The Ghost Apple (16 page)

If you’re a nature lover, you probably already know that St. Renard has one of the most unusual (and least diligently policed) national preserves in the Caribbean. Biddy Plimpton, a colorful local smuggler and biopirate, offers a new eco-adventure tour through
Raginherdsted National Forest
. All you need is a pair of boots, a handgun, great night vision, the ability to follow orders, and an appetite for tree frogs, orchids, and psychoanalgesic sap.

There are tons of charters and equipment rentals available for water-sports fanatics, whether you’re into scuba diving, fishing, or just buzzing around the harbor on a Jet Ski. But whatever you do, don’t miss our Ghost Reef, which, as of 2008, was the only fully bleached coral reef in the Caribbean.

History buffs will love the ruins of our sugar mills and boiling houses. In colonial times, there were about thirty sugar estates on the island. They’ve all been consolidated into one operation under the stewardship of Big Anna® Brands, but most of the old haciendas and mills are still standing, some of which provide temporary shelter for descendants of the very slaves who worked in them long ago. Let
ignorance
be your guide as you stroll through the countryside, carried away by thoughts of a simpler time.

Finally, did somebody say beaches, beaches, beaches? St. Renard has more than twenty public beaches, and you’re guaranteed to find the special place that’s right for you. Whether you want a quiet spot where you can do some wading or a bustling cruising ground where you can pick up a
fancy boy
or a dusky
mulatta mama
, St. Renard has the beach for you. So get out the sunblock, fill your thermos with Big Anna® brand Coconut Wine™, and ease your plush, puckered body into the sand!

Where to Stay

Adventurous visitors may want to check out
Colonia Tropical by Big Anna
®, a resort unlike any other in the Caribbean. You’ll sign one-, two-, and three-week contracts promising to Work™ a few hours each day in Big Anna’s beautiful sugarcane fields and lush banana plantations. In exchange, your room and board (hearty meals of salt cod, breadfruit, and cornmeal) are absolutely free. If you agree to a long-term stay, you may even find Big Anna® willing to cover your travel expenses. The décor ranges from Renardenne traditional to minimalist chic, but we guarantee that the décor is the last thing you’ll be thinking about!

For visitors who prefer to take their leisure straight up, there’s
Hertfordshire’s Plantation Inn Resort and Spa
. This peaceful all-inclusive offers a heavy swallow of relaxation and water-centric fun served up with just a dash of history. Period cottages, many of them original structures, are tucked away beneath the glorious palms and majestic silk-cotton trees, while the great house is the inn’s social hub. Activities include polo, trap and skeet shooting, lawn bowls, quoits, cribbage, croquet, and sundowners. But for innkeeper Maxwell Hertfordshire, a descendant of the plantation’s founder, the beauty is in the details: elegant four-poster canopy beds dripping with mosquito netting, antique furnishings, curios, and hardwood floors as dark as the hotel staff. Says Hertfordshire, “We don’t make sugar anymore, but literally nothing else has changed.” All the luxury of a bygone era, all the convenience of the present, all included in one fixed price. Try a “Colonial Martini,” a traditional cocktail made with pure cane juice and ether (sometimes called a “Postcolonial Martini”).

If that doesn’t make your left arm tingle, we’ve got something that will: St. Renard’s most economical all-inclusive is definitely
United States Offshore Detention Facility (USODF)
, a 1,750-cell property in sleepy Sin Orgullo. The facility boasts Danish “showers,” a huge dining room, and a fully appointed exercise yard. Except for a few folks who are advised to volunteer for voluntary scientific informational programs and optional discussions with staff, guests aren’t required to do anything but kick back and wait for mealtimes. The USODF is perfect for anyone who needs to get some thinking done.

Where to Eat

St. Renard has some of the best food in the Caribbean, and because of our rich colonial history, you can find cuisine from all around the world available at prices that even locals find competitive.

Start at
Pompey’s
, where you can get traditional Renardenne slave food served up in American-size portions. Roasted breadfruit, plantains, salt cod, curry goat, and cornmeal porridge are just a few of the highlights, and everything is served on heavy platters, banana leaves, or wax paper. Wash it down with sea grape brandy, called “el consuelo de muerte” by the island’s Spanish speakers. This hearty fare is traditionally eaten with the hands, so leave your hang-ups at home and bring your big American appetite!

