The Game Series (83 page)

I’m trying to fight the pounding in my head and throbbing in my cheek by staring at the blank screen of my cell phone. The afternoon sun is glaring through the dirty window, illuminating my bed and dancing off the screen.

I haven’t switched the phone on since I left Verity Point. It’s stayed in the drawer of the night stand, off, probably collecting messages. Such a huge part of me wants to turn it on to see them, but I know they’ll make me go back and I can’t.

I head out of my motel room and walk downtown. The fresh air helps to clear my head, and when my legs get sore from walking, I detour to McDonalds and order a Happy Meal. I open the box and pull out the toy. Optimus Prime.

Kyle’s favorite.

Sigh. I tuck the tiny figure into my pocket and stare out the window as I eat. If it’s not Cam, its Kyle, and vice versa. One of them is always in my head and hurting my heart. Time flies as I sit here, letting the world pass me by.

And I’m wondering if I’m numb always. Is there too much pain inside me that I really can’t feel anything anymore? No. I can still feel – it’s why they encompass my every waking moment, stealing my thoughts.

I stare at my cell again and turn it on, switching it to airplane mode before any messages come through. It’s to the point I don’t even know the date. Last night was a wake up call, a kick up the ass, but that doesn’t change the fact I’ve spent all day every day in a state of oblivion since I left home.

Shit. The date.

I go to my calendar, and I’m taunted by the red dot on the space showing five days ago. Taunted. Warned. Threatened. It stares at me and I blink at it, frozen in this spot. I don’t know how I missed that.

I don’t know how I missed being late.

~

Run. That was my first thought as I left McDonalds two days ago. Run and hide and get out of Portland. I can’t drink now – how can I? How can I do that knowing there could be something… a
baby…
growing inside me? I can’t. No way.

I left the restaurant, stopped by a drugstore and the motel, and got the bus back to Verity. For the last two days I’ve been hiding out at the gorge trying to clear my head.

I need to run, and this is the only place I have to hide.

My hand grazes over the tree trunks while I walk around aimlessly. The rough bark is much like my thoughts; chopping and changing every second. I can barely think straight for all the craziness up there right now.

I know hiding isn’t the answer, and I know I can’t hide up here forever, but I can’t go home without knowing. It would be easier if I could talk to someone about this, but I can’t. If I’m too scared to answer myself there’s no way I can answer someone else right now.

Besides, the one person that needs the answer isn’t around. The one person that deserves the truth and would hold me as I wait isn’t here. That’s something I only have myself to blame for.

I pushed him away. I pushed him away with the same force I held him to me with so many times. I’d do anything to pull him back to me right now. I’m just too stubborn to apologize.

I’m too stubborn and afraid and guilty to grab my phone and dial his number. I’m too chicken to give him the truth he deserves. The truth he needs.

The truth that’s both our faults. It’s the age old cliché as always – caught up in the moment and forgot to use protection. I’ve never forgotten before –
ever
– but I did with Kyle. I forgot to reach into the drawer in my nightstand and grab the little foil packet.

If I had I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t be hiding out like a fugitive, bathing in my own guilt and fear. I’d be in Portland still, probably, wondering what the hell to do. Wondering whether to come home or not.

Now the white box taunts me as the corner of it pokes out of my bag. It begs me to rip off the plastic wrapping and get the answer I’m so desperately craving. But I won’t. I won’t because I keep hoping I’ll get the courage to call him…even though I know it’s not gonna happen.

My cell screen blinks at me as I check through the calendar one more time like I’ve miscounted one hundred times. I haven’t.

Silence.

That’s all that’s here.

It lets me think. It makes me think.

I’ve accepted no one is going to find me up here. It really is the perfect hiding place. There’s no prying eyes, no whispers, no anything.

I didn’t go home last night. I wanted to, but I’m not ready to talk to anyone yet. I’m not ready to tell everyone what’s going on.

Hell, I need to find out for myself still.

The little white box stares at me again. The words burn into my brain, searing into my memory, and it’s just begging me to pick it up.

It’s the only way I’ll get my answer. I’m a week late now. I either am or I’m not.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I am.

