The Fifth Circle (3 page)

He’d
obviously tried to look his best that night, thus reminding me that an attractive man lurked beneath the online-gaming, geeky façade. He was clean, and for him, that was a good start. He often came to school rumpled and unshaved, but, tonight his shirt was well-pressed and his meadow-green tie matched his eyes.

When we walked into the gym,
my face heated. I knew people would stare at us. I wasn’t well-known at school, but Sean was—and not in a good way. With each step I took, I felt increasingly uncomfortable. Sean put his hand on the small of my back and tried to maneuver me toward the picture booth. It took every ounce of self-control not to twist away from him.

I tried to control my breathing and glanced up at the giant clock above the scoreboard.
We’d have to stay at least an hour or two before Sean would allow me to escape. He pulled me close and I stiffened. His head rested just above my shoulder as I teetered around in my ill-fitting shoes. I clung to him to keep from falling, and he must have taken my grasping lurch as encouragement, because he pulled me closer still.

“Alex,” he murmured in my ear. “I have to tell you something.”

Oh, God
, I thought desperately.
If he declares his love, I’ll pass out right in the middle of the gym.

“Whassup,
Stryder?” a voice called loudly, breaking into my thoughts. I was almost grateful for the interruption, but not quite. Darren Kennedy was the biggest asshole in the school, and there he stood smirking at the two of us. Other couples stopped dancing to watch the show.

“Ignore him,” I whispered, desperate to avoid the inevitable bloodshed which would result if Sean tried to defend himself. 

“Oh, no. Wait. You’re not Stryder. Kind of hard to tell the difference, isn’t it?” Darren asked. Sean had always been picked on, but it got worse at the beginning of our Junior year when he started referring to himself as ‘Stryder,’ the name of his avatar. His teachers, of course, refused to call him Stryder, but the other students quickly began using his chosen name. They mocked him relentlessly, using his own avatar against him.

“
Piss off,” Sean muttered. His body was rigid with fury and one eye twitched spastically.

I pulled his arm, and tried to lead him from the dance floor. This was difficult because I could hardly walk without falling.

“So, is this your girlfriend?” Darren asked. “I didn’t know you had any real friends. I didn’t think you knew how to tell the difference between real life…” he broke off when the principal made an announcement over the intercom. Darren found his date and reported to the stage to join the other members of the Homecoming court.

“Let’s go,” I urged. “Come on, I hate all these people.”

“I’m sorry. The night is ruined now. I should have beat the shit out of him,” Sean said angrily. We both knew Sean would never be able to beat the shit out of Darren. Darren was the biggest football player on the team. He was also the biggest coward and never picked a fight unless he had a group of friends to back him up.

We left the gym and I breathed a sigh of relief when we reached his truck.
His eyes were glassy with tears and I felt embarrassed on his behalf. His life wasn’t easy. I was a non-entity, but Sean was a laughingstock.

“You want to drive around?” I asked.
It was too early to head home. My mom wouldn’t expect me for a least a couple of hours, and I didn’t want to explain to her why we cut the night short.

“Sure
.”

We rode in silence for several minutes and I looked out the window at the setting sun. Sean steered the truck out of the residential area we lived in, and soon we
’d entered the unincorporated part of the county. To the left was endless farmland, while to the right, the landscape dipped toward the lowlands. Sometimes, when the river was at flood stage, water came right up to the street. I rolled the window down just a little, and I could smell the boggy, earthy scent of the Mississippi River. We drove down highway 94 toward Illinois and he finally parked the car on an empty boat ramp overlooking the river. I didn’t know what to say, so I remained silent.

“Everyone thinks I’m a joke,” he complained.

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do
. You only went out with me because you feel sorry for me. You’re afraid I’ll kill myself if you reject me. I’m not that crazy, Alex. You don’t have to tip-toe around my feelings.”

“I know that, Sean. You’re right. I didn’t want to go to the dance at all. I went with you because you’re my friend and I car
e about you.”

“But you’ll never consider me as anything other than a friend. I’ll never have a real chance with you, especially after what happened last school year.
I know Stryder wasn’t real,” he stated abruptly, turning toward me. “I’m not an idiot. It’s just that I’d put so much time into the game. It was an investment, and when he got killed, it just highlighted how much time I’d wasted. That’s what made me depressed. Nobody gets that.”

“I
get it. I understand. I know you better than anyone.”

He touched my face and wiped away a tear from just beneath my eye. I didn’t move.
As he lowered his lips to mine, I closed my eyes. His lips were hesitant and gentle. It was impossible for me to know whether or not he was a good kisser. It was the first time I’d ever been kissed by someone my age.

His tongue traced my lips and I parted them slightly. I
tried not to gag when he pushed his tongue into my mouth. Counting to ten in my mind, I reminded myself it was just Sean—just Sean. He would never hurt me. When his breathing grew heavy, I pulled my mouth away. He moved his lips to my neck. He nipped my earlobe and ran his tongue down my throat. 

“Sean,” I whispered. I wasn’t ready for this. Not with him.
Not with anyone. It was too soon, too frightening, too overwhelming.

“Please, Alex,” he begged. “I’ve loved you forever. Just let me touch you. Just this once.”

My will crumbled—what he’d said before was true. I saw him as fragile and I was afraid to reject him. With the lyrics of my theme song racing through my head, I held my breath as his hand brushed against my breast. He moaned as he pulled at my dress straps and eased part of the fabric down, exposing tender flesh. I fought back tears. I had to stop him. We’d already gone farther than I wanted to. His lips crushed mine and he pushed me back against the seat. 

