The Fading (24 page)

‘Listen to me,’ she said.

‘I don’t have time—’

‘Listen!’

He shut up.

‘It’s partly my fault you’re in this mess. You don’t
know what this is and you don’t have any control over it. It’s been that way since you could remember. No one can be expected
… your family abandoned you. Our family. It’s not your fault you never knew how to deal with this. You never meant to hurt
anybody. You’re just trying to get by and whatever happened today, it was an accident.’

‘You don’t know that.’

‘I know you. I know what you’re like. You helped me. You helped me when I needed help so badly.’

‘I walked you home, Julie. And now, this? This isn’t helping you at all.’

‘No, you don’t understand. I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but I’m finished here,’ she said. ‘I got kicked out of school.
My grades are trashed. What you saw the other night, at the party? That was me. That’s what I’ve been doing. Last week I counted
how many different drugs I had taken in the span of five days. Do you know how many? Seven. Not including my stupid prescription.
I’m not bi-polar, Noel. Or if I really am, I can’t tell because I’m too busy being a stupid party girl who let it all get
out of control. If I don’t get away from these people soon, if I don’t leave Boulder, I’m going to get into something I can’t
get out of.’

‘And I’m the worst drug you could have lying around right now,’ he said.

‘No. Not at all. You came to me and – don’t you laugh, don’t you dare laugh when I say this – I thought you were an angel.
I really believed that, and then when I sobered up and I saw that it was you, I realized that’s
exactly what this was. I’m choosing that. I have to choose that.’

‘Angels don’t kill people, Julie.’

Crack!
Her hand slapped him across the face before he even saw it leave her side.

‘Whoa.’ His eyes began to water. ‘That hurt.’

‘Don’t ever say that again,’ she said. ‘All of this is an accident. No one deserves this. God or someone with His powers and
His taste for suffering made you this way. You didn’t choose this, not the way I chose to throw away my education and start
taking every pill and powder I could find. This thing, whatever it is, it isn’t
you
. It’s a problem and it can be dealt with.’

‘There’s nothing that can be—’

Julie raised her hand again, and Noel shut up.

‘This isn’t you,’ she said. ‘Any more than the drugs and my problems are all me. Because if that’s the case, if there’s no
help, if we are what we do and we can’t change that, and there’s no one there to help us, Noel, then what’s the point?’

He couldn’t think of anything.

She stepped forward, reached up and took his face in both hands. ‘I remember those two weeks when we were fourteen. The way
you used to look at me. Do you know that no one’s ever looked at me that way? Not in my whole life. I know why you came looking
for me. Well, you found me. We’re both pretty fucked up right now, but what if someday we’re not? What if we can help each
other be better? Get better and find a way to live with it?’

‘I can’t ask you to do this,’ he said.

‘You’re not asking. I’m telling you. Now get in the shower. Get dressed. I’ll pack your clothes and some food and water. I’ll
drive you wherever you want to go.’

‘And then what?’

‘And then we’ll figure the rest out when we get there.’

Noel ran the water as hot as he could stand it.

When he was dressed and his arm was wrapped in fresh gauze, he went downstairs to find Julie in the living room, his backpack
and another packed duffel waiting at her feet. She had put the bloody clothes in a trash bag.

‘What about the parents?’ he said. ‘My dad’s expecting a call from me about you. He’s probably worried sick.’

‘I talked to them while you were in the shower.’ She smiled. ‘It’s taken care of.’

She was too calm. He asked, ‘How fast does that pill work, anyway?’

‘It’s not the pill,’ Julie said. ‘I’m scared out of my mind. Or I guess back into it.’

‘Apparently,’ Noel said. ‘What did you tell them?’

‘I apologized for not keeping in touch, thanked them for having my big brother check up on me, and promised them I was going
to get some treatment and take night classes until I got readmitted.’

‘And they believed you?’

‘John said I should use the credit card to buy you dinner. He said I owe you one, and he does, too.’

Noel took the 4-Runner keys from the salad bowl on his counter and dangled them where she could see them. ‘Get me as far as
Glenwood Springs and we’ll be more than even.’

‘I thought of some place better.’ Julie took the keys and hefted the duffel into his arms. Wearing the backpack and one of
his baseball caps she had scrounged from the closet, she looked like a Girl Scout preparing for an overnight. ‘Some place
where we can both disappear, no matter what condition we’re in.’

