The Exposure (4 page)

She let him in without saying a word and neither one of them said anything until she closed the door.

“Meagan—” he started, but she cut him off.

“You know,” she said. Fuck, he looked so guilty. “You could have called. I'm a big girl.”

“I know you are.” He hung his head, as though he didn't want to look at her. “It's just that after that week . . .”

She waved her hand, telling herself to act as if those days and nights together were something she did all the time. Pretend she had torrid affairs every night of the week. “Please, it was just sex. You didn't propose or anything.”

His head shot up in surprise and he studied her with those eyes that had been so inquisitive before. She schooled her features and forced her body to remain neutral. She could do this. She refused to show him how hurt she was.

“Oh,” he finally said.

“You feel the same, right?” she asked. “I mean, I just assumed you did. Especially after I didn't hear from you.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “It's complicated.”

She snorted and it sounded so real, she was proud of herself. “Complicated? Come on. We were two horny people who scratched an itch. What's complicated about it? Nothing.”

He looked bewildered. “It's complicated because of the work we did together. It wouldn't do either of us any good to have the reputation of sleeping with people we work with. Well, it might do you some good. Get you more offers, but they probably wouldn't be the kind you wanted or be from the people you wanted . . .”

He continued rambling and she tuned him out. Basically, she just smiled and nodded. Thank God she beat him to the
this isn't going to work
speech. She was so glad he didn't call sooner. What if he had and she'd blurted out something stupid? Yes, it was much better this way.

“He was the one who helped me see how bad it would be for us to be together.” Luke was still talking. Truthfully, she had no idea what he was saying or who he was even talking about.

Suddenly, she just wanted him out of her apartment. Enough
already. What was done was done and it was time for her to accept it and move on.

“Listen,” she said, cutting off whatever it was he was saying. “I hate to cut this short, but I need to get ready.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “You're going out?”

“Yes, and”—she looked at her watch—“I'm running a bit late now. So, sorry to cut this short, but . . .”

“Right,” he said. “I'll just be going.”

He turned to head to the door and, at the last second, looked over his shoulder. For the briefest moment, it looked as if he was going to say something further, but when he spoke all he said was, “Good-bye, Meagan.”

She steeled herself. Five more seconds and he'd be out the door. Then she could break down. Four seconds. “Good-bye, Luke.”

Three.

He opened the door.

Two.

He walked out.

One.

The door closed behind him. She dropped to her knees on the floor and let the tears
fall.

T
ired and cranky, she woke up the following morning only to see whoever The Taskmaster was hadn't replied. Fine, she thought, let him be that way. At least there wouldn't be a naked picture of her sent out. She tried to work a few hours, but thoughts of her and Luke and the camera wouldn't allow her to concentrate.

Before they parted ways the night before, Luke had asked if Saturday was too soon to start. She didn't have any plans for the weekend and, since The Taskmaster had insinuated that there would be more information he wanted from Luke, she thought it for the best she do something to speed the relationship up a bit. That way, it wouldn't seem so strange to approach Luke whenever her next order came through.

She fucking hated that she was allowing herself to be used the way she was. But she had no choice. Not if she wanted to protect herself and her brother. She felt bad about using Luke as well,
but in this war, he was just a necessary casualty. Besides, it wasn't as if she was hurting him in any way. If she looked at it from a different angle, she was actually doing him a favor. After all, he'd been the one to approach her, not the other way around. That was the way she was going to look at it going forward. She wasn't doing anything to hurt him. She was helping.

She did wonder briefly about the timing of the first e-mail following so closely with Luke stopping by to see her. Were the two related somehow? She tried to picture Luke as The Taskmaster, but nothing about that fit.

She rolled her shoulders. What she needed was a good hard scene with someone. Unfortunately, she didn't want to play with any of the Dominants that came to mind. She could always call one of the girls she played with, but what she needed wasn't to take control from someone, but to give it. Besides, after the dream last night, she was hot and bothered and wanted sex. If she played with one of the girls she Topped, she wouldn't get her own release. Sure, to take control of someone else's pleasure was heady, but tonight she wanted someone to take control of
her
.

When Luke left her years ago, she had no idea what to do with the new understanding and knowledge she had about her sexual nature. Wanting to prove to herself that it was more than just Luke, she'd gone to a local club and, within two hours, found that she enjoyed Topping as well.

What followed was a year of self-discovery and by the time Luke had been out of her life for twelve months, she'd found what she needed. When playing with men, she craved being submissive. But when it came to women, she preferred the other side of the crop. With the girls she played with, though, she always made it very clear she didn't have sex while Topping.
Many of them wanted the release that came from pain and a few just had the need to serve.

