The Fireman's Secret (18 page)

Shelby bolted up and let her drenched shirt fall onto the wet sand with a thud.

* * *

Don’t cry. Don’t break down. Not here. Not in front of him.

A tremor worked its way up Shelby’s spine and she fought against her shaking hands. “You weren’t supposed to turn around.”

“Shelby.” His voice was calm and gentle, probably a result of his fireman training. “Please look at me.”

She obeyed, slowly. “I know you must think—”

He grabbed her hand and tugged her to jog beside him. “My truck’s not far. Let’s get there before the sky really breaks open.”

The rain beat hard against her back. She shivered as he yanked open the passenger door and helped her climb inside.

“Put these on.” He tossed her sweatpants and his sweatshirt into her lap before closing the door. Of course—he’d want her to cover her scars as soon as she could so he wouldn’t have to look at them anymore.

As much as she would have liked to be dramatic and toss his sweatshirt in his face, she was shivering. She needed its warmth.

He climbed into the driver’s seat and shoved the keys into the engine. “It’ll take a second for the heat to kick in. Sorry.”

Might as well get the talk over with. “I understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore now that you know.”

He leaned against the driver’s door so he faced her. “Were you ever planning on telling me?”

Studying her puckered fingertips became the most important thing in the world. “I almost did after the wedding. I wanted to. I planned to.”

“Why didn’t you?” His voice was soft again, casual instead of accusatory as she’d imagined it would be.

She threw up her hands. “Because of
this
. Because now you’ll treat me differently. You might not say it, but you find me repulsive. It’s really hard getting rejected again and again.”

“Has someone—has a guy—done that to you? Rejected you after he found out?” He was fighting hard to control the edge in his voice now—she could tell. Was he mad at her? Or mad at the idea of someone rejecting her?

“I never actually told any of them. But they would have.”

Joel scooted closer and laid a hand on her arm. “Forgive my boldness, but it sounds like Shelby’s the only one rejecting Shelby. Does that make sense? There’s enough hurt in this world without doing that to yourself.”

Something in his words rang true. She’d always hidden the scars. She’d been ashamed of how she looked. But had she even offered other people the chance to reject her? Or had she rejected herself and figured everyone else would do the same?

She leaned her head against the headrest and closed her eyes tightly. “You saw me.”

He pushed up her sleeve. She started to yank her arm away, but he held fast. As he traced his thumb over the scar wrapping around her wrist, she knew he waited for her to open her eyes and look at him. When she did, he offered a tentative smile.

“One. I fight fires for a living. Seeing burns is part of the job and these scars aren’t bad or ugly or whatever it is you’re afraid of. Two. All these mean is that you have a story to tell. Besides that, to me, you’re the same Shelby who kept me awake thinking about her all last night.” He pushed up the sleeve on her other arm to reveal a second scar. “I care about you. These don’t change who you are or my attraction to you.”

She stared at his hands on her marks. He cupped her arms and ran his thumbs back and forth over the scars. How could he do that without gagging? “You’re not grossed out?”

“Not at all.”

“I’m having a hard time believing you.”

His fingers stopped moving when he grazed where her stitches were. “Your scars—is that why you wouldn’t let me treat your dog bite the other day?”

She swallowed hard and nodded. “There were so many people there, and I didn’t want you to find out like that.”

“Well, I know now. So what do we do?”

“I guess that’s up to you.” She studied the way his fingers looked as they rested against her scars. “But if this changes things between us, I understand.”

Joel locked gazes with her as he brought one of her arms to his lips and kissed the scar. He repeated it on the second arm. Then he brought his hands to cradle her head and he kissed her soundly on the mouth. She felt like she was drowning. As if she wouldn’t be able to take another breath and it didn’t matter or worry her.

Could he really care about her enough to look beyond her scars? Even better, could he love her—scars and all?

Chapter Fifteen

J
oel turned the heat to full blast and then put the truck in Drive. “You’ve got to be cold. Let’s get you home.”

She buckled her seat belt and laughed. “After a kiss like that, I’m surprisingly warm.”

