The Finkler Question (3 page)

'Bitchy 'Ead?' Treslove wondered.

'Yes. We even drove there for a day out. Daring each other. Lovely spot. Great spiralling downs with seagulls circling and dead bunches of flowers tied to barbed-wire fences - one with its price ticket still on, I remember - and there was a plaque with a quotation from Psalms about God being mightier than the thunder of many waters and lots of little wooden crosses planted in the grass. It was probably the crosses that decided us against.'

Treslove didn't understand what Libor was talking about. Barbed-wire fences? Had he and Malkie driven on a suicide pact to Treblinka?

Seagulls, though . . . And crosses . . . Search him.

Malkie and Libor did nothing about it anyway. Malkie was the one who got seriously sick and they did not a damned thing about it.

Three months after her death, Libor ventured bravely into the eye of his despair and hired a tutor, who smelt of old letters, cigarettes and Guinness, to teach him to play the impromptus which Malkie had interpreted as though Schubert were in the room with them (inventing as he went), and these he played over and over again with four of his favourite photographs of Malkie on the piano in front of him. His inspiration, his instructress, his companion, his judge. In one of them she looked unbearably young, leaning laughing over the pier at Brighton, the sun in her face. In another she wore her wedding dress. In all of them she had eyes only for Libor.

Julian Treslove wept openly the moment the music began. Had he been married to Malkie he didn't doubt he would have wept over her beauty every morning he woke to find her in his bed. And then, when he woke to find her in his bed no more, he couldn't imagine what he'd have done . . . Thrown himself off Bitchy 'Ead - why not?

How do you go on living knowing that you will never again - not ever, ever - see the person you have loved? How do you survive a single hour, a single minute, a single second of that knowledge? How do you hold yourself together?

He wanted to ask Libor that. 'How did you get through the first night of being alone, Libor? Did you sleep? Have you slept since? Or is sleep all that's left to you?'

But he couldn't. Perhaps he didn't want to hear the answer.

Though once Libor did say, 'Just when you think you've overcome the grief, you realise you are left with the loneliness.'

Treslove tried to imagine a loneliness greater than his own. 'Just when you get over the loneliness,' he thought, 'you realise you are left with the grief.'

But then he and Libor were different men.

He was shocked when Libor let him into a secret. At the end they had used bad language to each other. Really bad language.

'You and Malkie?'

'Me and Malkie. We talked vulgar. It was our defence against pathos.'

Treslove couldn't bear the thought. Why did anyone want a defence against pathos?

Libor and Malkie were of the same generation as his parents, both long deceased. He had loved his parents without being close to them. They would have said the same about him. The watch of which he would be divested later that evening was a gift from his ever-anxious mother. 'Jewels for my Jules,' it was inscribed. But she never called him Jules in life. The sense of being properly put together which he had lost, likewise, was an inheritance from his father, a man who stood so straight he created a sort of architectural silence around himself. You could hang a plumb line from him, Treslove remembered. But he didn't believe his parents were the reason for the tears he shed in Libor's company. What moved him was this proof of the destructibility of things; everything exacted its price in the end, and perhaps happiness exacted it even more cruelly than its opposite.

Was it better then - measuring the loss - not to know happiness at all? Better to go through life waiting for what never came, because that way you had less to mourn?

Could that be why Treslove so often found himself alone? Was he protecting himself against the companioned happiness he longed for because he dreaded how he would feel when it was taken from him?

Or was the loss he dreaded precisely the happiness he craved?

Thinking about the causes of his tears only made him cry the more.

The third member of the group, Sam Finkler, did not, throughout Libor's playing, shed a single tear. The shockingly premature death of his own wife - by horrible coincidence in the very same month that Libor was made a widower - had left him almost more angry than sorrowful. Tyler had never told Sam he was her 'entire fulfilment'. He had loved her deeply all the same, with an expectant and even watchful devotion - which did not preclude other devotions on the side - as though he hoped she would vouchsafe her true feelings for him one day. But she never did. Sam sat by her bedside throughout her last night. Once she beckoned to him to come closer. He did as she bade him, putting his ear to her poor dry mouth; but if she meant to say something tender to him she did not succeed. A gasp of pain was all he heard. A sound that could just as easily have come from his own throat.

Theirs, too, had been a loving if sometimes fractious marriage, and a more fruitful one, if you count children, than Libor and Malkie's, but Tyler had always struck Sam as withheld or secretive somehow. Perhaps faithless, he didn't know. He might not have minded had he known. He didn't know that either. He was never given the opportunity to find out. And now her secrets were, as they say, buried with her. There were tears in Sam Finkler, but he was as watchful of them as he had been of his wife. Were he to weep he wanted to be certain he wept out of love, not anger. So it was preferable - at least until he grew better acquainted with his grief - not to weep at all.

And anyway, Treslove had tears enough for all of them.

Julian Treslove and Sam Finkler had been at school together. More rivals than friends, but rivalry too can last a lifetime. Finkler was the cleverer. Samuel, he insisted on being called then. 'My name's Samuel, not Sam. Sam's a private investigator's name. Samuel was a prophet.'

Samuel Ezra Finkler
- how could he be anything but cleverer with a name like that?

It was to Finkler that Treslove had gone running in high excitement after he'd had his future told on holiday in Barcelona. Treslove and Finkler were sharing a room. 'Do you know anyone called Juno?' Treslove asked.

'J'you know Juno?' Finkler replied, making inexplicable J noises between his teeth.

