The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You, Found in You, Forever With You (79 page)

Or hoping he
did
follow. I couldn’t quite decide.

Of course my stuff was in the last dressing room in the hall, but I made it there without anyone behind me. My hands were shaking as I gathered my clothes from the floor where I’d left them. Looking around, I realized I had nothing to carry them in.
Shit.

I could change. Or get them later.

Later.

I should have at least folded them, but there wasn’t time for that. Instead, I set them on the dressing room chair, grabbed my purse from the corner of the room where I’d stowed it under my clothing, and turned to go.

But there he was, filling the doorframe.

My shoulders sagged, but my stupid heart did a little dance.

Dammit, feelings were confusing.

He looked even better up close. Was it possible he’d gotten more attractive in our time apart? His blue-gray t-shirt hugged his muscles, which seemed more pronounced than I’d remembered. His faded dark jeans hung low around his trim hips. His eyes were soft and sad with bags underneath them that matched his sister’s. Matched mine.

And the way he looked at me…as if I were more than a silly, emotional, broken girl. As if I were someone who mattered. As if I were someone he loved.

“Hey,” he said softly. His voice was like the pied piper, calling goose bumps to the surface of my skin with just one word. Did he even know he had that effect on me?

The way his hands were stuffed in his pockets, making him look so boyish and innocent, I had to think he had no idea.

Except, no matter how he looked, he wasn’t innocent. Not at all. It was even manipulative that he’d shown up here.

I folded my arms over my chest, as if that could protect me from his piercing gaze. “You’re not supposed to be here, Hudson. Mira promised you wouldn’t be.”

He pursed his lips. “Mira had nothing to do with me coming.”

I started to say something snarky, and then softened as I remembered where he was supposed to be. “Weren’t you taking Sophia to rehab?”

God, that was blunt.

I wanted to say something more comforting, something to let him know I was feeling for him, but I was afraid my compassion might be construed as something else. So I left it at that.

“Already done. I hurried back.” He took a step into the room. “So I could talk to you.”

His quiet tone was so un-Hudson-like, it put me off-balance.

Or his presence in general put me off-balance.

I sighed, rocking from one foot to the other. I should leave. But there were things I wanted to hear him say, whether I could trust them or not. “If you wanted to talk to me so badly, why did you leave yesterday?”

“I had to be at my parents’ for the intervention. If I stayed, I wouldn’t have been able to leave. It was hard enough to leave as it was.” He tilted his head. “And I thought perhaps it was best to let you have your space.”

If he kept saying all the right things, I was screwed.

What am I thinking? I’m screwed anyway.

I leaned against the wall behind me. “But you’re here now.” When he’d promised he wouldn’t be. “How is that letting me have space?”

Do I really want space?

It was hard to answer that question. On the one hand, the walls of the dressing room felt like they were closing in around me. On the other hand, the distance between Hudson and me seemed wider than the Mississippi.

“I couldn’t stay away anymore.” As far away as he was, his words found their destination, piercing through the ice around my heart. “Why were you at the loft?”

I couldn’t stay away anymore.
“Because I’m weaker than you give me credit for.”

He stared at the blank wall to the side of us as he scratched the back of his neck. “I was hoping it wasn’t weakness, but a sign that you still cared.” His eyes swung back to me, searching for my reaction.

I almost laughed. “Of course I still care, you asshole. I’m in love with you. You shattered my fucking heart.”

His eyes closed in a long blink. “Alayna, let me fix it.”

“You can’t.”

“Let me try.”

“How?” It was a rhetorical question because there was no answer for it. “Even if I can figure out how to forgive you, I can’t trust you again. I could never believe that you were with me for any reason other than to continue your sick game.”

He flinched only slightly. “I quit all that. You heard me.”

I shrugged. “Maybe it was all a set-up. Maybe you knew I was there the whole time.” He hadn’t known I was there—his expression of surprise when he saw me was genuine. But there were still pounds of bitterness inside me that I had yet to expunge.

“You don’t believe that.”