I don’t know how I’ll tell Kyle.

I grab the box and pull off the plastic wrapping. My fingers run around the edges of the box, my eyes following their path.

I could know in five minutes. I could have the answer I’ve been waiting for. I could put an end to my wondering and my worrying and find out for certain.

I could.

I don’t know if I will. I don’t know if I’m still ready to know, as crazy as the not knowing is driving me.

Maybe I will.

Maybe I won’t.

I slam my phone down on the sofa. Another call reaching voicemail. At this point I have to ask myself if the only reason I’m calling her is to hear her voice, like that means she’s okay.

“When did you last see her?”

“Ten days ago,” Ray answers. “She’d had a rough night so we let her leave work early on Saturday.”

“A rough night? How?”

“We broke up,” I offer quietly. Guiltily. Myra reaches forward and grasps my hand, squeezing my fingers with what little strength she has left.

Ten days and she’s finally accepted calling the cops is our only option, no matter what the outcome is.

“Okay.” The officer scribbles something on her pad. “And you say her brother died at the beginning of the year? Cameron?”

Myra nods.

“Ah, I remember that,” the other cop says, shaking his head. “Terrible crash.”

We’re all silent for a moment. Like we need him to tell us that.

“And you think her disappearing act is related to that?”

“Of course it is.” My sister walks through the front door. “Everyone knows that.”

“Iz,” I warn.

“And you are?” The officer raises his eyebrows in her direction.

“Her best friend and a psychology major, more than qualified to answer questions on her state of mind.”

“Iz!” I stand. “Go home.”

“My best friend is missing and you want me to go home?”

“Yeah. I’ll call you later. Please, Iz.”

She sighs heavily. “I came to get the café keys. I’ll open today.”

“On the side in the hall,” Ray tells her.

“Thanks.” She grabs the keys, glances at us all, and slams the door behind her.

I sit down and look at the cops. “I’m sorry about my sister. She’s worried about Roxy.” 

“Its fine,” the older officer answers. “So to summarize, you kids broke up, she left work, then disappeared. And she definitely went of her own choice?”

“Yes,” Myra answers.

“The combination of those things, and her brother’s death, caused her to run, correct?”

Run.

“That’s correct.”

“Do you have any idea where she would hide?”

Hide.

“I know,” I say slowly. “I know where she is.”

Of course. There’s only place she’d go.

Our spot.

I push past the officers and run into the gorge like I’m possessed. Branches catch my shirt but I don’t care. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this straight away. I should have known.

This is where I took her to hide when she needed to run.

I gave her the escape and the hideout.

Now I need to be her rock.

I need to fix this and take her home. Where she belongs.

I pause at the small clearing. She’s sitting against a tree, her knees bent up, and she’s looking at something in her hands. She puts her legs down and I get a glimpse of what’s in her hands.

A white stick.

What is…?

Oh shit.

“Something you wanna share, Rox?”

Oh no.

Slowly I raise my eyes and swallow. Kyle’s standing between two trees, his hands resting on each of them, and his eyes steady on me.

“How did you find me?”

“Doesn’t matter.” He walks toward me and I try to hide the test. It’s pointless. He’s already seen it. He knows what it is.

“Um,” I stutter.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know yet,” I whisper. “I’m still waiting.”

He takes a deep breath and sits on the ground next to me, looping his arms around his knees. “I’m waiting with you. Then you can tell me what motherfucker gave you that black eye.”

He doesn’t ask who’s baby it would be if it’s positive. He doesn’t doubt for a second it’d be his.

I nod slowly and pull the test back out from my sleeve. The little hourglass is spinning in the bottom corner of the screen and every turn seems like an hour instead of a second. My hand is shaking as I hold onto the test. My heart is pounding with fear, spreading it through my body. I feel sick. I can’t breathe. Until—

“Negative,” I breathe out.

I drop the test as relief hits me. My hands rubs down my face and I let out a long breath. Kyle’s eyes are burning into the side of my head, and I know it’s time to be honest with him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks softly.

