The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (156 page)

when I am running,

my heart tied upon one foot,

ancient melancholy tied upon the other,

anxiously racing,

madly racing through lifetimes,

to find our brightened souls.

I see you in colors that don’t exist.

It is all that I see clearly.

and why I run.

—P. Matsumoto

1 in every 4 women
will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household. Boys who witness domestic violence are
twice as likely
to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults. Only approximately 1/4 of all physical assaults and 1/5 of all rapes are reported to the police.

Candace and Ryan’s story is simply one of example of how so many people live. Although both of them hid what they had suffered through, you don’t have to.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.799.SAFE

Visit
www.ncadv.org
to find more information and resources.

National Sexual Assault Hotline

1.800.656.HOPE

Visit
www.rainn.org
for more information and resources.

As this series comes to a close, I am taken back to the night I finally swallowed my doubts about writing a book, remembering the moment I turned to my husband and said, “I’m gonna do it.” He’s the one that, out of the blue, said I should write a book, and it took him time to finally convince me, but eventually he did. No amount of ‘thank you’s’ will ever be enough. I’m not even sure he realizes this gift he’s given me.

And so I start with him.

Thank you to my husband, who, through it all, has always seen the light within me. Seen the potential that lies beneath. Seen everything I’m not able to. Always believing and sacrificing to make sure I can act upon every opportunity that comes my way. It’s been a crazy year while I have been writing this series, and watching you take control of everything to allow me the time to write these stories has proven to me how lucky I truly am to have you by my side. And just as Candace views Ryan, I also see you in colors that don’t exist, because what we have together is a rarity. Don’t doubt for one second that I don’t see everything you have ever given me. I do.

Gina, what can I say? You have been my partner through it all. Being able to share this journey with you has been amazing. The time you have sacrificed for me is something that I can’t thank you enough for. You’ve been there from the beginning to the end, and I love you for loving Candace and Ryan as much as I do. For believing in their story and believing in me. For all the late night phone calls and texting. Encouraging me when I felt defeated. Guiding me to the end with your constant support. These books would not be what they are if it weren’t for you.

And to Lisa, my amazing editor and friend, you constantly push me to make my writing better. You are the queen of cuts, and with each book I resist you less and less. I love that we have been able to share this whole experience together. That you were always a part of it and in the passenger seat with me. It’s an amazing thing when you can share the discovery of a dream and passion with a friend. You were by my side when I felt so lost in life a couple years ago, and I love that you were by my side as I dug myself out and found this hidden talent. You’re a unfailing support, and I hope to create more and more wonderful stories with you!

Now my family. To my father and step-mother, having the two of you tell me how proud you are of me means more to me than you will ever know. It’s something that every child craves from a parent, and something that you have always given me. I’m one lucky girl to have such amazing parents. Cathy, to have you so invested in my writing is so much fun for me. Being able to sit around with you to plot and bounce ideas off of is the best. Thank you for your enthusiasm and unwavering support. Kelley and Traci, my sisters, thank your for taking the time to read my stories and for all of your encouraging words! And to my brothers, Josh and Quentin, thank you for not reading my books because I just don’t know how I feel about you reading my intimate scenes. Josh, you have been a great support even if you don’t know it. I love that you can be someone I can discuss my writing with and that you offer ways to strengthen my stories. Thank you for showing me around Seattle and Oregon and for being the one who took me to a place I never knew existed—Cannon Beach. You changed the direction of this story from the very moment I set foot onto Indian Beach. It might not be that significant of a moment for you, but it was for me and for my characters.

I want to thank all of my betas for putting in the hours to read and critique my manuscript. You guys do it all, from encouraging me when I get stressed to helping me promote. Your honesty and support has become something I have depended on through writing this series, and I am blessed to have had such an amazing group of women be on board with me.

Last but not least, to Candace, Ryan, Jase, and Mark, I know you aren’t real, but it feels like you are to me. It’s been an amazing journey getting to know you all. To live inside each of you for the time I was able to affected me in a way I never thought was possible. To learn and grow with each of you has been a true gift. I have spent the past year with the four of you, and it’s sad to say goodbye to your stories, but I thank you for giving them to me, because no matter how anyone else feels about these books, for me, you have given me the stories I have always wanted to read but could never find—until now.

BONUS MATERIAL

(Ryan Campbell’s POV)

7 years after the wedding

Pulling up to the loft, I hate that Candace’s car already here. She’s supposed to be at the studio, so the fact that she’s home makes my chest ache. I know what I’m about to walk into, and it kills me.

We’ve been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. Every month seems to be filled with stress and anxiety, wondering if this month will be the month Candace will get pregnant. The doctors say it’s not out of the norm for athletes to struggle with this. I’ve known that she’s always had irregular periods, sometimes going several months without one. She works her body so hard, has since the day I met her nearly eight years ago when she was still in college.

