The Gambler (42 page)

For a moment her body went absolutely tense, and then, letting her air out in a sudden rush, she threw herself against his chest.

Without thought, his arms wrapped about her and his eyes fell closed. She felt like heaven, like food to a starving man, but reality was a hard thing for him to ignore, and it nudged him finally, so that he pressed her away a gentle inch.

"Did I misunderstand myself?" he asked quietly. "Or did I just say I didn't care for you?"

"You did," she whispered, and in that moment he felt her fine, slim body shiver against him. "But you made fists. You always make fists when you lie."

"I do not."

"Yes you do," she sniffed.

"Charm..." He tried to push her away.

"You saved me," she said, refusing to let him go but drawing back slightly so that she was looking into his eyes with an earnestness that made him ache. "You came when I needed you. I know you don't want to believe it, Raven, because I've been so difficult. But you care for me a little. And maybe, someday..."

He saw her throat constrict and the tears well up again.

"Maybe some day, if I try really hard you'll..." She stopped speaking, and another tear fell, following the salty course set by its predecessors.

It made his chest ache. Against his will Raven lifted his hand to gently swipe it away. His fingers were shaking, he noticed with some despair. "Don't make me say it, Charm," he whispered. "Leave me some pride."

Her emerald eyes looked frantic. With hope? He wondered, but squelched the thought, refusing to allow himself to believe.

"Why? Why pride?" she asked. "What good has it done us so far?"

He watched her closely and realized with rare clarity that she was right. Pride was a fool's excuse to fail, but he was scared, more scared than he'd ever been in his life.

"Just for this moment," she whispered. "Just for now, let's be honest."

"You want honesty?" he asked suddenly, his muscles painfully tight. "Then I'll tell you honestly. I'm a selfish bastard, Charm. Just like my father. Not some—"

"I love you."

Her words slashed across his senses, rattling his world to a halt.

Neither breathed. Her face was very pale, and against his back her hands shook.

Never in Raven's life had he been more frightened than now. He swallowed hard. "I love you... more than life itself," came his broken response.

For a moment she stared at him with her soul in her eyes, and then her head fell against his chest and she hugged him with quaking fierceness.

Time halted, binding them together like lost children.

"Were you aware that my ribs are cracked, Charm?" Raven asked finally.

"Oh," she breathed and eased quickly away, wiping at her cheek with a hand that still shook. "I'm sorry."

"That's all right," he said and managed a grin.

She smiled back tentatively, making his chest hurt with the familiar pain. "What can I do to make it better?"

"Charm—" he began.

"Shh." She leaned forward, carefully avoiding his ribs as she set a finger to his lips. "Perhaps there might be something I could do."

"Charm..."

"There must be something, Raven. Bandages, ointments," she whispered. Leaning forward, she kissed him.

Every ounce of good sense fled, and for a moment Raven was kissing her back, but he pressed her away finally, employing every bit of quivering self-control he could dredge up. "Damn it, Charm," he rasped. "What the hell are you doing? This doesn't change anything. You think love makes everything right? Well, it doesn't."

"Then why did you make love to me the first time?" she whispered.

"Because I'm a weak-willed fool."

"I don't believe you."

"I am, but I'm not going to ruin your life. I'm not going to."

She bit her inner lip, and in that instant, he saw the light of hope flare boldly in her eyes. "Where does it hurt?" she whispered huskily.

It hurt in his soul, every time he looked at her, every time he thought of her turning away from him. "Dammit, Charm, this is no game."

"You think I believe this is a game? You think I'm not scared too?"

She was. He knew it. But she was braver than he. Women just were. His mother had been.

"I'm scared too, Raven. But what if we don't take the risk? What then?" Her fingers slipped, feather soft over his cheek, as if memorizing each line.

"Where does it hurt, Joseph?" she whispered again, and now she kissed his cheek, the corner of his mouth and the base of his throat, where his pulse leaped to meet her lips.

"Charm." He barely forced her name out on a warbling breath.

"Lower?" she whispered, and now he felt her kisses rain across his chest, eliciting a moan from his own body even before her tongue teased his nipple.

"God!" Raven groaned, gripping the bedsheet with frantic fingers.