She gave them what they needed and took what they would offer her. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement. But today, that wasn't what she craved. Unfortunately, she knew she wasn't going to get what she wanted, so she did her best to put Luke, sex, and any combination of the two out of her mind.

Wednesday night, she knew she had to do something. She didn't think she'd be able to submit to anyone with Luke fresh in her mind, so she slipped on her black leather and went to a nearby club.

It wasn't as nice as Luke's, but surely it would do for the night.

“Mistress B,” the bouncer working the door said when he saw her. “Been a while since we've seen you. How are you?”

“I'm well, Master C. Hope you are.”

The tall, muscular man nodded and looked her up and down. “I'd be better if you weren't here as a Top.”

Meagan had played with him once and that had been enough. He was competent enough, but something about playing with him didn't work for her. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same and ever since that one time, he'd been bugging her to do another scene with him. She'd told him she didn't get the same vibe he got when they were together, but he seemed to think if they just tried again, she'd feel it.

Eventually, she got tired of saying the same thing over and over, and she made up her mind to visit that particular club only as a Top. So far it had worked and Master C no longer asked her to play.

“Some nights being submissive isn't what I need—know what I mean?” she asked.

He shook his head. “Being submissive is never what I need.”

“Maybe you should try it sometime,” she said. “Most subs I know like it when their Dom has been on the other side.”

He gave her a smug smile. “I think you just want me on my knees before you.”

Which just proved that he didn't know her at all. “I only Top women, Master C. I'm totally submissive when I play with men.”

Someone else came up behind her and Master C turned his attention to them. Meagan scurried into the club before he finished business and wanted to continue the conversation.

Once inside, she breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived. It took only one look around the club to know this wasn't going to make her feel better. Seeing the various women she'd played with before look her way with the hope in their eyes that she'd pick them for a scene, left her feeling nothing.

She tried telling herself to give it a few minutes; that it would look odd if she left immediately after showing up. She made her way to the bar and ordered a drink; maybe the alcohol would loosen her up enough to get her in the mood for a scene.

It wasn't to be, though. She could blame it on the drink that didn't loosen her up at all. Or she could blame the bartender for not using enough alcohol. But she did neither of those things. Instead, she blamed herself. It was her fault for thinking she needed to be the one in charge when, in fact, it was the opposite. She made herself a promise that the next time she went out to a club, she'd go as a sub.

Before she could finish her drink and discreetly leave, a Dom she was friends with came up to the bar and sat down beside her.

“Mistress B,” he said with a nod, “how are you doing?”

“Hey, Master G. To be honest, I was just thinking about heading home.”

She decided he must have seen her sitting by herself and thought she wanted company. She most certainly did not, and she really didn't want the company of someone who just came over because she looked lonely.

He wasn't a close friend; they only talked when she visited this particular club. He was about her age, though, and she knew Melissa, his collared submissive. Melissa worked part-time at the bed-and-breakfast Meagan went to occasionally. She looked around the room, trying to find her. Master G and Melissa were normally together. Meagan finally saw Melissa on the other side of the room, talking with a group of submissives.

“Leaving so soon?” Master G asked. “You just got here.”

“I know.” She took a deep breath and figured she might as well tell him the truth. “I've had a lot on my mind this week, and I thought it'd be a good idea to come here. But I'm not in the proper headspace to Top tonight.”

He nodded in understanding. “That makes sense. Too bad, though. I heard some of the single submissive ladies whispering about how long it'd been since you've been here and how they hoped you'd pick them to play with tonight.”

Great,
she thought.
Now on top of everything else, I'm letting more people down.

“I hate that,” she admitted. “But it truly would be a bad idea for me to Top anyone tonight.”

He didn't say anything, but studied her in that way Doms did. As if he was slowly peeling back the layers of the mask she showed the world in an attempt to get to her true self. She schooled her features, determined not to give anything away. But he kept studying her, and she dipped her head.

“I overheard you say once that you're a switch?” he asked.

“Yes,” she confirmed, and then to keep the conversation from going in the direction she thought it was headed, she added, “But I don't submit here. I only Top.”

He held his hand up. “I wasn't going to suggest you sub. Not here, anyway. Though I do think
that's
probably what you need.”

She allowed herself a terse laugh. “That obvious?”

“Only to those of us with eyes.”

“Oh, well, good. That leaves out . . . let's see, no one.”

“But they have to actually use them, and that, as you well know, cuts out quite a few.”