‘Uh-huh.’ He held the door open for her. ‘Where would that be?’

‘You’ll know it when you see it.’

Noel didn’t bother locking the door behind them. He owned nothing of value besides the truck and the last of his cash reserves.
He said goodbye to his apartment and the town he had grown up in, and never saw either of them again.

Julie had been driving west for a little more than thirteen hours when Noel saw it. He sat up in the passenger seat and said,
‘That’s your idea? Have you lost your mind?’

‘We’re still half an hour out.’ Julie yawned, staring ahead into the desert darkness. ‘Think about it. Really think about
the possibilities, and then tell me you have a better idea.’

Noel thought about it for almost five miles. Julie yawned again.

‘I know what you’re thinking,’ he said at last. ‘And
normally I would agree. The potential is enormous, almost too much to even take seriously.’

‘I’m very serious,’ she said. ‘And you should be, too. This is the best idea I’ve ever had.’

‘There’s just one problem.’

‘What?’

‘I’m not the same person I was when we dropped down out of the Rockies.’

‘What do you—’

‘Keep your eyes on the road, and whatever you do, don’t panic.’

Julie frowned in the glow of the 4-Runner’s instrument lights.

‘I’m back,’ Noel said.

Julie looked at him. Julie saw him. The 4-Runner began to drift over the center line and she slumped, her body giving out.
He had to help her steer onto the shoulder, where, after one more look – this one bearing a strong resemblance to a cat that’s
just been thrown in a bathtub – she bolted from the car.

He had guessed this would be her reaction. She had been lulled into the strangeness of the other version; the real thing was
now the frightening thing. She hadn’t seen him in five years. The change was too fast, too complete, there was no way to adjust
to it. Well, let her have a run, burn off the shock of it. He was too relieved to do much more than sigh and whisper thanks
to the mercy of whatever cruel forces had held him captive for the past five days. He turned the hazard blinkers on, got out
and stretched, admiring his limbs, his feet, his
hands, the cool desert night air that was somehow more real and invigorating for his complete presence in it. He was even
pleased to see the bandage on his arm, his own flesh renewed.

He caught up to her in a wash-out of flat sand and brush a couple hundred feet from the highway. Julie was out of breath,
bent over, hands on her knees.

‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Aren’t you at least a little bit curious?’

She straightened and faced him. He smiled. She started to speak, then only covered her mouth and shook her head, crying but
apologetically so. He walked toward her slowly. She took a few steps back.

‘I’m still me,’ he said.

She nodded. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just a lot to—’

‘I know. No more talking. Just be still.’

He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. She flinched, then became still. He cupped her chin and kissed
her, kissed her in new ways, because everything was different now. After a minute of holding her and kissing her cheeks and
lips, she responded. They sank to their knees in the sand, the soft desert floor that was not warm, and the air was cold,
and it did not matter. Everywhere she touched him he became real and his excitement was quick, flooding in. She felt it, too,
encouraged it along with her hands and mouth and breath. He shucked her from her jeans, raising her shirt to make sure there
were no more layers between them and their warmth formed a seal against the night.

She lay back and he looked into her eyes, watching her look into his own, as he pushed into her wet soft center. They were
alone together in the middle of nowhere and though it happened fast and he was not her first, it was more than he had dreamed
was possible. All through it she kept her eyes on him, knowing it was the most she could give him, and for this he loved her.

They were less than twenty miles from millions of city lights and ten thousand hotel rooms and billions of dollars for the
taking, but Las Vegas was going to have to wait just a little longer before giving itself up to Noel Shaker and his girl.

Four years, as it turned out. Love being the cure he had been searching for all along, and then a curse of a different kind.
In between, the house took a cut of the action and that cut went deep.

‘Jesus Christ. Is that him? It’s Shaker, right? Well, wake his ass up.’

Noel was dreaming of guns again when the voice, angry yet bemused, drove him from the heist fantasy playing in the movie theater
of his napping brain. Sounded like it was coming from the end of a tunnel, and he knew before he opened his eyes this was
not just a voice but the first of the really bad things to come.

‘Noel? Noel?’ This voice was softer, a woman’s, more nervous than angry. A hand wiggled his ankle. ‘Please wake up now, Meester
Noel.’

‘Whossit, what?’ Noel sat up, blinking at the white light coming through the window, the desert blast furnace illuminating
him on a bed in a room that was at once strange and just like all the others. He couldn’t see straight and his mouth was a
dust pan. He guessed he’d been asleep for about four hours.

