The Fifth Circle (29 page)

“It gets on my last freaking nerve when she does that spinning and twirling. Seriously, I feel like I’m gonna have a seizure,” Amanda said. Callie began to cry, so her mom grabbed a chocolate cookie from an open package on the counter and shoved it at her. Callie grabbed it with her chubby hand and skipped out of the kitchen.

I felt sorry for the little girl. Her spinning didn’t bother me
. It was cute. Maybe Amanda didn’t notice the look of hurt on her daughter’s face when she screamed at her. But, Callie wasn’t my kid and it was none of my business. I’d probably have a few cranky moments when my baby was born.

“I should go,” I said. “I have to pick my mom up from work at five. Thanks for the phone numbers and everything.”

“Yeah, no problem. Like I said, call them soon so you can get on the waiting list. If you can use your mom’s car tomorrow, give me a call. We’ll go to lunch or something if you want. I’ll buy.”

“Okay,” I said, grabbing my purse and heading out the door. Amanda always seemed to have money for fast food, a toy for Callie, a pack of cigarettes. I wasn’t sure if I approved of the way she parented, but I sure could learn from her. Before I shut the door behind me, I agreed to call her the next day. It was good to have a friend.

***

Claire called me that evening. It was the first time we’d spoken since I told her about the baby. Her disapproval weighed on our already strained relationship. She didn’t even come home after finals, but chose to stay in Columbia instead. She claimed she didn’t want to give up her job, but I thought she just couldn’t stand to stay in the house that held such bad memories.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. I began to list all my pregnancy complaints, but she cut me short. “I wanted to ask you something. It’s important.”

“What’s going on?”

“I
got my own apartment,” she said. “I think you should move in with me.”

“What about the baby?” I asked.

“He’ll have to get his own place. No, seriously, Alex. I’ll help with the baby. If you move in now, you’ll already be settled and you can start classes in January. We’ll work out our schedule so I can help you with childcare.”

Oh, God. Childcare. Every time I even thought about that, I shuddered. The expense, the packing up bottles and diapers every day…”

“I don’t know. I thought I’d go to Saint Louis Community College for a couple of years until the baby is a little older.”

“You really want to stay in S
aint Edmunds where everyone will stare at you and think about what happened? You might not care if people whisper behind your back, but what about your kid?”

“Mom said she might sell the house and move to Cape with Aunt Becky.”

“Mom says a lot of things. She won’t sell until the house is practically foreclosed on. She never makes major decisions—she never learned how.”

“She says…”

“Alex, don’t be mom. Don’t waste your life away. If you sit around Saint Edmunds waiting for things to get better, you’ll never do anything with your life. Come to Columbia with me.”

The most significant event of my life was the day I
decided to move to Columbia…

Ever since the day of my Senior English final, I continued to try out
this phrase in my mind. It was sort of like auditioning new ideas before I acted on them. The notion never really took root, so I told Claire I’d think about it after the baby was born. She sounded pissed off when she hung up.

Why did Claire think she could tell everyone else what to do? Why couldn’t she understand I was pregnant and limited in what I could do? I couldn’t get a job, or go to college, or lead a normal life. My life was on hold until the baby was born and after that, I would still be limited. She wasn’t pregnant, so she had no clue. Mom understood. She pampered me and took care of me and felt sorry for me. She didn’t expect me to do anything—not right now.

Amanda knew how hard it was to be pregnant. She said I wouldn’t really feel like working after the baby was born, and with childcare expenses being so high, it wasn’t even worth getting a job.

Claire just didn’t get it, but it wasn’t her fault
. She’d never been in my position. I thought about calling her and trying to patch things up, but I was too tired. Too tired to think about the promise I’d made to Susan, or to worry about Sean, or to think about that fact that I’d made the initial steps toward condemning myself to a nothing life.

***

“Thank you so much for doing this,” Susan said when I met her outside the jail.

My mom had no idea where I was
. She thought I went to hang out with Amanda. “I’m happy to do it. I should have come before, but I….I don’t know. I’m just glad I’m here now.”

Susan showed me where to go and how to check in. We waited in a room with a bunch of other visitors before the corrections officer finally led us to a long corridor. It was just like on TV—a long, screened divider separated the visitor
s from the incarcerated. We took our assigned booth and waited for Sean.

When I caught my first glimpse of him, I began to shake all over. I could see his mouth moving, but couldn’t hear what he said. His face spread into a huge smile as he slid behind his chair. We picked up the receiver of the two-way phone at the same time.

“Oh my God, Alex, I’m so glad to see you. I was so afraid you’d change your mind.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t come before.”

“It’s okay. Mom, thank you for bringing her. Thank you, thank you.”

Susan just smiled.

“How are you feeling, Alex? How’s the baby? Did you go to the doctor?”

“We’re both fine. I got on Medicaid, so yeah, I went to the doctor. I’m driving now
.”

“Really?” His face clouded over for a second, but it quickly smoothed over when he said, “That’s good. I guess you’ll need to drive the baby around and stuff. God, I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” I missed the old Sean—the Sean I’d been friends with.

“Did Mom tell you what the lawyer said? That I might be getting out in seven years?” I nodded and he continued. “
Will you wait for me? I still want us to be together.”

I hesitated for
just a moment before answering. Would I wait for Sean? My life was already on hold because of the baby. Did waiting mean sitting in my house with my mom for seven years? Or, did he just want me to avoid other men until he could reclaim me? No one would want me anyways. I was damaged goods—the daughter of a child molester, girlfriend of a killer, an all-around loser.