She nodded in agreement. “Unfortunately, I'm not dressed as a sub tonight, and I'm not in the mood to go home, change, and then head out to another club.”

“What if I propose something a little different?”

Master G often shared Melissa with other Doms. Meagan didn't think he was contemplating anything like offering her to Meagan. She would hope not anyway. Not after she'd explained her current frame of mind.

But he must have given his sub some sort of signal, because Meagan saw the other woman's body shoot to attention and she whispered something to the group she was with.

“I would like for Melissa to have some experience in switching roles. She's expressed a desire, and though I don't think she's a switch”—he shrugged—“I've been wrong before.”

“How do I factor into this equation?” Meagan asked.

“If you're open to it, we can grab a private room, and I'll take on the submissive role tonight. You can instruct Melissa in the use of a few implements.”

This was something new. Meagan had often given advice and worked with other women in the lifestyle before. However, she'd never worked with a submissive Topping her Dom before.

He must have sensed her hesitation, because he replied before she could get a word in. “Don't think of it as Topping me. Trust me, you won't be. I'll be in charge. But it would really help me out. I can instruct her while I'm submitting, but it'll be difficult.”

She should agree. She always enjoyed teaching others, and though she didn't Top men, she knew Master G was being honest when he assured her that he would be in charge. It wasn't the same as playing in a scene, but maybe it would help her frame of mind to do
something
.

“Okay,” she said, decided. “I'm in. What's the plan?”

A genuine smile broke out across Master G's face. He'd obviously thought she was going to tell him no. “Thank you. This will be a big help.” He signaled Melissa to come to him. “I think something simple for tonight. Maybe a crop or flogger?”

Meagan's brain was already working on what she'd do as she listened to Master G's instructions. Yes, she thought. There was no doubt about who was in charge.

Melissa approached them and dropped to her knees before Master G. “You called me, Master.”

The Dom reached out and touched her shoulder. Immediately, the submissive's body relaxed and she looked up.

“Yes, dearest. Mistress B is going to join us in a private room. I asked her if she'd help us introduce you to being a Top. You may feel free to talk with her and ask any questions you have. Just keep in mind that even though I'm acting as a submissive, this is still my scene. Understand?”

Meagan could tell Melissa was working hard to contain her excitement. It flashed in her eyes and seemed to pulse throughout her body.

“Yes, Master,” Melissa said. “Thank you. And thank you, Mistress B.”

“You're welcome, dearest.” He stood up. “I'll go find an empty room upstairs. Why don't you ladies talk for a few minutes and then meet me in about ten?”

Meagan nodded.

They waited until he moved out of earshot before talking.

“Thank you so much for doing this,” Melissa said.

“It's no big deal,” Meagan said. “I'm glad to help.”

“It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. I finally got up the nerve to talk to Master about it a few months ago.”

“Really? Because you were afraid of how he would take it or because you didn't think he'd be interested in letting you try?”

Melissa gave a nervous laugh. “Both, I guess. Maybe a little bit afraid to change the status quo? But I finally realized I wasn't being honest with myself. And that meant I wasn't being honest with him. That's what made me decide to tell him.”

“And see?” Meagan asked. “He took it okay, didn't he? And he's arranged for you to learn.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“How did you know? That you were a switch?”

“I was new in my BDSM journey. I had only recently discovered that I was a submissive. I went to a club, not unlike this one, to learn more about the lifestyle. There was a training class for newbies, and I went. We had to put down which role we mostly identified with. All I had known at that point was being a submissive, but the instructor wanted us to at least experience both sides, so I did a few scenes where I Topped and I found out I enjoyed it.”

“It's a little scary when I think about being the one in control. What if I mess up?”

Meagan patted her hand. “You will. It's inevitable.” Melissa
looked as if she'd had the wind knocked out of her at that, and Meagan rushed to add, “Go ahead and accept the fact that you aren't perfect and never will be. Tell yourself you will mess up. Give yourself the freedom to mess up.”

“I like that. Giving myself the freedom to mess up.” She took a few deep breaths and then looked at Meagan. “I'm ready. I think.”

“Don't worry. Nothing bad will happen. Master G will see to it.”

The mention of her Master made Melissa smile. “You're right about that.”

“Tonight we're just going to go over a few implements. Nothing too hard-core.”

“I think I can handle that.”

“I know you can.” Meagan stood up. “Let's go.”

They made their way past several scenes. The crowd was picking up, and Meagan started to feel better. Maybe being in her element was helping. She nodded and spoke to a few people she knew as they went up the stairs. Melissa was quiet, having only been given permission to talk to Meagan.