The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure (52 page)

You don’t see many women like me in porn (or in mainstream media, for that matter). We are not entirely invisible, but, like other underrepresented identities, we’ve been confined to the mostly fetishized sub-genre of BBW (Big Beautiful Women) porn. BBW was coined in 1979 by Carole Shaw when she launched
BBW
magazine, a fashion and lifestyle magazine for plus-sized women.
¹
Although BBW was adopted mainly by folks used to self-identify or declare their admiration for plus-sized women (as in personal ads on the Internet), it is now a widely used umbrella term that may have different connotations depending on the context. The adult industry uses it to describe porn that features bigger women. Some BBW porn is rooted in a celebration of our sexiness from adoration to explicitly fetishizing our size. But too much of it crosses into not so thinly veiled degradation and shame: titles like
Cash for Chunkers, All Ass No Face, Double Dipped Fatties,
and
Fat Cocksucking Whores
are meant to cast us as sexual freaks to be ogled and laughed at. And it’s implied that viewers who like to watch us are freaks, too.

Although people describe me as a BBW performer, and I embrace the description as a kind of shorthand that industry folks understand, I don’t perform in traditional BBW porn. Instead, I collaborate with my husband, as well as other directors whom I select carefully, and work on only the projects I want to. It’s important for me to appear as a BBW performer in films that are not marketed as BBW movies. I want to leave behind a body of work that demonstrates my commitment to representing curvier women in a positive light, challenging society’s norms of what is considered desirable, beautiful, and attractive. I know my performances strike a nerve in people, and I am pleased when they do. If
people don’t like the image of a plus-sized woman enjoying her sexual self, my wish is that they ask themselves: Why? What about this turns you off?

I am a fat woman in control of her sexuality. I have worked hard on building my confidence over time; I want to inspire other women to do the same. We can be sexual, confident, and happy; this is my message.

I don’t fit the stereotype of a typical porn performer in other ways as well. I’m not blond, tanned, or surgically altered. I am a fat Latina with pale skin, tattoos, and fire-engine-red hair. While I am not white, I’m sometimes read as white by others. Because I don’t “look Latina” by porn’s narrow standards, I’m not cast in “ethnic porn”—another fetishized sub-genre. “Ethnic porn” caters to a narrow-minded, misguided representation of minorities. By not participating in that type of porn, and focusing on a more nuanced identity, I hope to offer another view of who a Latina is.

I am an exhibitionist; I get a thrill from being watched. I have felt this way from an early age. I remember in my early high school days, I used to open the shades in my room just enough for the gardener to catch a glimpse of me getting dressed for school. Ever since then, the thought of being watched and desired has always turned me on, so I love performing for the camera and an audience. Perhaps it’s the power I feel when I can evoke desire in someone. Just as I did after that very first photo shoot with Carlos, I feel empowered and euphoric after every shoot.

I feel very lucky that I have had the chance to explore and expand my own sexuality through my work in pornography. I have lived out my own fantasies by having sex on a stage with an audience watching me, and participating in a scene in the middle of the forest in front of a huge waterfall. I’ve been able to experience many scenarios—group sex, dominance and submission, sex with other women and transgender men and women. These opportunities have led me from identifying as a straight woman to understanding that my sexuality is fluid and not dictated by the gender of my partner. These powerful, consensual experiences took place in safe, controlled environments, and everything was fully discussed before the shoots.

Most often, I collaborate with Carlos. Our work is an ongoing statement of the change we would like to see in pornography. For example, we focus on casting a diverse range of performers encompassing various body types and ethnicities.

My work in pornography is not my primary form of income (I am a makeup artist, photographer, nonporn model), so I can pick and choose the projects I work on. I consider a lot of factors before I take a job: the
director, my fellow performer(s), the type of movie or project, and how much I will be paid. I have turned down many projects that I felt would not represent larger women favorably. I try hard to stay true to my goal of representing empowered, curvy women. But despite my best efforts, sometimes footage that I have previously shot for one movie ends up in another and I have no control over it. In one instance, my image was used for a movie I would never have agreed to be in. It was upsetting, but it is the reality of what can happen once you sign a release. I am fortunate because nearly all of the projects I have worked on have been with friends and people I admire. When I work with friends, we develop a rhythm and I can really understand the performance they want from me. When they push me as a performer, they also convey their trust that I’ll be able to embody their vision, which helps me grow as an artist. It is a true collaborative effort.

In 2009,
Adult Video News (AVN),
the mainstream industry’s trade magazine, published an article that called BBW performers “heifers” and said that BBW films were “allowing those too embarrassed to actually be seen with fat chicks the opportunity to jerk off to them in the privacy of their homes.”
²
I wrote a response to the article and vented my frustrations with the writer’s blatant disrespect for not only larger women but women in general. My response, which appeared on my blog, received a lot of attention and support, and
AVN
was bombarded with phone calls and letters from people who were just as outraged as I was.
³
I had no idea that my blog would receive such a tidal wave of support from women of all sizes and men who adore plus-sized women. The massive reaction made it clear to
AVN
that there are plenty of people who think bigger girls are hot. Eight months later, I became the first BBW to appear on the cover of AVN.

