains… writing stuff on balloons… wearing weird combination dresses… decorating your home with little things.

“Those are just your excuses, not happiness. If I can’t accept love, then you can’t accept happiness. You are a motivator, I get it. You analyse others’ problems. But you know what? Doing that has paralysed your mind. You bring out fictitious problems in everything. You complicate things.”

“Just get out,” Kasam yelled at the top of her voice.

“Huh! I am standing here, telling you to come with me and you are marrying Utsav?”

I faked a laugh.

Kasam’s eyes were red and her body was stiff.

I had nothing else to say to the girl standing in front of me… to the girl I last loved, except, “I would have wished you a happy married life but I won’t, because even if you won’t be, you will find out a way to fake it.”

Soon someone called out her name and she started walking away from me.

The one girl I loved walked away from me…

The girl who changed my life…

The girl who never bid goodbye…

…but who always left me alone…

The girl I last loved…

Chapter 19

3 Months Later

Lights off.

Head on the floor.

Legs on the sofa. Drunk.

Bottles, the only friend and always by my side.

Too numb to decide whether in pain or lonely, angry, sad or terrified. Any other options were definitely not applicable.

3 More Months Later

Lights off.

Legs on the floor.

Head on the sofa. Partially drunk.

Bottles, the only friend and always by my side.

Too numb to decide whether in pain, or lonely, angry, sad, or terrified. Any other options were definitely not applicable.

3 More Months Later

Legs on a run.

Mind in one piece.

Returned to my workaholic phase. I often wonder if I didn’t have my work, how would I have survived? From time to time it has taken me in its shelter and rescued me from outside world.

Weekends were the odds.

Drunk, as I saw my life beyond work.

Drunk, as I was alone.

Drunk, as I wanted no one but her.

So many times I have seen in movies that when you miss something or you want something, that is all you can see around you. When a couple wishes to get pregnant, they see babies all around. When you need a date, you start seeing even your office receptionist differently. When you are in love, you see people kissing, holding hands all around.

I was having the practical experience of this overutilised theory. I saw couples all around. Not of just our age but of all ages. When I saw couples who were younger than me, I thought of the moments which could have been ours if we had taken the chance eight years back. When I see couples of my age, I know what I am missing at this very moment. When I see a couple older than me, I repent not having such a future to look forward to.

It was just the other day. I saw a schoolgoing couple and the guy was holding the girl’s bag. I never got that chance. The girl smiled, while throwing glances at him. I never got those glances.

Sometimes while driving during lunch hour, I saw a few college-going students hanging out. Most of these couples wore matching dresses. One day I spotted a couple, both sporting checked red shirts. They looked awesome together. I often imagined what life could have been for them. It must be about coffee from the college canteen. Sitting together in the library, holding hands below the table. Gang fight for that girl. Lying at home about group study to catch a late night movie. Futile attempts to change each other. Listening to songs from one iPod, sharing a sandwich, frequent visits to
Archies
gallery, sneaking out from your group. That guy might have tried to rescue his girl from colliding bastards while they travelled in bus. Staring into eyes without any reason. SMSing, covered under the sheet all night long. I never got a chance to live that life. I lost all that time, all those moments. I never knew this at that time – with each passing day, I missed days which could have been my history. Our love story.

However hard I tried not to see couples, the more they came into my view.

While jogging I saw a couple jogging together; An old lady who always wiped her husband’s head while doing power walk. I saw our faces in them, Smiled for a moment and then came back to my senses as it was never going to be true.

I saw a married couple sending their kid to school and waving at him together. Will I never have those moments? I kept on questioning myself. One day I spotted a wife insisting to her husband to climb the stairs in spite of the elevator. I smiled at her concern. Once I saw a husband fighting with his wife for holding all the carrybags by herself as she was pregnant. I thought what that might feel like. Having a wife… having a kid… finally having a family, which was yours.

The other day I saw a boy wiping off chocolate syrup from his girls lips in CCD.

At others, I saw various couples feeding each other.

Those couples, who just stepped into the corporate world, struggling to make time for each other, still when they met at the end of the day’s struggle, all seemed worthwhile.

When I saw an old couple sitting in the balcony of their flat, she had her head on his shoulder and he supported her by holding her waist. They were enjoying the warm sunlight and both of them fell asleep after some time. I stood there, watching them for hours. Perhaps a tear trickled down my eyes at my loss.

I saw couples everywhere – at the beaches, in the train, at work, in my apartment building, on the way, in the restaurants. There was no escape.

It happened to me a few days back. On a Friday night, I was dining at a restaurant and the waiter kept asking me whether anyone would be joining me. I thought he was mad or what. Then after serving the food, the waiters started moving from table to table with trays filled with roses, asking the man, “Would you like to present a rose to the lady?” I realised I was the only one sitting alone there. Candles were lit everywhere. There was a special menu for two. Lights were dim. And then a violinist played some notes. Now I understood why he was asking me whether anyone would join me. I just finished my food and headed out. While going back, I read Friday nights were couple’s night special.

I was hitting the higher side of twenty-eight.

Whenever I opened my Facebook page, notifications flooded with changed relationship status. Guys were getting engaged.

Most of my female friends were already married.

Every day pictures of marriage ceremony and engagement made me feel like I was running out of time for these. I was hell tired of buying gifts for guy’s engagements and girl’s baby showers. Sometimes I got confused. Did I miss not being part of such stuff or having something coming up or I really missed Kasam.

One random day I was not at all randomly thinking about the time we spent together. I got reminded of Dad. I remembered her exact words. She recalled those days when I used to quote Dad’s words all the time. How did I move so far away from home? I picked my cell and called him, “Hello.”

“Akash,” he answered.

“Aap kaise hain?”

“I am good.”

For a few more minutes we discussed about my life and career. Then he told me about the new research paper he was working on. I suggested to him not to take so much stress. Then he gave the phone to Maa. It didn’t matter how many days had passed but all she asked was whether I was getting food or not. Dad was back.

“You alright?” he asked me.

I paused.

“Akash?” he uttered.

“Yes, I am fine.”

One of the best things about growing old is you learn to hide your feelings even from those who used to see through you.

I missed her all the time. When I opened my eyes in the morning I missed her not lying by my side. When I got up, I missed not seeing her brushing her wet hair with a towel. I missed her not passing me the juice during breakfast. I missed her yelling out about not taking my wallet or mobile and getting them for me. I missed not saving her image in my eyes before leaving for work. I missed kissing her goodbye at the door. Whenever I looked at my kitchen’s window from the parking, I missed her not standing there, watching me till I leave… waving to me. I missed not getting abrupt calls during meetings. I missed the anxiety to reach home early. I missed the way she would have opened the door for me. If sometimes I would have arrived early, I would have to make coffee for her. I missed her massaging my head if I had some work-related issue. I missed trying to knit her hair. I missed sitting on this sofa together, fighting for the remote. I missed letting her win and then watching romantic comedies. I missed lying in the corner of this hall. Her sitting in my lap… I smelling her hair, knowing it’s forever. I missed her, kneeling her head on my chest and then going to sleep. I even missed the fight we never had. I missed the kisses. The hugs. The warmth.

I missed not making all that happen.

I missed the very possibility of her being with me.

Chapter 20