The Fight Within (65 page)

“Where is uh, Brian?”

“Over Jett’s house…they’ve got some DJ battle thing this weekend.” He nodded and rocked a bit as he looked down into his drink. Taking a needful sip, he sat back and sighed, then placed the cup on the nearby end table.

“Asia asleep?”

“Yes. She’s got dance practice tomorrow.”

He nodded once again, guilt ridden that he didn’t know where his children were, and what they were doing…just as the big Irish punk had accused.

“Brian’s been uh, distant lately. We had a falling out, too.”

She remained silent, only crossed her legs in the other direction and glared at him. He clasped his hands together, unsure what to do with himself as his anxiety mounted.

“He hasn’t been returning my calls. I tried to get a hold of him twice in the past three days, but it went straight to voicemail. I guess he’s angry…about everything.”

“And he has the right to be angry,” she stated solemnly.

“Yeah.” He rocked a bit harder and twisted his hands. “I guess that would be so. Treasure, I don’t know exactly why I did what I did. What I do know is that I felt some sort of emptiness inside.” He looked up at her earnestly. “I do love you though. I never stopped loving you, Treasure.”

“I believe that you believe that,” She sighed, looked away as she swung her foot back and forth. “But it doesn’t even matter at this point. What matters is that we have two beautiful children who don’t need us to love one another. They need us to work
together
to make their life as good as possible. None of this is their fault, they didn’t ask for this, but they are the ones suffering, Jackson. I only care about Brian and Asia regarding this. You and I are secondary.”

“Yeah, I definitely agree with that. You’ve got a mothering instinct.” He smiled weakly. “My father didn’t take care of me and my sister, he ran the streets, so I always told myself if I ever had kids, I’d make sure they had everything they needed.”

“But you haven’t given them everything they needed, Jackson.”

“…I know. I know.” He looked down at his shoes.

“What they need doesn’t always have a price tag on it. Your quality time with them is priceless. You help pay this mortgage per our divorce agreement. You pay child support. You pay alimony. But you don’t pay them
any
attention.” Her voice trembled as the pain in her heart rose, exposing itself to him. He stared at her, unable to speak.

“I’d write you a check right
now
, Jackson, empty out every damn dime in my bank account if it would take away even a fraction of Brian and Asia’s pain due to our broken marriage and your neglect. I’d give you back every cent of alimony and add interest too, just to give them peace of mind, but that won’t change things! It won’t bring their sense of security back. I can’t be their daddy
and
their mama, too! I tried, I failed, and now I’m payin’ for it.”

“…I lost my way. I lost my wife. I lost my son…and I will lose my daughter, too, if something doesn’t change.”

They sat there quietly for a minute or two as he worked the tears away, pushing them aside, begging them not to fall.

“Do you love him, Treasure? You said you did, but is that true, or was it just said to hurt me?”

She slowly set her bottle of water down by her feet and looked up at him.

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

He nodded and looked away, feeling lower than low, feeling like the rain should wash him away down some drain so he didn’t have to feel the tightening in his throat and the throbbing in his chest.

“I never loved Jennifer, Treasure. I just thought I did,” he said, working his hands once again, looking down at them as his fingers twisted around and around one another. “And all the other women…they meant nothing to me. You are the
only
woman I’ve ever loved.” He looked up at her, tears in his eyes. “You’re gone now though and you know what hurts the most?”

“What?”

“I was too prideful to tell you how I felt until you got involved with someone else.”

“If it’s any consolation, Jackson, it wouldn’t have mattered.”

“What wouldn’t have mattered?”

“You approaching me before I met Sean. I’d already had enough. I was done before you’d even moved out. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I couldn’t take
one
more lie…
one
more excuse…
one
more blame for the way you’d treated me. I just couldn’t.” She shook her head and looked away.

“I think I knew that…I think I knew you were done,” he shrugged, “so it was as if there was nothing left to fight for…might as well go out with a bang. One thing still perplexes me. Can you humor me with an answer?”

“What is it?”