The window wipers were flying at full speed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “You deserve to be cherished. Just as you are. Remember that. Okay?”

“I’ll keep trying to believe that.”

“Well, just so you know, I’m not going to stop telling you.” He laid his right arm over the back of her seat.

“It might take a few more of those kisses.”

He glanced at her and his face broke into an uncharacteristic grin. “I have plenty of those left to spare.”

Unbuckling her seat belt, she scooted over into the middle seat and buckled up there. Her side was against his. She laid her head on his biceps. “Thanks for being so wonderful.”

At the stop sign, he dropped a light kiss on top of her hair. “You’re welcome...I think that’s the right answer. Or was that a trick?”

“No tricks. No more hiding. Only the truth from now on.” She pulled his right arm so it curled around her and she could hold his hand. “I like being next to you.”

“Me, too.”

Now that he knew about Shelby’s scars, they could move forward. He’d thought they were done—that
he
was done with all relationships—after the dog bite incident. But that situation made sense now. She hadn’t been rejecting him or saying she didn’t trust him. Well, maybe the trust part was partially true—but not in a bad way. More than anyone, he understood the paralyzing fear of being rejected and knew how much it could set the course of a person’s life.

She sighed. “You’ve asked me a couple of times why the church rebuild is so important to me. It has to do with my burns. See, I was inside the church when it caught fire.”

Joel’s heart stuttered. When the church caught fire? But then that meant... The contents of his stomach were going to make a grand reappearance. He sucked air in through his mouth.

It couldn’t be from the church in Goose Harbor. No one had been inside when he torched it. He’d looked in the windows and everything.

Unaware of his personal torment, Shelby continued with her story. “I went there to pray after finding out my dad was never going to come back. I knelt down with my head resting on the pew and asked God to give me the family I wanted. A strong husband who loved his wife no matter what, and children who were wanted and played with and cared for.”

If she’d been kneeling in the pew, he
might not
have seen her. Correction, from his vantage point peering in the windows, he wouldn’t have been able to see her in that position. No way. His careless fit of sixteen-year-old rage had hurt Shelby—not just God, as he’d intended. He had hurt her physically, mentally and emotionally. All from one selfish action.

Sweat broke out on his forehead and the palms of his hands. He unwound his arm from her and gripped the steering wheel with both hands. “The roads are slick.”

What had he done?

Shelby nodded. “I didn’t realize the church was burning and I got trapped in there. As I was trying to get out, a ceiling beam fell and pinned me. I passed out at some point and woke up in the arms of a fireman carrying me out. That might explain why I have a thing for firefighters, huh?” She squeezed his arm.

It must have been his imagination, but where she touched him felt seared with fire.
Tell her. Tell her the truth. Now. Do it.

He could hardly see the road through the rain, so he leaned forward to squint through the windshield. The movement also served to untangle Shelby from his arm. As much as he cared for her, at the moment, he couldn’t stomach her expressing her feelings for him or showing her love through physical contact. He’d ruined her life. Completely. She’d hate him when she found out. How could she not?

No more hiding. Only the truth from now on.

Her words, spoken only minutes ago, rushed back to taunt him.

But he couldn’t tell her the truth. Not about the fire. What good would it serve for her to find out he had been the source of all her problems? None. He’d be rejected again, and she’d feel like he’d played some huge joke on her.

Besides, it wasn’t about not telling the truth. There was a difference between lying and not offering information. Right? Sure, he’d been upset back at the beach to learn Shelby had kept something huge from him. But his situation was different. Much different.

He rammed his gear stick into Park in the closest spot outside her apartment. Shelby undid her seat belt and faced him. “I realized recently that I wrapped a lot of my healing up in the church being rebuilt. It was silly, but I felt like I couldn’t move on until the church was standing again. I’m glad for all that now—don’t you see? All that time, I thought I was missing out on life and on dating, but in reality, God was keeping me safe until I could be with you.”