“That night… The first time we had sex, on Iz’s birthday, we didn’t use protection.” I stand and walk a couple of steps. “I drove to Portland the next afternoon and got the morning after pill when I realized, and I thought it was taken care of. I didn’t think about it anymore, like, at all. I completely shut it out. On Saturday, when I left work… I went to Portland with Layla. You didn’t believe anymore, so I had nothing left to believe in, and I practically drank the week away. That’s how I got this.” I touch my cheek and relay to him what happened that night.

“He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

“Not apart from this. I kneed him in the balls and ran like hell.” I take a deep breath and continue before he can stop me. “But this… I only realized I was late two days ago. I didn’t tell you because I was scared. Maybe it would have been different if we didn’t break up… But I couldn’t just call you up and be all, “Hey, I know you just walked away from our relationship, but just so you know, I could be having your baby,” could I? That’s why I didn’t tell you. I was hurting and I was scared.”

The ground crunches beneath his feet. Kyle grabs me and pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around my body. I circle his waist with my arms and bury my face into him the way he is to me as tears drip from my eyes.

“Fuck the break up,” he says into my hair. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I wish you’d told me, Rox. You wouldn’t have had to run and hide and do that test alone. You have to know I would have been here.”

I shake my head. “I thought you didn’t care. What if it had been different?”

“It wouldn’t have mattered!” He pulls back and lifts my face so he’s looking in my eyes. “I would have been here either way for whatever. The break up is all bullshit. Everything I said is crap. It means nothing, okay? Forget it ever happened. I don’t care about that anymore. I just care you’re okay. That’s all that matters to me. I’ve been so fucking worried about you, you can’t even imagine.”

He presses his lips to mine, and I sink into his hold, feeling a tiny piece of my heart mend.

“I really thought you didn’t care,” I whisper in a thick voice, dropping my eyes.

“Oh, Rox.” He laughs and strokes my cheek with his thumb. “I more than fucking care about you. I love you.”

Hold your horses.
My eyes snap up to his. A small smile is playing on his lips, his eyes clear and raw.

“Wha?” is all I manage.

“I love you.
I
love you. I love
you.
The old you and the new you. Every part of you. I fell for the person you are right now and I wouldn’t have you any other way. You don’t have to change to be the person I want you to be because you’re already there. You’re already her.”

I swallow, his words sinking in, and run my fingers through his hair. “Really?”

“Yep.” He nods. “I. Love. You. Are we clear?”

“Not quite.” I step closer to him and let my lips curl into my own smile. “We’re missing something.”

“We are?”

I curl my other hand around his neck and pull his face down to mine. I touch our lips together firmly, and he brings our bodies together. His arms wrap my waist and mine wrap his neck until there’s no space between us.

“Kyle?” I whisper.

“Roxy?”

I open my eyes to his and stare at him for a moment. “I love you too.”

~

“I’m sorry. For last week.” I run my finger up and down his arm.

“Me too,” he replies.

“I should have listened to you. I shouldn’t have gone mad at you when you asked me if I’d bought from Layla.”

“I shouldn’t have asked you, Rox. I should have trusted you.”

“Yeah, maybe, but I should have believed you enough to know you didn’t ask to piss me off.”

“It would have been a success if that was my aim,” he mutters into my hair.

“Shut up.” I smile. “I’m sorry for being a bitch to you too. I was just trying to make a point, I guess.”

“Well it worked,” Kyle gives me. “Although I don’t think it was quite the outcome we were expecting.”

I shake my head. “I didn’t actually think you would walk away the way you did,” my voice trails off.

“Hey.” Kyle holds me tighter to him and I turn my face to look at him when he puts his fingers in my hair. “I was bluffing. Do you really think I could have walked away from you like that? I was always going to come back to you. Always.”

“Then what took you so long to get here?” I tease.

“I only just realized where you were. I’ve been living at your parents for the last few days looking after your mom and running the café with the girls.”

“Looking after my mom?” my voice quivers.

“Uh… Crap. She broke down when you disappeared.”

Tears burn my eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run away.”

