The Fashionista Files (17 page)

HOW TO HANDLE BUYER’S REMORSE IN STYLE

Give the object of your nonaffection to a friend who will love it—and wear it.

Turn it into art. Frame it in Lucite with a plaque that marks the date it was purchased or something tongue-in-cheek like “Momentary lapse of reason, November 2001.”

Have a theme party where everyone has to come dressed in something they bought and never wore.

Use the fabric and turn it into a pillow (calling in a professional will probably be necessary).

Bring it to a wonderful tailor, capable of reincarnating it into something exciting and new (pants can become miniskirts or shorts; blouses, halters; sweaters, shrugs or leg warmers; A-line, pencil-shaped skirts; coats, vests or bolero jackets; a long dress, a top or a cowl neck to accessorize a simple top).

SAMPLE SALES ! SAMPLE THE FUN, SAMPLE THE FRENZY

That’s My Handbag, Bitch!
KAREN AND MEL

It’s six A.M. We’re sitting in a dark hallway in front of a door, watching the time tick by. Only three more hours until we’re allowed inside the discount den of heaven—the Chanel sample sale! It is an invitation-only event. Forget about museum balls, film premieres, fancy restaurant openings, this is the one happening that no one in the fashion industry misses. Inside these very doors lie Karl Lagerfeld’s fanciful creations, from shrunken tweed jackets and chiffon tops to outrageous gowns, Coco-style suits, and—oh, my God!—handbags, handbags, handbags for practically nothing. Shoes for $50, dresses that were $3,000 for $200, and $99 accessories. It is insane.

We’re not even first in line. Armed with coffee, carb-free breakfast, gossip columns,
WWD,
and cell phones, these people have been here since five A.M. Maybe earlier. “I hope they have that black rocker chain-mail bag. I’ve been dying for it,” we overhear one woman say. Judging by the look of the crowd—austere fashion girls, stylists, editors, and socialites with perfectly ironed straight hair, sky-high heels, oversize sunglasses hiding the bags that we’re sure lurk under their Creme de la Mer–moisturized eyes, and long, lean (yoga-toned) arms—we’ve got quite a battle ahead of us.

The line piles up (wraps around the corner, rather) as the clock gets closer to nine. We can feel the sense of urgency and anxiety building. Once inside, it’s a no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners grabfest. It’s like the first time Charlie, Viola, Veruca, and TV Mike were let loose inside the Chocolate Factory and allowed to freely drink from the milk-chocolate stream, pick oversize Gummi Bears off trees, and feast on all the confectionary delights at their fingertips. At a sample sale, everything is so temptingly deliciously enticing, you just want, want, want, even if it doesn’t fit.

The click of a door unlocking is heard. The gates open. A woman with a snappy attitude (and fabulous eyelashes) checks names off the list. The space is a giant dream closet. Racks full of immaculate twinsets, puckered leather skirts, and sheer tops bedecked with sequins are arranged by size. Tables are covered with quilted bags in every color, shape, and size imaginable, floral pins, pearl necklaces, chain belts. And armies of women are running loose, snagging things right and left. Prices are so low, you’d think the mighty Karl himself was giving everything away.

“Are you taking those? If not, do you mind if I try them on?” one woman asks Mel, who’s holding satin ballet stilettos that lace up the calf. “Yes,” Mel snaps, “they’re mine,” knowing full well she won’t even be able to walk in them, they’re so high. We don’t even really look at what we’re taking. And it doesn’t really matter—it’s all Chanel! Besides, we hardly have any room to fully examine the specimens before us. It’s so damn crowded, we can’t walk a straight line without knocking someone over. Women are pawing the handbag buffet as if they were at one of those all-night $5 food spreads in Vegas. And others are leaving the checkout counter with six, seven, eight large brown paper shopping bags, each overflowing with grade-A, prime designer filet mignon.

Karen’s phone rings. It’s Mel from across the room. She’s standing near the dresses and commands, “Come to this section . . . you will die.” Karen scoops up some ribbed sweaters, a pair of hot pants (?), some graphic-print blousy silk tops, and something with feathers on it, and makes a mad dash for the dress section, where Mel is triumphantly holding a crazy, sexy black ruched dress. “It’s so you,” Mel shrieks.

“Oh, my God! Divine,” Karen says. “It’s so coming home with me!”

In the corner, two women look like they’re arguing over a strapless lace dress (“I saw it first. . . .” “No, I did. . . .”). And the racks are getting thinner and thinner by the minute. It’s not even ten A.M. and half the stock is gone.

In the end, we each wind up with five extraordinary pieces for ourselves, wallets and makeup bags for our moms, and a few ridiculous patent-leather flower pins we’re pretty sure we’ll never really wear. All for under the cost of what one tiny thing would have been if it were retail. Our shopping bags are not as full as we had hoped they’d be, but some things look better on the hanger (or on women who are much taller and thinner). It was sad leaving such beauty behind. But we relished our achievements, nonetheless. And the fact that neither of us suffered any bruises, battles, or black eyes.

SAMPLE SALE SURVIVAL SKILLS

Arrive early. Very early. We’re talking, plop down on the floor and camp out hours in advance. It’s no different from sleeping in front of Ticketron overnight for U2 tickets. It’s the only way to ensure the best selection, before it’s all picked over.

Don’t stop to engage in idle chitchat. The rules: First come, first served; shop now, be friendly later.