He studied the leather on the steering wheel. “Shelby...don’t put everything on me, I—”

She framed his face with her hands and rested her forehead against his. “You have changed my life. Don’t ever doubt that. I care about you so much, and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us.” Offering one quick, sweet kiss, Shelby jumped out of the truck and darted for her apartment.

For the first time since he’d returned to Goose Harbor, Joel didn’t wait until she was safely inside. The second the passenger door closed, he shoved the gear into Reverse and raced for the interstate. He needed to drive. For hours.

Like angry fists, the rain pounded against his truck. Every couple of minutes, lightning shattered across the sky, making it easier to see the lines on the road beneath the puddles pooling on the concrete.

His truck began to shake as he forced it past seventy miles an hour. Thoughts whizzed in his mind with the speed of a championship table tennis match. Each one contradicted the next. He had to tell her. He could never tell her. He had to tell her. Maybe he should leave Goose Harbor.
Stop running from problems.

Swerving off at an exit, he followed the signs that guided him to a nature preserve. No other cars were in the lot, probably because of the storm. He cut the engine and threw himself back against the headrest with a deep breath.

You have changed my life.

“You’re right there. But not in the way you imagined.” Joel steepled his fingers and rested the tips against his nose as he closed his eyes. “God, what am I supposed to do? You led me back to Goose Harbor for this? It seems cruel. I know I made mistakes.” Don’t minimize issues. “I know I sinned against You. But I thought You said once forgiveness is given, You make the transgression go away. It sure doesn’t feel like that. This one keeps coming back again and again. I’ll never be anything but the man who set fire to that church. Will I?”

* * *

Shelby reached across the small table at Fair Tradewinds Coffee to squeeze Paige’s tanned hand. “Tell me all about the honeymoon.”

Paige couldn’t seem to smile wide enough. “I’m afraid there isn’t much to tell. We didn’t do much sightseeing and spent most of our time lying on the sand like two beached whales outside our resort.”

“I’m sure you guys found enough to keep you busy.” Shelby rolled her eyes.

“Hey.” Paige pretended to swat her. “That’s your brother’s private life you’re nosing into.”

Shelby held up her hands. “Believe me when I say I don’t want to know anything as long as you say you’re happy. That’s all that matters.”

“Incandescently so. Your brother is amazing and I already love being his wife.” Paige sipped her iced mocha. “Enough about me. I need to be caught up to speed on your love life.”

If Paige had asked her a week ago, Shelby would have squealed with excitement and told her she might be in love with Joel Palermo. Their last time together had been nothing short of a daydream experience. A million times over, she’d replayed in her mind the way he had told her she was worth cherishing, and relived each kiss and tender look. But those memories were always followed by the same question—why hadn’t she heard from him since then?

Old fears and the lies she’d believed for so long crowded her thoughts. He’d only pretended not to care about the scars, but really he thought she was disgusting and never wanted to see her again. Joel had done the kind thing, letting her feel loved for a short time, instead of screaming and running away. Knowing how rejection hurt, he’d wanted to spare her feelings so he had simply played along.

Scenarios marched through her thoughts one after another, and for each one, the ending remained the same—Joel didn’t want her.

Shelby confessed to Paige the romantic moments she and Joel had shared and the sweet words he had said.

Paige set down her mug. “Wow. So he knows about your scars? You showed him.”

“Not by choice. He saw me when I was swimming.”

“It sounds like he’s a keeper.”

“Except he hasn’t returned any of my calls, and he hasn’t showed up at the building site all week. At first, I thought he must be on shift, but even then he usually stops by. My contractor told me Joel’s been stopping by his office every evening to get caught up on the progress, which tells me he’s purposely avoiding me.” That, and the contractor grumbled about Joel and a police officer nosing around the site. At least he still cared about the church project.

Paige shook her head. “That’s not necessarily the case. Remember, he’s been through a lot in his life, and it’s possible he’s afraid to let you down or worried he’s not good enough for you, or any number of things. What he needs now, more than ever, is your understanding and compassionate heart. Be patient with him and try not to jump to conclusions until you talk to him.”