He reached over and grasped his cup, took a generous mouthful, and set it back down.

“What was the final straw for you? What did I do that made you say, ‘that’s it.’”

“Does that really matter now?”

“To me it does. And the reason why, Treasure, is because you literally, like in a twenty-four hour period, went from ignoring me to being belligerent. Something put you in overdrive. You screamed for me to get out, told me you were done, and threw me out, but you never told me what caused that scene that night. You never told me and I just want to know. Please tell me. It’s bothered me for a long time.”

He stared at her for a long while. She stared back, hollowness in her eyes.

“Jackson, when you asked to marry me, do you remember that day?”

“Yeah.” He burst out laughing, a silly grin he couldn’t shake creased his face. “I was excited, had gotten into law school.”

“Yes, you were happy and it was pouring down rain, much like it is right now. You got on one knee and you raised a tiny ring in the air. I cried! I was so happy I didn’t know what to do with myself. You asked me to marry you and I accepted. I was sure we’d be together forever. I was determined to support you in good times and in bad, to stick by your side. I was determined to be a good wife and be everything you needed me to be. You didn’t have any money, nor did I, but we were going to make it work.”

“And we did…for a while.”

“But I was the only one trying, Jackson. Once you got accepted into the firm and began to receive those big, beautiful checks, you changed. But then I realized, you hadn’t changed. That possibility was already in you; it just needed to be cultivated. I loved you when you didn’t even have a car or a place of your own! I loved you when you had three jobs that paid minimum wage, and then you had the
audacity
during the divorce proceedings, to label me a gold digger! You ain’t have shit but the beauty of your smile, a brilliant, intellectual brain in that head of yours, and a beating, hungry heart in that chest—and that’s all you needed for me to love you! That’s all you needed, Jackson! You told me I was greedy, when it was
you
who saw me as never enough!” Her finger probed into her chest, moving the robe open a hair, exposing more of her gorgeous flesh.

His tongue became thick and tied like rope, and he swung from his words, hanging on memories that refused to let him simply just die.

“So, you may wonder what all of that has to do with your question, right?”

“…I do.”

“Being the great lawyer that you are, you wanted a simple answer to a complex situation. But you needed the background first, Jackson, for without seeing the past, the present doesn’t make much sense.” She took a deep breath and folded her hands together as she leaned forward. “Jackson, when you asked me to marry you, that ring was fake. I knew it was fake, but I never said one word to you. For me, it was the thought that counted and I knew that when we got on our feet, you’d get me something nicer later. Well, that didn’t happen, and I honestly no longer cared because I had the man, and the hardware was tributary. Then, one day, after you’d been out late again, blaming it on meetings when I knew good and damn well you were screwing that whore that kept calling this house, I discovered a beautiful little black box in the recesses of your closet.”

He swallowed harshly, wishing he could swallow his whole self, too.

“I have no idea to this day what told me to go through your things, but I did. I never had before, but this particular night, after yet another lie about a meeting or whatever, I decided to take a tour of our home. Lo and behold, I find a gorgeous, big, beautiful diamond ring! Imagine my delight when I viewed it, thinking you were going to give it to me, possibly ask to renew our vows and start all over!” She clutched the fabric of her robe in her grasp, bringing it closed, keeping it secure, protecting herself from her own words as she relived the past.

“…But then, I saw a card beneath it. It hadn’t struck me at first, escaped my radar. I picked it up, slid my finger under the light pink fold with the red heart sticker, and removed the greeting card. On the front were two white doves, and I thought to myself, ‘Oh, how sweet!’ Then, I opened the card, Jackson…and you know what I read. I read how you loved a woman, how she saved you, made you feel whole again. I read about how patient and understanding she’d been with you. I read about how you’d asked me for a divorce, but I threatened to keep your kids from you. I think that hurt the most, Jackson.”

He kept his eyes to the ground.

“The fact that you could lie like that, so easily, between the two of us. That you could involve our children, and pretend to be the doting father married to an evil villain…the same ol’ bullshit most married men tell their mistresses, and the same ol’ bullshit those mistresses swallow, just like that married man’s cum!”

