The Finding of Freddie Perkins

‘…for nothing is lost that can not be
found again if sought.'
(Edmund Spenser,
The Faerie Queene
)

Written for, and dedicated to, Jilly Bean
for Christmas 2010 – and for so many reasons.

1 Arriving nowhere slow

2 Then and now

3 Granny P speaks

4 Up and above

5 Some lovely finds

6 On the table

7 Out of the attic and into the house

8 The silence moves in again

9 The impossible might just be possible

10 In writing

11 Scientific observations

12 Find and seek

13 Seeing the full picture

14 More Fynd studies

15 Finding and keeping

About the Author

It took Freddie Perkins exactly thirty-seven seconds to decide he hated Willow Beck. And another thirteen until he was sure, once and for all, that Granny P was as old, dusty and boring as her house was.

You might think this hasty or rash, but Freddie had had a lot of time to plan, and to consider what his reaction was going to be. He had formed it during all the endless thinking time he had had over the four months when he was packing up his room. He had perfected it whilst watching other children look at his awesome view over the London sky-scape. And he had confirmed it over and over again during what must surely have been a hundred-hour journey up endless motorways, with the red removal lorry following them and his mostly-silent dad driving next to him – all the way from Westgate Square Gardens to wherever it was in the middle of nowhere they were now.

* * *

It had been simply the worst year in history. And Freddie reckoned Dad agreed – even though he didn't say so.

It had started with the accident. That bleak January morning when the car was slower than ever to start and the brakes made that nasty squeaking sound that Mum always said was like a chipmunk stuck in a washing machine. It had been a freezing day, where playtime felt like punishment on the frozen
playground and lessons seemed to go on forever, and then suddenly Freddie was pulled out of class and he felt joy in a rush at the freedom and then – a sickening despair when he saw the expression on Mr Grimthorpe's face.

There had been a phone call, apparently, and Dad was coming to fetch him to explain. At least, that was what Freddie thought he remembered Mr Grimthorpe saying. But it was difficult to recall the exact events through the fog that still seemed to surround his memory of that afternoon, and the weeks that followed. There had been a loud rushing like sea in his ears that started almost as soon as his headmaster started speaking, and did not stop until well after the polite-but-embarrassed conversations over dry sandwiches that stuck in his throat.

It was then, when he felt able to hear clearly again, that Freddie noticed the silence.

Mum had gone and in her place was silence.

But the silence was bigger even than the hole Mum had left behind. It seemed to take Dad's place too. He was still there, of course. But not
as
there as the silence was. It was in every room. Every conversation. It was the deafening sound of what wasn't said; a
thunderous roar that shouted, over and over again,
Nothing you say will ever make things better now
.

Gradually the silence took over so much of Westgate Square Gardens that the only part of it where there was any air left to breathe was his room. He and Mum had spent hours up there last winter, carefully painting the famous London buildings you could see, if you stood on tiptoe to the right of the window, onto the back wall in mirror image.
Though Mum doesn't need to stand on tiptoe of course
, Freddie thought.

Didn't
need.

He mentally corrected himself. Again.

Didn't
need. She
was
tall. She
used to be
tall. No, it was no good. It still didn't sound right.

After school every night that winter, Mum and Freddie had sat at the kitchen table, chatting and laughing over steaming hot chocolate with sweets as floaters and extra sprinkles. And then they would go upstairs, find another building, and work out how to paint it shape by shape. Domes were semi-circles, and towers combined rectangles and triangles. Freddie's mum painted beautiful pictures. But better still, she knew just how to help him to see things like she did – shapes, colours and ideas.

They made up stories together, too. Amazing ones that made you believe the impossible was true. It all seemed so easy with Mum. But now he couldn't see any of it any more.

And so he sat in his attic bedroom, where the silence didn't dare come. And he looked at the wall. And he stood on tiptoe and stared out of the window, straining to see anything else to add to the wall. But there was never anything of course – because they had found everything last winter. And even if there had been something new, he wouldn't have been able to paint it now anyway. So it was pointless.

* * *

Freddie's dad had stopped coming up to his room so often from quite soon after the accident. When he did come, he seemed to bring the silence with him anyway – so Freddie didn't much mind that they didn't play computer games together any more, or shoot hoops over the waste bin, or have tickle fights. It was better to be on his own if it meant the silence stayed away.

To begin with, they had both tried to be out of the house as much as possible so they could escape
it. And during those first few horrible weeks, when everyone thought it would be best if there was no school for him and no work for Dad, they had tried to find their old easy rhythm of chatter at all their favourite Saturday afternoon haunts.

