The Finkler Question (21 page)

'I do.'

'You don't.'

'I truly do.'

'You truly don't, but I am touched by your wanting to. You have been lovely to me. I am under no illusions, Julian. I get men. I know the bizarre way masculine friendship works. I have never fooled myself that I am any different to other wives in this position - a means for you two to work out your rivalry. I told you that at the beginning. But I've been happy to take advantage of that for my own purposes. And I thank you for having made me feel it was me you wanted.'

'It was you I wanted.'

'I believe it was. But not as much as you wanted Samuel.'

Treslove was horrified. '
I
, want Sam?'

'Oh, not in the wanting to fuck him sense.
I've
never loved him in the wanting to fuck him sense. I doubt anybody has. He's not a fuckable man. Not that that's ever stopped him . . . or them. But he has something, my husband, not a glow exactly, but some air of secrecy that you want to penetrate, a kind of fast-track competence or know-how that you would like to have rub off on you. He is one of those Jews to whom, in an another age, even the most avidly Jew-hating emperor or sultan would have given high office. He appears connected, he knows how to get on, and you feel that if you are close to him he will get on for the both of you. But I don't have to tell you. You feel it. I know you feel it.'

'Well, I didn't know I felt it.'

'Trust me, you feel it. And that's where I come in. I'm the bit that rubs off on you. Through me you connect to him.'

'Tyler -'

'It's all right. I don't mind being the stolen stardust that sprinkles you with second-hand importance. I get my revenge on him and at the same time get to feel more cared for by you.'

She kissed him. A thank-you kiss.

The kiss, Treslove thought, that a woman gives a man who doesn't shake her to her soul. For that was what his 'caring' for her denoted - that he was kind but not challenging, not a man of influence, not someone who gave her access to the fast track. Yes, she came round to his house, slid with angular infidelity into his bed and fucked him, but without ever truly noticing he was there. Even this kiss somehow glanced by him, as though she were really kissing a man standing in the room behind.

Was it true, what she had said? That sleeping with Sam's wife gave him temporary honorary entry to Sam's success? If it was true, why then didn't he feel more successful? He liked the idea of Sam being an unfuckable man, but what was that information worth if he was an unfuckable man himself. Poor Tyler, fucking two unfuckable men. No wonder she looked ill.

But poor me as well, Treslove thought.

A means to work out their rivalry, she had called herself.
Their
rivalry - implying that there was something in this for Sam too. Did that mean he knew? Was it possible that when she got home Tyler would tell her husband what an unfuckable man his friend was? And would Sam get off on that? Would they get off on it together?

Did Finklers do that?

For the first time, Treslove broke the rule all adulterers must obey or perish, and pictured them in bed together. Tyler, fresh from Treslove, turning to her husband smiling, facing him as she had never once faced Treslove, holding his penis in front of her like a bridal bouquet, not a problem to be solved behind her back like Treslove's. Looking at it even, perhaps giving it name, confronting it head-on, admiring it, as she had never once confronted and admired his.

'In the meantime,' she said, looking at her watch, though she didn't mean 'this minute', 'he's got himself a new craze.'

Did Treslove care? 'What?' he wondered.

She waved the subject away as though, now he asked, she wished she hadn't brought it up, or as though she felt he would never understand the ins and outs of it.

'Oh, this Israel business. Sorry, Palestine, as he insists on calling it.'

'I know. I've heard him.'

'You heard him on
Desert Island Discs
?'

'Missed it,' Treslove lied. He hadn't
missed
it. He had gone to great lengths not to hear it or to be in contact with anyone who had. Watching Finkler on television while sleeping with his wife was one thing, but
Desert
Island Discs
to which the whole country tuned in . . .

'Wise move. I wish I'd missed it. In fact I'd have come round here
in order
to miss it but he wanted me to listen to it with him. Which should have made me suspicious. How come no Ronit . . .?'

Again Treslove found himself thinking of Tyler and Sam in bed together, face to face, listening to
Desert Island Discs
, Tyler admiring Sam's penis, crooning over it while on the radio the man himself did his Palestine thing.

He said nothing.

'Anyway, that was where he came out with it.'

'Came out with what?'

'His confession of shame.'

'Shame about Ronit?'

'Shame about Israel, you fool.'

'Oh, that. I've heard him on the subject with Libor. It's nothing new.'

'It's new to announce it to the country. Do you know how many people listen to that programme?'

Treslove had a fair idea but didn't want to get into a discussion about numbers. Mention of millions hurt Treslove's ear. 'So does he regret it now?'

'Regret it! He's like the cat that got the cream. He has a whole new bunch of friends. The ASHamed Jews. They're a bit like the Lost Boys. It's all down to careless mothering if you ask me.'

Treslove laughed. Partly in appreciation of Tyler's joke, partly to dispel the idea of Finkler having new friends. 'Does he know you call them that?'

'The Lost Boys?'

'No, the ASHamed Jews.'