Embrace the “elbow shove,” a shopping style that involves jutting out the elbows to the side while rummaging through racks, making it impossible for anyone to invade your personal space.

Strength-train. You may wind up in a ferocious game of tug-of-war. Biceps will be your saving grace. Remember these wise words: All is fair in love and fashion.

Grab whatever you think you might want. There is no time for hesitation and taking a moment to think about things in the midst of the frenzy. It’s best to stake your claim right away, and after you have everything in your possession, you can make an educated choice.

Wear something that will allow you to try things on without getting undressed: a skirt (you can put pants on under it) and tank top (nothing bulky so you can put something on over it).

SNIP, TEAR, AND WEAR

Lessons from the Master
KAREN AND MELISSA

Try as we might, our technical scissoring is not up to fashionista par. We both envy the girls who have the perfect T-shirts that are slashed just right. Our homemade V-necks and tank tops have ended in disaster—and the garbage—more often than not. So we brought in the big guns, designer Elisa Jimenez, a New York icon who has made slinky goddess dresses for Marisa Tomei and Sarah Jessica Parker with nothing more than a pair of scissors and swaths of fabric. We have both been to parties in constricting T-shirts in the past and bumped into Elisa, who has promptly taken us to the bathroom, whipped out scissors from her bag, and with a few hand movements, manifested sexy tops that hang off the shoulder, droop down the back, and tie around the neck. It’s something she’s been doing her entire life. She was the cool girl in school who never had to buy anything new because she could always make something fresh out of nothing. We sat down with her in order to perfect our cutting skills. A few hours later, we successfully walked away with lattice lace-up-the-side crewnecks, T-shirt jackets, cowl-neck tops, baby shrugs, and a newfound confidence about Galliano-izing our lives. Here’s what we did.

How to Do It Elisa-style
T-SHIRT INTO HALTER TOP

Lay T-shirt flat on the floor and fold it in half, vertically, so the armpits are on top of each other evenly. Pull the back out flat.

Remove sleeves by cutting a U-shape that begins a few inches under the neckline and travels closely under the armpit seams. The cut should be through both sides of the shirt.

Create an oval-like shape through the folded T-shirt three inches below the U-shape you just made. This will eventually be the sides of your halter top.

Unfold the shirt.

Cut a hole just under the neckline seam on the side that would normally hit the center of the right side of your neck.

Continue to cut the neckline off moving toward the back of the T-shirt and stop at the point that would hit the center of the left side of your neck.

When you have a full circle of the neckline (the front half of which remains intact and attached to the front of the T-shirt), snip the back so it can be used as ties for around your neck.

If you want to crop the top, cut it shorter above the bottom seam.

Note: If you want to draw on the T-shirt before you start cutting, put your feet through the bottom of the T-shirt and open your knees in order to stretch out the fabric as if it were a canvas.

T-SHIRT TO SIDE LATTICE TOP

Fold T-shirt in half on the vertical edge (the long way).

Make sassy cap sleeves by cutting diagonally from the bottom of the armpit seam to the top right corner of the short sleeve.

Make two parallel cuts along the long edge of the side of the T-shirt where the arm is. The first cut should be one to two inches from the side, and the second an inch or two next to it. And both cuts should start at the level of the armpit seam and go through the bottom of the tee. These long pieces—much like car-wash slits— will become the ties that will lace up the sides.

Make holes two inches apart from one another next to the
second vertical cut you just made. These will be the holes through which you will stitch the ties.

Follow Elisa’s step-by-step instructions to halter heaven!

Take the first tie next to the holes and weave it through each hole in a wrapping direction. The second tie should wrap through the holes in the opposite direction to create a crisscross braidlike effect.

Note: Remove the neckline if you want a more open neck. Or cut a plunging V for a V-neck. Make a square shape if that’s the look you’re going for. Or just make one cut down from the center of the neckline.

With our boring T-shirts and Elisa Jiminez, our fab teacher!

Karen’s cool T-shirt with shrug, and Mel’s sexy halter top!

T-SHIRT TO JACKET

Cut a T-shirt down the front from the center of the neckline through the bottom.

Follow the instructions to create a sexy side-lattice top for maximum peekaboo impact.

Shorten the T-shirt by lopping off a few inches from the bottom if you want it to be more cropped or raw-edged.

Two inches from the right and left of the center cut, which opens the T-shirt like a jacket, make slits from the bottom of the T-shirt three-quarters of the way up the top. These will become ties that hold the jacket closed like a button of a cardigan.

Tie a knot at the base of each tie so it doesn’t accidentally rip.

Trick out the sleeves if desired.

JEANS TO MINISKIRT

Fold jeans in half, vertically.

For the longest possible hem, cut along the lowest crotch part, angling down, and moving sideways toward the outer thigh.

Then trim the crotch part so it’s straight, as it will stick out into a point.

Note: Use jeans that are way too big on you. So do something with your ex’s favorite jeans, the pair he left at your house and keeps asking you for!

T-SHIRT TO COWL NECK

Make a cropped T-shirt with a cowl neck—a great layering piece over a tight turtleneck or long-sleeved tee. A quick style trick that takes no talent, as scissors are not involved.

Turn T-shirt upside down and put it on so that neck is around the rib cage area.

Insert hands in sleeves and let the fabric that was originally the bottom half of the shirt flow forward like a cowl neck.