The First Day of the Rest of My Life (28 page)

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Authors: Cathy Lamb

BOOK: The First Day of the Rest of My Life

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Today was leaving, tomorrow would come.

I wondered if I had the courage, the guts, to make my tomorrow different from today, or if I would simply plow through it as I have forever done.

Should I plow through?

When would I be done plowing? Would it ever end?

When do I start living without the plow?

O
n a Monday, after a snowy weekend, Annie passed out at school. The teacher flipped, and then moved quickly into hysteria, because when she shook Annie, Annie didn’t move. Other teachers raced in, followed by the principal and the paramedics.

I was out at recess. That day, instead of clinging to the wall in shame, I was playing wall ball under the covered area. My friend, Joyce Brown, sprinted over to me, her pigtails flying, and said, “Madeline, run! It’s Annie! She’s going away in the ambulance !”

My feet flew as I ran with Joyce and two other friends. When I reached her, I saw Annie on a stretcher with an oxygen mask and started screaming. I grabbed the stretcher and wouldn’t let go.

“Madeline,” the principal, Mrs. Jett, insisted, her hair falling out of her bun, “stay here with me, honey, stay here.”

“No,” I screamed. “No!” I jumped on the stretcher and held her tight, pushing hands away, until they gave up and put both of us into the ambulance. “Annie! Annie!”

The siren wailed into the morning, down the street in town, even reaching Marie Elise’s French Beauty Parlor where Momma received a call that one of her beloved girls had passed out and the other beloved girl was emotionally disintegrating.

Momma dropped the dye she was using to color Mrs. Ellerton’s hair and, with her black apron on, she and Carman flew out of the beauty parlor and into the disastrous, harsh truth of Momma’s life and the demon-plagued lives of her children.

About an hour after arriving at the hospital, I pretended I was asleep in the bed next to Annie’s so I could hear everything the doctors were telling my momma, Carman, Trudy Jo, and Shell Dee. Sheriff Ellery was there, along with two of his deputies and nurses. Annie was still woozy, not all together.

Momma sunk into a chair after hugging and kissing Annie and me, too dizzy with shock to stand anymore.

I could tell by the doctor’s tone, a man who had been fishing with my dad many times, that he was gravely troubled, but he was taking things slow, one thing at a time. “Annie and Madeline are way too thin,” Dr. Hayes said. “Have you seen them without clothes on recently?”

“No, no, I haven’t—” Our momma wrung her hands. “I thought they were . . . I thought they weren’t eating as much because of my illness, because they were upset. They cry, they hug me all the time. But I’ve tried to get them to eat, I’ve tried, dear Lord, I have tried.”

She had tried. She made us breakfast every morning. Pancakes cut into the shapes of dogs and cats. Oatmeal with brown sugar. Scrambled eggs she arranged into a smile. We couldn’t eat. Hard to eat when the man who stuck a pencil in your bottom, chalk in your mouth, and a ruler in your hand for a naked “Back To School” porno shoot was sitting across the table smirking at you.

“Do they eat lunch?”

Yes, some. Whatever we could choke down, plus a lollipop for the walk home. “For energy,” Momma had told us, squeezing our cheeks.

“They’re at school. I can’t watch them eat there, but I do pack them a good lunch.”

Her lunches were delicious. The envy of all. Whenever I opened my lunch sack, I tasted my momma’s love.

“I don’t understand . . . I don’t understand . . .” Our momma’s makeup was smeared down her face, her hair a mess. Carman tried to smooth it. Shell Dee handed her another tissue.

“Marie Elise,” Dr. Hayes said, “after giving Annie an IV for fluids, we did a full exam.”

I did not miss the harsh tone of the doctor’s voice.

“Yes, what’s wrong? What is it?”

From my bed, I saw my momma’s face crumple.

“First I need to ask, where did the bruises and burns come from?”

My momma, Carman, Shell Dee, and Trudy Jo gasped.

Carman said, “Dear Lord in heaven.”

Shell Dee said, “My God.”

Trudy Jo said, “Jesus help us!”

“What?”
Momma whispered. She had already been pale, but now she was the same color as the white wall. “What bruises? What burns? Where?”

I knew what bruises and burns. Overwhelming guilt and shame torpedoed me. I was dirty. I was bad. I was a slutty girl. Now Momma would know.

And Annie, my little sister. I was supposed to protect her, but I couldn’t do it. I had tried! I had pleaded with Sherwinn, Pauly, and Gavin. I had fought for her. The last time I fought for her, Sherwinn shoved me in a big dog cage in the back room and locked it shut.

Carman and Shell Dee helped my momma up from her chair, as she could no longer walk. Even from my bed, through half-shut eyes, I could see my momma’s body rocking back and forth, her balance gone the second she saw her beloved daughters in hospital beds. The sheriff and his deputies, the nurses and other doctors crowded around Annie, who was still asleep.

The doctor gently pulled the sheet back. My momma peered down at Annie’s beaten, bruised, burned, emaciated, naked body. My body looked the same. Carman, Shell Dee, and Trudy Jo released raw, primal moans. Sheriff Ellery semishouted, “Holy mother of God.” One deputy moaned and said, “Aw shit, Big Luke would kill if he saw this.” A nurse gasped and covered her mouth.

My momma took one look and passed straight out.

When my momma crumpled backwards, I sat up and screamed, believing she was dead. The attention was then on both of us, doctors and nurses rushing to help before my momma was wheeled out on a stretcher.

“Madeline,” Dr. Hayes said. “I think we need to examine you, too, don’t we?”

I shook my head. I said no, I didn’t want to. They lifted the back of my shirt, anyhow, then the front.

I saw the grim looks on Dr. Hayes’s face and on the faces of the nurses.