But it was a couple weeks ago when she finally tested positive. Fuck, her smile was incredible as she leapt into my arms, squealing with joy. I’ve never felt my heart beat like it did in that moment. And then last week, my heart beat in a completely different way when Candace woke up in the middle of the night bleeding. She curled up in my arms and cried, feeling like she failed and that somehow she was to blame. We learned the following day that what had happened was a chemical pregnancy—an early miscarriage. Life’s cruel joke of finally giving us a baby long enough to get excited and then ripping it away.

When I walk in, I can hear her cries from upstairs. I drop my things and rush up to find her muffling her sobs in her pillow. Without saying a word, I crawl in behind her and tuck her in my arms. Her tiny body heaves against mine, breaking away pieces of my heart of what could have been. A baby.
Our baby.

I’ve watched her with Jase and Mark’s daughter. They adopted Caroline a few months ago from birth. She’s only a tiny infant, but she’s become everything to us. We were beyond thrilled when they asked us to be her godparents. I’ve seen how Candace is with my nieces and nephews, but when I saw her holding Caroline, this tiny baby, I knew I wanted to give her that. Give her a baby of our own.

I’ll never forget coming home that night.

“I still can’t believe she is finally sleeping in that thing,” I laugh, amazed that Ana, our cat, is finally in her own bed and not ours.

Candace hops up into bed and teases, “See, aren’t you glad we never got rid of her bed?”

“Oh, I still wanna get rid of it. Trust me on that.”

Her furrowed brow makes me smile, and she smacks my arm when I can’t hide my evil grin. She still gets so worked up whenever I make the slightest jab at our cat. I laugh at her attempted abuse on me and then snatch her around the waist, playfully tossing her onto her back.

“You wanna get feisty?” I goad with a smile, and she puts on the most serious face she can muster up, saying, “Are you mocking me, Ryan?”

“Never. I want you to get feisty with me,” I tell her, and then go in quickly before she can respond, running my tongue up her neck and behind her ear and nipping her lobe between my teeth.

Her hands weave into my hair and fists it, moving me to her lips, which I take with mine. Her soft moans drive me to sink my tongue in her mouth, needing to taste what’s mine. She’s amazing, wrapping her legs
around me, locking me close to her.

Candace used to be so timid with sex and understandably so. We married quickly, only dating for a year before she became my wife. The year we dated was a dark time in our lives. I met her when she was nothing but a broken mess. The first time I ever saw my wife, she was being raped. I hate that I met her like that. Even though we tell people, when they ask, that we met on a rainy Halloween night at the coffee shop she used to work at, we both know it’s a lie.

Candace has gone through the depths of hell to get to where she’s at now. Every intimate part of our relationship has taken time and an insane amount of patience, but we’re now able to give each other every single piece of ourselves. She knows she’s okay and safe with me. My tiny fighter. God, I love this woman so much that I want to give her the final piece of me—a baby.

Pulling back from her lips, I look down at her soft face, cheeks flushed pink, whispering, “Do you have any clue how beautiful you are?” She runs her hand along my jaw, and I tell her, “I love watching you when you’re with Caroline.”

“She’s so perfect.”

Dropping my lips to hers, I say, “I want to give you that.”

As soon as the words are out, I get nervous. Dancing is her life and maintaining her body is imperative. I knew from the get-go that it would be just the two of us for a long time while she moved up the ranks in the company she dances with. But she’s now thirty and I’m thirty-six, the only ones without kids in our group of friends.

As soon as I start doubting her response, she surprises me with a smile.

“Really?”

I give her a nod. “Really. But, if you want to wait longer, I’m okay with that. I just needed you to know that I’m ready when you are.”

Her eyebrows cinch up and her eyes rim with tears. Candace has always been an emotional girl with me. She’s so soft, and I love that about her.

“Talk to me, babe.”

“I’m glad you said that, because I’ve been thinking about it lately.”

“And?”

“I’m ready.”

With a heavy sigh, I drop my forehead to hers, and she lifts her chin, sealing her lips with mine. I swear, I’m going to enjoy every single second it takes to get my girl pregnant.

“I’ll stop taking my pills tomorrow,” she breathes between our kisses before I start peeling her clothes off, tossing them aside to get her naked beneath me.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” she cries, pulling me from my thoughts.

“We don’t have to make any decisions right now, babe.”

“Do we try?” she asks, referring to what the doctor had told us, that after a chemical pregnancy, Candace should be at her most fertile state. She told us, that if we were up to it, we should give it a go, but seeing how upset Candace is, I just don’t know.

Tugging on her hip, I move to roll Candace over to look at me. Her face is splotchy and her eyes are thick with tears and bloodshot. She looks so tired as I run my hand down her cheek.

“Baby, if you’re not ready, then we wait. I have all the time in world.”

“What if I can’t ever give you a baby?”