He looked up at her, not believing his ears. Treasure never used words like that, spoke that way. Yes…she’d changed.

“So, I put your card and letter back, and the ring, too. And when you walked in here, smelling like another woman’s pussy—it was all…over…your damn body—I had reached my breaking point, Jackson. I had given up on us, but for a fraction of a second, when I saw that ring, I thought you were going to really try to make it work with me, put in effort. Once that hope was given and snatched within a five minute radius, I truly lost my mind.” She laughed sadly. “I knew I had to get rid of you. I understood that Asia could not be raised by a woman who would put up with anything just so she could have a handsome, wealthy man in the house. I had to be a better example for our son!” She swiped a tear away. “And I knew that boy would hate me because he loved his father something awful, Jackson!

“He was your shadow! Whatever you did, Brian wanted to do, too, but I
had
to do it, because he needed to understand that my love for him was bigger and stronger than my love for a man that was setting a horrible example of what a husband and father is supposed to be! I kept wanting to see the good in you, the ‘God’ in you, as my father used to say,” she said. “I remembered the old Jackson, ya know? The one that used to lay his jacket over puddles for me, the one that would help me with my homework. The one that would make love to me, and promise me he’d be faithful and love me for the rest of my life! I missed the Jackson whom I would sit with and laugh, just cracking up together at dumb little things. We didn’t have anything! No big fancy house, no nice expensive furniture and shoes, but we had each other! But that, Jackson, was long gone…

“And the new Jackson didn’t give a damn about anyone, but himself. So,” she shrugged and took a deep breath, “I had to buck up, get a backbone, and grow up. I had to depart from La-La-Land, and enter Reality Central. That’s the night I found that diamond ring in the little green bag. That’s the evening I found a lawyer, too. That’s the night I told myself it was time for Treasure to start treasuring her damn self for a change. And I did… So there’s your answer, Jackson. There’s your answer.”

He wiped another tear away with the back of his hand. “How unbelievably ironic.” He chuckled.

“What’s ironic about this?”

“Well.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I left that ring here, actually. When I moved out, I left it on purpose. I had no idea you’d found it. I got rid of the card, but left the ring in the box. It was strange, you know?” he winced as he replayed the memories in his mind. “I was packing and I…I didn’t want to take it with me. So, I left it right there in the closet, in the corner. It’s almost like I wanted you to have it…to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ So, I got rid of the card, and wanted you to find it…keep it, maybe wear it. I didn’t care, but…I wanted you to have the ring you deserved, not the little cubic zirconia one I’d bought you on my McDonald’s restaurant wage. I forgot about that ring, Treasure…” He looked at her earnestly. “It completely slipped my mind after a while. May I ask what you did with it?”

“I don’t think you want to know…”

He looked away from her and shook his head, but couldn’t help a smirk. “You threw away a six carat diamond ring, Treasure?” He raised a brow in disbelief.

“I sure as hell did. It wasn’t for me; it was for some
trash
you’d met and brought into our lives. So, I put it back where it belonged.”

“I can’t believe it.” He chuckled. “But I’m not mad… Honestly, I’m not! I suppose that’s what I deserved.” He grabbed his lukewarm tea and took another sip. “Well, thank you for answering my question and letting me inside to talk.” He got to his feet. She leisurely followed suit, holding herself stiff and poised.

“You’re welcome.”

He passed her and made his way to the door with her trailing behind. She reached for the door and opened it, but he kept his back toward her, not wanting to step away, leave her there. Looking over his shoulder, he smiled at her, and the love he had for the woman poured out of his heart once more. He dared himself to look her in the eye and not feel this way—damn near impossible.

“Tell my son I’ll be by Sunday afternoon. We’re going to lunch to talk whether he likes it or not. I’d tell him myself, but…well, you know.”

She nodded, and held the door.

“I’ll give Asia a call tomorrow after her dance practice. Maybe she’d like to go to dinner…just me and her.”

“I think she’d like that, Jackson.”