Kyle pulls me tight to him. “Shit, Rox. You scared the ever-loving life out of me. I’ve never, ever felt that way before and I hope I never have to again. I was so fucking scared you were gone. Really gone.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat.

“As soon as I realized you were here I left your house like my ass was on fire. Would you believe I got up here in less than ten minutes?” He raises his eyebrows and smirks.

I grin. “Impressive. Did you have Red Bull for breakfast or something?”

“No. I just needed you.”

I curl into him, feeling every part of our bodies touching.

After everything we’re here. Heartbreak from death and heartbreak from love. And I’m sitting here, his arms around me, and wishing we didn’t have to move.

“Please don’t ever do that again.” His voice is thick with emotion, and I hug him tightly.

“I promise. Never again.”

“Good. I love you too much to feel like that again.”

“As long as you promise to never walk away like that again.”

He opens his eyes to mine. “I promise. Only you.”

“Always you.”

Our lips linger together for a long moment.

“We have to go now, don’t we?” I ask in a small voice.

“Yep.” He sighs. “I text your mom so she knows you’re okay, but she’ll want to see you. She’s so worried about you, Rox.”

I swallow. Guilt hits me hard. “I know. I’ve been so horrible to her, and Dad.”

“As much as I hate to, I have to agree with you. You’ve been pretty fucking awful.”

“You know, I can be mad at you again if you want.”

Kyle laughs and helps me stand. “Just because you’re not mad at me anymore doesn’t mean I won’t still tell you as it is. Besides, you don’t stay mad at me for long.”

I glance at him. “That can be changed, you know.”

He grabs me from behind and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “No, it can’t be. We usually end up
very
close after you’ve been mad at me, so you won’t let it last too long.”

Damn him for being right.

“And as much as I hate to let you go, you do have to go and talk to your mom… And the police.”

Uh-uh. I did it this time, didn’t I?

“Stay.” I stop and turn. “Please. Even if you’re just in the house.”

“You have to do this, not me.”

“I know that.” I fist the front of his shirt and rest my forehead against his chest. “But it’s gonna hurt, isn’t it? I’m gonna have to remember it all. I’m gonna have to be honest about how much I’ve been hurting. And… We’re gonna talk about the night he died.” My chest tightens. “You’re the only person I’ve spoken to about it.”

He strokes my back and takes a deep breath. “Okay, but I’m staying upstairs. This is your talk with your parents – you guys have a lot to sort out. I’m only staying because I know you’ll need me after.”

We’re both thinking about the day I broke down in the woods and told him about the night Cam died. There’s no way I could have stayed sane if it wasn’t him holding me after.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Kyle kisses the top of my head. “Come on. Let’s take you home.”

I walk back with him, his arm wrapped around my body which is curled into him. Nothing is scaring me more than the conversation I know I’m about to have with my mom and dad. This is going to be as hard as walking away from the hospital.

Except this time I’m not numb. By the time we left the hospital, I’d gone through every emotion I could and I was exhausted. I’d cried and screamed and hit the walls. I’d screamed even louder and sobbed even harder and given everything into trying to break the wall. When we left, I had nothing left to give. I had nothing left to feel.

This time I have it all.

I have the pain and the anger. I have the sadness and the guilt. I have the grief and the regret.

This time, I have Kyle.

I can’t help but wonder how different the last few months would have been had he come back for the funeral. If he’d been here we would have had each other like we do now.

If he’d been here, I might have been going to college this year instead of next.

“Ready?” he squeezes my shoulders.

I nod and we turn the corner. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, at least.

“Roxy.” Mom runs to me as soon as Kyle opens the door, and I fall into her embrace. Dad’s arms go around us both, and they’re both crying.

It hits me now, between both my parents, how selfish I’ve been. They’ve needed me as much as I’ve needed to forget, but I didn’t think about them. All I could think about was myself, my own pain, my own guilt.

I lost my brother, but they lost their son.

That day we all lost a member of our family. We all lost our best friend, our light, our joker. We all lost our star.

“I’m sorry,” I cry into Mom’s shoulder. “I am so, so sorry.”

“You’re here now.” Dad kisses the side of my head. “Everyone is exactly where they should be.”