But it seemed like everywhere they went together, the silence came too. It would sit between them at the cinema, no matter how funny the film had looked from the trailer; or sidle up to them in the queue for ice-cream at Scoops. It would rudely interrupt any excitement at a new exhibition at the Science Museum and it even seemed to muscle in on a kick-around in the park.

It seemed like it wanted to be there whenever and wherever Freddie and his dad were together. And eventually, if Freddie was honest, he started to be relieved when he sensed it approaching. It had become more familiar to him now than the polite small talk they made, or the sickening breathless feeling that came on him suddenly whenever his dad tried to start a conversation about ‘things that mattered'.

So Freddie was almost pleased when the normal routine of school and work started again, and he got
to stay in his room more, and to shut the door on it all.

After that, Freddie didn't know where his dad went to get away from the silence, because he didn't say, but it was definitely out. And it was definitely alone.

* * *

After a few short months that seemed more like an eternity, Dad decided that Westgate Square Gardens was too crowded for them. That was how it felt, anyway.

Other people said yes, of course they should move, because there was ‘too much space' – it was such a big house for them to rattle around in, just the two of them.

And in a way they were right, Freddie supposed. After all, no one was using the studio any more, or the office. And there were no more dinner parties with his mum rushing around stressed beforehand, but then bubbling over with sparkling laughter that drifted up the stairs all evening.

Freddie knew what Dad meant, though. It
was
too crowded. There was all the space the silence took
up, of course. But Dad said it was the memories that finally squeezed them out of the house.

Freddie thought it wasn't memories either, exactly. Instead, it was almost as if Mum needed more space now. Neither of them dared to put away anything she had left out anywhere, or settle down with the TV or a book in any of the rooms where she had done those things.

So Freddie agreed with his dad. The unspoken truth was acknowledged between them. They couldn't go on with their lives at Westgate Square Gardens without her. And as they
were
without her – horribly without her – they would have to leave.

Or at least Freddie had
thought
he agreed… until he knew the solution Dad had in mind.

* * *

The last weeks at Westgate Square Gardens became the last weeks in London. So there had to be a last week at school; a last day in the playground; and a last play round at Robbie's house. Then there was a last after-school hang out at Mrs Cook's next door while Dad worked late in the City for the last time, and a last stroke of her dog Fudge.

The lasts went on and on – endless lists of them that became so long Freddie simply couldn't hold them all in his head any more.

The lasts were bad. But this was worse.

They were
here
.

Miles and miles away from London – nowhere. Literally right in the middle of it. In a totally different country. At Willow Beck. With Granny P, who they never used to see much because she lived so far away, and was too old to make the journey down from Scotland often.

Granny P who wasn't at all like Grammie.

Grammie was chatty and funny and had dimples just like Mum's. She lived in Brighton, and Mum and Freddie used to catch the train to see her all the time until the worst year in history started.

Grammie had come to London on that horrible polite Thursday of course, and made all the sandwiches whilst Dad and he just sat there waiting for it to be over.

Freddie had been to stay in her bright beach house during the Easter holidays and half terms too. Even though it had felt strange without Mum, Grammie had been just the same, and there was no silence
in any of her rooms. Each time, Freddie came back desperate to see Dad, imagining somehow that he would now be who he was before the accident. But each time he wasn't, and so Freddie would find himself wishing he could have stayed with Grammie for longer.

Granny P was quiet and spoke in such a whisper that she made it even harder for you to understand her strange accent. And she was definitely not funny. She had no dimples – in fact she wasn't at all the same shape as Grammie, who was like a giant marshmallow, and gave you such fiercely wonderful hugs that you were torn between never wanting them to end and being desperate to get your breath back.

Granny P was skinny, bony and frail. She looked like she was made of wrinkly, folded paper that would crumble into a thousand tiny pieces if she ever chose to give you more than her customary brief, delicate embrace. She wore old person clothes, too. Flowery dresses, pastel cardigans, and starchy, tweedy suits. Not like Grammie's flowing, colourful clothes or sparkly, bright jewellery.

And she had never bounded up to Freddie's room to play computer games, look at his skyline mural, or
shoot hoops, like Mum, Dad and Grammie. Instead she sat quietly on Mum's favourite paisley chair, drinking tea and talking in her strange quiet tones to Mum – who seemed bizarrely riveted by every word she uttered between her tiny, fairy-like sips.