The First Last Boy (16 page)

“He owns me.” My stomach lurched again. “Chanos owns me because she owns this.” I thumped my fist across my heart. My stomach decided it didn’t want the vodka. I scrambled up straight and yanked open the door, nearly falling out as I vomited.

Juvante gripped my arm and eased the car over to the shoulder. “You can’t go back in.”

There were no options left. Wiping my mouth, I shook my head but quickly stopped when that rattled my brain. “My life for hers, man. It’s the only way I can protect her.”

Juvante pulled back onto the road. He was my ride or die and I knew he’d give it to me straight whether I wanted to hear it or not. “That reputation you have, I know you’re not proud of that.”

“Yeah.”

“The bare knuckle shut downs, man, you broke a lot of bones. You ruled the streets, man. You even stole a fucking cop car. Could barely see over the damn wheel.” Juvante laughed.

I grinned at the memory of the cop chasing me down the road and then gaping when he’d realized how old I was.

“The first time I saw you I remember thinking skinny ass kid ain’t got nothing but then you kicked so much ass that people were afraid to even say your name. You could make guys shit themselves with just a look. Through all that, man, I always knew you weren’t fighting the world. You were trapped, trying to fight your way out of what you’d become.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “And you did. I’ve watched you lay that darkness down. Going back in doesn’t mean you stay in.”

“This time it does.”

“For Tana.”

I clenched my teeth together. “All the shit in my life, nothing hurts as much as the thought of her hurting. I drove her away because I had to and it took me to my knees.” I swallowed, not wanting to think about this, but knowing I had to make sure there was a backup plan. “If I go down, you do whatever you have to do to get Tana and her family away from Chanos.”

Juvante nodded. “I promise.”

***

My concentration was screwed. I’d busted my hand, hit my head on the hood of a car, and nearly blown a simple brake job on a Honda Civic. A zombie had more life than I did. A week had passed since the shooting and the guilt of what I’d done to Tana was eating me alive. She’d asked me again to stay away and I’d respected her space, hoping that she’d eventually relent and want me around again. I’d have to keep her at arm’s length but if I was with her, it meant she was safe and that’s all I wanted.

Tana didn’t know it was my fault what happened to her mom and if I told her, she’d never want to see me again. Once it was official and I was part of Chanos’ crew, I could never be near her, could never love her, couldn’t allow her to love me, but until then, I wanted to steal enough scraps to keep me from starving with hunger for her. I wanted to memorize her face. Commit her scent to memory. It would have to be enough. I would make it be enough.

My cell phone buzzed, the vibration scooting it across the work bench. I wiped my grease stained hands on a rag and looked at the screen. Tana.

“Hey,” I said when I answered.

It wasn’t her. “Ryan,” her brother’s voice whispered.

“Is something wrong?”

“I...um...I think so.”

My heart nearly stopped. “Alright, buddy. I’m on my way. Hang on. Keep talking.” I jogged past a car waiting for an oil change and knocked on the office before opening the door. “I’m leaving, Abraham. I need to take care of something.”

He nodded and waved me away. We’d talk about it later, but Abraham trusted when I said I had to go, it was important. I fumbled with my car keys and then the engine fired to life. “Alright, Creature, I’m on my way. What’s going on?”

“It’s Tana.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s calling for me. I have to go.”

“Creature, wait. When you hear me at the door, you make sure it’s me and then let me in, okay?”

“Okay.” The call disconnected.

I blew off speed limits racing to her house. By the time I pulled onto her street, my adrenaline was in high gear. Afraid that Chanos might try some shit, I’d asked friends to keep a watch over Tana’s house when I was at work. I wondered if something had gone down but as soon as I saw the old Pontiac across the street, I relaxed. I gave a nod toward Cooper sitting in the car as I passed him. Once I parked, I took the porch steps two at a time and knocked on the door. After a few seconds, it eased open a little and then Mark reached his hand around it and unlatched the screen. I pulled the door open and saw the trouble immediately.

Tana lounged on the sofa, legs tucked under her, staring at the television. A sitcom played and canned laughter erupted every few seconds. Her unbrushed hair tangled in a mess of curls around her face. She had pale skin and bags under her eyes. She looked like she’d worn her sweatpants and grimy T-shirt several days in a row.