Maria, a heavy but seemingly motorized middle-aged Hispanic woman with her hair pulled back tightly, cute red granny glasses,
and a rose in the lapel of her uniform. She’d taught him how to clean a bathtub in under one minute. She was smiling hopefully
but not happily.

Beside her was a man Noel had never met but vaguely recalled seeing marching around the lobby and casino floor with a walkie-talkie.
Maroon blazer, arms crossed, scratching his cratered nose. Salt and pepper hair sprouting from the ears. Blue tie with a gold
clip. Buzzcut, all gray, a hardass. Gently he ushered Maria to the side.

‘Thank you, Maria. I’ll handle it from here.’

Noel stood quickly and the floor-to-ceiling window overlooking the pools and gardens with their winged lion gargoyles some
twelve stories below gave his equilibrium a nasty shove. He lost his balance, and propped himself up again. ‘Oh shit,’ he
said, forcing his eyes wide, as if to prove he had never been asleep.

‘Oh shit,’ the maroon blazer agreed. ‘Noel Shaker. That’s you?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘And how long have you been with us?’

Noel thought back, wanted to answer with specificity, but it wasn’t coming.

‘Actually, it’s not important.’ The man tiredly snatched the badge from Noel’s belt fob. ‘You’re no longer an employee of
Caesars Entertainment Corporation. I hope this is not surprise. It shouldn’t be.’

Noel nodded.

‘Your keys.’

Noel handed over the master that opened the rooms on this floor, as well as the key to his locker.

‘Your check will be mailed within fourteen days. I’m sorry we couldn’t keep you awake, Mr Shaker. Do you want to give me a
rash of shit so I can bill you for your little stay in this here Palace Tower suite, or would you like to go without a fuss?’

‘No fuss. I’m sorry, Mr, ah … have we met?’

‘What’s your cute malfunction, anyway? Not that it matters, but I’m always curious. A man comes to us, wants a job, is given
a job, doesn’t do the job he asked for. What’s the slide here? Drugs? Booze? Pussy? You’re a young guy, decent looking. Don’t
look like a chicken. You busy screwing your stripper girlfriend’s lights out all night, that it?’

‘No, sir. I’m just … I’m very tired.’

‘Right. Okay, sport. Go home and get some rest. I’ve got to have this bed changed, again, and find someone else to turn the
room, again.’

‘I’m very sorry,’ Noel said. ‘If I were in your position, well, yes.’

‘Oh, for chrissakes.’ Taking pity, the maroon blazer handed Noel a coupon. Beneath the Caesars Palace logo it said
ONE FREE
BUFFET PASS
.

Noel stared at the card and felt like crying. ‘Why?’

‘I sleep better knowing I gave a man a meal before booting him,’ maroon blazer said. ‘Knock yourself out. The roast beef’s
really something.’

‘I appreciate the chance to contribute to the …’ but he didn’t know what he had contributed to.

‘Yep.’ Maroon blazer ushered Noel toward the door.

‘Do you need the, ah, the attire back?’

‘Turn in the shirt, cleaned, within three days or we’ll have to dock you forty-two dollars. Up to you.’

Noel moved into the hallway, paused. The blazer raised its eyebrows.

‘If you need me to leave or if I’m banned,’ Noel said. ‘Okay. But do you mind – am I allowed to gamble here still?’

Maroon blazer stared at Noel for an extra beat, then sighed with resignation bordering on, then actually crossing over into,
disgust.

‘By all means, Mr Shaker. Caesars Palace would be delighted to serve your gaming needs.’ He smiled icily. ‘So long as you
don’t fall asleep at any of the tables.’

‘Thank y—’

But the maroon blazer was already bobbing down the hallway, onto other matters, to things that mattered.

Royally shit-canned and soon to be drunker than a Roman emperor, Noel took up residence at one of the casino floor watering
holes, a dark affair whose bar featured built-in ashtrays and a bank of video poker screens. The flashing faces of jacks and
kings and queens minded not at all if he spilled his Cuba Libres on them. He fed another roll of quarters into the slot, ratcheting
his credits up to forty. He punched the DEAL/DRAW button, got two tens, the rest low clubs
and hearts. Pressed
HOLD
under both, punched
DEAL/DRAW
. Got two more tens for four-of-a-kind. Ran up another ten credits.