I made a disapproving sound in the back of my throat. “It’s hard to believe anything after being so totally lied to.”

“For the record,” he bent to catch my eyes with his, “I didn’t lie to you about us. Everything I ever said and did with you was honest.”

“The whole circumstance of our
pretend to be my girlfriend
sham was a lie.”

“Yes, but that’s all. Every touch, every kiss, every moment between you and me, precious…none of that was pretend. I didn’t
want
to pretend with you. I wanted every experience with you, every moment to be completely genuine. You’re the first person I have ever let in, the first person who’s ever seen the real me through all the bullshit.” His voice narrowed to a point. “You’re the first person I’ve ever loved, Alayna. And I know you’ll be the last.”

His words hurt. They were everything I’d ever wanted to hear from him and more. But what was the saying?
Fool me twice, shame on me.

“I don’t know.” I pressed my fingertips to my forehead. “I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know how I can ever believe that you really feel the way you say you do.”

He took another step toward me. “I’m sure that’s true. But I thought of a way to prove that I’m devoted to you.” Another step, and we were now only a handful of feet apart. “Alayna, marry me.”

My gaze flipped up. “What?”

“Marry me. Right now. My plane’s already ready and waiting on the tarmac. All you have to do is say yes and we’re on our way to Vegas.”

“What?” I was in too much shock to say anything else.

“I know you deserve a long engagement and a proper wedding—and we can do that again, whenever you want—but I know right now you need reassurance.”

His hands were all over the place as he talked, totally out of character. Was he high? Nervous? Insane?

“You need confirmation that I am committed to you, Alayna, and there’s no better way I can think of showing you that than to marry you. To declare in a written contract that I’m yours and that I promise to love you forever.”

I settled on insane. “Hudson, you’re crazy.”

“And no prenup either.” He wiped his palms on his jeans. Was he sweating? I sure was. “I’m ready to give you everything I have, to make myself vulnerable, just like you made yourself to me time after time.”

“No prenup? Now I definitely know you’re crazy.” And I was crazy for simply continuing the conversation.

“I am crazy. Crazy without you in my life.” He pushed his hands through his hair. “You’re the only one who’s ever made me better. And you have me by the balls now, Alayna, in so many ways. Because if you say no, if you turn me away, then I’ve lost everything that means anything in my pathetic excuse for a life. But if you say yes, I have to be the one to trust
you
—you could scam me if you wanted to. You could simply marry me now, divorce me later and half of all I have would be yours.”

As if his money meant anything to me. “I have no interest in your—”

He cut me off. “I know. I know that you would never take advantage of me like that. But the point is you could.” He paced the small room. “This is the only way I can think of to show you that I’m willing to be vulnerable to you. That I trust you.” He turned to face me again. “And that, even though I don’t deserve it, I’m determined to fight to earn back
your
trust. Even if it takes the rest of my life.”

I was in shock. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed over me that I had no idea what to feel or think. Out of the plethora of reactions brimming to escape, I picked one at random. “Some romantic proposal—marry me so that I can prove you can trust me.”

“No, Alayna,” his voice deepened. “Marry me because I love you. More than life itself.” He squared himself to me. “Marry me
today
, so I can prove I mean it.”

“Hudson, this is insane.” He didn’t even have a ring. “You destroyed everything we had together. You can’t just fix it by asking me to marry you out of the blue.”

“Why not?” He was desperate, both his tone and his body language gave him away. “Why not?” He shook his hands in front of him for emphasis. “We belong together. For all the wrongs we’ve done—
I’ve
done—you can’t deny that we make each other better.” He shifted his weight to one hip. “You admit you love me. And I love you. What’s keeping us apart? The fact that we hurt each other? Can you honestly say that you feel less hurt without me around? You came by the loft, Alayna. I know you’re still thinking about me.” He put his hands together, steepling his index fingers. “The only logical reason you can give for not being with me is that you don’t trust that I’m really in it for love. Marry me and you’ll have no doubt.”

His voice lowered as he asked one more time, his eyes begging. “Please, marry me.”