“I’ll wait,” I promised.
Seven years was a long time—too long to really be able to wrap my mind around.

“So, what have you been doing?” he asked.

“Nothing. Just staying home. My mom said I didn’t have to work or anything until after the baby is born.” I chose not to tell him about taking my finals, or meeting Amanda, or Claire’s offer to let me move in with her. Nor did I mention the possible move to Cape Girardeau. He already had enough to worry about.

“Good. You need your rest.” He seemed satisfied by my inactivity.
His eyes scanned me and settled on my hand. “Where’s your ring?”

“My hands are swollen—from the pregnancy. It’s normal,” I stammered, hoping he’d believe me. I hadn’t even considered wearing it. My answer seemed to satisfy Sean, because his expression relaxed.

Sean, his mother, and I chatted until it was time for us to leave. I promised Sean I’d come back to see him and he told me he loved me. It felt like a weight had fallen off my shoulders. Visiting him wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought it would be. I’d continue to visit when I could, and once he was transferred to a regular prison, Susan and I would make the trip to see him.

Amanda was right
—visiting someone in jail was no big deal. In a way, it was sort of romantic—not the jail, but the situation. Sean killed my father to defend my honor, and I waited faithfully for his return while carrying our child inside me. When I gave birth, I would explain to our child how his father was a great hero, and how everything he did, he did for love.

C
hapter 30- Sean

So much the anguish had her mind distorted

(Canto XXX, line 21)

Alex’s visit did more than lift my spirits—it helped me save face. When I told everyone she was coming, I could tell some of the assholes didn’t believe me. Now everyone knew I was telling the truth—I had a hot girl and she was pregnant with my baby.

“Man, what’s a girl like that doin’ with a crazy motherfucker like you?” Ty’Reese asked, slapping me on the back.

“We’ll see how long it lasts after they haul you
r ass to prison,” Kirk the killjoy said. “Girl like that ain’t gonna wait for you.”

“Yeah she will. We’re having a baby,” I said.

“She might have three more baby-daddy by the time you get out,” he said.

I lunged toward him, but Ty’Reese held me back. “Don’t listen to that sorry-ass son of a bitch. He just jealous cause he ain’t never got nothing.”

“Whatever,” I said, glaring at Kirk.

“Man, don’t be starting shit, or you’ll end up in solitary and your girl ain’t gonna have no one to visit in two weeks.”

“You’re right. My lawyer said I had to behave myself if I wanted to be up for parole in seven years.”

“That’s right, Sean. That’s right.”

Ty’Reese was the best friend I’d ever had, well besides Alex. Cole and I were friends, but only because of Tales of Andrometis. He barely even cared when I went to the mental hospital. When I freaked out over shit, he just checked out emotionally. Ty’Reese didn’t sugarcoat things—he told me the truth even if it pissed me off. No one ever did that before—not even my mom.

My mom had always told me what I wanted to hear. She bowed to my anger and tried to give me whatever I wanted so I’d stop freaking out. The
angrier I was, the more accommodating she became. She thought she was helping me, but she wasn’t. Even after the hospitalization, she still refused to set real limits. She took the computer out of my room, but only because the doctor told her to. When I asked her if I could have it back, she told me she didn’t want to have to explain to the doctor why she didn’t follow his rules.

Alex never stood up to me either. In a way, that was a good thing. It meant she loved me and recognized my authority as her future husband. It also meant I
could never be certain if she followed my lead because she agreed with me, or because she was afraid of me.

Ty’Reese was cool. I was gonna miss him when I got transferred to prison. I’d miss my visits with Alex
too. I made a mental note to ask my mom to move closer to the prison once I found out where I was being sent. I had to make sure Alex was close by because the physical distance might lead to an emotional distance between us. I couldn’t bear for that to happen.

***

The next visitation day took an ugly turn. Alex showed up, so it started out okay. Then my mom had to open her big mouth.

“I think Alex should start college after the baby is born. She’s too smart not to get an education.”

“What about the baby?” I asked.

“I can help her with the baby if she takes night classes. Her mom will help too, I’m sure.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to go,” I said, staring at Alex.

“Um…” she stammered.

“You should get your GED, honey. It will help you get a job when you get out.”

Wait! Rewind. Who cares about a GED
? What was all this about Alex going to college? Sure, in theory, it sounded great, but in reality, it meant Alex would be away from home meeting a bunch of college boys while I sat in prison and rotted away.

“I don’t know about college,” I said. “A baby should be with his mother, not dumped with relatives.”

“It would be the same if she’s working,” my mom said. “Either way, she’ll have to leave the baby with someone. I’m just offering to help.”

Who said anything about working? Alex didn’t need to work. She
could hang out with her mom until I got out of prison and could take care of her.

“
Alex, you should look into getting your GED so you can take some college classes,” my mom said.

“Well, actually…” Alex started to say.

“I don’t think she should do anything that causes her any stress. It’s bad for the baby. She can worry about getting a GED later. Right, Alex?”

“Um…”

Just like that, visiting hours were over. The day was ruined. I blamed my mom for messing up my visit with Alex. What if her stupid lecture about the value of an education planted a seed in Alex’s mind? She’d always been smart—too smart for her own good. Without me around to rein her in, who knew what she’d do?

My previous elation at having Alex back in my life was gone. I could feel her slipping away from me. Just like our freshman year of high
school when she started taking the advanced classes, I was left to make my own way with the ordinary kids. When she began to pull away from me to hang out with the choir nerds, she left me to make my own life in the perilous world of online games.