“Tana.” At the sound of my voice, she pulled her gaze away from the television to me. Before, her eyes always danced with an inner light. Today, they were dull, uncaring.

I glanced at Mark. “When’s the last time she showered or ate something?”

“She didn’t eat anything yesterday or today.” He plugged his nose. “No shower.”

“Alright. I’m gonna take care of this, but she might not be happy about it and she might yell at me. So I want you to go to your room, put your earbuds in and play a video game or something okay?”

“Okay.”

“Hey, did you eat?”

“She made me.” Head down, Mark shuffled off to his room.

People get hurt. That’s a fact of life, but I hated that Mark learned the lesson so young and he’d learned it because of me.

I went into the bathroom and started the shower, then searched for a clean towel and washcloth. The laundry hamper was piled full. Not taking care of stuff wasn’t Tana. Letting the water warm, I checked out the kitchen. It wasn’t bad, mostly cluttered with takeout boxes.

Back in the living room, I shut off the television and Tana shifted her gaze to me. Her voice was a monotone. “I was watching that.”

I pulled her up off the couch and she snapped out of it to smack my chest. For a slender girl, she could hit. “Stop. You’re going to take a shower.”

Tana cursed me with words I didn’t know she knew and flopped back down onto the cushion. “What’s the point? I can’t do this. I’m trying to be at the hospital for Mom and be here for Mark. I have to go back to work soon or my boss has to hire someone else. There’s no one left to watch Mark and he can’t stay here alone. He’s hurting and I can’t help him. I can’t help mom. I can’t save either of them. I’ve been trying to do the best I can but it’s all so overwhelming and I just want to be someplace quiet where I don’t have to think or feel.”

I knew the nothingness coursing through her. If she didn’t get off the road she was on, eventually, drugs and alcohol would show up willing to dull the pain and the fear. I’d caved in to it the night I’d revisited the alley and that was the first step. Thankfully, I hadn’t taken the second step into that familiar darkness.

Tana would become as lost as I once was and as willing to do anything if only the high would last long enough to get through the day. But, Tana had me. I would prevent her downward spiral whatever it took. “You’re getting in the shower and then we’ll talk. Now let’s go or I’m going to carry you.”

She glared at me and crossed her arms, her eyes narrowed in a challenge.

I hated playing the tough guy with Tana when all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms, but I knew she needed to fight back, especially once I wasn’t around. I picked her up and tossed her across my shoulder. She beat the hell out of my back with her fists and called me more names. Holding my hand around her legs, I shoved aside the shower curtain and put her in the tub. I blocked the way when she tried to get out. “No, Tana.”

Turning from me, she beat her fist against the tile. “I’ve always fixed things for my family, Ryan, and I can’t fix this! Everything is all messed up. Including us.” She glared at me. “I could hate you. For how you treated me after we had sex.” Her face scrunched with remembered hurt. “Do you remember what you said to me? ‘Thanks for the fuck’ that’s what you said.”

The expression of loss on her face tied my gut up in knots. “I remember, but as long as you feel something, I don’t care if you hate me.” I pointed to the soap. “Take off your clothes and shower or I swear I’ll do it myself.”

“Go away,” she moaned. “I just want the night to come so I can go back to sleep. When I sleep, I don’t think and I don’t remember all the blood. I don’t worry. I don’t have to feel anything.”

I’d been there, too. “Get undressed. You have five seconds.”

She huffed at me, then pulled off her wet shirt and flung it onto the floor. Water seeped around the edges. Wrapping her arms around herself, she put her forehead against the tile. “It’s not fair. Mom’s a good person.” Anguish mixed with tears leaked from her eyes to track down her face.

I unfastened her bra, slid the straps down her arms and tossed it onto the floor.

Smacking her chest with her fist, she said, “I’m being ripped apart every time I see her lying so still in the hospital bed. She won’t wake up. She has to wake up.”

“I understand.”

Her eyes blazed. “You understand? How can you understand my pain? Nothing gets to you, Ryan.”