I’d thought about it. More than once. Thought about a forever with Hudson Pierce. And he’d hinted at it before. If I really believed him when he said that the majority of our relationship had been real, then his proposal wouldn’t seem completely out of the blue.

And I did believe that most of it had been real. Not just because I wanted to, but because it had been real to
me
. The way I loved him didn’t happen in a one-sided relationship. That was the false attraction I’d felt for men in the past, I knew the difference. No, this kind of love only grew from reciprocation. Whatever had been false between us, our love hadn’t been.

But despite what I’d thought about and what we’d felt, there was more between us that hadn’t had time to settle. More that hadn’t healed. Falling into anything with Hudson again, let alone marriage—
marriage!
—would be like lying out in the sun while still recovering from a bad burn.

Baby steps.

Marriage was not baby steps. And, honestly, I didn’t even know yet if the steps I wanted to take were in that direction. In his direction.

He was waiting for my answer.

I gave it. “No.”

“No?” His expression was more confused than disappointed.

Hudson rarely heard the word no. It was likely shocking to hear it when he most wanted a different answer.

“No,” I repeated. “No.” I straightened. “You think you can fix everything between us by asking me to elope with you? It’s hard for me to even look at you right now. Why would you think I would consider marrying you?”

He opened his mouth and I put my hand up in the air to shush him. “Don’t talk. I don’t want an answer. I need to say some things. Yes, I came to the loft because I missed you. Missed you desperately. But if I’d had any inkling you’d be there, I would have found a way to resist. I’m glad I was there because I found out some things that I needed to know. I’m grateful for what you did. But it doesn’t change you and me. It just makes it easier for me to maybe one day find some closure.”

“Don’t say closure, Alay—” He stopped himself, realizing I wasn’t finished. “Sorry. Go on.”

His willingness to submit to me almost did me in. That had to be hard for him to give me the floor. He got a point for that one.

But he was so behind on the score that a measly point made little difference.

I took a breath and went on. “Even if I could trust you, Hudson, I wouldn’t want to marry a guy just because he scammed me and now he feels bad. And not in Vegas. I’d want my brother and Mira and Adam and Jack. And even Sophia.”

His expression turned hopeful. “You want my family at your wedding? Does that mean I have a shot at being the groom?”

“Once, you did. But now…”
Oh, this was hard to say.
“Now I can’t see how.”

Though it hurt for me to say the words, it was Hudson who appeared crushed. He closed his eyes and his jaw twitched as his entire body sagged. It struck me that the tables had completely been turned. Wasn’t it usually he who had the emotional control while I was left floundering? He who was even and strong while I fell apart?

Strangely, it didn’t feel any better to be on this side. Because though it seemed like I was in control, inside I was a mess.

Was this what it felt like to be Hudson Pierce?

I couldn’t think about it anymore. None of it. It was time to get off the emotional roller coaster and move the fuck on.

There was no way to the doorway except through him. “I have to leave now, Hudson.”

He made no effort to move. “Alayna, let’s talk about this more. If not this plan, maybe we can talk about something else. Or no plan at all. Just talking to you is nice.”

“I can’t. I need to go.” I was done.

“Alayna…”

“Please,” my voice cracked, “let me go.”

Slowly, reluctantly, he stepped out of my pathway. But just as I was about to step through the door, he slipped in front of me. He put his hands on each side of the frame, not touching me, but blocking my way. “No, I’m not ever letting you go.” His words were raw with emotion. “I’ll let you leave here right now, but I’m not giving up on you. I’ll pursue you like I’ve never pursued anything in my life. I’ll fight until you have no choice but to believe that I love you with everything I am.”

He was so close. I could smell him, breathe him in the same way I had his pillow at the loft. But this was so much better because it was really him. Warmth rolled off him, calling me to his arms. If I simply leaned forward, I’d fall into him.

And the things he was saying—his vow to fight for me—it was hard to resist.

Then Liesl’s advice from that morning came back to me. It was too soon. I needed more time. “Hudson,” I kept my eyes down, unable to meet his gaze. “Let me go.”