I am also the first BBW to have a sex toy cast from my vagina. This fact gets mixed reactions. Some people see it as the ultimate form of objectification. I think the creation and success of the toy shows fans and companies that plenty of people desire plus-sized women, and that there is a valid market for products representing a broader spectrum of body types.

By far, the most rewarding part of my work has been the feedback I have received from women, men, and couples who find larger bodies attractive. Other plus-sized women tell me that my work has helped them to view themselves in a more positive light, allowing them to feel just as sexy as women half their size. One woman said that she was rarely intimate with her partner because she felt ugly and undesirable, but, after discovering my work, she was able to view herself differently. Many of
my female fans have never seen any of my movies. I think that just seeing an image of someone who looks like them, and embodies a positive sexual energy, does a lot to shift how women feel about themselves inside.

I hope to continue to produce work that I am proud of and that challenges me as a person, subject, and artist. To me, there are few more genuine or powerful forms of self-expression than a woman performing sex for others to watch. It is the ultimate statement of empowerment: a woman in control of what she wants to do with her own body, on her own terms. I believe exposing yourself on that level takes bravery and strength. We are exposing not only our naked bodies, but also our vulnerability and strength. We are expressing that we enjoy sex and that we are in control of our sexuality.

I now know that confidence and a positive outlook play a much more important role in attraction than the size of your body. My mission is to help other women understand that, too.

Notes

1
. “BBW Past and Present,”
BBW Magazine,
accessed February 25, 2012,
http://bbwmagazine.com/pastandpresent_3.htm
.

2
. Nelson X, “The $500 Stocking Guide: Fattening Up Sales,”
Adult Video News,
April 2009, 82. Also online: accessed February 25, 2012,
http://www.mydigitalpublication.com/publication/index.php?i=14336&m=&l=&p=96&pre=&ver=swf
.

3
. April Flores a.k.a. Fatty D, “Heifers, Bovines, and Baconators,”
FattyD.com
, July 4, 2009,
http://fattyd.com/blog/2009/04/07/heifers-bovines-and-baconators/
.

The Power of My Vagina

BUCK ANGEL

Buck Angel
was born female and survived a tumultuous and anguished youth to become the successful self-made man he is today. Parlaying the self-esteem and confidence he garnered through his sex change, he made history as the world’s first female-to-male transsexual (FTM) porn star. In 2007, he became the first FTM to win the prestigious Transsexual Performer of the Year Award from AVN. Buck Angel is also a groundbreaking filmmaker who has produced a series of public service announcements on seldom discussed topics, and a unique pair of documentaries about trans mens’ sexualities, one for the mainstream, and the other for an adult audience. He’s an entrepreneur who has gone from pioneering a new adult-industry niche, FTM porn, to appearing in mainstream media. More recently, he’s become a motivational speaker, educating people about sexuality and gender, with a universal message of learning to love one’s self.

M
y name is Buck Angel. I am a man. I have a vagina and I work in the sex industry.

From the moment we’re born, our culture tells us that genitals determine gender and not all genitals are created equal: we are taught that having a vagina makes you weak. Many women grow up feeling like it is not okay to be sexually at peace with their vaginas. I certainly felt that way for many years. I had a very hard time with my vagina; I could not touch it or really look at it. I was ashamed of it—not so much because I was “female,” but more because I didn’t like my vagina. It made me feel like I was less of a man.

Through my sex change and the use of testosterone, I became more sexually aware and my body became more sensitive. I felt compelled to explore my body in ways I hadn’t before I transitioned from female to male. Then, one day while masturbating, I just slipped my fingers inside myself. What a powerful feeling to be able to have an orgasm with a part of my body I had never fully experienced before. Eventually, I became
comfortable engaging in penetration with a partner. I became so excited and positive about my vagina that I decided I wanted to share it with everyone!

I couldn’t find any role models of guys like me in the porn world, so I decided to step up to the plate myself. When I first started my work in the adult industry, I wanted to represent myself as a transsexual man who was sexual and confident. I wanted to show that I could enjoy my vagina as a man, and that I didn’t have to feel ashamed or disgusted. Porn isn’t afraid of showing you everything, and I wasn’t going to be either.

But when I first began, I had no idea that my work would ignite such a firestorm of controversy. The negativity and hate that my porn unleashed was primarily from biological men, I think perhaps because they are so attached to the idea that “the penis makes the man.” But some women and trans men also spewed hate and venom at me. Some said that sexually explicit films are degrading, especially toward women. Plenty of trans men were horrified that I showed the world that there are men like me out there. They were concerned that I was trying to represent all trans men, and make everyone think that all trans men enjoy their vaginas and use them in the same way.

My intention was only to represent myself, and to show that I took pride in myself and my vagina—to demonstrate that I wasn’t any less of a man because I enjoy being penetrated (by both men and women). To be able to experience sexual gratification from my vagina on film has been hugely liberating and empowering. It has provided me with even more self-confidence, along with a great deal of pleasure.

Some trans guys contacted me to thank me. Before seeing my porn, they didn’t feel comfortable with their bodies, and they thought they would have to get a penis to be a “complete man.” Many of these guys denied themselves sex because they were unable to enjoy the bodies that they—and the majority of trans men—have. (The surgery to create a penis is very expensive, risky, often unsuccessful, and, in my opinion, lacking in aesthetics and function.) They saw me as a man, having sex, using my vagina, and receiving great pleasure.