I didn’t really want to take a trip back to my screwed up childhood, but if it would help Tana, I’d give her all I had. Even the stuff no one else knew. “I know what it’s like to be ripped apart. My father killed my mother.” I swallowed at the image of all the blood and of the little boy I’d been who’d sat holding his mother’s hand pleading for help. My throat worked but I forced the words out past the lump. “I was a little kid and when I tried to stop him, he beat the shit out of me, and I nearly died. I was in the hospital almost a month. Seeing someone you love get hurt and not being able to help is the most fucked up thing in the world.”

Tana looked horrified. “You never told me that,” she whispered.

“It’s not my favorite bedtime story.” Patting her leg, I said, “Lift.” When she did, I took off one side of her pants, then the other. Her underwear followed. I hated being tough on Tana but if I pissed her off, she’d come up fighting and she needed to fight. I knew she’d need that fire again and again. “You don’t have a choice about going on. Life’s a bitch, but you have to get your shit together for Mark’s sake.”

“You should put that on a greeting card. You know? Life’s a bitch, get your shit together.”

I grinned. “Romantic, isn’t it?”

She wiped at her eyes. “We made a mistake sleeping together, didn’t we?”

No. It was the best night of my life. Holding you was like holding the sun and for the first time since I was a kid, I was warm.
Being with you was feeling safe, finding a place to belong, and I wish I didn’t have to give that up.
I said none of what I was thinking. Instead, I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Do you regret it?”

“I do,” I lied without blinking. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her more, but if I didn’t push her away from me, Chanos would figure out what she meant to me and he’d use her as leverage to get me to do whatever the hell he wanted. And I would do it. I’d do anything for Tana. Things that were twisted and dark, things that no guy should ever have to do. I would auction off my soul for her. Before I rejoined Chanos, I would make Tana see me as the worst asshole in the world. I would lie and convince her to believe that she was just a fuck and nothing more. She would grieve the loss of our friendship probably as deeply as I would, but by pushing her away, I would push her away from Chanos.

Tana turned her face under the spray of water, then smoothed her hair out of her eyes. “It was really stupid of me to ask you to sleep with me. If Mom gets better and I am able to leave for college as planned, I guess we’ll lose touch and what happened between us won’t matter anyway.”

The need for reassurance was there in her voice but I couldn’t give it to her. Let her think I was self-centered. Let her cringe when she looked back on her time with me. Let her get angry, let her dislike, and then hate me. Let her move on with her life, but let her be safe. I could live with the pain of losing her as long as I knew she was happy and moving on. “Yeah, it won’t matter,” I finally said.

Her lip trembled but she firmed it and said, “I can’t understand why someone would want to shoot my mom.”

My chance to tell her to the truth. To point the finger at myself and see the disgust in her eyes. “I can’t understand, either.”

“I’m going to find out who did it.”

Chapter Fourteen

TANA

As soon as I said the words out loud, I knew that’s exactly what I needed to do. I’d figure out who did it and then maybe, I could stop feeling so helpless if I could make sure that whoever did it was caught. Ryan didn’t like what I’d said but I didn’t care. Someone had grabbed a thread from the tapestry of my life and unwound it. I needed to know who and why.

He crossed his arms. “What are you going to do if you find the person?”

“I don’t know. Maybe figure out a way to make that person pay for what happened.”

Ryan swore. “You want revenge? Want to shoot someone?” His eyebrows rose and the expression on his handsome face turned intense as his eyes blazed into me. “Have you ever held a gun before? Fired one?”

“No.” I held my head under the water spray again and let it flow over me¸ wishing I could wash away the pain rat chewing on my heart. Gripping the shampoo bottle, I looked at Ryan as the thought dawned on me. “Have you?”

He didn’t blink, didn’t flinch, and his voice was perfectly flat. “Yes.”

Apparently there was a lot about my best friend that I didn’t know. “Yes to both questions?”

He didn’t answer.

“You must have been just a kid.” I lathered the shampoo in, not caring I was naked in front of him. Not like he hadn’t seen all of me before anyway. After I rinsed out the shampoo, I wiped my eyes on the towel he held up. “What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about me.”

“I’ve noticed that you don’t talk a lot about yourself, especially your past.”