Treslove didn't get it.

'J'you know Juno? Is that what you're asking me?'

Treslove still didn't get it. So Finkler wrote it down.
D'Jew know Jewno?

Treslove shrugged. 'Is that supposed to be funny?'

'It is to me,' Finkler said. 'But please yourself.'

'Is it funny for a Jew to write the word Jew? Is that what's funny?'

'Forget it,' Finkler said. 'You wouldn't understand.'

'Why wouldn't I understand? If I wrote
Non-Jew don't know what Jew know
I'd be able to tell you what's funny about it.'

'There's nothing funny about it.'

'Exactly. Non-Jews don't find it hilarious to see the word Non-Jew. We aren't amazed by the written fact of our identity.'

'And d'Jew know why that is?' Finkler asked.

'Go fuck yourself,' Treslove told him.

'And that's Non-Jew humour, is it?'

Before he met Finkler, Treslove had never met a Jew. Not knowingly at least. He supposed a Jew would be like the word Jew - small and dark and beetling. A secret person. But Finkler was almost orange in colour and spilled out of his clothes. He had extravagant features, a prominent jaw, long arms and big feet for which he had trouble finding wide enough shoes, even at fifteen. (Treslove noticed feet; his were dainty like a dancer's.) What is more - and everything was more on Finkler - he had a towering manner that made him look taller than he actually was, and delivered verdicts on people and events with such assurance that he almost spat them out of his mouth. 'Say it, don't spray it,' other boys sometimes said to him, though they took their lives in their hands when they did. If this was what all Jews looked like, Treslove thought, then Finkler, which sounded like Sprinkler, was a better name for them than Jew. So that was what he called them privately -
Finklers
.

He would have liked to tell his friend this. It took away the stigma, he thought. The minute you talked about the
Finkler Question
, say, or the
Finklerish Conspiracy
, you sucked out the toxins. But he was never quite able to get around to explaining this to Finkler himself.

They were both the sons of uppity shopkeepers. Treslove's father sold cigars and smoking accoutrements, Finkler's pharmaceuticals. Sam Finkler's father was famous for dispensing pills which reinvigorated people apparently at death's door. They took his pills and their hair grew back, their backs straightened, their biceps swelled. Finkler senior was himself a walking miracle, a one-time stomach cancer patient now become the living proof of what his pills were capable of achieving. He would invite customers to his pharmacy, no matter what their ailments, to punch him in the stomach. Right where his cancer had once been. 'Harder,' he'd say. 'Punch me harder. No, no good, I still don't feel a thing.'

And then when they marvelled at his strength he would produce his box of pills. 'Three a day, with meals, and you too will never feel pain again.'

For all the circus hocus-pocus he was a religious man who wore a black fedora, was an active member of his synagogue, and prayed to God to keep him alive.

Julian Treslove knew he would never be clever in a Finklerish way.
D'Jew know Jewno
. . . He'd never be able to come up with anything like that. His brain worked at a different temperature. It took him longer to make his mind up and no sooner did he make his mind up than he wanted to change it again. But he was, he believed, and perhaps for that reason, the more boldly imaginative of the two. He would come to school balancing his night's dreams like an acrobat bearing a human pyramid on his shoulders. Most of them were about being left alone in vast echoing rooms, or standing over empty graves, or watching houses burn. 'What do you think that was about?' he'd ask his friend. 'Search me,' was Finkler's invariable reply. As though he had more important things to think about. Finkler never dreamed. On principle, it sometimes seemed to Treslove, Finkler never dreamed.

Unless he was just too tall to dream.

So Treslove had to figure out his own dreams for himself. They were about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They were about being too late, unless they were about being too early. They were about waiting for an axe to fall, a bomb to drop, a dangerous woman to dabble her fingers in his heart. Julie, Judith, Juno . . .

Huno.

He also dreamed about misplacing things and never being able to find them despite the most desperate searches in unlikely places - behind skirting boards, inside his father's violin, between the pages of a book even when what he was looking for was bigger than the book. Sometimes the sensation of having misplaced something precious lasted throughout the day.

Libor, more than three times their age when they met him, had turned up out of the blue - he really did look, in his maroon velvet suit and matching bow tie, as though he'd pushed open the wrong door, like Treslove in his dreams - to teach them European history, though mainly what he wanted to talk to them about was communist oppression (from which he'd had the foresight to flee in 1948, just before it sunk its claws into his country), Hussite Bohemia and the part played by windows in Czech history. Julian Treslove thought he had said 'widows' and became agitated.

'Widows in Czech history, sir?'

'Windows, chlapec, windows!'

He had been a journalist of sorts in his own country, a well-connected film critic and gossip columnist, and then again, as Egon Slick, a showbusiness commentator in Hollywood, squiring beautiful actresses around the bars of Sunset Boulevard, and writing about them for the glamour-starved English press, yet now here he was teaching the absurdities of Czech history to English schoolboys in a north London Grammar School. If anything could be more existentially absurd than Czech history, it was his own.

It was for Malkie that he'd relinquished Hollywood. She never accompanied him on his assignments, preferring to keep the home fires burning. 'I like waiting for you,' she told him. 'I love the anticipation of your return.' But he could tell the anticipation was wearing thin. And there were material cares he didn't feel he could leave her to go on handling on her own. He broke a contract and argued with his editor. He wanted time to write the stories of where he'd been and who he'd met. Teaching gave him that time.