For those visitors with continental tastes, the old Danish neighborhood of Mareridt Strand, just southwest of downtown San Cristobal, provides all kinds of great options. For breakfast, head to
Cafe Danske
Hjerteanfald
for traditional Danish goodies like wienerbrød, horn, birkes, spanske, rundstykker, haandvaerker, and krydder. For lunch, track down a pølsevogn, and if you’re in the mood for a longer sit-down meal in the evening, head to
Myokardieinfarkt
for frikadeller, hakkebøf, and medisterpølse. American eating habits don’t always mix well with Danish cuisine, but there’s a great “sygehus” in Mareridt Strand for anyone who overdoes it!

Finally, don’t leave St. Renard without sampling the delicacies of our bright blue sea. Head down to the wharf in
Port Kingston
, or visit some of the
nearby alleyways
, for fresh-caught seafood. Some species of fish are so endangered, you could be the last person who ever tastes them!

Nightlife

First, head to
Tia Mamita’s
in Buzzard Point, a repurposed waterfront brothel turned chic nighttime cruising ground for locals and yachties alike. Make sure to try all the signature cocktails. There’s the “Ostenfeld,” made with Renardenne white rum, acacia powder, sweet prune juice, sodium picosulfate, and tons of ice. Next up, a “Pinker Shade of Pale”: Big Anna® brand Coconut Wine™, pink gin, and sunblock (SPF 50). Chase that with the house specialty, a delicious and addictive “Ghost Appletini,” made with St. Renard’s own miracle fruit, the Carawak or “Ghost” Apple. Prices are reasonable, and sometimes the staff will even accept a little food or a pair of kids’ shoes in lieu of payment.

Once you’re good and liquored up, go watch the islanders dance for you at
Circe and Spice
, where local bands play all the soca standards, plus their own tropical versions of American pop hits. It’s a charming, floor-show parody of Caribbean culture!

If you’ve got a morbid turn of mind, or even if you’re just lost in boozy dreams of violence and desolation, head out to the
mass grave of the Carawak people
. The Old World meets the New at this uniquely historic Renardenne attraction. Make sure to bring a heavy crucifix and a thermos full of manchineel juice, and don’t forget to bang on some pots and pans as you approach the central mound!

March 7 through March 13 is
Carnival
week, when locals pay tribute to the island’s namesake, Saint Reynard of Antillia, whose feast day is March 13. This is a great time to let your hair down and blow off a little steam. There are parades, festival games, and plenty of authentic Renardenne friction dancing. In the riotous Port Kingston marketplace, there are even private stalls and enclosures for anyone with a taste for the rack and the screw, but don’t stay away too long: The festival culminates in a bloody reenactment of the saint’s life! Don’t be surprised if you see locals engaging in some ecstatic prophesy, a Renardenne tradition that dates back to the early days, when new arrivals on the island would enter mystical trances in order to beg the great kings of Africa to intercede on their behalf!

Don’t Even Think About It! Buy Your Ticket Today!

Take a stroll down to any of our soft beaches, look out at the maddening beauty of the blue water, feel the sun on your sunburn, and just soak it in. There’s no reason to be haunted by visions of the slave ships in which we suffered and died (10 to 15 percent of us!) on the voyage into bondage. In fact, hardly anyone knows anything about the history of the New World, and most people don’t even care!

St. Renard is a quick flight from the North American mainland, or you can “stow away” on a container ship and enjoy a longer trip at sea. Why wait? For more information, give us a call today. We don’t have a phone in the office yet, but our mobile numbers are on the website!

Spring Semester

From: “Maggie Bell”

To: [email protected]

Date: January 5, 2010, at 3:05 PM

Subject: RE: Hi

 

Dear Bill,

Thank you so much for the kind words and the book of poetry. I've always wanted to read Professor Carlyle's work. I'm surprised by how, um, lucid it is, given what I know about him . . .

I'm feeling a little better, yes. I feel good about my decision to go away. I think it's the right thing. I had a really tough semester. I wish I could say why. It wasn't like I had a bad breakup or Becca turned out to be a racist or whatever. It wasn't so simple. I just kind of felt more and more alone. Partly I got frustrated because I felt like my old friends weren't really growing up, and partly it was just that I started to think about what it really meant to be a black person in America. Kabaka had a lot to do with it too. But it's good, it's a necessary process. I don't know. I hope that going to St. Renard will clarify things a little.