The door swung open. "There ain't no... Hey!" said Clancy, coming to an abrupt halt. "What's going on here?"

"Save me, Clancy," pleaded Raven pathetically.

Clancy shook his head. "You crazy?"

"Clancy!" snapped Raven.

"All right. All right. Come on then, Miss Charm," said Bodine, approaching the bed. "Let's leave Joseph alone with his insanity."

Charm lifted her head and smiled. Raven loved her. She wasn't about to give up now. "Back off, Clancy!" she said sweetly. "I've got a fork in my garter."

"A fork? In your garter? Really?" He sounded intrigued. "I think she's threatening me, Joseph, but I'm not certain."

"Get her off me, Bodine. Don't let her scare you."

"Her bark is worse than her bite?"

"No," said Raven. "Her bite is pretty much deadly, but if you don't remove her soon, it'll be too late."

"Too late for what?"

"Just—" Raven drew a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Get her off."

"Come on, Miss Charm," coaxed Clancy again. Taking her arm, he tried to pull her away. Charm, however, had latched onto the sheet beneath Raven's body and held on tight.

Clancy pulled again then straightened. "Damn. Tough as a coon in a trap. I think you're stuck with her, boy."

"Get her up," ordered Raven.

"I'm not leaving you." Charm had lifted her body slightly from his, so that she could look directly into his eyes. "It doesn't matter what you do. I'll be back if I have to break out your window and tie myself to your bed. If I have to scream down the boat until the captain insists that you take me in."

"Good God, Charm!"

"I mean it, Raven. I won't leave you."

"She's just a pretty little mosquito, ain't she?" asked Clancy, chuckling.

"Can't you do anything more constructive than make inane comparisons?" asked Raven woefully.

"Nope. Don't think so."

"I'm not leaving, Raven."

He rolled his eyes. "All right. Just... Sit up."

She did so, slowly, carefully, still gripping the bedsheet in white-knuckled hands.

He took another deep breath. "You wanted the truth, Charm. So I told you the truth. What more do you want?"

"You."

Raven sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "You don't know what you're saying. My father—"

"You're not your father."

"Well, I'm not any goddamn saint, either."

"I don't want a saint, Joseph. I want you."

Raven scowled and exhaled again. "You don't know that, Charm. There'll be other men. Men better suited to—"

"You think I haven't met other men?"

"I know the kind of men you've met, Charm. I don't mean that kind. I mean decent men, men with upbringing, character and means."

"Rich men, you mean?" she asked.

"Yes." He nodded. "I suppose."

"Like Phelps?"

Raven gritted his teeth. "Goddamn it, Charm. You're not listening."

"Neither am I leaving," she said flatly.

"All right." Raven lifted his hands in defeat. "But I set the rules."

She smiled, just a little, because the joy that swept through her was consuming. "Yes, Raven."

"First..." He pointed his left index finger. "You don't sleep in here."

"I don't sleep. I—"

"Well, damn it all, you don't snatch in here either!" he stormed. "And that's final!"

"But—"

"No buts. I've already confused you enough without having all that..." He waved again, trying to find a decent way to voice his thoughts. But he could think of none. "All that... sexual... stuff to worry about."

"But—"

"No sex!" Raven insisted. A man passing in the hall tripped as he went by. They could see his startled expression as he continued on, trying to appear nonchalant. "Good God, I think I'm losing my mind."

"I think so too," said Clancy.

"You can stay," said Raven more evenly. "And we'll talk." He sighed. "For a while. But when I say to go, you have to go. All right?"

She smiled again then shrugged. "All right."

In the end, Charm spent almost every waking hour with Raven, time they spent talking of their pasts, their hopes, what made them solely unique. She propped him against his pillows, fed him roasted buffalo meat and lemonade and laughed at his protests when the icy liquid dripped onto his chest.

"Cold?"

"Good God, Charm, are you trying to give me a heart attack? It's bad enough that you sit so damn close."

She laughed again, thinking the sound very low and strangely familiar now, for he had been complaining constantly about her blatant attempts to seduce him. "Shall I lick it off?"

The air left his lungs in an audible hiss.

She lifted one corner of her mouth. "If you don't say something, I'm going to assume that's a yes."