'Oh, they're not my invention. They call themselves that. They're a movement, inspired, would you believe, by my hubby. They write letters to the papers.'

'As ASHamed Jews?'

'As ASHamed Jews.'

'That's a bit disempowering, isn't it?'

'How do you mean?'

'Well, to make your shame your platform. Reminds me of the Ellen Jamesians.'

'Haven't heard of them. Are they anti-Zionists too? Don't tell Sam. If they're anti-Zionist
and
women he'll join in a shot.'

'They're the deranged feminists in
The World According to Garp
. John Irving - no? Garrulous American novelist. Wrestler. Writes a bit like one. I made one of my first radio programmes about the Ellen Jamesians. They cut out their tongues in solidarity with a young woman who was raped and mutilated. Something of a self-defeating action, since they couldn't thereafter effectively voice their anger. A good anti-feminist joke, I always thought, not that I'm, you know -'

'Well. I doubt there'll be any tongue cutting with this lot. They're a gobby bunch, used to the limelight and the sound of their own voices. Sam's on the phone to them every minute God sends. And then there are the meetings.'

'They have meetings?'

'Not public ones, as far as I know. Not yet, anyway. But they meet at one another's houses. Sounds disgusting to me. Like group confessionals. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Sam's their father confessor. "I forgive you, my child. Say three
I am ashamed
s and don't go to Eilat for your holidays." I won't allow them in my house.'

'And is that all they stand for - being ashamed of being Jewish?'

'Whoa!' She laid a hand on his arm. 'You're not allowed to say that. It's not Jews they're ashamed of being. It's Israel. Palestine. Whatever.'

'So are they Israelis?'

'You know Sam is not an Israeli. He won't even go there.'

'I meant the others.'

'I don't know about all of them, but they're actors and comedians and those I've heard of certainly aren't Israelis.'

'So how can they be ashamed? How can you be ashamed of a country that's not yours?' Treslove truly was puzzled.

'It's because they're Jewish.'

'But you said they're not ashamed of being Jewish.'

'Exactly. But they're ashamed
as
Jews.'

'Ashamed
as
Jews of a country of which they are not citizens . . .?'

Tyler laid a hand on his arm again. 'Look,' she said, 'what do we know? I think you've got to be one to get it.'

'Be one what? One of the ASHamed?'

'A Jew. You've got to be a Jew to get why you're ashamed of being a Jew.'

'I always forget that you're not.'

'Well, I'm not. Except by adoption and hard work.'

'But at least that way you're not ashamed.'

'Indeed I'm not. If anything I'm rather proud. Though not of my husband. Of him I'm ashamed.'

'So you're both ashamed.'

'Yes, but of different things. He's ashamed because he's a Jew, I'm ashamed because he's not.'

'And the kids?'

Tyler became abrupt. 'They're at university, Julian, remember. Which means they're old enough to make up their own minds . . . but I haven't brought them up Jewish only to be ashamed.' She laughed at her own words. 'Listen to me -
brought them up Jewish
.'

Treslove wanted to tell her he loved her again.

'And?' he asked.

'And what?'

'And what are they?'

'One is, one isn't, one's not sure.'

'You have three?'

She pretended to hit him, but with little force. 'You're the one who should be ashamed,' she said.

'Oh, I am, don't worry. I am ashamed of most things though none of them have anything to do with Jews. Unless I should be ashamed of
us
.'

She exchanged a long look with him, a look that spoke of the past, not the future. 'Don't you get sick of us?' she said, as though wanting to change the subject. 'I don't mean us us, I mean Jews. Don't you get sick of our, their, self-preoccupation?'

'I never get sick of you.'

'Stop it. Answer me - don't you wish they'd shut up about themselves?'

'
ASHamed Jews?'

'All Jews. Endlessly falling out in public about how Jewish to be, whether they are or they aren't, whether they're practising or they're not, whether to wear fringes or eat bacon, whether they feel safe here or precarious, whether the world hates them or it doesn't, the fucking Holocaust, fucking Palestine . . .'

'No. Can't say I notice. Sam, maybe, yes. I always feel when he talks about Palestine that he's paying his parents back for something. It reminds me of swearing for the first time when you're a kid - daring God to strike you down. And wanting to show you belong to the kids who already do swear. But I don't understand the politics. Only that if anyone's going to be ashamed then maybe we all should be.'

'Exactly. The arrogance of them - ASHamed Jews for God's sake, as though the world waits upon the findings of their consciences. That's what shames me -'

'As a Jewess.'

'I've warned you about that word.'

'I know,' said Treslove, 'but I get hot saying it.'

'Well, you mustn't.'

'My Jewess,' he said, 'my unashamed Jewess that isn't,' and took her to him and held her. She felt smaller in his arms than when he'd first tried to hold her a year ago or more. There was less spring in her flesh, he thought. And her clothes were less sharp. Literally sharp. He bled when he first held her. There was anger in her still, but no fight. That she would consent to enter his arms at all, let alone be still in them, proved her alteration. The less of her there was, the more of her was his.