“En
ough,” I hissed. He didn’t stop. I felt sensations in places best left ignored. “Sean, enough. Stop!” We flew apart, both of us breathing heavily. “Oh, my God,” I whispered, shuddering.

“Sorry. I thought you
…” he trailed off, embarrassed.

“No! I mean,
it’s nothing against you. I just…I’m not ready.” It was humiliating admitting that I was so immature at eighteen. Maybe this was what guys automatically expected when you went out on a date. Maybe I was supposed to repay him sexually for the dance tickets. Maybe Sean, a guy who I’d always believed was as emotionally crippled as I, had been with dozens of girls. Maybe he’d made that leap into adulthood and left me behind. “Wait. You haven’t…”

“You know I haven’t,” he said. “I wanted it to be with you. But, not here.
I didn’t force you, did I?” he asked anxiously.

“No. I’m just not ready. Not yet,” I said. Not
ever, I wanted to say. I refused to make eye contact with him as I put myself back together. I smoothed my hair, fixed my dress, and checked out my face in the rear-view mirror. I was certain anyone who looked at me would be able to see what I’d been doing with Sean.

“Are you ready to go home?” he asked. “Or, do you want to drive around some more?”

“Let’s drive. I don’t want to go home,” I replied.

He switched on the radio to smooth over
the awkward silence that settled between us. I wondered how we could continue to be friends after what had happened. Would he think I was his girlfriend? Would he approach me in the hallways at school and try to kiss me? My cheeks burned with humiliation at the thought.

When we pulled into his driveway an hour later, he grasped my hand and said, “Please don’t be sorry. Please don’t regret what happened.” I tried to harden my heart against the note of begging
that crept into his voice. 

“
I don’t,” I lied. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I sprang from the truck before he could try to kiss me again.         

When I climbed into bed later, my legs trembled when I thought about how far I’d let him go, how easily I gave into him. My father had been right all along
—Sean was dangerous. At the thought of my father and Sean and the things I’d allowed him to do to me, I leapt out of bed and raced to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach.

C
hapter 4- Sean

And to a place I come where nothing shines

(Canto IV, line 151)

I couldn’t believe Alex let me touch her like that. I’d expected her to push me away the moment I tried to kiss her, but she didn’t.
After she went inside, I sat in my truck for five minutes waiting for the tension to leave my body and for the physical evidence of my desire for Alex to fade.

My mom wanted me to do
a verbal reenactment of the dance before she would let me go to bed. Obviously, I had to make a lot of stuff up. I couldn’t very well tell her about the incident with Darren, or about how I’d touched a woman’s breast for the first time. 

When
I logged on to my computer, I saw my fortress had once again been sacked, but for once, I decided it didn’t matter. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t care about the game. Alex took front and center in my thoughts. Lying stiffly under the covers, I thought about everything that had happened in my truck and shivered as the memories washed over me. I decided I wouldn’t remain a virgin much longer. 

T
he moment I woke up the next day, I called Alex. She seemed hesitant to talk to me, but I figured she was just embarrassed about what happened. She had a lot of issues, so I knew I would have to take it slow with her. It couldn’t have been easy for her to let me see the top part of her naked. I desperately wanted to see the rest, though. I racked my brains, trying to remember every conversation I’d ever overheard between the guys at my school. Some tips on how to win a girl’s affections would be helpful, but the few friends I had were as socially inept as I, and none of them had ever had a girlfriend. 

On Monday morning, Alex met me in my driveway, same as always. Her cheeks were bright red when she looked at me. I tried to smile reassuringly.
What should I say to her? Should I address the issue or just carry on as if nothing had happened? I was never good at small talk, and with Alex, it had not been a required part of our friendship.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” she replied. We were social geniuses, the two of us. I could hardly look at her without thinking about her breasts, so I concentrated on the road. She sat as far away from me as possible—a bad omen, indeed. Depression hit me full force and I regretted that I’d stopped taking my meds.

When I pulled into my parking space, I willed her to look at me. She seemed bewildered when I asked, “Did you change your mind about us?”

She stammered for a moment before saying, “I’m just super embarrassed, Sean. It’s hard for me to look at you, or for you to look at me. Can we talk after school?”

“Sure,” I said. I patted her hand gently, and to my relief, she didn’t jerk it away from me. I thought about her all day. I even stayed awake for the most part.

Alex had tears in her eyes when we met after school. I figured she must have had a bad day. She allowed me to hug her in the parking lot before I helped her into my truck. “What happened?” I asked as we drove away.

“Nothing. People just said a bunch of shit, that’s all,” she replied tearfully.

“About me?” I asked, saddened by the idea that our association had caused her any pain.

“A little. Darren. You know how he is
.”

“You want me to kick his ass?”

“No. He’s not worth it,” she said, sniffling. She sat a little closer to me than she had that morning and she allowed me to hold her hand.

“You want to come over to my house for a while?”
I asked. She nodded.

When we got to my house, she offered to help me make something to eat. A
s she moved around the kitchen, I drank in every move she made, feeling turned on even as she opened the microwave to take out a plate of heated up chicken nuggets. We sat down at the table and she stubbornly avoided my questioning looks.

“Are you embarrassed to be with me?” I asked.
The expression on her face told me that she was.

“It’s not you. I
t’s everything. Sometimes it’s hard to even exist,” she admitted. Wow. Alex was as broken as I was—she just hid it better. 

“I know what you mean,” I said. But, I didn’t. I’d come to terms with my life long ago, at least for the most part. I was who I was. I wasn’t interesting, athletic, or good-looking, but hell
—most people weren’t.