"You're an evil woman, Charm."

"Fie, sir," she said, adopting that odd southern accent she sometimes did when flirting. "Do you forget I am your wife?"

"No." His tone was suddenly hoarse. "I don't forget." Their eyes met in a melding stroke of fire.

"Raven..."

He cleared his throat quickly and shifted back into his pillows. "I think you'd better leave now, Charm."

"Already?" She sat straighter, feeling honestly unable to leave, for the loneliness without him was oppression, and the time with him so breathlessly precious. "Please let me stay a while longer, Raven. I'll be good."

He drew a deep breath through his nostrils. "I'm afraid Jude failed miserably with you, Charm. You don't know how to be good. But God knows I'm a calf-eyed weakling where you're concerned."

"Thank you." She kissed his cheek. "You won't regret it."

"Yes I will."

"No." She set his lemonade glass on the nailed-down commode before shoving her hand into her pocket. Her pilfered butter knife was in the way, so she pulled it out to place it casually on the bed. It was joined a moment later by her stone.

"Now I know why I shudder every time you reach for your pocket," he said, and she laughed.

"Don't be silly. I'll probably never try to kill you again."

"I feel so much better now."

She chuckled then dug back into her pocket. "Here," she exclaimed, pulling forth a deck of cards. "I'm going to teach you to gamble."

"Ahh." Clancy stood in the doorway, which Raven insisted on keeping open. "Seems to me Joseph already knows how to gamble."

"Well..." Charm shrugged. “Then he can teach me what I don't know."

Clancy winced. "I think I'll leave."

"Good idea," said Charm.

"No!" said Raven. "Clancy..."

But Bodine was already gone.

Two hours later he returned to find Charm stretched out beside Raven on the narrow cot. Her slim arm was stretched lightly across his chest and her youthful face was peaceful as she slept.

"Thought you was gambling," Clancy commented wryly.

"She won," Raven said with a sigh.

The
Belle
arrived at the St. Louis harbor in the early evening of the sixth day of June.

"Well..." Fields stood very straight on the steamer's freshly whitewashed ramp. "It's been... interesting having you with us, Mrs. Scott."

Charm laughed aloud, looking very young and newly confident as she linked her arm through Raven's. "Perhaps we'll see you again, Captain."

He raised his brows as if loath to admit such a possibility, but in his eyes was the sparkle of youth that Charm could coax from any man. "The
Belle
and I will retire from the Missouri until high water next spring," he said. "I'll not risk her hull on its shallow bottom, but if you ever need a ride down the mighty Mississippi..." He paused, his eyes laughing. "Try gaining passage on the
Evening Star
instead."

Charm chuckled, unoffended by the captain's reluctance to see her again. "When we travel next," she said, "we'll want it to be with you. Perhaps..."—she glanced first at Fields, then at Raven—"for our thirtieth wedding anniversary?"

The captain bent down toward her. Retrieving her hand, he kissed it gallantly. "I only hope our Mr. Scott can survive your adoration that long."

Raven eyed the sprawling city of St. Louis. It was bustling with river-front life and seemed little changed from the last time he'd seen it. Although he would have preferred to hire a decent-looking horse for the carriage they rented, Charm insisted Angel's feelings would be hurt if he weren't allowed to pull them to River Bluffs.

Miraculously, the homely gelding was a decent, if not elegant, cart horse. He stood now, munching oats from a feed bag and waiting as his mistress finished her meal inside the restaurant. They'd left the
Belle
several hours before. In that time, Charm's smile had faded and her face paled.

Reality, it seemed, had finally set in, and now that they'd left the relative security of the steamer, Raven deduced that doubts were assailing her. He'd been right to try to keep her at arm's length, for less than five miles from town there was an estate, a stately, aging plantation, spared by the war and peopled with a bevy of loyal servants. It would be her home, her life, with no place for a backwater bastard who sported the ridiculous name of an irritating black bird.

Something twisted in his gut. He ignored the bitter ache, glancing at his mother's ring on her finger and feeling the comfortable bulk of her small Bible inside his vest pocket. How would he ever live without her? But no. This was hardly the time to worry about his own needs.