Did they think I was bad? They did, didn’t they! It was my fault! I wrapped my arms around my knees.

One of the nurses held my hand. “I’m sorry, child. I’m sorry this happened to you.”

The other nurse hugged me. “How about a Popsicle, honey?”

Carman, Trudy Jo, and Shell Dee crowded around, hugging me, snuffling. Sheriff Ellery and the other officers stood against the wall, along with the doctors and nurses.

Carman said, “Who did this? I will kill him.”

Trudy Jo said, “This is killing me to see this, killing me.”

I was so ashamed.

“Who did this?” Shell Dee said, kissing me on the forehead. “You can tell us.”

I felt so guilty.

“You need to tell us. This bad person needs to be punished.”

If I told, everyone would see the photographs! They would think I wanted to do them! They would think that I should have told to protect Annie! They would think I was a slutty, bad girl with curly hair—that’s what Sherwinn called me. “A slutty, bad girl with curly hair.” Momma would be so upset with me.

Click, click, click.

“This isn’t your fault, you know that, right, hon?” Shell Dee said. “This is a bad person’s fault. Whisper me his name.”

I was tempted. I glanced over at Annie’s bed. She was so tiny, so fragile, I thought she was dead when she was on the stretcher.

“No.” My voice cracked, the hot tears finally coming. “No, I can’t.”

“But why?” Carman said. “We love you. We want to know who hurt you.”

“If I tell,” I whispered, a vision in my head of
that knife
, “he’ll kill Momma.”

A tense, electric silence shot through the room.

“No, honey,” Sheriff Ellery said, standing beside my bed. “He won’t. We’re all here. We’ll keep her safe.”

“He’ll kill her like he killed our hamsters! He killed Teresa and Mickey. He’ll kill Annie, too, and me. That’s what he said. That’s why I didn’t tell before!” I heard my voice pitch, high, all raggedy. “That’s why!”

“But now is the time to tell,” Sheriff Ellery said. I heard a cold anger in his voice, but I didn’t think he was angry at me, because he held my hand. “Help us here, so we can help you.”

“I can’t tell!” I put my arms over my head.

Shell Dee held me close. “The only way to keep you and Annie safe, my love, is if you tell us who did this.”

“No!” I said, broken and backed into a black, depressed corner.

“Yes,” Sheriff Ellery said, his voice becoming very stern. “Madeline. We need the name. We need it now.”

Sheriff Ellery had always been so chatty with me, smiling ear to ear, but that day he stood tall, in uniform, gun strapped to his side, and he looked imposing, intimidating. Later he told me he was sorry if he had scared me in the hospital. “The only way to help you, Madeline, was to go after the men who did this to you. They needed to be locked up, like animals, before they knew you were in the hospital and tried to make a run for it. I hope you’ll forgive me for scaring you.”

Sheriff Ellery fixed me with his stare. “Right now, young lady. I’m not leaving until I have that name.”

I glanced over at Annie, a tiny lump in the bed, her head to one side. I knew what was under that sheet. I knew what was under my sheet. I didn’t want this to happen to us ever again. “Will you keep them away from Momma and Annie?”

“You bet I will,” Sheriff Ellery said. He was very mad.

“Me too, Madeline,” one of the officers said.

“We’ll make sure of it,” the other officer said.

One more time I peeked at the tiny lump of Annie. If I didn’t tell, she might die, anyhow. That’s what I got down to: If I didn’t tell, Annie might die from the abuse.

I told. I uttered those three names, then from somewhere in the hospital, someone started shrieking. Shriek, shriek, shriek. I didn’t know it was me for a long time.

Sheriff Ellery wasted no time. He assembled a team from neighboring towns, and the team surrounded Pauly’s house. He’d thought to bring a fire trunk, which was very smart. As soon as Sherwinn, Gavin, and Pauly realized they were surrounded, they tried to set the armadillo-slouching shack on fire.

It only partially worked.

Many of the photos were turned to ash, but not all of them. All of the ones that were left were collected by the police.

Sherwinn, Pauly, and Gavin were drunk, and stoned, so therefore easy to apprehend, which was unfortunate, as I heard Sheriff Ellery tell Granddad later, who flew in immediately with Grandma, “If they’d put up a fight, sir, we would have been able to shoot them on the spot. I would have enjoyed that. Yes, I would have enjoyed doing my part to eliminate scum from the earth.”

All three men were read their rights, arrested, and later charged with multiple offenses.

The police collected all of the photos of Annie and me, the whips, the cages, the outfits, the wigs, the school supplies. I was told that the police had to take turns going outside to breathe, they were so furious. Their wives/girlfriends/sisters all went to Marie Elise’s Beauty Parlor and news got out quick.

I was a bad girl.

“Can you tell us what happened, honey?” Sheriff Ellery asked me the next day. His face was red and tight, bags from lack of sleep under his eyes. Big guy, big heart.

“No,” I said, snuggling into my momma on the hospital bed. In many ways, she didn’t look like my momma. No makeup, her skin grayish, thick black hair down and messy, clothes rumpled, mouth tight. “I can’t.”

The doctors were in our hospital room, but there were a couple of police officers, too, and men in suits, who I later found out were attorneys. I had been fed, hydrated through tubes, and for the first time since Sherwinn bulldozed our lives and began his attacks, with my momma’s and my grandma’s arms wrapped around me, the imprint of their kisses on my forehead, I slept peacefully.

“Sherwinn, Pauly, and Gavin are all in jail, so you can tell us,” Sheriff Ellery said. “They won’t hurt you again.”

Even their names scared me, and I pulled the sheet over my head. “No, I can’t tell you.”

“Sugar, Sherwinn’s going to prison for a long time,” Sheriff Ellery said. “So are Pauly and Gavin.”

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