The F#ck It List: The Complete Story (21 page)
Read The F#ck It List: The Complete Story Online
Authors: Rae Lynn Blaise
“I think it’s time for David to rest now.” A nurse pops her head in just before I totally lose it.
“It was real nice talking to you, David.” I fist bump him, voice warbling, and then hurry out of the room.
I don’t bother looking for Ally, just hurry down the hallway, biting my lip, dying for an exit. I find a stairwell at the end of the wall and burst through it, gasping for air. I’ve got to hold all my shit together, but it’s impossible with the visions plaguing me.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair that kids have to go through this, to carry all these big dreams and know, or not know, that they’re never going to happen. David should have a long, full life ahead of him. He should be able to run and bunt and bat and win over his own Rebecca Evans because he’s got a heart of gold and an entire life before him. But he’s not going to get any of that because this terrible disease is going to kill it all before he even gets the chance.
“Kemper?” A soft voice says behind me. Ally touches my shoulder, but I shrug her away and follow the stairs down as far as I can go, until all the sounds of the hospital disappear. She’s right behind me. “Want to talk about it?”
I shake my head and pace, fighting to keep the emotions at bay within me. I can’t cry. I can’t scream. It’s going to do no good for David, it did no good for my mom, it’s no good for anyone. It’s pointless, stupid emotions threatening to wipe me out. I have to get my shit together.
“It’s okay. It’s okay to feel these things.”
“Feeling these things does nothing.”
“Feeling these things means you’re human. It means you have a heart and compassion.”
“Compassion isn’t going to make David better.”
“No, but it’s going to make him happy. Sometimes that’s more important.”
“How do you do this?” I turn to her. Her face is so sweet, so kind, so open. She can handle it, this beautiful young thing, and I’m a goddamn mess. “How do you see these kids and know there isn’t anything you can do for them?”
“A smile, a laugh, a hug can be just as important as the most effective medication. Giving these kids something to fight for is just as important. I love these kids and I want to give them whatever happiness I can while I can. And that’s exactly what you did up there. Did you see how happy he was when you walked in? How delighted he was someone wanted to talk to him, that
you
wanted to talk to him?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I press my hands against my temples to stop the memories from clouding my eyes. “It won’t change anything.”
Ally puts her hands on my shoulders and whispers, “Hope can be the most powerful thing in the world.”
“But it—“
She cuts me off with the sudden, soft touch of her lips. I freeze, unsure if what I think is happening is really happening, but after a deep breath and what feels like a million years, she parts my lips with her tongue, slipping it inside my mouth, and god help me, I kiss her back. I take all of the pent up frustration and hurt and turn it to her, pinning her against the wall, exploring her unbelievably sweet mouth with my own tongue.
My mind screams
Stop! Red alert! Remove your hands from the woman!
But my hands are roaming up down her ass, up her spine, back down to her thighs again, and there’s nothing in the world I want more than kissing her like this. It feels like too much—I know it is—but almost as if she reads my mind, she lifts one of her legs and twines it around me, giving me an even better grip on her ass. She lets out a sigh like a tiny moan and kisses my temples, my cheeks, my eyes. I grab her hair and press her to me, trying to capture all of her essence with my body, something to drown out the anguish pumping through me. I pull back and begin kissing her throat, drinking in her smells like a starving man.
“Your very presence is healing,” she whispers in my ear and it tears through me. We’re under the very bottom level of steps, hidden from view above. I pull her a step away from the wall, my hands still gripping her ass, and she quickly takes my cue and sinks to her knees on the floor. I gently push her backwards, burying my chest between her bent knees as I kiss over the top of her shirt, across the paper badge plastered on her breast—
Ally H Ally H Ally H
my mind moans—down to her skirt, careful to keep my rock-hard erection away from her. I tell myself that this is just kissing. I tell myself I’m not doing anything
so
terrible. I know that if I let her rocking hips anywhere near mine, that it’s going to be only moments before I’m begging her to fuck me right here in this stairwell. Instead, I find my mouth watering as I kiss down towards her hips, a craving washing over me.
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relocated to Denver. Tattooed connoisseur of smut. Compulsive writer of any sexy idea that drifts through my mind. Hurricanes and hot guys and crazy mountain hikes always welcome. Like to win things?
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